WCSU1987 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Not sure with the wedding 5 months away been pondering this question. Think it's a lot of don't due to so many outside opinionso questioning the relationship with my fiancée. We are very independent and strong headed people. It took us a few months after proposing for us to pick out a wedding date. Took us a while to hash out our future regarding children and not wanting any for the first 2 years of our marriage. Fiancée wanted to stay living with her mom till we both settled in our careers. Decided that live with the MIL from December to July. The holidays took a while to compromise on either seeing each family that day or rotating between Thanksgiving & Christmas. Also depends who is off and on those days working since we are both in the health care field. We do share some similar interest like reading, hiking, the paranormal, we like certain movies, Halloween, and camping. I can hike a bit further mostly day hikes with the fiancée. We also are working towards the same majors together. We have some differences I love to run and swim. Fiancée use to be a dancer up until the end of high school, but took a lot out of the knees literally. Mostly walking and occasionally the gym. We do love animals. Food wise I eat more veggies and less takeout/fast food. On vacations fiancée is more into time in towns and shopping. Me more into living on the beach. I feel we are good for each other. Not sure what to do? Feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 (edited) I'd set my hair on fire first before I would live in someones household let alone the in laws. Lets see... get married, don't live on your own, career isn't established. Did I miss something? Edited August 23, 2016 by Rockdad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I'm of Italian background so living with parents / inlaws for a short period of time to save money isn't all that unusual. I did when I newly married and although it wasn't our ideal, we did for 5 months and managed to save a ton of money that helped us buy the house of our dreams. As long as there is an end date and that you have your privacy, I don't necessarily see it as a huge problem. As for the rest of your post, I'm not sure I understand your concerns unless there is more you're not telling us. From your description you seem to be a decent match. No couple is 100% in alignment on everything. Marriage is about compromises and give and take BUT you have to WANT to get married. What is the real issue here? What are you questioning? What would put your mind at ease and make you not question your impending marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 How old are you two? With the exception of family planning, you have mentioned some very irrelevant fluff that matters next to nothing in terms of long term success of a marriage. A marring of true equals seldom happens nor pans out. Somebody has to have the 51%....you have to figure that out. Next, how are your communication skills as a couple? ie do you avoid while she engages? Do you both rage? This has to be at least thought of. Also, you said nothing of your spiritual beliefs/ political leanings/ and sexual compatibility ...3 very important factors in the identity of a marriage.. If your going to get married, I suggest you take a pre-marriage/compatibility class just to make sure you guys are from the same planet...right now you're in the same solar system, but it may not be close enough. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I disagree that it's irrelevant fluff. What you did was learn to talk and compromise with each other to solve problems in your life no matter how trivial they are. That's a skill not many married couples have. I see that as a plus. You seem to be compatible in other ways--you will always have some differences and you both should have hobbies that are individual anyway. May I ask-- How old are you both? How long have you been together? What are both of your previous relationship history? How's your sex life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 How long have you two been together, and how old are you? I would not call running vs. occasional gym a “major difference”. You know you don’t have to do the same things, eat the same things, have the same hobbies to get along right? I horse back ride, my husband is into two wheels (mt bike / moto cross) works out perfectly for us, we can both do our hobbies on the weekend and not be in each other’s hair 24/7. Do you two have a similar vision for the future? Same goals? Similar life philosophies / religion? Do your strengths and weaknesses complement each other? Do you find life with her “easy”? Can you get along with minimal strife and conflict? Are you both quick to compromise and consider the other’s needs first? Do you have similar spending habits and views on finance and savings? Child rearing? Do you love her the way she needs to be loved? Does she love you the way you need to be? Sexually compatible? These are the things I would be asking. Camping, eh’ I was a big camper before I met my husband, he had never tent camped before! He now enjoys camping as well – and he has expanded my interest in other ways. I think its often best if you and your partner do not have everything in common – rather can teach each other, and expand each other’s worlds with new things. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Don't marry her. I haven't read even once in your post the word "love". 7 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I haven't read even once in your post the word "love". Keen observation and good point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GreyKitten87 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Not sure with the wedding 5 months away been pondering this question. Think it's a lot of don't due to so many outside opinionso questioning the relationship with my fiancée. We are very independent and strong headed people. It took us a few months after proposing for us to pick out a wedding date. Took us a while to hash out our future regarding children and not wanting any for the first 2 years of our marriage. Fiancée wanted to stay living with her mom till we both settled in our careers. Decided that live with the MIL from December to July. The holidays took a while to compromise on either seeing each family that day or rotating between Thanksgiving & Christmas. Also depends who is off and on those days working since we are both in the health care field. We do share some similar interest like reading, hiking, the paranormal, we like certain movies, Halloween, and camping. I can hike a bit further mostly day hikes with the fiancée. We also are working towards the same majors together. We have some differences I love to run and swim. Fiancée use to be a dancer up until the end of high school, but took a lot out of the knees literally. Mostly walking and occasionally the gym. We do love animals. Food wise I eat more veggies and less takeout/fast food. On vacations fiancée is more into time in towns and shopping. Me more into living on the beach. I feel we are good for each other. Not sure what to do? Feedback. If you have to ask if you should get married, then you already know the answer and it's NO! Where's the love? So you both like animals and going camping... So do I... So does a lot of other people, it's not a basis for marriage. Simply sounds like you guys get along and have similar hobbies... Does not sound like you are in love with her. Just because you get along with someone and shares similar interests does not mean you have to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 it doesn't sound like you got anything better to do at the moment... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I also agree that much of what you have mentioned you have in common is irrelevant. It's nice to have interests in common, but not essential. Things that are essential are things like communication, life goals, family plans, spending habits, ability to handle conflict, sexual and spiritual compatibility, etc... I really like the question - how easy is life? When it feels good, it feels good. If you can answer these bigger questions in a similar manner, then you are compatible. Only then should you get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 No. You are not ready to marry. You need to be able to get your own place and set up a home for the both of you. Living with parents will be a nightmare on earth and YOU will be blamed for it. No couple is completely compatible. If you love each other and are committed to each other, then that will make up for a lot of the differences. But that is not the problem. Neither you nor her is financially ready to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
Ontos Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 No. You are not ready to marry. You need to be able to get your own place and set up a home for the both of you. Living with parents will be a nightmare on earth and YOU will be blamed for it. No couple is completely compatible. If you love each other and are committed to each other, then that will make up for a lot of the differences. But that is not the problem. Neither you nor her is financially ready to marry. First off: The fact that you are asking anyone if you should get married tells me there is D O U B T. So, I say - hit the pause button and when you KNOW it is time... well, you will KNOW. 2nd: Financial stress is one of the largest causes of unhappy marriages. Get your finances in line and make sure that (per above) you don't have doubts. My .02 cents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 Should I get married... Hold on, let me ask the Spongebob Magic 8-ball which I keep right here at arm's reach, for special concerns like yours. Q Should WCSU1987 get married? A: "Today's Not Your Day" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 How old are you two? Given the year and school abbreviation in his username, I'd guess he's 29 or so. As others have said, 30ish and living with in-laws, not for me... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 If you have to ask whether or not you should get married, the answer is no. You are wavering, which means you aren't fully committed. Also, if outside influences (friends) can easily implant doubt, you aren't ready.If you were, your friends would see the love and commitment and support your decision rather than warning you against it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 Given the year and school abbreviation in his username, I'd guess he's 29 or so. As others have said, 30ish and living with in-laws, not for me... I think you pegged the age. Also, based on the OP's very first post - here - from last November, I don't think all the issues have been hammered out and there are too many doubts to move forward with a marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 24, 2016 Share Posted August 24, 2016 Also, based on the OP's very first post - here - from last November, I don't think all the issues have been hammered out and there are too many doubts to move forward with a marriage. Agreed. Also a history of starting threads and never returning ... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WCSU1987 Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 I don't know. I mean the inlaw thing is temporary. I want to be our by May and fiancée by August. I might want to be out sooner as the MIL is looking to sell her place. I know it's selfish of me, but I like to have a decent commute to work. During storms or quick turn around at work plan to stay with my mom, those extra 15 minutes add up. We compromised kind of. I still would of liked the wedding next May. Fiancée wanted it in May of this year we settled on November of this year. As far as arguments go. Fiancée is vocal I guess will tell you what's wrong or if upset. Myself I try to avoid arguments. I sometimes feel my fiancée can get upset at issues that seem trivial to me. However, I look at situationsome that frustrate me outside of the relationship that upset me that are trivial. I am more a loner. I like being by myself at times and having my own quiet time. Fiancée I feel at tines wants me around a lot. I enjoy being around her, but I like my alone time. It's a balance. I feel our love making is passionate. Fiancée has a stronger labido then I do. I do enjoy our intamacy, but also enjoy just holding each other when we sleep. Find it relaxing and calming. We are both stubborn individuals. I will say I put my foot in my mouth at times. I've been use to be alone doing things my way and can be controlling at times, learning process. However, some suggestions I do because it's in regards to finances. Fiancée wasn't happy when we into ally talked about children and said I don't want children till we are done with school. I continued on about not wanting more pets till we're done with school. My fiancéeis afraid of my mom's dog and limits time my fiancée spends with my family. However, if an event does come up with my family I realized time is precious with them and will go see them. If my fiancée wants to go that be great, but if not then I'll still go. Fiancée is a Catholic but also a Wiccan. Myself I am exploring my faith. I identify as a Catholic, but do reading on other Religions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WCSU1987 Posted August 26, 2016 Author Share Posted August 26, 2016 Have a past history of depression. So I struggle a lot with change. It's very difficult for me to move out again. I think it's hard for me to grasp moving out and I feel even moving out will be trapped. I have a fear of death. When I moved back home one of my pets became ill and eventually passed away. I have a lot of lingering guilt that I could of spent more time with that pet when I was out of the house. I now have a family member sick and those same feelings are resurfacing. In addition to, when I need support it was always the pets to cheer me up. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Your additional posts makes it clear to me that you are not ready for marriage at all, but should be on your own and in therapy for a while.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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