We're drifting too far apart

[Rylie]

I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1 year. We both have PTSD so our relationship has always been a bit different than other relationships. Generally we get along really well and we've had few problems.

 

We've always had issues with us both having PTSD, that comes with the territory. It's significantly better now than it was 5 years ago.

 

We started having sex a month ago, prior to that we had never had sex with each other. Since then it feels like everything is changing in the relationship.

 

I should enjoy sex with my husband but I don't. It hurts, I get nervous and can't relax. I feel totally conflicted in that I love my husband and feel comfortable with my husband but in that moment, I don't feel comfortable or safe. And I don't know if that's because I was raped or because I don't trust my husband. (He use to have issues with violent blackout flash backs and intimacy). I'm scared of what could happen even though nothing has happened during sex, really.

 

Since we started having sex my husband wants to all the time. I get it, he went 8+ years without having sex. He's in his late 20's and has "catching up to do". I don't want to, because I can't get comfortable and it hurts, and how it changed him. To me, sex changed everything.

 

He wants to try more things than I want to, I just want him to slow down but he keeps speeding up. Usually we've always worked well together but right now we're not. He complains that he can't get his whole penis inside without hurting me, apparently he didn't have that issue before.

 

He acts a lot different now, since we started having sex. It's like now he's actually happy. If I didn't know him better I'd think he was on drugs. (He's not, he gets drug tests monthly). He's been looking at other women a lot (in public/real life) and the other day he changed a couple of his passwords and wouldn't tell me what they were. I didn't press him for them, only asked once and dropped it. I feel like we aren't as close as we were a month ago.

 

My family is useless, my friends aren't much better. As soon as I mention anything about being unsure or drifting apart my parents push separation and divorce. They hate my husband and my marriage. They think my marriage is dangerous, abusive and fake. They just hate my husband and have never bothered to really know him.

 

I don't like to talk about this in therapy because we see one of the same doctors and I have a hard time trusting that info won't be spread. My husband denies that things are different. When I tell him how I feel he seems to get it, but once we start having sex or he wants to, he's different.

[RecentChange]

I don't like to talk about this in therapy because we see one of the same doctors and I have a hard time trusting that info won't be spread.

 

This needs to change. What is the point of therapy if you can't speak about what is truly bothering you? Either you have to trust your therapist to be professional and ethical, and to not divulge the info, or you need your own separate therapist.

 

This is a very complicated issue, your fears are founded, and you need to be able to speak to a professional about it.

[NTV]

^^^^^^

This!

[CarrieT]

I don't like to talk about this in therapy because we see one of the same doctors and I have a hard time trusting that info won't be spread.

Ask for a different therapist if you are concerned about confidentiality.

[ShatteredLady]

I've been following your posts since you first came here.

 

So far, with everything, you guys have taken things really slowly with great communication. Honestly that's what I think has got you this far. Please don't stop now!

 

You mentioned in your other post that you were having sex twice a day. That's NOT taking things slowly!! I know that he's waited a long time but you've also waited a very long time for him to work through HIS issues very slowly.

 

I'd have an obgyn appointment just to put your mind at ease. Make a list of all the questions that you have. You can also discuss contraception.

 

Different chemicals are released in the human brain when we have sex, it changes a lot of things. Suppressed sexual thoughts now being set free could also be changing him.

I HATE sitting with a man who's blatantly noticing women. I HATE walking past a couple & being "noticed" (really checked-out) by the man. It's rude! If this continues you need to have another open conversation about it.

 

Basically EVERYTHING comes back to communication. I can't remember, has he been watching porn over the years? I still think you need to have an open & honest talk about his pass words. TRUST is essential to the success of your relationship & blatantly creating secrets isn't going to help.

 

Best wishes.

[Cephalopod]

What were the circumstances behind your rape if I may ask? And is your husband's PTSD a result of your rape? Did this happen after the two of you were married or is this something that happened before your marriage?

[Mr. Lucky]

He acts a lot different now, since we started having sex. It's like now he's actually happy.

 

Is it possible Rylie that you resent him for this reason - that he's happy?

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

maybe the issues you have are resulting in a very dry body, and a lubricant....even though you are young, would help a lot for the pain.

 

another idea....have sensual encounters that very slowly build up to sex. like light some candles, play some soft music, and give each other a sensual body massage with scented oils. Something to get your body and mind into the mood.

[Rylie]

This needs to change. What is the point of therapy if you can't speak about what is truly bothering you? Either you have to trust your therapist to be professional and ethical, and to not divulge the info, or you need your own separate therapist.

 

This is a very complicated issue, your fears are founded, and you need to be able to speak to a professional about it.

 

Ask for a different therapist if you are concerned about confidentiality.

 

The issue is that that therapist that we both see is the top PTSD and sex therapist in the area, one of the best in the country. There are others, but they aren't nearly as good.

 

We see her separately and together. So things that I don't necessary want to bring up to my husband at that time I don't like to mention.

 

I've been following your posts since you first came here.

 

So far, with everything, you guys have taken things really slowly with great communication. Honestly that's what I think has got you this far. Please don't stop now!

 

You mentioned in your other post that you were having sex twice a day. That's NOT taking things slowly!! I know that he's waited a long time but you've also waited a very long time for him to work through HIS issues very slowly.

 

I'd have an obgyn appointment just to put your mind at ease. Make a list of all the questions that you have. You can also discuss contraception.

 

Different chemicals are released in the human brain when we have sex, it changes a lot of things. Suppressed sexual thoughts now being set free could also be changing him.

I HATE sitting with a man who's blatantly noticing women. I HATE walking past a couple & being "noticed" (really checked-out) by the man. It's rude! If this continues you need to have another open conversation about it.

 

Basically EVERYTHING comes back to communication. I can't remember, has he been watching porn over the years? I still think you need to have an open & honest talk about his pass words. TRUST is essential to the success of your relationship & blatantly creating secrets isn't going to help.

 

Best wishes.

 

Honestly, I wish we could re-wind and not have started having sex. It's stupid that we had less issue with sex before than after. It hardly ever came up between us.

 

I saw my doctor but she said there was nothing physically wrong. She said I can try a muscle relaxer and changing my anxiety meds, but that doesn't fix the issue. She also said it could be a size issue, which I can't do anything about so that would automatically make us wrong for each other. Then you start hearing "that's why you should never marry before sex".

 

It seems like he's always looking at other women now. Not every woman, just the attractive ones - especially the ones that reveal everything they have. He denies it but it's so obvious to me. And changing his passwords. And that he's not happy with the sex. It freaks me out. It's like having sex ruined the marriage rather than never having sex.

 

Just a few minutes ago I had to check an event on his facebook. I asked what the password was, but he hesitated then took my phone and did it himself, then gave it back to me.

 

What were the circumstances behind your rape if I may ask? And is your husband's PTSD a result of your rape? Did this happen after the two of you were married or is this something that happened before your marriage?

 

I was raped before I knew my husband. His PTSD is from serving in the army overseas. He's had it for about 8 years. Mine is from being a teenager (and virgin) and kidnapped for a few days and raped. I don't really want to say more than that...

 

Is it possible Rylie that you resent him for this reason - that he's happy?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Maybe. Because I'm not. Something that makes me unhappy is making him happy.

 

And it terrifies me that he might not need me anymore. Not because we lean on each other, but because maybe he's only going to keep me around until he's "better" then leave and find someone to have a real relationship with. It'll be easier for him to get someone else and he'll take his out...

 

He waited a long time and worked really hard to be able to have sex with me and I suck at it. I wouldn't be surprised if he was looking to other women.

[ChickiePops]

It sounds like you two bonded over your PTSD and now he's moving forward and you're not..maybe you're feeling a bit left behind. I don't blame you for being scared..both of losing him and of having sex.

 

Don't do anything you're not ready to do. Don't let him talk you into things that hurt or upset you. Talk to your therapist..they can't help you if they don't know what's wrong.

[Rylie]

This morning my husband said he wanted space to figure things out. He packed a bag of stuff. He said it would be fine and don't worry about it but I don't know if he's going to come back home... I don't think I'm good enough for him anymore. He won't respond to texts or calls at all.

[CarrieT]

This morning my husband said he wanted space to figure things out.

I am sorry this has happened - PLEASE call your counselor and let him/her know what is happening. You have to understand that everything you tell a counselor *is* confidential so whatever you share will not get back to your husband.

 

I don't think I'm good enough for him anymore.

It isn't that you aren't good enough at all. But you ARE different...

 

He won't respond to texts or calls at all.

Stop trying to reach out to him. He wants space which means he doesn't want to hear from you right now. Give him that, at least.

[dpass]

• Your husband wants to have sex more often than you do.
  
• He wants to try different positions than you do.
  
• He wants to have sex, you don't want to have sex
  
• There is a possible size incompatibility (I believe in your last post you said he was a few inches longer than 6") that is frustrating him
  
• You are scared of having sex with him
  
• He has done a total 180 in personality
  
• He is checking out other women without regards to you noticing
  
• He's lying to you
  
• He changed his passwords
  
• He asked for space, packed his bags and left
  

To me, that all points to cheating. Both reasons to cheat and signs that he's cheating. The last 5 points are huge red flags that he's got another lady (or more) that he's laying.

 

 

Here's what I think... You held him back from having sex for as long as you could. Yes, he had his own issues about sex but I think you kept pushing to hold off and maybe made him believe he'd have problems with sex. Deep down you knew you didn't want to have sex ever again, but you told yourself (and others) that you did.

 

It got to the point that you couldn't hold him off anymore. Now it's clear to you that you don't want to have sex. And that's okay. But you can't withhold it from your husband. If you don't want to have sex and he does, you need to let him go or come up with another arrangement for him to get sex.

 

He doesn't have this major hangup holding him back anymore, but your still do and maybe you resent him because of it. He's moving on and you are stuck in the same place.

 

Stop trying to contact him. If he wants to talk to you, he will. If he wants to come home, he will. There is a good chance (IMO) that he's with another woman right now or that he won't ever come home again.

[Cephalopod]

Wow, I feel so bad for your situation.

 

As a man, I cannot contemplate the life shattering impact and trauma that rape must cause a woman. And I also sympathise with the fact that you don't want to lose your partner. This is not just about sex. This is about you losing the man you love, even though you cannot handle the intimate side of your marriage.

 

And therein lies the problem. A woman feels loved by her husband when he listens to her, is a good father to her children, empathizes with her, supports her, tells her she is beautiful, provides her with financial support (whether she needs it or not) and communicates his care and love for her on a daily basis.

 

How does your husband stack up in that role for you?

 

Now men are much more simple. A man feels loved by his wife when she has sex with him. A man must have physical intimacy to feel truly attached to and loved by his wife. He also needs to know, every once in a while that she respects him, admires him and that he is her hero.

 

How do you stack up in that role? Is your husband holding up his side and doing what you need him to do to make you feel loved?

[ShatteredLady]

I think some responses are bordering on insensitive. This is a couple who have battled for their relationship for a VERY long time. They've battled family, friends it must of felt like the world at times.

 

They BOTH knew what they were getting into & they have BOTH dealt with things that healthy, untraumatized couples would considered deal breakers. NOT just sex issues but physical violence, severe mental & emotional issues etc.

 

If (& it's a BIG IF) he is now doubting his marriage or looking at other women he's being incredibly unfair. After a lifetime of dealing with rape PTSD she can't be expected to try sex, love it & be miraculously 'cured'. It's been a very short time since they made this HUGE step in recovery.

 

She never said "Right we've made it through 1 4th July without you freaking out & blindly attacking me so let's go have a month long vacation on a military base listening to the gun shots & play war games, paint ball etc". That would be unfair expectations.

 

This is an extraordinary situation that we aren't really qualified to judge. All we can off is support & understanding at this impossibly hard time in her life.

 

I genuinely hope that he just needs to clear his head & process things. I hope that he returns with the understanding & patience that you have BOTH given each-other in the past.

 

Please keep talking. My heart goes out to you. Best wishes.

[Rylie]

He has only texted me once and all it said was that he wants time apart and he turned his phone off after he sent that text. I'm having a really hard time dealing with it. I think anyone would but it's even harder for me. I don't know how to cope with this. He might not ever come back, it's possible I'll never see him again. I worry about him, if he's okay, if he's staying healthy and on his meds, if he's alive. If he's with someone else....

 

Does it really seem like he's cheating? I guess he has reasons to do it... If he said he wants space and to be apart right now is it even cheating? Or does that have to count as not cheating?

 

I don't know if I could ever be good enough to be as good as someone else. Like someone else here said, I'm different. I always will be and no one wants different.

 

When people found out my husband had sex/intimacy issues they were sympathetic but when some people find out I still have sex issues I get responses like I should be over it by now. It's the same thing but treated so differently.

 

I didn't hold him back from sex... He had his own troubles to work through. It could have happened sooner if I was 'normal' but I didn't hold him back... I want to be with my husband the same way any other wife does. I just can't... He's not being the way I need him to be.

 

I can't lose my husband. He's all I have. All who really knows me and gets me.

 

A woman feels loved by her husband when he listens to her, is a good father to her children, empathizes with her, supports her, tells her she is beautiful, provides her with financial support (whether she needs it or not) and communicates his care and love for her on a daily basis.

 

How does your husband stack up in that role for you?

 

Now men are much more simple. A man feels loved by his wife when she has sex with him. A man must have physical intimacy to feel truly attached to and loved by his wife. He also needs to know, every once in a while that she respects him, admires him and that he is her hero.

 

How do you stack up in that role?

 

My husband has always been great to me. He's been perfect. All the things he should do, he does (or did, maybe if he doesn't come home). Every day he made me feel loved, appreciated and good about myself.

 

I try and do the same for him but it doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me. He needs physical intimacy and clearly I can't do that well enough. I can touch him, hold him, cuddle him, kiss him but it ends there. For a long time that was enough. Me being scared and upset during sex doesn't make him feel good.

 

People always said if we didn't end up having sex I'd never be enough because he wouldn't feel loved. So even though I love him so much and care about him so much it doesn't matter if I can't have sex..... Without sex my love for him is worthless

[dpass]

Does it really seem like he's cheating? I guess he has reasons to do it... If he said he wants space and to be apart right now is it even cheating? Or does that have to count as not cheating?

 

I'd say yes. He just got back on the horse, wasn't satisfied then decided he wanted a break.

 

Yes, it is cheating. You are still married. Just because one half wants "space" doesn't mean the marriage takes a break.

[Pollyannaslim]

I am so sorry you and your H are having such a difficult time! In reading through others post, I do think you’ve been given some sound advice – first and foremost, if you are not comfortable with your therapist, please consider finding one you can trust. There are resources available that can guide you toward finding one in your area – who can help YOU while you adjust to the TEMPORARY changes that have taken place. Would you consider reaching out to your local church, as they quite possibly may have a referral program specifically for couples who are in crisis? Through them, you may also be able to find a much needed support system, as well.

 

 

 

I also wanted to ask you if you have heard of EMDR. Not every therapist is licensed in this area of treatment, but it is quite effective and used for those with PSTD. Perhaps both you and your H would benefit by this type of therapy, but in particular help you with the pain that is associated with sex.

 

Oh my dear, I know you are hurting, but I also believe that what you are going through will pass. For whatever reason (and it is NOT you) your H needs a little time right now. He too is probably hurting – I can imagine it is hard for him to accept that he cannot “fix” what haunts you. Men like to fix everything, right? And when they can’t make our world as perfect as they possibly can, I think it can possibly cause them to feel a bit defeated. Let him know how much you do love and want him.

 

 

 

With that said, if you do attend church, I really hope to encourage you both to pray together when possible – over each other and over your marriage. So often I hear of couples who are drifting apart, but once they make that spiritual connection something supernatural happens… God becomes a part of their marriage. They are strengthened by the renewed hope found in Him.

You both WILL get through this. Yes… it will take work, but when you are feeling discouraged, remember what you have already been through.

 

 

 

I wish you well and will truly keep you both in my prayers.

Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator