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My wife fantasizes about her rapist


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When my wife was a teenager she was repeatedly raped over about a year. Usually multiple teens/young men, but there was on in particular that controlled the whole situation. I still don't know if it was a mistake or not but I went to therapy with my wife to try and understand where she is coming from. Thanks to that, I know way more details than I'd like. I could deal with the facts, but didn't need the play by play.

 

Between the way her rapist talked to her, acted towards her and abused her she made up this fantasy in her head to make it better. Her rapist told her things like they were going to have a baby together, be a family, hold her. She did get pregnant and had that baby. He's 9 now.

 

Some days she is normal and sees the situation for what it was. Other days though she has this complete fantasy in her head of what happened. That her sons dad wasn't a monster but someone she loved and tried to have a baby with. She will spend the whole day thinking about him and what their life could have been like. She learned the language he spoke, our son has a name from that nationality. On the "bad days" I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

 

Her sons biological father got himself shot and killed. My wife has told her son that his biological father died in an accident before he was born, but that he was loved. She never wants him to know where he came from, which is fair. But she follows through with these fantasies that he was wanted and loved. And I don't know if it's for her son or her.

 

She is in therapy and for a couple years this was completely "resolved" but now it's back and I don't know how much more I can take. I've heard her say that she misses him, wants him, wants more babies with him, needs him. She's more attracted to men who look like him when she's in this "mood".

 

I know she was raped, I know the brutality of it and how much it messed her up. But when she treats it like he loved her and downplays everything that happened as some kind of love, I can't deal with it.

 

She's in therapy, I'm in therapy, our son is in therapy, we all got separate and together. It's so f&*$ing much. But I also feel like a complete d*&k leaving. Her son isn't mine biologically but I'm his father. He knows me as dad and calls me dad. Walking away from her would mean walking away from my child.

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GorillaTheater

Brother, this is a mountain of an issue, and I hope there's someone here who can give you wise counsel. All I can really offer is to tell you I'm very sorry that you, all of you, have to contend with this.

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twosadthings

I try never to give advice but in your case I will because I think this is not the right place for you to get the help you and your family need. You are all in therapy. Keep at it, your wife in particular, and continually assess the professional help you are receiving and do course correction as necessary.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

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Dude, there is no easy answer for this kinda thing. None.

 

 

Truth is, if you walked away... the kid already knows he has a real dad 'up in heaven looking down', and his mom isn't leaving. "Course there would be fallout. She'd might flip a lid and go nuts for a while. She may actually think she wants you to leave and is doing this to get you out so she can find someone else. She might want that because she's jealous of the love her son has for you as the stand-in dad. Or maybe it's some kind of sick and twisted test of your love. You can sit there and come up with all sorts of motivations for her all day and not change a thing.

 

 

If you want out you can go. Hell, this kid's dad sounds like he's done far worse things. You know you can do this. Maybe you should tell her you're thinking of leaving and why. Give her the option to change and the forewarning of what might happen if she doesn't?

 

 

IDK, honestly, I've never been in that situation. I don't know what I'd do or if even what I'd do would work for you.

 

 

You have been heard, if that's worth anything.

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understand50

r_p,

 

Look your wife has built a different "life" to get past all the Horrible abuse she went trough. She loves her, son, but he is the innocent product of a rape. This is a normal coping mechanism. Once you understand this you can show compassion towards her, and if she being a good mother, wife, and lover. Yes, she is going to need and may be always need IC, but understanding how her mind copes with this is a good first start.

 

Then there is the child. The one true innocent in all this. If all they know is you are "dad" and you love them, to me that would be a huge hold and reason to work on the marriage. The love of a child is not to be thrown away lightly. It is, when they are young, a love that is unconditional. You are stronger then a lot of men, that would have walk a long time ago. Yes keep to your child.

 

This sounds like a relapse, I would let it run its course, and work with her until she is trough with this. Sometimes true love is best expressed by being there and holding onto what you both have.

 

I wish luck, and hope for a happy outcome.

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And that, is a fine example of Stockholm Syndrome. It takes years of intense therapy to work through. Her son is 9 so it happened about 10 years ago?

 

She was a teen when this went down, where were her parents? Are they still actively involved her life and support? There are two things that are crucial. The right therapy, and love and support from family.

 

If there was multiple males. How does she know who her son belongs to? Or is that part of the fantasy? His bio-dad, while still a rapist, could very well be alive and well. Rapists have gotten visitation of their children, sometimes more.

 

If you don't want to be married, you don't have to be. You are allowed to walk away. Men (and women) walk away for a lot less.

 

You don't have to walk away from her son. Did you legally adopt him, or can you? Is there a name on the birth certificate? Courts do recognize when an adult plays a parent role, even if not biological.

 

I do not believe in staying together "for the kids". If you are unhappy, they will know. Do you have other children or only her son? Do you want more children?

 

But consider this. At least she IS in therapy. If she was fine for a few years then she likely is in a relapse and you need to talk to her therapist about it. If she works past this and comes out on the other side, would you still want to be with her?

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That's a rough situation. When did you find out about this? If you're truly unhappy and don't want to deal with it, you could leave but be gentle about it. I wouldn't tell her it was because of her fantasies because that's not something she can necessarily control and she's not doing it to hurt you but rather as a coping mechanism.

 

and you could still have a relationship with your son if she allowed it.

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I don't expect people here to say something to somehow make it all better. We have therapy for that. Just to vent I suppose, in a more free setting. Or to be told I'm not a giant d*&k head for thinking about leaving, or that I am.

 

I know why she is this way. I know it was a coping mechanism. But it doesn't change how hard it is.

 

She didn't tell me that she was raped until I had known her for a couple years. Before I knew I honestly thought she had a good relationship with her sons father. Her rough patches were before we married so I knew it all before fully committing, I guess you could say.

 

Even I don't tell her why I'm leaving, she'd know. I'd feel like utter sh&t leaving her for what is essentially a mental illness. How is that fair? It's not like she's seeing another man, but if feels like she might as well be. She has fantasies about being with him, him instead of me, even during sex she sometimes thinks about him.

 

She has a notebook. On one page she writes her fantasies and on the opposite reality. Saying I haven't read it sometimes would be a lie. Huge mistake.

 

When she is able to keep it to herself it's not as bad. Out of sight, out of mind. But when I hear her say things like she misses him or he was good to her... that's hard. She tries to hide it, when it gets really bad she can't. She really wants him.

 

From a legal standpoint, I have no control over her son. If we divorce, chances are I'd never see him again. If she really falls into her fantasies, I don't belong there. Most people who recently know us, think he's my son.

 

Her family are not supportive. She didn't have a large family and the family she did have have abandoned her because they believed what she was saying in the beginning was true.

 

She doesn't know with 100% certainty who fathered her son. She has reasons why it's 'him'.

 

I think I bit off more than I can chew.

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I'm so sorry man. This is way above my pay grade. I have no good advice to give you, only my support.

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todreaminblue

when you have brutal things happen its not a given on how you deal with them...survivors deal with things differently......one way i deal with things...is to put my abuse in the past....its not happening now....people have questioned even on here when i first joined that i was raped because i can sometimes appear off hand or clinical.......saying things like....it happened a long time ago....it doesnt matter anymore......when the truth is it doesnt matter....i refuse to let my rapists define who i am as a person.....and it isnt happening anymore.....i get flashbacks...and triggers......i wouldnt call them fantasies..more like night mares awake....

 

i am interested in what the therapist has said or worked with the both of you.....specifically what the therapist has said to you as far as coping strategies.....?

obviously you arent happy or you wouldnt be writing here....what work do you think has been done to help you both ...separately and as a family...what has the therapist suggested...deb....

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ShatteredLady

No-one here is really qualified to truly advise you. Can I tell you a few things that I do know?

 

For a start people say that they are in 'therapy'. To be qualified to do that job you can be anything from someone who has spent many, many years at university to become an 'expert', Psychiatrist....all the way down to someone who has completed a few educational courses, therapist.

 

Within my family there are people who have experienced horrific events (like your wife) that are close to things that the human brain can't process & live with.

 

Some of us have 'minor' issues that we basically need an objective ear to listen too. Others truly need an expert. I wouldn't go to a nurses assistant for surgery!

 

One of my family had 'therapy' with a lady who went to night school to obtain a certificate. She was so unqualified to deal with the issues that she did a LOT more harm than good. My family is still dealing with the fallout of bad therapy. It's done more damage than the original events.

 

I'm in no position to tell you if your family is getting the right kind of therapy. How qualified & experienced is the person that your wife is seeing for therapy?

 

When one is absolutely desperate for help they can cling onto advise & implement it into their lives causing so much destruction.

 

There are true experts who have then specialized in certain areas. Please make sure that that is the kind of doctor who is advising your wife.

 

This must be so hard to live with for your whole family. I can't even start to imagine what it's like. I couldn't possibly judge.

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I'm so sorry man. This is way above my pay grade. I have no good advice to give you, only my support.

 

 

Me too. I just don't understand this or know what to say. I mean I sort of get the part about your wife romanticizing her repeated rapes as a way of coping but she says things like she misses him, wants more babies with him and she needs him. WTF? He's dead. The love of my life died several years ago and I still love him off course but I certainly don't spend my days fantasizing about being with him and having his babies. I mean what's the point of doing that when I know he's long gone and I'm never going to see him again.

 

 

If I were with a widower I would understand if he told me he still loved and missed his dead wife but if he was pining for her to the point of fantasizing about her during sex or spending his days daydreaming about having babies with her I would be outta there. I get the coping with being raped by trying to believe her and her rapist had a loving relationship, I don't get pushing your living breathing husband away for the sake of holding onto a dead guy. It almost seems like 2 separate issues. She is deliberately and willfully using this guy to push you away.

 

 

I don't think you're a bad guy for thinking about leaving. You have a right to not accept another man in your marriage, even a dead man. Ideally your wife would still allow you to be in your stepsons life even if you divorce her.

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I am sorry for all this.

 

While I can't imagine or understand the brutality and damage inflicted on your wife, or what that means to her mental health - I can say that with all you have done, you deserve to be loved and wanted and I think thats what I read in all this. Not that your not strong enough to be there for her and her son - but that you want to be loved and desired. You sound like a good man.

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I think I bit off more than I can chew.

 

Yes, I think so too.

You tried, but this situation is not good for you and your own mental health.

You are now in counselling over something that had in fact nothing to do with you, but it is still tearing you apart.

 

Sometimes the best thing is just to walk away and look after your own sanity.

Frankly here I would not blame you if that is exactly what you do.

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You're not a dick for thinking about leaving. Or least I don't think you are. Maybe I'm not a certified judge for that kinda thing lol bit if thinking about leaving makes you a dick then I know I'd hold that label too. I'm thinking the fact that you even tried to love her shows more strength than most guys I know would have.

 

Let me ask you a real question to ask yourself.... if you got divorced would YOU need to continue counseling?

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Yes, I do think you bit off more than you can chew.

 

A few things:

 

1. Multiple teen/young men over a year? And she ended up pregnant. To break a situation like that it must have come to light in some way and sounds like something that would make a bit of noise in most communities. Exactly why she wasn't supported by her family?

 

2. You didn't know about her past for a couple of years, child is 9 years old and it's some time already you are all in theraphy. Doing the maths it doesn't sound like you lived in marital bliss for very long. It seems to me that you probably should have seen signs of her behavior before marrying.

 

3. What is your relationship with the kid? Do you go along?

 

You are in one tough situation, but I think you ended up being into it because of some kind of KISA complex.

 

That's why you should always think twice and even more before messing up with someone with such a baggage. It might sound like a very noble thing to do but you always end up having real life to deal with.

 

I'm afraid she was just out looking for someone to provide for her and her son, but wasn't really in love with you (you're not part of her fantasies...)

 

In the end I think that you should do what is right for yourself, and I'm afraid your better option is to walk away...

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BettyDraper

This sounds like Stockholm Syndrome to me but I am not a trained professional.

What does your therapist say?

 

As a woman who has survived abuse in child as well as rape, I can tell you that rewriting history is a common defense mechanism. Before I went into therapy, I minimized the abuse I suffered as a child and even took the blame for it. I was brainwashed by my mother who often told me that I "made" her treat me poorly and I also needed to see her as the good parent which everyone thought she was.

 

You seem like such a wonderful man and I hope that counseling helps your wife see that her fantasies are inappropriate though understandable. She needs to acknowledge the trauma of what she endured and learn to fully embrace her marriage rather than staying stuck in her past. Nobody can tell you if you are wrong for leaving because we aren't in your shoes. My husband knows that I was raped but I doubt he would handle the situation well if I was fantasizing about my rapist.

 

I understand why your wife hid her trauma from you. She didn't want to be seen as damaged goods and rejected for something that wasn't her fault. I've learned to keep my traumas to myself as I have been judged when I shared them. Now I am very selective about who knows about my past.

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ShatteredLady

As I said before (post 12) I know family members who were actually advised by poor therapy to think these rediculous thoughts to manage trauma!

 

Please make sure that she is receiving the correct therapy.

 

My aunt was advised to look at her CHILD as the OW when she was abused by my uncle!! There's some really bad therapy out there!

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amaysngrace

She's messed up in the head but it's not her fault. Maybe you should let her know how her holding him in high esteem makes you feel but this really isn't about you. She's not doing it to hurt you.

 

It how she copes whenever she's triggered and seeing her son probably triggers her a whole lot.

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I echo what others have said. This is a topic to broach with your individual therapist. What I can say is that trauma such as this, especially in childhood is a lifelong issue. There are many ways of coping with trauma, some healthy and others not. You need to decide whether this is something you can cope with long term. It may never change depending on her progress in dealing with her trauma or lack thereof. I will give you credit, this is not something I would be willing to deal with in my romantic relationships.

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