Husband's toxic friend

[cupcakesyum]

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. Overall, our marriage has been a very happy one with only the occasional bumps in the road that most married couples deal with; however, things got a bit challenging about 2 years ago. My husband had some devastating and very stressful things happen involving close family members of his. It was during this time that he began to sink into a deep depression. He started going out with a couple of his friends almost every night, getting blackout drunk, and driving home. After about 6 months of me begging him, he finally agreed to go to therapy.

 

Over the past 6 months he has made a lot of progress. He no longer goes out and binge drinks, and/or drives drunk; however, he does still hang out with one of his friends who is what I believe to be a very toxic person--he is very self-centered, attention seeking, selfish, and only around when it's convenient for him. He is very passive aggressive with me--one time I came to pick up my husband from a sports bar that they were at because I didn't want my husband riding in the car with his friend who had been drinking, and his friend got angry with me and said some very rude things that were frankly none of his business. This friend, I'll call him Fred, has caused a lot of fights between us. Everytime I bring it up to my husband he says I'm being jealous and controlling.

 

I've never had a problem with any of my husband's friends before until now. I have noticed a trend with my husband's behavior when he hangs out with Fred; everytime they hang out my husband is moody, angry, depressed, and tends to be tempted to drink heavily. When they don't hang out for several days it's almost like I have my husband back--he is in a much better mood and more optimistic about life.

 

Fred is a toxic friend for my husband and seems to be hurting the progress that he has made. I can't tell him who he can be friends with, because all it does it start fights and I am so tired of fighting about it. I am starting to realize that my husband needs to figure out just how toxic Fred is on his own. In the meantime, I need to support my husband so that he can get through this rough patch he is going through. I could really use any advice on the best way to support him without enabling this behavior, but also not pushing him away by constantly expressing my opinion on his friendship with Fred.

Thanks!!

[salparadise]

You're right about needing to let him come to his own conclusion about Fred. I don't know what their history is, but male friendships can sometimes be complicated and difficult. If drinking buddies is all there is to it then he'll probably figure it out soon enough. But if they grew up together or have a long history it may be a hard one to let go of.

 

Either way, you need to set your own boundaries with Fred, and your husband when he's grumpy after having been with Fred. I don't know how to say to to that because I don't have much information. I would tend toward asking questions rather than attacking Fred's character though. Don''t let it become a push-pull.

[Cherryz]

Is it that you dont like him or is there really this issue?

OR IS IT THAT he comes back like that because he know you will be complaining every time he comes back from fred? or that you may?so he put his defense up already?

Ask yourself that.

 

and if its really that issue. did you tell your husband about your concerns with his friendship with this guy before?

if you did before then leave it. let him find it out himself and take the consequences.

 

but if you haven't tell him yet .. have a calm conversation with him, and tell him what you told us , the concern you have.

and let him know you dont want to fight but you just dont want him to go back to that place emotionally etc.

then leave it. dont keep repeat. that is what make people stop listen to you.

 

if he wise he would at least pay attention when hes with him and figure it out.

[cupcakesyum]

I'd say that it's both. It's no secret that I don't like his friend. Not only is he a toxic friend to my husband, he is also not a very nice person to be around. He doesn't have any friends anymore because he has messed up other friendships that he's had by his behavior.

 

My husband was behaving differently after hanging out with him before I started complaining about it.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[cupcakesyum]

I have spoken to my husband on numerous occasions about it, but he tends to defend his friend and just say I'm being controlling and don't want him to have a social life, but that's just not true--I just want him to surround himself with positive people who will help him and not hurt him, but I know that that's something he has to do for himself. It's hard.

[anika99]

This isn't about your husband's friend at all. His friend is not causing problems in your marriage, your husband is causing trouble in your marriage. You are assigning too much power to this friend. This friend doesn't make your husband drink, doesn't make your husband moody, angry and depressed, nobody has that much power. Your husband is already moody angry and depressed and this friend brings perhaps brings those things out of him and into the light of day. Your husband already wants to drink and gives himself permission to do so whenever he and his friend get together.

 

I spent years with an alcoholic who made several attempts to quit drinking during the course of our relationship. He had a few friends who seemed to encourage his drinking and his general unhappiness and bad behaviour. Whenever he would fall of the wagon and return to drinking these friends were in the picture somehow. Naturally I hated these friends and blamed them for my bf's behaviour, convinced that we could be so happy if only these bad people would go away. Having gained some wisdom over the years I came to realize that my bf was a moody drinker and when he wanted to indulge in his bad behaviour he wanted to do it around people who would approve of him and make him feel good about it. They didn't make him want to drink, they didn't make him moody and depressed. That was all already inside of him and when he wanted to let it all hang out he would want to hang out with the people who wouldn't make him feel bad about it. His friends weren't wielding some sort of mystical control over him and his personality.

 

I suggest you stop talking to him about this friend altogether. Stop making his friend the scapegoat for your husband's bad behaviour. Obviously fighting with your husband about this guy isn't helping and it's only causing more strife in your marriage. It's not about the friend, at all. You are acting like a mother who blames her own child's misbehaviour on other kids, except your husband is not a child and you are not his mother. Address your issues with your husband as though he is an adult who is capable of controlling his own behaviour and picking his own friends. Your issue is not this friend, your issue is your moody, depressed husband who likes to get drunk.

[Mr. Lucky]

Stop making his friend the scapegoat for your husband's bad behaviour. Obviously fighting with your husband about this guy isn't helping and it's only causing more strife in your marriage. It's not about the friend, at all. You are acting like a mother who blames her own child's misbehaviour on other kids, except your husband is not a child and you are not his mother. Address your issues with your husband as though he is an adult who is capable of controlling his own behaviour and picking his own friends. Your issue is not this friend, your issue is your moody, depressed husband who likes to get drunk.

 

Well said.

 

cupcakesyum, your thread really shouldn't be titled "Husband's toxic friend", "Husband's toxic choices" would be closer to the facts. From continuing to drink (and drive!) to allowing Fred to disrespect you, your husband has been a voluntary participant every step of the way.

 

Fred isn't the the problem...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

Bait the friend...get him to do/say something to you that is unacceptable in your husband in your husband's presence, then he will have to fix it. Forcing him to choose between you or his friend without the presence of an unacceptable event will be very very difficult...

[anika99]

Bait the friend...get him to do/say something to you that is unacceptable in your husband in your husband's presence, then he will have to fix it. Forcing him to choose between you or his friend without the presence of an unacceptable event will be very very difficult...

 

This won't fix anything. For one thing the husband and his friend would probably easily figure out that his wife had set the friend up to look bad which would result in the husband rushing to defend his friend even more. Secondly the friend is not even her problem, her husband is. Even if she did manage to obliterate this guy from her husband's life, he would just go find another buddy to drink and behave badly with because that is what HE WANTS to do. Telling the OP to play unhealthy games with her husband to trick him into getting rid of this friend is only introducing more sickness into their marriage.

[standtall]

This won't fix anything. For one thing the husband and his friend would probably easily figure out that his wife had set the friend up to look bad which would result in the husband rushing to defend his friend even more. .

 

Well by the way it sounds, I don't those two will figure anything out. The husband is not aware of any of the obvious problems.

 

Secondly the friend is not even her problem, her husband is. Even if she did manage to obliterate this guy from her husband's life, he would just go find another buddy to drink and behave badly with because that is what HE WANTS to do. Telling the OP to play unhealthy games with her husband to trick him into getting rid of this friend is only introducing more sickness into their marriage

 

Maybe, but the whole world runs on games like this. Also, it is not easy to find unhealthy buddies that you tolerate that is will to take on your wife. The strong woman/psychology angle aint gonna work either.

[AnnaTjacks]

I am glad that your husband did get therapy to help him deal with the family issues. Did he only start to hang out with his friend when there were problems he was facing? You are so right in that you don't want to push him further into that relationship by how you react. I know when my husband was greatly influenced by one of his family members that were causing problems in our marriage there was a line between telling him how I felt and not nagging him. Needless to say, I did a lot of praying and I asked God to word my mouth. The problem was resolved and he started to change. He also started to see issues with the toxic family member. I hope it happens soon for you.

[Lois_Griffin]

I have to be honest here.

 

On your wedding day, did you envision that you'd basically end up raising a man-child?

 

Because that's what it sounds like you're doing.

 

You have to monitor him and pick him up at the bar because he's too damned immature to fix himself and instead, relies on you to clean up behind him. Like a child, he hangs out with a 'bad crowd' and allows this guy to disrespect his wife - the same wife who has to pick his sorry ass up at the bar because he's not man enough to do the right thing and be the man he SHOULD be.

 

This is what parents do for their immature teenage kids who don't know any better. It's not what wives should have to do for supposed grown men.

 

"Fred" isn't your problem.

 

Your alcoholic husband - and having to constantly clean up behind him - is your problem.