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How important is sex in the decision of marriage?


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Always.thinking

My boyfriend and I have always been very open about everything, more than any other relationship I've ever had. For 99% of topics its helped, when it came to sex I'm not so sure...we both agree the sex is great. I'm his 3rd best if you were to somehow gauge it, and he's about the same for me.

I feel that the person you marry should be your best - is this unrealistic? Will he never want to marry because he's feel like he's settling or always looking for the 'perfect' girl....or is this common that your relationship is perfect in every way but 1?

 

 

I'm an over thinker by nature, so I'm sometimes not sure if my thoughts are accurate or being dramatic

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3rd best? any chance you two could work on the technique...maybe move it up a notch or two?

 

Sex gets MUCH better with someone you truly love, trust, and care for. So even if the technique is poor, it will seem so much better after you get married.

 

Just be honest about the TYPES of sex you both expect...do not want some deal breaker problems after you get married when you say "you want me to do WHAT???"

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BetheButterfly
I'm his 3rd best if you were to somehow gauge it, and he's about the same for me.

I feel that the person you marry should be your best - is this unrealistic? Will he never want to marry because he's feel like he's settling or always looking for the 'perfect' girl....or is this common that your relationship is perfect in every way but 1?

 

 

I'm an over thinker by nature, so I'm sometimes not sure if my thoughts are accurate or being dramatic

 

 

Sex is very important to marriage, but I think it's a mistake to rate a person. People are diverse. What's important with sex in marriage is how giving you both are to each other. Are you willing to give him sexually what he needs, and is he willing to give you sexually what you need? Are y'all in agreement with what those needs are? Will y'all provide fulfillment of that need for each other?

 

Why in the world are you and your partner rating each other with past lovers???

 

If my hubby told me I was his "3rd best" he would not be my hubby. My hubby loves me for who I am, and I love him for who he is.

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I suppose it's different for everyone. But to me it is critical.

 

The thing about sex in a loving RL is that it is a direct reflection of your feelings about each other. The more in love you are with someone the better the sex gets.

 

I married a girl who was virgin and did not care for the sex after a while. We got divorced.

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You can't have everything - or expect everything.

 

Assuming you do rank your lovers, I have heard it said more than once about a partner "he/she was mind blowing in bed - but just not marriage material" or he/she was great but not trustworthy, kind, or caring about me.

 

I think the key in selecting a marriage is they are near the top (or best) in caring/giving/supporting your needs - in sex, in life, activities , in family, etc. and you feel the same way about them. You put in the effort ....because after marriage you need two people who will do that - for each other.\

 

I guess what I am saying about sex is that its not import that they be the best in terms of pure experience/equipment/technique but they actually care about your satisfaction and enjoyment and will keep at it with you.

Edited by dichotomy
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Kinda weird to rank each other. My wife isn't the best I ever had...she's GGG, but she aint a freak like some in the past. She is unique, I couldn't rank her. With that said, sex is very important in a marriage. To us, it's the glue along with communication.

 

As far as being the best you ever had, I don't think that is nearly as important as keeping each other satisfied with the frequency. Marriages, commonly end up being sexless after the kids arrive, more job stresses, weight gain, drinking, losing respect for one another,etc. IMHO, it is far more important to satisfy the others physical needs. If you could go at it daily, and she is once a week...or vice versa...then a compromise must be made. As far as the deep, loving stare in your each others eyes stuff...well that is good for some, but not necessarily everyone. Sex style and frequency is what works for you.

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If he's only had three partners total, then you're dead last! However, for most people, 3rd best is very good - and could get better. Anyway, it would be highly unusual for even your ideal partner to be the best in ALL ways. As long as overall, they're better than anyone else you could have chosen, and there are no areas that are seriously lacking, then you should be happy to have found someone so compatible.

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vanhalenfan

i can't imagine why you two are rating each other against past lovers! I could never do that with my fiance. If he told me I was his 3rd, I'm not sure how our relationship would be faring now :eek: Doesn't seem like an appropriate topic in any healthy relationship, and as you can now clearly see, it is affecting you in this way...making you question everything.

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Lol yeah the whole third outta how many crossed my mind too.

 

Ultimately if you're thinking this way you may just not be ready to get married. Marriage is HARD. But it really is about comfort more than anything else. Sex doesn't always get better life doesn't necessarily get easier. But life on average gets more comfortable. For me at least.

 

I guess to answer your question... Sex is really important to marriage. Without it you have a passionless marriage. .. not fun.

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Michelle ma Belle

I don't know but I'm hung up on the fact that you both rated each other regarding sex. Have an open honest discussion about sex in general but rating each other especially if you're not #1 seems counter productive and fraught with issues.

 

Is this really what it's come down to now? Ugh.

 

 

To answer your question, the best sex of your life is rarely with the person you settle down with long term.

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we both agree the sex is great. I'm his 3rd best if you were to somehow gauge it, and he's about the same for me.

How old are you two that this sort of discussion and debate came up!?!? It honestly sounds like you guys are still teenagers or in your early 20s, at best....

 

I feel that the person you marry should be your best - is this unrealistic?

Yep.

 

Will he never want to marry because he's feel like he's settling or always looking for the 'perfect' girl...

Someone striving for the "perfect" partner will always be wanting and looking for The Next Best Thing. No one person can uphold that sort of demand for another.

 

or is this common that your relationship is perfect in every way but 1?

Or two, or three, or more...

 

I'm an over thinker by nature, so I'm sometimes not sure if my thoughts are accurate or being dramatic

I believe you are being WAY over-dramatic. And possibly still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. May I ask, is this relationship less than a year old?

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I'm his 3rd best if you were to somehow gauge it, and he's about the same for me.

 

Is it like the Olympics where you toss out the lowest and highest scores and average the rest?

 

Mr. Lucky

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TrustedthenBusted

If the guy has the guts to tell you you're the 3rd best woman he'sever slept with....he's a keeper.

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GunslingerRoland

Yeah, ideally your spouse should be the best ever lover you've had, but it can't always happen that way. I would worry less about the fact that you're each other's third best lovers, and worry more about if you are having great sex. If you've both been lucky enough to have sexual relationships with other great lovers, then does it matter if there is a slight difference?

 

 

If the sex is only ok, then it might be worth considering if you can improve it, or if maybe you guys aren't compatible enough?

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I don't know but I'm hung up on the fact that you both rated each other regarding sex. Have an open honest discussion about sex in general but rating each other especially if you're not #1 seems counter productive and fraught with issues.

 

Is this really what it's come down to now? Ugh.

 

 

To answer your question, the best sex of your life is rarely with the person you settle down with long term.

 

I remember the movie, but three girlfriends were talking about one getting married. She states that she often thinks about the one guy she had mind blowing sex with. One of the friends said...you fk that guy you don't marry him, once he starts to piss you off and you no longer want sex what's left? A great fk that is screwing another mom from your kids soccer team.

 

Point being sex is connected important, very much so. But relationships can't be maintained based on sexually fitting togetherness (did I just make that up)

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BettyDraper

I would think that as long as sex in a marriage is satisfying, it doesn't matter if your spouse was the "best" or not. Maybe the two of you can improve together and create great experiences as a couple. The importance of sex in a marriage is generally a high priority for most people but that depends on how imperative sex is for each person in a marriage.

 

My husband has been my best lover but the only reason I've told him that was to give him a compliment. He is my best lover because of how tender, patient, loving and passionate he is. No other man has turned me on as much as my husband does and the comfort level I feel with my husband has inspired me to try certain sex acts that I never did or enjoyed with any other man; my husband has deflowered me when it comes to helping me conquer my fears of those particular sexual things.

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I would think that as long as sex in a marriage is satisfying, it doesn't matter if your spouse was the "best" or not. Maybe the two of you can improve together and create great experiences as a couple. The importance of sex in a marriage is generally a high priority for most people but that depends on how imperative sex is for each person in a marriage.

 

 

Agreed.

 

It is never profitable for any couple to rate their sex life and compare it to what they had prior to each other. A person's taste in sex changes over the years as they age, as the body gets less flexible and as libido begins to ebb.

 

I have what I consider to be an very satisfying sex life with my girlfriend. We are both in our late 40s and we are at that age where we don't fee like we need to show off or show each other up in the bedroom. The kind of sex I have with her is far different from the sex I had with my exWW when I was in my late twenties and thirties. That sex was wall banging, vigorous, sometimes violently passionate...

 

It was fun, and by all accounts (if I count the number of orgasms she and I had) I guess you would say it was "quantifiably" more intense than what I have now. But that doesn't make it "better". It doesn't mean that is was more satisfying.

 

I would say that the sex I had when I was in my twenties was "taking" sex, where I "took" my lovers and dominated them in the bedroom. And even though my current girlfriend loves it when I take charge in the bedroom, I tend to find that I enjoy "giving" to her much more now than I would have if she and I had been dating twenty years ago. I'm much more worried about making sure I take care of her needs than I would have if I were 22 years old again.

 

So be careful when you compare your current boyfriend to past lovers. He is what he is now, and you are either satisfied with that and looking for ways to make it more satisfying, or you continue to let it stay flat and level.

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