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Second marriage issues anyone?


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Hi everyone. I'm kind of looking for stories/advice on how to manage my feelings as of late in my second marriage. First of all I love my wife very much and we both came into this marriage with kids. She has two 6 year olds and I have 3 older kids, two teenagers and a 9 year old. The way our schedules are with the kids other parents it works out to us having my kids every other weekend an 2 days during the week and her kids are with us a little more. It works out though because we have all our kids one weekend and then the next we have a free weekend with just the two of us.

 

What I have been having mixed feelings about lately is our relationships to our exes. My ex was Borderline Personality Disorder and has caused a lot of issues for us in the past but I have got to a point with her where I have placed the limits needed so she no longer has a chance to cause issues in my current marriage. If there's an issue, I deal with it and keep it away from my current relationship as should be and I have been very strict with her in regards to our divorce decree and what I'm responsible for and what she is. It's worked. My wife doesn't with her ex and it sounds stupid but lately I feel like the guy having sex with his wife instead of her husband. I know dumb but that's how I feel.

 

The reason is that this summer everything seems to have revolved around him and that relationship. I know that relationship will always be there for the kids and I don't want to get in the way of that but she just seems so overly concerned about his feelings. What I mean is she let's him take advantage of her because she doesn't want to get him "mad" as she puts it. So because of that he is off all the time with his new wife going on trips and telling her last minute that she needs to watch the kids. Or paying her $1300 every 3 months or so for support when he is supposed to pay her $1200 a month. All on his time too. His mother is dying as well so he is off ignoring her and my wife has taken over the role of taking care of his mother because he refuses to. He also never takes his kids half the time when they're with him and makes his sick mother watch them. Yet, he makes sure to Facetime 1 - 2 times a day, some time right in the middle of our dinner or when we area out doing something. So I have to see his face and hear him at the dinner table as we're eating. Kind of weird lol.

 

Aside from that her kids have been getting into baseball and other sports which is great but she never really talks to me about it. She talks to her ex and they decide it and then she tells me after the fact that they're signed up and we will be going to baseball every Saturday morning including our kid free weekends. Again, I know it's good for the kids but I feel like I had no part of that process. She will also invite her mother or father over every week and not tell me or run it by me. I get home after working a long day and they show up and she is just like oh ya they're stopping by. Again, I love her parents but it's like I have no part of things. Am I being stupid about this? Or if anyone has been in the same position before please give me some advice. Thanks.

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Maybe I am grumpy this morning, but if I were you I'd seriously sit her down and tell her either A) this shyte stops or B) you can file and she can take her happy azz back to her ex.

 

I don't think you're overreacting. I think the opposite.

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salparadise

Have you discussed these things at all? I think you are too agreeable, lack assertiveness, and the two of them are more than happy to fill that void by making decisions without considering your preferences.

 

Here's what I think you should do... first, sit the wife down when there are no kids in the house and tell her there's something that we need to discuss. Use "I" statements to avoid putting her on the defensive... "I feel," "I want," "I believe," etc. Tell her that you feel that better boundaries with her ex would be appropriate. That you will be involved in decisions regarding kids activities, especially on your free weekends. No cellphones at the dinner table, no FaceTime at the dinner hour. When he has the kids, he attends their games, and visa versa. How you present it will be key.

 

If she accepts your proposals, you'll have to be somewhat assertive in not letting it default back to the previous routine. If she pushes back, then you'll have to be more assertive on the spot and say, no, that's not acceptable. Make a list of specific adjustments you want to communicate.

 

The bigger picture is that you need to become more assertive overall––quit sitting back and letting her dictate everything, become proactive in planning how time is organized and how the home is managed. I would expect some pushback, but stay cool and don't allow it to devolve. I'm not sure how domineering she is, but your degree of assertiveness will need to match it.

 

It's not easy to change these types of dynamics, but one thing you must understand is that if you don't change, nothing else will change.

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Thanks for the responses. We have actually discussed this and she agreed to consider me and it would be good for a bit but then slowly slip back into not doing it again. He excuse would be that the kids need to talk to her dad so it's just a given. While I agree with that, there's a time and a place for everything. Also, she seems so wrapped up in that as well. Every morning when she wakes up the first thing she does is check her exes new wife's Facebook page. Every day no fail. She doesn't hide it from me but when I ask her she says its because of the kids. But she also checks on the mornings the kids are with us. Like I said I feel she's too involved.

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Or if anyone has been in the same position before please give me some advice. Thanks.

 

Think I'm going to be the dissenting voice here (surprise!).

 

Second marriages are tricky for a couple of reasons. First, few roles with more downside than "step-parent". You're supposed to be involved without being controlling, supportive without crossing boundaries and discipline without any real power. Helps to be a cross between Kissinger and Mother Teresa.

 

Second, both partners play two roles. Besides being a spouse, you're also co-parent with an Ex. Tricky enough to navigate under the best circumstances, even harder when, as in your marriage, the styles are different.

 

I'd be tempted to let go of a lot of that which seems to bother you. Any custodial time her Ex misses is his loss, not yours. Your wife's care for her Ex MIL testifies to her generous spirit - I'd celebrate it. Same with her parents, if it's once a week I'd be happy for their connection to the kids. Glass is half full, eh?

 

Much of this almost predictable when you marry a woman with 3 kids and blend families. I'd focus on the blessings, the minor problems seem a small price to pay...

 

Mr. Lucky

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TrustedthenBusted

HOnestly, it sounds like you were a safe place for her to land. If her kids are that young, She and the ex were probably still together not that long ago, yes? Doesn't sound like she's over him. Not in a romantic way, perhaps, but just not fully able to let go or their relationship dynamic and focus on her future with you.

 

Stuff like this is precisely why I never dated any women with kids back when I was single. Sorry that you are going through this....it sounds quite difficult. I watched my brother play second fiddle in his own marriage for a decade before he got out. It was brutal to watch.

 

Yeah, she needs a sit-down, and she needs to take a good look at her ring finger and remember who put THIS one on there.

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Think I'm going to be the dissenting voice here (surprise!).

 

Second marriages are tricky for a couple of reasons. First, few roles with more downside than "step-parent". You're supposed to be involved without being controlling, supportive without crossing boundaries and discipline without any real power. Helps to be a cross between Kissinger and Mother Teresa.

 

Second, both partners play two roles. Besides being a spouse, you're also co-parent with an Ex. Tricky enough to navigate under the best circumstances, even harder when, as in your marriage, the styles are different.

 

I'd be tempted to let go of a lot of that which seems to bother you. Any custodial time her Ex misses is his loss, not yours. Your wife's care for her Ex MIL testifies to her generous spirit - I'd celebrate it. Same with her parents, if it's once a week I'd be happy for their connection to the kids. Glass is half full, eh?

 

Much of this almost predictable when you marry a woman with 3 kids and blend families. I'd focus on the blessings, the minor problems seem a small price to pay...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree totally with you that the step parent plays two roles and I also admire my wife for being there for her kids grandmother. I see that only as a positive. What I struggle with in these scenarios are things like it's great that her parents come over and have such a big part of the kids lives BUT I work a very demanding job and sometimes when I get home the only thing I want to do is relax and have a low key night only to find out that I have to entertain for the next few hours because her parents are over. It would be different if I could just do my own thing but if I'm not present the next thing they're asking is what's wrong.

 

And with her ex I agree it's part of step parenting but his lack of parenting does affect me. When he refuses to pay the support he owes her every month and gives her what he thinks is acceptable every 3 months my wife an I are the ones that have to pick up his slack. That's on top of the monthly support I pay to my ex no fail every month. Does that make sense?

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Marriage counseling.

 

You need to lay these things out for your wife and it would help you to have a mediator present to steer it.

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BUT I work a very demanding job and sometimes when I get home the only thing I want to do is relax and have a low key night only to find out that I have to entertain for the next few hours because her parents are over. It would be different if I could just do my own thing but if I'm not present the next thing they're asking is what's wrong.

 

Here's another thing you let go of - trying to please everyone. If you truly need the time to recharge - take it! I'd explain to them the reason for doing so, either they'll accept it or they won't.

 

And with her ex I agree it's part of step parenting but his lack of parenting does affect me. When he refuses to pay the support he owes her every month and gives her what he thinks is acceptable every 3 months my wife an I are the ones that have to pick up his slack. That's on top of the monthly support I pay to my ex no fail every month. Does that make sense?

 

Sure - except it's an issue you'd have been aware of in advance. Your wife's interest in collecting the support due her is her issue. Make it yours at your peril.

 

Others are offering different feedback. Choose what works best for you :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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She should never married you ( or anyone else) until she'd put that situation behind her and had things in better control. You need to put your foot down a little more and help her get better control of some things. If not, you'll be in this situation forever in one respect or another.....

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Thanks for sharing your story. Stay encouraged and teachable, seek a support group, professional counseling or other resources that would address the issues facing 2nd marriages. There are no easy answers or simple solutions out there. Always keep in mind that you're never alone in this. She needs to do her part and you yours. The past is the past. Learn from mistakes made and set out to build your 2nd better and stronger. I'll leave you with two questions for you both to consider together: What would you like your marriage to look like 50 years from now and what will it take to get there. God bless, take care, and go for it!

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