My wife and my ex girlfriend are friends on Facebook

[Johnjt]

Hi all! This is my first time writing and I feel that I need to as I have no one else to talk to about this little dilemma of mine. My ex girlfriend (whom I have a son with) recently added my wife on Facebook and my wife accepted her request. I was very vocal in telling my wife not to add her but she did anyway. The ex messaged her shortly talking about our son and how she wants us to spend more time with him. She claims that she only added my wife to just talk about our kid.

I know that I may come off as a bit immature but I REALLY am not comfortable with them exchanging messages and even phone numbers and it's been gnawing at me inside for a few days now. Before I go further, I would like to share with you guys a bit of my history so you can better understand where I'm coming from.

 

Me and my ex have been together for around 2 years and we had a little baby boy back when we were around 20 so were still young. I was about to ask her hand in marriage but I found out that she was cheating on me with one of my closest friends (they are married now). That experience really ****ed me up emotionally but over time I completely got over it. Despite our bitter break up I still continued supporting our kid (although I wouldn't say I am the best father but you get the picture.) Me and my ex are not really into speaking terms except when it comes to our kid as I vowed never to let myself be exposed to that situation ever again. You can say that I have become very cautious in letting any type of negativity enter my life ever again.

 

Now fast forward a few years and I met my wife. She is an amazing woman who has loved me unconditionally and I couldn't be more happier. She and my son have an excellent relationship and she even considers him as her own.

Things were really rosy and we even got married earlier this year. However, we hit a hard bump shortly after our marriage (a few weeks to be precise) as she got diagnosed with cancer. The disease really took a toll on us but I can say that we got closer than ever before. Cancer really hit us like a mother****er and I swore that I never want to see anything hurt my wife ever again.

 

Now, I can say that I completely gotten over my ex and my friend and I have forgiven them but that's not to say I have forgotten about it as I know what she's capable of. This is the exact reason why I'm very uncomfortable with them communicating as I feel that she's come back into my life in one way or another. Also, I have this nagging feeling that she might cause problems for us in the future (simply because of her negative nature). Am I being reasonable or am I just overthinking things? I really want to have a reasonable barrier between my past and present and I feel that this fence has been scaled with them talking. Any suggestions?

[salparadise]

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to not want your wife and your ex engaging this way, or any way.

 

I say you sit the wife down and tell her you have something serious to discuss. Then tell her that your ex is using her as a means to access you and pull your strings emotionally. Tell her you want her to respect your feelings and basically quit fraternizing with the enemy. A reasonable person would do that for you. If she refuses, then you've got a bigger problem than the ex.

[privategal]

You and your wife are entitled to your privacy. She shouldn't be interacting at ALL with your present family, she's using your wife to get to you on emotional topics like how she wishes you were a better father. Absolutely not. Put your foot down and tell her you'd like yoyr family photos and your marriage separate from an ex.

Your relationship with her is purely business and Facebook is personal...no way. Be firm in this but do explain to your wife all you went through due to her and how you are in a happy place now and want to keep the past away. She will understand.

[standtall]

Tell your wife that it is a conflict of interest to be friends with your ex. It is very disrespectful of you, and a betrayal of her wedding vows to put you in front of all others...particularly exes of any type.

[Popsicle]

So let's talk about the kid. Why aren't you seeing him more? Maybe now your wife will insist that you do.

 

You do realize that your child is not the same person as your ex?

[Ontos]

Hmmmm. I have mixed feelings about this. I kind of see your side, but at the same time if the conversation is about your son then I see the positives of them communicating.

 

Looking at this from your Ex's point of view, she is probably appreciative that your new wife is a good 2nd mother to her child. This is fairly common - an Ex recognizing and appreciating the new wife (after getting over the immediate resentment) as a valuable caregiver. This is Mother Nature at work, not an underhanded ploy by your Ex. Your Ex's maternal instinct recognizes your new wife as a nurturer when she isn't around.

[Johnjt]

Thanks for the replies! I think i finally found the courage to talk about this to my wife and also to my ex. Writing this certainly took a load off my back and your replies certainly uplifted me!

 

Popsicle - I'm also aware that I'm not father of the year and I am constantly trying to better that aspect of my life. I had my reasons and I wish to not go into detail about that as I feel its not necessary to discuss how my past really destroyed a part of me.

[Johnjt]

Also I'm very protective of my wife especially with what she has been through with the cancer and all. I've been focusing on her for the past couple of months and I'm afraid this would just be added baggage on her part.

[aileD]

sounds like your wife and ex are caring more about your relationship with your son than you are. It's not always about you!

 

Focus on being a good dad then they will have no reason to talk to each other.

 

Sorry if that's blunt, I'm not trying to be mean...but both women are married and your wife readily admitted she only friended her to talk about your son and you have evidence they have only talked about your son.

 

You need to focus on your son as much as they are focusing on your son and work on being a better dad. (I say that because by your own admission, "I wouldn't say I'm the best father).

 

Good luck!

[road]

So let's talk about the kid. Why aren't you seeing him more? Maybe now your wife will insist that you do.

 

You do realize that your child is not the same person as your ex?

 

 

If she cheated how do you know the kid is yours?

DNA paternity test time.

Are you paying CS?

[TunaCat]

I'm struggling to see how it's a bad thing that your ex wife & current wife talk about your child together.

 

Personally, I think you're being ridiculous. You should be happy that your child's mother and stepmother talk about the child. I think you feel guilty about not really being the best dad and you're taking it out on your ex & current wife.

 

And I'm sure your wife can handle your ex & your child. She doesn't need you to decide what would be too much baggage for her to handle right now.

[whichwayisup]

Just ask your wife if she posts about anything personal on fb that doesn't have anything to do with your son, to please exclude the ex and change her settings so the ex won't see her status updates (unless it has to do with her son).. Problem solved.

 

How often do they talk?

 

In the end, having your sons' mom and step mom being friendly is a good thing, your kid will only benefit from this in the future.

[Lobe]

The healthiest thing you can do for your child is ensure that he feels loved and supported by everyone important in his life. Your ex and your wife having a good "working" relationship is not a bad thing where your son is concerned. Unless you have a reason to think that your ex has dirt on you that could ruin your marriage, I don't see any reason for concern until and unless the ex abuses your wife's congeniality.

[salparadise]

Nope. This is a boundary issue. The current wife is not a parent to this child, and she shouldn't be colluding with his ex. She should stay in the background and let him do whatever interfacing needs to be done with the ex. Anybody who doesn't understand this... well, I guess boundaries can be a mysterious phenomenon, eh?

[basil67]

Have you thought that if you become a better father, then the women will not need to talk with each other about how to further engage you in your child's life?

[Lobe]

Nope. This is a boundary issue. The current wife is not a parent to this child, and she shouldn't be colluding with his ex. She should stay in the background and let him do whatever interfacing needs to be done with the ex. Anybody who doesn't understand this... well, I guess boundaries can be a mysterious phenomenon, eh?

 

Sooooo... I am a parent to my steps and I find the assertion that I should be in the background a bit insulting. I'm don't think you can paint every coparenting "village" with the same brush. I am not "colluding" I am "cooperating" with hubby's X in order to ensure that we have calendars coordinated so no one gets left at the soccer field by accident and we make sure that everyone knows the "rules" at both households so no one is pulling the "but Mom lets me but Dad lets me" routine. Honestly, if the OP, his wife, his baby momma and her husband are able to communicate and be civil, the kid wins, period. No one is suggesting they become BFFs. Until and unless this woman demonstrates that her motives are meddling or less than altruistic or that the OP has some deep dark secret he's afraid his baby momma will expose, I would trust the wife's judgment on accepting the friend request.

[Whoknew30]

It sounds like everyone is over it but you. She hurt you & that sucks but she married him & moved on with her life. She didn't do anything to your current wife & they share a mutual bound over your child. Sounds like your current wife is compensating for your lack of parenting. So it doesn't like your ex is still negative, but it sure sounds like you are...if you really live your wife like you say, try being a better dad to where she doesn't have to compensate for your failure.

 

Sounds like you married a good girl & she's watching you not be up to the standard you should be. How can you be more concerned about them being Facebook friends then you begin a better dad. Try putting your worry & effort where it really belongs vs being a petty whiner. Get over your past & make your child a priority & everything will work out.

[ChickiePops]

Nope. This is a boundary issue. The current wife is not a parent to this child, and she shouldn't be colluding with his ex. She should stay in the background and let him do whatever interfacing needs to be done with the ex. Anybody who doesn't understand this... well, I guess boundaries can be a mysterious phenomenon, eh?

 

Uhhh wrong. As the legal wife to the father of the child, she absolutely is a parental figure to the kid. It's not as if she moves out any time the boy stays with his father. Treating a step parent like a non-entity only encourages a child to treat them the same way, and that's not healthy for anyone.

[Lobe]

Johnjt, I think you need to stop overthinking it, trust your wife, and look towards the future. You can't put a barrier between your past and present or future because you have a child carried forward so put on your big boy panties and focus on being a n amazing father to your son.

[sandylee1]

When you've had someone betray you, no matter how long ago, it's not uncommon to want them to have no insight into your life.

 

I'd be very angry if a cheater Ex contacted my husband for any reason at all.

[salparadise]

Sooooo... I am a parent to my steps and I find the assertion that I should be in the background a bit insulting. I'm don't think you can paint every coparenting "village" with the same brush..

 

I'm not painting all with the same brush. I'm talking about OPs situation, not yours. Be as insulted as you like.

 

Uhhh wrong. As the legal wife to the father of the child, she absolutely is a parental figure to the kid.

 

Parental figure, yes. But the child has a mother and a father and she is neither.

 

It's nice if everything is cooperative and everyone is one big happy family... but when his ex cheated, is manipulative, etc. No, the new wife needs to respect his wishes and let him manage the relationship with the ex. You know the ex is going to try and influence the new wife. It's just weird.

 

I don't know how anybody doesn't see this as a boundary issue –– she isn't primary to the child or the ex, and there she is with her nose in the middle of it all and disrespecting his wishes... all under the pretext of doing it for the child. I think it's just people with step kids wanting to increase their own sense of importance and authority.

[ChickiePops]

I'm not painting all with the same brush. I'm talking about OPs situation, not yours. Be as insulted as you like.

 

 

 

Parental figure, yes. But the child has a mother and a father and she is neither.

 

It's nice if everything is cooperative and everyone is one big happy family... but when his ex cheated, is manipulative, etc. No, the new wife needs to respect his wishes and let him manage the relationship with the ex. You know the ex is going to try and influence the new wife. It's just weird.

 

I don't know how anybody doesn't see this as a boundary issue –– she isn't primary to the child or the ex, and there she is with her nose in the middle of it all and disrespecting his wishes... all under the pretext of doing it for the child. I think it's just people with step kids wanting to increase their own sense of importance and authority.

 

As someone who shares a home with the child part of the time and who is married to his father, she DOES play a primary role in his life. Dollars to donuts she's the one who's pushing the OP to be less of a deadbeat dad too, which makes her role even more important.

 

 

It is a tiny bit strange that she went against her husbands' wishes, I'll agree with you there, but I'm hoping that her intentions are good. Hopefully her intentions are to encourage her husband to spend more time with his son.

[Whoknew30]

I'm not painting all with the same brush. I'm talking about OPs situation, not yours. Be as insulted as you like.

 

 

 

Parental figure, yes. But the child has a mother and a father and she is neither.

 

It's nice if everything is cooperative and everyone is one big happy family... but when his ex cheated, is manipulative, etc. No, the new wife needs to respect his wishes and let him manage the relationship with the ex. You know the ex is going to try and influence the new wife. It's just weird.

 

I don't know how anybody doesn't see this as a boundary issue –– she isn't primary to the child or the ex, and there she is with her nose in the middle of it all and disrespecting his wishes... all under the pretext of doing it for the child. I think it's just people with step kids wanting to increase their own sense of importance and authority.

 

Then what about his boundaries of not allowing what his ex did to him affecting his relationship with his own kid. If he didn't take out his self pity on his kid, this probably wouldn't have been an issue. His lack of being truly responsible has caused this, don't you think he should be more worried about that part? Bring an unfaithful partner is one thing, being a crappy dad is way worse.

[Lobe]

I'm not painting all with the same brush. I'm talking about OPs situation, not yours. Be as insulted as you like.

 

OP said his wife is very involved with his son and thinks of him as her own, which makes it safe to assume she is actively "parenting" him with the OP's blessing.

 

Frankly, I find it weird that the OP is so opposed to his wife and ex being in communication. Johnjt, what are you afraid your ex is going to say to your wife? It sounds like you guys have a really great relationship and you shouldn't worry about anything your ex has to say. You could ask her to be careful and transparent, but making a big deal out of it is probably causing you unnecessary angst.

[Bufo]

Can I make a suggestion? Ever think about using good old fashioned email? That way threads can be followed and your whole marital life isn't going to be discussed.

 

OP it's time to seek zen-like indifference to XW. If you succeed in this quest you will free up much space in your life for other things.

 

As these women have responsibility for the same child it is natural that they will want to talk. They need not be BFF's but to try to build an impenetrable wall between them will be a hard and ultimately futile project.

 

Thank your wife for her continuing concern about your child. It's far more difficult when she resents every minute and every dollar not spent on her.