Time to throw in the towel?

[darkbrooke]

My wife and I have been living apart for several years due to her jealous and violent behavior that erupted one night with her interrogating me, punching, and kicking me for eating dinner with an old high school male buddy without her permission.

 

That episode ended with her calling the police and fabricating a story that I tried to push her off the balcony.. (I only pushed her in order to get away from her claws grasping me while screaming in my face for 10 minutes so I could run out the door and it left scratches and bruises on me and it was in the kitchen, not the balcony) and it cost me 10 grand in legal defense funds.

 

Now, together we spend $2400 in rent and about $300 more for utilities at two of the cheapest rentals we could find in the area. We have one son and another on the way and two abortions in-between, both of which I objected to and now this one she wanted to keep with my approval or without.

 

We have stayed married even though we dont get along. Its been an uphill battle to attempt to salvage any trust in order to build upon. Its still hard to go a week without a major blowout and then we can retreat to the safety of our own places. I've come to the conclusion that she is emotionally unstable and I must either accept that or dump her.

 

She is beautiful and charming and can be sweet when not losing her temper. But her attention span is short, she has a limited ability to understand complicated ideas, her fuse is short, I noticed she listens to the first half of the first sentence and discards everything else. She sometimes projects negativity and interprets things in a completely different way than intended. She gets depressed and wants to watch horror films all day sometimes and when she is depressed she is very dangerous and scary, physically and emotionally and can be set off with anything. Sometimes when going out to dinner she stops making eye contact with me for hours so I dont take her any more. I take the role of trying to help her out of it while walking on egg shells and usually I pay the price.

 

I'm a man who loves communication and spend most of my time trying to get closer emotionally. I want to talk through issues, understand the emotional background, and learn lessons from each fight in order to improve myself and the quality of our communication. But she wont talk about it. she says the past is the past and just stop talking about it and be positive about the future instead of dwelling in the past. I just want to solve the problems that occur again and again. Then she gets angry again when I persist so these problems never get dealt with.

 

And when I feel backed into a corner and beat up I finally stand up for myself and she gets surprised and more angry then labels me as the aggressive one.

 

I cant see my friends any more because I never know if she will get jealous or if she will attempt to embarrass me (like when she told my friend I was late to his birthday party because I was masterbating). She was angry at me but wouldnt go home without me, insisted on remaining by my side and then treating me like **** in front of some dear friends who have since written me off their lists.

 

Shes cost me nearly all my friends and family too! My two teenage daughters wont even talk to her. One daughter never visits me anymore in order to avoid my wife. The other lives with me but really hates her and wont talk to her.

 

My 78 year old mother disowned me in an equally dramatic fashion because I wouldn't divorce her and I havent spoken with my mom for 4 years as a result. She is alone and will probably die soon as my only relative other than my kids.

 

I tried divorcing my wife once. She threatened to take our son 2000 miles away and I would never see him again. when it got to court she made up some lies that I pushed her and that I was violent. Guess who didnt see their son for 6 months? another 10 grand in legal fees, a couple hours per week visitation granted but couldnt afford airfare, child support too... I had to beg her to come back and give it another try in order to salvage a relationship with my son. We canceled the divorce and have been struggling ever since.

 

My son cries when she comes to pick him up and sometimes he gets scared and hides. He clings to me when I leave her house and insists I take him. He would stay with me every day if he could. He wants a bedroom to share with dad and momma in her own house but I reassuringly tell him that momma loves him and wants him too.

 

I have many outrageous stories how each friend and family member of mine has come to dislike her. All of them crazy and dramatic and then she tries insulting me.. how I am so unpopular that I dont have any friends. I'm afraid to even make any new ones knowing she will do the same with them. Its so embarrassing and lonely!

 

Would you keep your chin up and keep trying or just throw in the towel?

[salparadise]

You need to get away from her asap. She is abusive and even though you can list out the ways she has negatively impacted your existence, you don't realize how much you are being diminished day by day.

 

I would suspect borderline personality disorder based on your description of her behaviors. Google and see if the pattern seems to fit (generally speaking, we don't diagnose here). It's way beyond mean or disagreeable. Healthy people don't behave this way... and normal, healthy people don't stay in relationships like this. I suggest individual counseling for you.

 

You're going to need a strategy to get ahead of her on the false accusations and using your kids as pawns. Talk to a lawyer, perhaps a female lawyer if you can find the right one to represent your interests.

[elaine567]

You need to get away from her asap. She is abusive and even though you can list out the ways she has negatively impacted your existence, you don't realize how much you are being diminished day by day.

...It's way beyond mean or disagreeable. Healthy people don't behave this way... and normal, healthy people don't stay in relationships like this.

 

^^^ this^^^^

If you genuinely feel she is abusing your son then you need to take steps to get him out of the situation.

YOU are his father, he depends on you.

[Lois_Griffin]

My wife and I have been living apart for several years due to her jealous and violent behavior that erupted one night with her interrogating me, punching, and kicking me for eating dinner with an old high school male buddy without her permission.

 

That episode ended with her calling the police and fabricating a story that I tried to push her off the balcony.. (I only pushed her in order to get away from her claws grasping me while screaming in my face for 10 minutes so I could run out the door and it left scratches and bruises on me and it was in the kitchen, not the balcony) and it cost me 10 grand in legal defense funds.

 

Now, together we spend $2400 in rent and about $300 more for utilities at two of the cheapest rentals we could find in the area. We have one son and another on the way and two abortions in-between, both of which I objected to and now this one she wanted to keep with my approval or without.

 

We have stayed married even though we dont get along. Its been an uphill battle to attempt to salvage any trust in order to build upon. Its still hard to go a week without a major blowout and then we can retreat to the safety of our own places. I've come to the conclusion that she is emotionally unstable and I must either accept that or dump her.

 

She is beautiful and charming and can be sweet when not losing her temper. But her attention span is short, she has a limited ability to understand complicated ideas, her fuse is short, I noticed she listens to the first half of the first sentence and discards everything else. She sometimes projects negativity and interprets things in a completely different way than intended. She gets depressed and wants to watch horror films all day sometimes and when she is depressed she is very dangerous and scary, physically and emotionally and can be set off with anything. Sometimes when going out to dinner she stops making eye contact with me for hours so I dont take her any more. I take the role of trying to help her out of it while walking on egg shells and usually I pay the price.

 

I'm a man who loves communication and spend most of my time trying to get closer emotionally. I want to talk through issues, understand the emotional background, and learn lessons from each fight in order to improve myself and the quality of our communication. But she wont talk about it. she says the past is the past and just stop talking about it and be positive about the future instead of dwelling in the past. I just want to solve the problems that occur again and again. Then she gets angry again when I persist so these problems never get dealt with.

 

And when I feel backed into a corner and beat up I finally stand up for myself and she gets surprised and more angry then labels me as the aggressive one.

 

I cant see my friends any more because I never know if she will get jealous or if she will attempt to embarrass me (like when she told my friend I was late to his birthday party because I was masterbating). She was angry at me but wouldnt go home without me, insisted on remaining by my side and then treating me like **** in front of some dear friends who have since written me off their lists.

 

Shes cost me nearly all my friends and family too! My two teenage daughters wont even talk to her. One daughter never visits me anymore in order to avoid my wife. The other lives with me but really hates her and wont talk to her.

 

My 78 year old mother disowned me in an equally dramatic fashion because I wouldn't divorce her and I havent spoken with my mom for 4 years as a result. She is alone and will probably die soon as my only relative other than my kids.

 

I tried divorcing my wife once. She threatened to take our son 2000 miles away and I would never see him again. when it got to court she made up some lies that I pushed her and that I was violent. Guess who didnt see their son for 6 months? another 10 grand in legal fees, a couple hours per week visitation granted but couldnt afford airfare, child support too... I had to beg her to come back and give it another try in order to salvage a relationship with my son. We canceled the divorce and have been struggling ever since.

 

My son cries when she comes to pick him up and sometimes he gets scared and hides. He clings to me when I leave her house and insists I take him. He would stay with me every day if he could. He wants a bedroom to share with dad and momma in her own house but I reassuringly tell him that momma loves him and wants him too.

 

I have many outrageous stories how each friend and family member of mine has come to dislike her. All of them crazy and dramatic and then she tries insulting me.. how I am so unpopular that I dont have any friends. I'm afraid to even make any new ones knowing she will do the same with them. Its so embarrassing and lonely!

 

Would you keep your chin up and keep trying or just throw in the towel?

So your ANSWER to this freakin' misery - including your OWN family no longer wanting anything to do with you because you're so weak that you refuse to dump this toxic woman - is to get her PREGNANT?

 

That's your ANSWER to this living, breathing train wreck? Bringing in yet ANOTHER innocent child to suffer at the hands of you two?

 

I honestly hope someone reports the both of you to Family Services.

[anika99]

OMG! She has cost you your two oldest children and your youngest child is obviously being mentally or physically abused by her and you keep getting her pregnant??!! Where is your freaking mind? All these kids who are being hurt but you keep making babies with her.

 

Since it's doubtful that you will be able to take the kids away from her I say it's your duty to move back in with her and take care of your kids. You have a responsibility to protect your children above all else. Too bad you made the choice to participate in this train wreck but this is the bed you made. Your innocent kids didn't ask for this and you owe it to them to see that they are safe.

[Els]

.... So let me get this straight.

 

She was abusive towards you and clearly is mentally unstable. Your response to this is to live apart from her but KEEP ON HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HER???? Another child on the way, what is wrong with you???? You realize that putting your penis in her vagina and ejaculating, repeatedly, is a CHOICE, right???

 

I don't even... no words. I think the very first thing you should do is get a vasectomy.

[Downtown]

Dark, I agree with Salparadise that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal and physical abuse, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, irrational jealousy, instability, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," physical abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

...violent behavior that erupted one night with her interrogating me, punching, and kicking me.... she is emotionally unstable.... very dangerous and scary.

The repeated physical battering of a partner or spouse is strongly associated with having strong traits of a personality disorder, particularly BPD. Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. Indeed, the terms "anger" or "rage" appear in 3 of those 9 defining traits.

 

One of the first studies showing the link between physical abuse and BPD is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

Would you... just throw in the towel?

Regardless of whether you decide to leave your W, you should protect your children by finding out what it is they are dealing with. I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what your children are dealing with -- and what the risk is that it will be passed on from mother to child.

 

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Salparadise and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. And it could help you better protect your own children. Take care, Dark.

[ShatteredLady]

I've written here several times about our friend & old neighbor. HE has 100% custody of his 3 young children. His wife can have supervised visitation when he agrees to it.

 

His 'horror stories' fade in comparison to yours. If your wife is this dangerous & abusive, clearly damaging your children, why on earth are you not fighting to protect your CHILDREN???

 

I completely support women's choice when it comes to abortion BUT oh man I'm speechless!!! Why on earth are you producing babies knowing there's a good chance that she's going to have them terminated?? It's 50/50 already! Why does she want this baby but didn't the others? Please don't tell me it's the sex of the babies or a manipulation of you?!?!?

 

This is so bloody tragic.

 

YOU ARE A FATHER!! Your children are in danger. You've already chosen this woman over your family & your own CHILD.

 

Did you leave your first wife for her? Why do you have custody of your other daughter or is it split custody?

 

My heart bleeds for these poor children. Start keeping a journal of EVERYTHING that she does to abuse you & the kids. Keep evidence. Have a plan. Be a FATHER!!

[Zahara]

A father that sees his child cling in fear yet chooses to bring more children into this world just to bear more suffering. I have no words. There are many loving people who would do anything to have children and then there's people like this who can't see past their own nose.

 

A father is supposed to protect. Fail.

 

Unbelievable.

[mrs rubble]

Yes it's time to throw in the towel. I think the replies here so far have made that quite clear- I won't berate or critisize as that helps no one.

 

Get yourself some counselling, work on your confidence and make a plan to get yourself and the child away from her for good.

[CarrieT]

You were debating divorcing her over four years ago when you came to this site and started with this opening thread.

 

Not only has nothing changed, it has gotten worse.

 

Time to call it a day and file for divorce already!

[BaileyB]

I seriously thought that this post was not for real. Just read the bold statements and you have your answer. I can't believe you would even need to ask the question - should I throw in the towel? Seriously.

[NTV]

There are numbers you can call when people need to go to a psychiatric hospital....