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One thing I never understand about married couples


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A married couple obviously spends a lot of time together. In my mind, that would mean breaks from that would be welcome sometimes — for variety, for independence, etc.

 

However, with a lot of married couples I see, there seems to be a priority to spend even MORE time together. It's hard for me to understand. (*Disclosure: I'm not married and need a lot of independence in relationships.)

 

But, for example, I recently spent a weekend with a group of friends, and one of my girlfriends agreed to stay an extra day with me. Her husband couldn't do that due to work, so he left before her. And for that day my friend was vocally and consistently bummed about her husband not being there. Nevermind the fact that they spend every single day and night together, for the most part, and had just shared their weekend together.

 

I have countless other examples. There just always seems to be this grasping for more and more "married" time. And I'm not talking about sex and I'm not talking about fresh newlyweds who are head over heels, either.

 

In situations like this, is it mostly break in familiarity that's so uncomfortable?

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People have differing attachment styles and those styles manifest in intimate relationships. It's basically brain chemistry overlaid with psychological programming.

 

TBH, at my age and in my social circle, I note very few couples joined at the hip. Most have been married 25-40 years. Probably the closest to that description back when I was married was my exW's sister and her H. They did everything together, even operating a business together. They got married as teenagers and basically spent their whole lives together. OTOH, my exW liked her space. No problem with me. We got along great in that respect.

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We spend all our time together doing stuff like raising kids and paying bills and sleeping so we can get up and do it all over in the morning. Spending dedicated time together (dates, time away from the kids, visiting friends, etc.) gets hard when life gets in the way. Maybe a better way of saying it would be "I wish I had more quality time with my spouse."

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Different strokes for different folks!

 

TBH I don't see anything wrong with it. I know 2 couples both married over 20 years and they do a lot together when they're not working! Both seem to have tight relationships. One even calls her husband her husband and boyfriend (same man in case you've misinterpreted).

 

OTOH, I know many other couples married long term and do nothing together. One of them just fessed to me that they are sleeping in separate rooms and if not for the kids they would have separated.

 

Personally I like it, your gf obviously likes her hubby's company so what's wrong with that?

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Personally I like it, your gf obviously likes her hubby's company so what's wrong with that?

 

Never said anything was wrong with it... it just stood out to me. Maybe it annoyed me a little bit, in the sense of "What's the big deal, it's just one day without him compared the majority you spend with him, why can't you relax and enjoy the day." Like, is MY company as a friend so inferior and inadequate?

 

Responding to another comment, what confuses me most is that it's not necessarily "quality time" married couples seem to be seeking. It's just "time," period.

 

In another example, different female friend: I recently offered to take my friend to an airport an hour away, because it made a lot of logistical sense. But instead, her husband took over that duty even though it was wildly inconvenient for him. I got the impression they wanted that final hour in the car together before the trip. I don't judge that, but I also don't understand it ... what's another hour when you already spend all your time together and just had the night alone together before?

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In another example, different female friend: I recently offered to take my friend to an airport an hour away, because it made a lot of logistical sense. But instead, her husband took over that duty even though it was wildly inconvenient for him. I got the impression they wanted that final hour in the car together before the trip. I don't judge that, but I also don't understand it ... what's another hour when you already spend all your time together and just had the night alone together before?

 

It's meaningful for me to drive my loved ones to the airport and be the last one to hug them goodbye before a trip.

 

Plus, there is an element of "demonstrating love" by these acts of service. Chivalry, too :love:

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It's meaningful for me to drive my loved ones to the airport and be the last one to hug them goodbye before a trip.

 

Plus, there is an element of "demonstrating love" by these acts of service. Chivalry, too :love:

 

True. But in this case, the drive was literally right on my way at the right time, whereas the husband had to take off work and go in a completely opposite direction to do this. In my mind, practicality should win there...it doesn't mean they can't have alone time and a proper goodbye before the car trip.

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Some people love and also like each other. Married life doesn't always means a lot of time together due to life pressures .

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True. But in this case, the drive was literally right on my way at the right time, whereas the husband had to take off work and go in a completely opposite direction to do this. In my mind, practicality should win there...it doesn't mean they can't have alone time and a proper goodbye before the car trip.

 

You know OP, you're coming across as just being jealous. It should not have annoyed you, it's a nice thing that she misses her husband!

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GorillaTheater
True. But in this case, the drive was literally right on my way at the right time, whereas the husband had to take off work and go in a completely opposite direction to do this. In my mind, practicality should win there...it doesn't mean they can't have alone time and a proper goodbye before the car trip.

 

 

If you approach things from a purely rational and logical framework, there's a pretty good chance you wouldn't get married in the first place.

 

Some people love and also like each other. Married life doesn't always means a lot of time together due to life pressures .

 

 

Unfortunately, I spend a good bit more time with co-workers, and they don't look or smell nearly as good as my wife.

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True. But in this case, the drive was literally right on my way at the right time, whereas the husband had to take off work and go in a completely opposite direction to do this. In my mind, practicality should win there...it doesn't mean they can't have alone time and a proper goodbye before the car trip.

 

So much about love and loving is not practical.

 

Also, there may be reasons you do not know.

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As Lobe said, much of the time when we are together (At least for me and my H) we are raising kids, or at our respective jobs during the day, or exhausted from both.... so when we do get time to relax together we try to enjoy it and hate for it to end, since it usually means going back to the real world.

 

That said, I also enjoy time away from my H. I would love for him to take the kids for a weekend to his sisters so that I can have some free time at home to watch what I want to watch on tv, and do what I want to do in the comfort of my home, and I know he enjoys having that time as well when I take the kids to visit my friends or family in NM.

 

It's all about balance.

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True. But in this case, the drive was literally right on my way at the right time, whereas the husband had to take off work and go in a completely opposite direction to do this. In my mind, practicality should win there...it doesn't mean they can't have alone time and a proper goodbye before the car trip.

 

Maybe they wanted to make out - there are just some things that can't be done with your BFF lol

 

Honestly, you don't understand now but I sincerely hope for you that one day you experience a connection that allows you to experience this kind of irrational, illogical, impractical, completely wonderful love and commitment.

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but I also don't understand it ...

What if, the driving force behind most of this desire to be in each others' company, was a form of love that you may not have as yet experienced? That would explain why you don't understand.

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Married 20 years & all my friends are married, none of us are like that. A occasional date with our spouses here & there but no dire need to spend time together. When we all go out as couples we all usually separate bc we see our spouses all the time & if any stayed an extra day on a trip, I can guarantee none of us would even talk about our spouses leaving, unless saying something like "sucks for them"...the only couples I see behave like that are codependent unhealthy couples that we as a group never want to hangout with.

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the only couples I see behave like that are codependent unhealthy couples that we as a group never want to hangout with.

 

Ouch. I think that's a bit of a broad brush lol

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Married 20 years & all my friends are married, none of us are like that. A occasional date with our spouses here & there but no dire need to spend time together. When we all go out as couples we all usually separate bc we see our spouses all the time & if any stayed an extra day on a trip, I can guarantee none of us would even talk about our spouses leaving, unless saying something like "sucks for them"...the only couples I see behave like that are codependent unhealthy couples that we as a group never want to hangout with.

 

That sucks for you actually! Who says that couples who love and like each others company are also codependent couples? That's a narrow minded comment as I know other LT couples who are healthy individuals but also really like their spouses.

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ShatteredLady

We met working at the same company. Together 6 years before marriage. We were married for over a decade before we had children. Some of those years we spent traveling, partying. We were together pretty much 24/7 & it was wonderful.

 

Once a couple has children, full time jobs, chores etc you'd be surprised how little time some of us spend together. My H is traveling to, or at work at least 12 hours a day. The morning doesn't count because it's all about rushing to get us & kids ready. He gets home about 7.30-8.30pm then spends a little time with the kids. By the time they're asleep we have at most a couple of hours to load the dishwasher, make the next day's lunches, bills etc etc. That's the nights no one has hobbies or school clubs!

 

No wonder so many workplace affairs happen. My H spends far more time with coworkers than he does me!

 

Finding quality time with your partner is easier said than done.

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That sucks for you actually! Who says that couples who love and like each others company are also codependent couples? That's a narrow minded comment as I know other LT couples who are healthy individuals but also really like their spouses.

 

I've been around couples married 60 years that don't act like that. They love each other & go do things but don't act all weird when they can't or someone does something alone. If you can't do anything alone, that isn't love, that's codependent. Yes I like going to do things with my H but I'm secure enough in myself that I'll be ok without him next to me 25/7, I feel sorry for anyone that isn't. Like I said in my experience the couples that are like that are the couples no one else really seems to like, not bc of jealousy bc it's not fun to be around codependents...like the people that bring their spouse to a girls or guys night out...it's just weird

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I've been around couples married 60 years that don't act like that. They love each other & go do things but don't act all weird when they can't or someone does something alone. If you can't do anything alone, that isn't love, that's codependent. Yes I like going to do things with my H but I'm secure enough in myself that I'll be ok without him next to me 25/7, I feel sorry for anyone that isn't. Like I said in my experience the couples that are like that are the couples no one else really seems to like, not bc of jealousy bc it's not fun to be around codependents...like the people that bring their spouse to a girls or guys night out...it's just weird

 

Who says that they can't or won't do anything alone? Agreed that is unhealthy but what I'm talking about are healthy people that may have outside interests but also enjoy their spouses company and have shared interests...for example, running, cycling and playing golf together.

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Who says that they can't or won't do anything alone? Agreed that is unhealthy but what I'm talking about are healthy people that may have outside interests but also enjoy their spouses company and have shared interests...for example, running, cycling and playing golf together.

 

Why if someone doesn't explain something verbatim on here it's completely misunderstood?

 

The OP isn't saying just spending some time together, she's saying couples that that's all they want to do. Her story, it's weird that the wife stayed an extra day & is complaining about her husband leaving, it's one day & she's with other people.

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Why if someone doesn't explain something verbatim on here it's completely misunderstood?

 

The OP isn't saying just spending some time together, she's saying couples that that's all they want to do. Her story, it's weird that the wife stayed an extra day & is complaining about her husband leaving, it's one day & she's with other people.

 

But we don't really know how busy this couple is, how long they have been together (newlyweds who can't keep their hands off each other yet perhaps? maybe he's military and could be shipping out at any time? maybe the OP is just young and jealous because she's not in an LTA?) so to assume that the only logical explanation for a couple to want to spend as much time as possible together is that they are codependent seems a bit rash and overgeneralized.

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If you can't do anything alone, that isn't love, that's codependent.

 

I still think there's not enough information to assess if this couple is codependent or not - expressing sadness or disappointment that your spouse can't be with you isn't the same as leaving with your spouse because you can't be without them.

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My wife and I are each other's best friends. We love to vacation together as well as sit on the deck and have a glass of wine and talk about life....or the day or our next adventure.

 

I do enjoy a golf outing but have no desire for a "boys" trip longer than an overnighter to play golf out of town....

 

I love to travel with my wife just to see the joy in her when I am able to provide an experience for her that she has always wanted, i.e. Balloon Fest in NM was at the top of her bucket list, we went first class a couple of years ago and I could see the joy she had in going....that's my reward...

 

All couples are different and have different methods to what makes them tick...

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But we don't really know how busy this couple is, how long they have been together (newlyweds who can't keep their hands off each other yet perhaps? maybe he's military and could be shipping out at any time? maybe the OP is just young and jealous because she's not in an LTA?) so to assume that the only logical explanation for a couple to want to spend as much time as possible together is that they are codependent seems a bit rash and overgeneralized.

 

I'm sure that if the H was in the military on leave the OP wouldn't be thinking it's odd the wife was complaining. Also why stay another day just to complain to everyone? That right there sounds off. I'm sorry but I've yet to meet the couple that wants to spend all the time they can together & be normal. I've never met any & thats 10 years in every kid's organization I've been the head of, my work, & all my H & I organizations...I've in my personal experience have not met a couple like that & they're not extremely weird & the average couple can relate...in fact the last couple we all know that was like that, the H left the wife for another woman & came out & said that it was all fake & he couldn't live like that anymore.

 

There's a difference between spending time together to wanting to spend "all time" together...especially if you're living together.

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