Husband used my past abortion to insult me.

[Liviebee06]

Hello and thanks in advance for reading my post.

 

I'd really appreciate some advice from the forum. I've been married to my husband for a little less than a year and I'm currently pregnant with our first child.

 

I love my husband dearly but I'm beginning to wonder if I've made a mistake. He's a caring and committed husband/ family man but I find that when ever we get into arguments, even if slight arguments or disagreements, he really insults me and says extremely hurtful things that can have the effect of damaging one's self esteem.

 

I've cautioned him several times about this ugly habit of hurling painful words and explained that this is not love. I also try not to get sucked into abusive matches with him whenever he goes on the offensive. Most times I forgive him after a few hours for the sake of peace and because I typically don't like to keep grudges.

 

 

However, today he's said something that really stung me. When we started dating, I confided in him about an abortion I had had for my ex. It was a very traumatic experience and relationship and my husband and boyfriend at the time was very supportive and caring me when I informed him. I had reservations about telling him because I've always heard that people use things against you in the future but after much persuasion from my sister, I opened up to him. It was a very emotional discussion and i was glad at the time that I had made the the decision to tell him. However, today during a heated conversation he started insulting me ( yet again) and spoke to me rudely in the prescience of the domestic staff. When they left I warned him never to speak to me so disrespectfully infront of other people. The conversation became more heated and I told him that I wasn't used to being spoken to in this manner by anyone: not my father, not my exes, not my friends. He then retorted "oh I know! What you're used to is men cheating cheating on you and having abortions!!". My heart sank and I started crying in disbelief. I told him how disappointed I was in him for using something so sensitive to spite me in an argument. Something I told him in confidentiality has now become a weapon? But he didn't seem to care and pretty much sneered at me.

 

 

I eventually left the sitting room and retired to my bedroom. I don't know what to do, but I know that I cannot continue to be subjected to such abuse. I think him mentioning the abortion was just the height of things. I feel stuck because I have a baby on the way and feel so vulnerable. I don't want to be a divorcee and I'm ready to fight for the marriage but not at the expense of my happiness and self esteem. Is this normal behaviour in marriages? Is there anything I can do to improve the situation? Can our marriage work? Was it acceptable for him to use such a sensitive and delicate matter ( my abortion ) as ammunition against me? Am I being too sensitive? Would really appreciate some advice....

 

Thanks so much for reading.

[BlueIris]

Of course it's not ok. It's terrible. Nasty.

 

When he says something nasty, be calm and say, “What?” No more than that.

 

Usually verbally abusive people will stall when you say that. If he refuses to repeat the nasty thing he just said or tries to change topic, at a pause say, “Repeat what you said.” He’ll either pause and take heed or he’ll escalate and melt down. Don’t engage though. Fighting with a verbal abuser is just feeding the beast.

[xxoo]

I'm going to guess that he was stung by being compared negatively to your exes, and that is where the abortion jab came from.

 

None of this is acceptable, of course. At the very least, you both need to learn to "fight fair". Marriage counseling seems like an obvious next step.

[GorillaTheater]

However, today during a heated conversation he started insulting me ( yet again) and spoke to me rudely in the prescience of the domestic staff.

 

 

That is truly intolerable.

[BettyDraper]

Your husband needs individual counseling because he's verbally abusive.

The two of you need to see a marriage counselor to heal the damage in your marriage caused by this abuse.

 

In the early part of our marriage, I was verbally abusive because I learned that this was an acceptable way to communicate from my awful childhood. I elected to see a counselor because I realized that verbal abuse was unacceptable. Thank God my husband accepted my heartfelt apologies and he was patient with me.

[Liviebee06]

Thanks so much for all your responses. I will certainly look into marriage counselling. The crazy thing is he feels so comfortable and seems so unaffected after abusing me/ after arguments. He hardly ever apologises and instead acts like nothing's happened. I have no desire to speak with him more ( beyond what is necessary) until something changes. I'm travelling in about two weeks time for a few months and it's sad to admit, but I'm looking forward to it. Maybe he will begin to appreciate me a bit more when I'm no longer at his beck and call. The pregnancy has left me confined to the house ( fatigue, physical symptoms etc) so I'm pretty much always at home and I think he feels secure in that knowledge.

 

I will certainly look into marriage counselling, can't csrry on this way.

[BluesPower]

He is having anger issues for some reason. He will need to get help for this, really soon.

 

There was a time in my life that I was like this and it was despicable. I can't believe that I ever behaved that way. Thank goodness I grew up and got help.

 

How old is he? Has he had any particular stressful things happen lately? If you are pregnant, are you guys still having sex or not. That can really be an issue for some guys.

 

But, he has to get help and figure out what is going on with him. You cannot allow this to continue in your marriage a minute longer. It will beat you down over a short time and you don't even realize what is going on.

 

Good luck...

[standtall]

Beelady...oh man I can relate to this one. I ashamed to say, at one time in my life, this guy sounds like me. I have been married for 20 yrs to my wife, and I was a terrible arguer with my her in the beginning. I didn't know how to fight fair at all...I just never knew how. After a 5th year near divorce...basically about me being a prick and not accepting her for who she was, we went to MC. I learned how terrible personal attacks were on her self esteem, so I learned how to argue( like all couples do at times)...fair. There is a difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint is problem you have about a person behavior or action...the other is a complaint with a character attack. Ever since I learned this, our arguments are G-rated and we like and love each other like never before.

 

A lot of your husbands issues may also be because he is a "right fighter"....he doesn't care how irrelevant the argument is, nor what he has to burn and bulldoze down...he just wants to be right. This is a very very destructive behavior to personal relationships, and it will make him very unhappy.

 

IMHO, don't give up on him and your marriage yet, give him a chance to learn. Marriage counseling, with one you both like is a must if you want to survive. Tell him the MC ain't an option...it's a deal breaker. I would also recommend IC for him...later....baby steps you know.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Livebee, having read both your posts there are some questions I would like to ask if it is alright with you. One is how old are the two of you?. Another is, what were the circumstances in which you met and how long did you know each other before deciding to get married? A third would be what you mean by domestic staff being present when you had your argument? This leads me to wonder whether you are in the US or in some other country where you can afford domestic staff. Also, what has been your dating history before you met your husband?

 

It seems to me that your husband, even if he has not articulated this before, is envious of your previous BF/ BFs and now, in the heat of the moment, this deep resentment has spilled over. This apart, he definitely has what Stand tall has mentioned about being a right fighter. Both of you need to attend MC as suggested by others and he may also need IC to be able to overcome this problem. The biggest drawback for me is his complete apathy for your feelings and for his not apologising for his cruel remarks after things have cooled down. You say you are going to be away for a few months in a short while. That may be both a good thing and a bad one. Also do you have close family to support you living close by? Clarity on some of these issues may help the forum to answer your questions better. Warm wishes.

[Satu]

His comments were abusive, unacceptable, and should not be tolerated.

 

I wouldn't stay with such a man as he.

 

 

Take care.

[elaine567]

This is abuse and the fact he is not sorry in the least for hurting you and is sneering at you instead is not good. Contempt is a very bad sign and shows he sees you as beneath him.

He knows you will forgive him in a few hours to keep the peace, so there are no consequences for his actions.

He has free rein to say whatever he knows will hurt you the most and he knows you will take it.

Today he chose the abortion.

Men like this are usually very insecure and by pecking away at and demolishing your self esteem, he feels better about himself.

 

Being pregnant the last thing you need is all this stress, I think you should move out and go to friends or family and reassess whether you can actually live with a man who apparently cares so little for you and seems to revel in your distress, or ask him to leave.

He may be a "family man", but he will not make a good father if this is how he deals with disagreements. He needs to show you he is willing to work on this, if not then you cannot allow yourself to be flattened like this, so you have to leave for your own sanity going forward, or if it is your house then he needs to go.

Enlist the help of friends and family here, do not face this alone.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Hello and thanks in advance for reading my post.

 

I'd really appreciate some advice from the forum. I've been married to my husband for a little less than a year and I'm currently pregnant with our first child.

 

I love my husband dearly but I'm beginning to wonder if I've made a mistake. He's a caring and committed husband/ family man but I find that when ever we get into arguments, even if slight arguments or disagreements, he really insults me and says extremely hurtful things that can have the effect of damaging one's self esteem.

 

I've cautioned him several times about this ugly habit of hurling painful words and explained that this is not love. I also try not to get sucked into abusive matches with him whenever he goes on the offensive. Most times I forgive him after a few hours for the sake of peace and because I typically don't like to keep grudges.

 

 

However, today he's said something that really stung me. When we started dating, I confided in him about an abortion I had had for my ex. It was a very traumatic experience and relationship and my husband and boyfriend at the time was very supportive and caring me when I informed him. I had reservations about telling him because I've always heard that people use things against you in the future but after much persuasion from my sister, I opened up to him. It was a very emotional discussion and i was glad at the time that I had made the the decision to tell him. However, today during a heated conversation he started insulting me ( yet again) and spoke to me rudely in the prescience of the domestic staff. When they left I warned him never to speak to me so disrespectfully infront of other people. The conversation became more heated and I told him that I wasn't used to being spoken to in this manner by anyone: not my father, not my exes, not my friends. He then retorted "oh I know! What you're used to is men cheating cheating on you and having abortions!!". My heart sank and I started crying in disbelief. I told him how disappointed I was in him for using something so sensitive to spite me in an argument. Something I told him in confidentiality has now become a weapon? But he didn't seem to care and pretty much sneered at me.

 

 

I eventually left the sitting room and retired to my bedroom. I don't know what to do, but I know that I cannot continue to be subjected to such abuse. I think him mentioning the abortion was just the height of things. I feel stuck because I have a baby on the way and feel so vulnerable. I don't want to be a divorcee and I'm ready to fight for the marriage but not at the expense of my happiness and self esteem. Is this normal behaviour in marriages? Is there anything I can do to improve the situation? Can our marriage work? Was it acceptable for him to use such a sensitive and delicate matter ( my abortion ) as ammunition against me? Am I being too sensitive? Would really appreciate some advice....

 

Thanks so much for reading.

 

 

 

I am glad that you are showing important positive signs in the area of standing up for yourself. Though I would suggest that it remains SO EASY to get sucked-in by some idiot's sweet-talk, to where you 'forgive and forget'... only to know a much-worse fate in the future, if you don't continue to stand-up for yourself.

 

 

And you sound like someone who has the 'de-escalation' tactics which are very effective to have in one's social arsenal, yet the other side has to be reasonably suited to (giving and taking) within that, for it to matter too much in the end.

 

It sounds as if you will SOON need to go on the offensive, NOT during an argument, and make conditional statements relating to divorce "...IF EVER he repeats..." any of the various harsh treatments you cite here.

 

The alternative, of course, is that you could become a very emotionally-weak U.S. President, and an easy mark to be exploited by any and all foreign entities.

[jen1447]

If it makes you feel any better, very few ppl are actually plain sadistic in that they want to see others suffer just bc they like it. So when most ppl insult or hurt others, it's bc they're reacting to feeling hurt or insulted themselves. (Or in other words, being defensive.)

 

He does sound juvenile and petty bc adults generally don't lash out like that and look for puerile satisfaction in others' pain, so I'm not saying that let's him off the hook or that chances aren't slim he'll amount to a worthwhile father if he hasn't 'grown up' by now. I'd take a hard look before you go on w him.

[Arieswoman]

livie06,

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

I didn't actually read any further than this ;

 

but I find that when ever we get into arguments, even if slight arguments or disagreements, he really insults me and says extremely hurtful things that can have the effect of damaging one's self esteem.

 

This is not acceptable behaviour. It is nasty, mean and disrepectful

 

I would leave and go and stay with a friend or relative for a while. Tell him that while you're away you want him to have a good think about what he is going to do to stop his verbal abuse. Give him a time frame and see what happens.

 

If he won't address the issue, or starts with the blame-shifting by saying "you're too sensitive" or the like, than you have to decide if you want to stay in this marriage.

 

I was married for 8 years to a man who was (occasionally) verbally abusive. I tolerated it because I'd had a verbally abusive mother and had been conditioned to believe I was "too sensitive" and that it was all my fault.

 

Don't be like me. Nip this in the bud now.

 

Good luck x

[Satu]

Have a look through this list, and see how many signs apply to your relationship:

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

 

 

Credit goes to Barrie Davenport for this list.

 

 

The more signs that apply, the more serious your situation.

 

 

Take care.

[BaileyB]

His comment was definitely unacceptable.

 

I would hope that he would be open to marriage counselling and ready to work on your communication. If he is a good guy, he will see this as a defining moment and seize the suggestion. What concerns me however is you comment that he doesn't show much accountability for his comments or empathy for your hurt. That, may speak volumes as you move forward. And that is what would cause me to consider leaving this man, if he continues to be verbally abusive.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Livebee, you have been given excellent advice by people responding to your posts, yet I see that you have not returned to respond to any of them. The thing is that if you want things to change you have to change things around. Positive change will not occur on it's own although, change will still happen but not in a way to benefit you. Remember, you are responsible to and for yourself. Nobody is going to come from outside of your experience to do anything to better your lot. Only you can do it for yourself.

 

You have not answered any of the questions I raised in my previous post so one does not really have a proper perspective of your situation. Then again, this is your side of the story and your husband may have a completely different story to tell if he were here, which may show you up in a bad light instead. That is why it is necessary to have a bit of a backgrounder on your situation. Cheers!

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

I love my husband dearly but I'm beginning to wonder if I've made a mistake. .

 

Excellent choice of words here.

 

I once took a new job and at the first sign of a challenge, my new boss pulled me into his office and started berating me in a tone that I simply was not going to tolerate.

 

My response to him was not about the issue at hand. it was " If this is the way you plan to talk to me, then I've made a mistake by joining this company. " And then I walked out. I was ready to pack up my office and leave.

 

My boss came in a few minutes later and apologized ( as best he could muster ) and for the next 6 years never so much as raised his voice or said an unkind word to me. He still did to everyone else though.

 

The thing is, I wasn't bluffing. And you shouldn't either. You arent making "peace" You are enabling abuse.

[Robert]

The threadstarter appears to have left the building so we'll close this up.

 

~6