Birthday Blues

[MaybeToday]

Hello. I never thought I would post to a forum about my relationship but I just needed to vent and hear what others had to say.

 

My birthday has come and let me tell you, it was like the others I have had. Awful. My birthday has always been that of being the worst day of the year. My family never was home to celebrate it in the past and as I entered adulthood, it became clear nothing would change. My husband of course has been less then stellar at celebrating my birthday. He more or less puts little thought into it. However I go to lengths to make his a special day because I adore watching his face light up. I am not complaining of the past birthdays, since it hasn't been a large deal to me.

 

This year however, I had made a request of him. I wanted a flower or a bouquet of flowers. I have never been given flowers before save for one time. My mother had given them to me as a birthday gift and I loved them. I had hinted over the years for flowers. When we would be a grocery store that carried them, I would gush at how lovely they looked. When we passed a florist, I would always say how nice their flowers are in the window. After years of doing this, I came to the conclusion that my dream of a surprise bouquet was not happening.

 

My husband implored what I would like for my birthday a few weeks ago, which was normal. While I would tell him, I came to learn I would probably have nothing from him. I decided to say flowers. I requested either one or multiple. He was surprised at such a simple request. He wished to know what kind and I said any would be fine, just as long as it was a real flower. This became the gift I was set on. Instead of leaving it at that I was persistent. Always reminding him that I wanted this so much. Flowers had become the item I had associated with love between two people from movies, friends, and of course another reason.

 

My birthday arrived and it began on the worst note. I went to work to clean up vomit which in turn, made my stomach falter. Finally getting off, I went home, eagerly waiting for my husband. He came home, tossed off his work boots. Sitting, he watched TV and told me about his day at work. I listened to him. I waited..... and waited.... he had stopped talking and still nothing. I asked, where are the flowers? He replied they were being deliver in the next two hours. I was beyond astonished. He did it! I was on edge, jumping up to check the window with every car that passed. I cooed and told him how much I loved him along with tons of kisses. After two hours and many thank yous, I grew worried as no delivery had shown.

 

I asked him to call and see if maybe the man was lost or behind schedule. He shook his head. I decided to call and asked what company he had went through. Again he shook his head. I had grown confused. Asking why on earth he wasn't wanting to check in with the florist, he admitted he had not paid. I was stunned and hurt. I prodded on why and he finally gave up the charade. He had never placed an order for flowers. I sat there, dumbfounded. I simply nodded and got up to work on some things around the house. He fixed dinner for us but the day was spent in quiet.

 

I know it may not have seemed like such a large deal but the flowers meant more then any small trinket or lavish gift. This was the first year I had not received a call from my mother wishing me happy birthday. Every year she did just that, even in the hospital she was in last year. She passed in October, and not having her call hurts. It hurts because I always looked forward to it and somehow my birthday always seemed much better. The last gift she had given me was flowers years ago. I just wanted something to make it hurt less. Something to remember her by and to receive them from someone I loved as well. I hate to come off as selfish or even whiny. I just felt like I needed to vent a little.

 

My husband is an amazing man, it's just holidays and birthdays aren't his strong suit. Sorry it is so long.

Edited July 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs ~ V

[standtall]

Maybe...that is the saddest story I have read in a longtime...heck I want to send you flowers.

[GorillaTheater]

Me too. I'm ready to send a bouquet myself.

 

 

I'm sorry, Maybe.

[66Charger]

Happy Birthday!

[trippi1432]

My gosh!! I want to send you flowers too, that is so sad. And what's more, the way he went about it, that was cruel. That sounds more like some "punishment" for having a specific request.

 

Perhaps he is an amazing husband in other ways, but I wonder if he has the empathy, kindness and compassion you really need in a good partner. Apologies, I don't mean to bash him, but most intelligent men would not do something like he did. Get your hopes up to only dash them like that. These are the types of behaviors in marriages/partnerships that eventually build up angst and animosity and fuel the fire for divorce later.

 

Maybe - One thing I do now for myself when I am feeling down or it's a special day, I walk by the flowers in the store and I buy them for myself. They give me a bit of a lift to see how pretty they are sitting in their vase on the table. I have a nice summer bouquet on my table now (as it's my birthday today and I'm single...so, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do).

 

My wish for you is that you go out to the store and buy a beautiful bouquet just for you, something that reminds you of your mother and smells as sweet as her voice felt when you heard it.

 

(((HUGS!!))) and Happy Birthday!

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I know it's not the same. . . BUT PLEASE! Go buy yourself some flowers. doesn't matter if it's from the store or a florist. GET THEM!!! Just like everyone above I hope you get your wish. But in the meantime, do not wait on someone to fulfill this for you. TAKE ACTION. DO IT!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Maybe, firstly "Happy Birthday"! Secondly, I would suggest that the next time your husband's birthday rolls around you dish out the same treatment to him as he does to you. Behave as if it is just another day in your lives, don't wish him or acknowledge it in any way by treating him special and so on. If he makes a remark such as ' Aren't you forgetting something" or words to that effect ask him straight faced what it is he is referring to. If he then reminds you it is his birthday say something like 'Oh that! Sorry I forgot'. 'Does it matter? Mine does'nt seem to concern you too much' , and leave it at that. Maybe that will act as a catalyst for him to remember your birthday the next time around. Cheers!

[NTV]

These two things you've said are at odds with each other:

 

 

My husband of course has been less then stellar at celebrating my birthday. He more or less puts little thought into it.

 

And:

 

 

I am not complaining of the past birthdays, since it hasn't been a large deal to me.

.

 

 

If you never told him how important it was to you, then you should. Clearly and directly. This little hinting at flowers at the grocery store obviously didn't communicate your desire clearly enough.

 

 

Say it clearly and directly. Tell him you were really disappointed and want him to make it up to you by bringing home flowers. It's summer, if he can't find any to buy he can pick some.

 

 

To be honest a lot of us guys are like this. We just don't always take hints well. If your relationship was horrible, you'd be talking more about that than your birthday or flowers. So it doesn't sound like horrible, can't-do-anything-right husband syndrome. It sounds like you made your birthdays out to be less than important, and he never realized when that wasn't true.

 

 

That's why direct communication is vital here. Not really celebrating has become a habit that needs broken. Maybe tell him the kids need to go shopping to get something for mommy's bday? Kids need to learn the value of expressing love on special occasions, right? what better way than on birthdays and xmas? (assuming you have kids).

[trippi1432]

Unless I read something wrong, I thought she was pretty direct and even persistent. I find it a bit passive/aggressive abuse on her husband's part to sit there and tell her they were being delivered and hours later, tell her that he didn't get them.

 

If direct communication leads a spouse to be knowingly forgetful, it's a form of punishment.

 

Maybe - I wouldn't be any different than you have been in the past on his birthday's, I just wouldn't be so lavish. That's just you being who you are, and not doing that anymore just leads to you being passive/aggressive.

 

However, what I would start doing is treating ME on my birthday. Go to the spa with some girlfriends, buy him a hamburger at McDonald's and have a nice dinner with your girlfriends. It's your day, and if he doesn't want to participate in a way a husband should, it's your one day of the year to do something special for yourself.