Traveling wife met man for dinner twice

[BryanMar]

Hello all,

 

I am a bit upset.. I have been married for about a year and a half. Last month my wife took a job which required her to be in Tulsa for training for 17 days. Things have been going ok since she's been gone although we did have an argument about 5 days after she left. She gets back home this Wed.

 

She mentioned to me last Tuesday she was eating dinner and talked to an older gentleman who was from our hometown and was up in tulsa on business... She said he was fun to talk to and it was a coincidence he was from our hometown... No biggie as she is social... Plus the fact she told me about it left me little to no concern.

 

Tonight she asked me to do her timesheet and when I logged onto her account on our Mac her messages app was open which showed her text messages... One came in from an unknown number to me. I looked and it was this man... Come to find out through their text history they met for dinner Wed and Thursday. It was all pretty innocent texting in between... He texted her friday he had to go home but would be back Saturday night...

 

Well tonight when I noticed these texts he had just invited her up to his room for a drink.. She politely declined but he sent her a heart kiss emoji.. He said she had to keep her hands to herself as a joke if she came up.. He was very flirty. She said she was tired and had to get up at 6 AM......

 

So she was saying no to his advances.. she then said maybe tomm.. She also declined his invite Saturday to get a drink.

 

Anyways.. I talked to her on the phone for about an hour tonight and I didn't say anything or bring it up... I guess I want to see what transpires...

 

My thoughts....

 

*No I don't think she's cheated on me.. Nothing to imply that.

*I have a gut feeling this guy doesn't care that she's married reading his texts

*We had phone sex today sending naughty pictures... If that means anything lol

*She's telling me she misses me.. misses holding me... She texts me constantly.. Hasn't detached herself.

 

Should I confront her about this? I didn't mean to spy on her texts but they were popping up as I was working on her spreadsheet on the computer. She asked me to do that. Do i have anything to worry about?

 

What should i do? Technically has she done anything wrong? Why didn't she tell me she met him? My gut is to just wait and see what happens.

Hopefully this is just friendly hanging out on her behalf and this guy is trying to push the envelope but why not tell me?

 

Bryan

Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar

[Mrin]

Wait and see what happens.

[lucy_in_disguise]

It doesn't sound like she's trying to cheat. I travel a lot for work and for me, getting to meet and talk to people I normally wouldn't is one of the few redeeming aspects. To me, dinner is innocent and totally acceptable. Drinks in his room would be crossing a line but it sounds like she declined those invitations. The fact that she asked you to log onto her computer knowing you'd see her messages reaffirms that she's not trying to be shady.

 

I wouldn't "confront" her but if it's bothering that he hit on her, tell her you stumbled upon the messages and talk about it. Nothing festers like unresolved resentment.

[dpass]

I didn't mean to spy on her texts but they were popping up as I was working on her spreadsheet on the computer.

 

Yes, you did. I understand how the Mac app works, my girlfriend has the same thing. However it doesn't magically scroll through past texts. You went back and read the old texts on your own.

 

You invaded her privacy, she didn't tell you the truth about him. Two wrongs don't make a right. If she didn't tell you the full truth my guess is either she IS cheating or wants to, or she knows you are insecure and would do something like this. It could go either way.

[Art_Critic]

Good lord you keep your wife on a tight leash and have no trust in her at all.

 

If she asked you to do her timesheet, which I find odd anyhow unless you work together and the texts popped up like you said then the only thing you should have said to her was that.. your text messages were popping up while I was doing your timesheet.. so you went to dinner with so and so.. hope it was good and wish I was there kinda stuff..

 

Your wife is out of town on business, that doesn't mean she has to sit in the hotel all by herself and do nothing, however that being said IMO she should have said she was married to the other guy rather than flirt some more..

 

Looks like you have some words to exchange with her when she gets back.. I hope you don't bury yourself over this and you both learn from this after you talk it out.

 

Good Luck

[kgcolonel]

I guess I have a different view point. She had dinner, didn't hide the messages, declined the invitation and successive invites following the invite to his room.....she handled the situation and didn't feel that it was necessary to make a big deal over it.

 

If it is bothering you, tell her that you saw the messages and appreciate how she is setting boundaries with the guy. End of story....many people on this forum have or have been cheated....it is a trigger however, balance is key to a healthy trusting marriage.

[BryanMar]

Thank you all for your responses..

 

Privacy.. Yes on a mac there is a messenger app that receives all your texts if you have an iPhone via iMessage and displays them on all your devices.. Her login on the Mac displays her texts. I am pretty confident she didn't realize her texts were popping up on the screen.

 

No I didn't go snooping but when an unknown phone number pops up with "Would you like to come up for a drink" it grabbed my attention. It would anybody. There were only about 20 messages anyways.

 

She wasn't being flirty in her responding texts. more friendly.. He was being flirty though.

 

I agree that I don't expect her to sit in the hotel room alone. I guess I have different standards. i wouldn't go for dinner with a single woman alone if I was traveling and I guess I expect the same from her.

 

Do I trust her?? Yes. Do I think she did anything wrong.. In my eyes kinda by keeping it from me. Thats the main thing I guess.

 

I'm sure it's obvious to her that last night he was wanting more than just company... Hope she does the right thing.

Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar

[dichotomy]

No you don't confront, don't say anything - but you keep an eye out - this is why....

 

 

"Well tonight when I noticed these texts he had just invited her up to his room for a drink.. She politely declined but he sent her a heart kiss emoji.. He said she had to keep her hands to herself as a joke if she came up.. He was very flirty. She said she was tired and had to get up at 6 AM......"

 

 

See if a woman started down this road with me and my marriage was good - unless I had to work with her (client, boss, etc) I would ended contact with this person in the future because I could see where it was headed if I did remain in contact.

 

If I had to work with them and remain in contact (client, boss, etc)...I would not have just "politely declined" I would have been a bit more blunt in my response to heart emojis and talk of my hands with "I am sorry, your very nice, but I am married and it would not be right to see you in your room"

[Cablebandit]

I guess I have a different view point. She had dinner, didn't hide the messages, declined the invitation and successive invites following the invite to his room.....she handled the situation and didn't feel that it was necessary to make a big deal over it.

 

If it is bothering you, tell her that you saw the messages and appreciate how she is setting boundaries with the guy. End of story....many people on this forum have or have been cheated....it is a trigger however, balance is key to a healthy trusting marriage.

 

THIS! This is how love, trust and communication works. It can be very simple and drama free.

[BryanMar]

Should I talk to her today about it or wait till she comes home wed? Or wait to see what happens and if she cuts off contact?

 

I know dichotomy says to not say anything but mentioning it now would prevent anything else from happening possibly?

 

He was pretty flirty.. She's a highly intelligent woman.. She's back home in two days.. She knows if she sees him again he has more than just hanging out on his mind.

 

I mean I know she's lonely up there and it's nice to have a friend to talk to but this guy is obviously trying to be more than just friends.

Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar

[66Charger]

It is not your wife that you need to talk to. She handled her end. You should have this guys phone number. If he is married, a simple call, should do the trick. As to your wife, give her a big hug. And shut up.

[BryanMar]

It is not your wife that you need to talk to. She handled her end. You should have this guys phone number. If he is married, a simple call, should do the trick. As to your wife, give her a big hug. And shut up.

 

Yes I do have his number.

 

Actually on Tuesday night she told me all about him.. He's in his 60's (She's 44) divorced... From our home town.. Has grown kids...

 

Thing is she never told me about meeting him Wed and Thurs.

Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar

[66Charger]

So what. You know how she handled her business. Dont create drama, when she stood strong. If she brings it up, tell her the conversation popped up when you were doing her time sheet, and you appreciate how she handled it.

 

Choose your battles wisely.

[Cablebandit]

DON'T call the guy. It is your wife's responsibility to respect your marriage. I think she will do that and you are worrying for nothing. Woman are way better at hiding affairs than us. She would already know if she is going to sleep with him and start covering her tracks. She has not done this. Love this woman and enjoy the fact that you have a trustworthy one.

[BryanMar]

So what. You know how she handled her business. Dont create drama, when she stood strong. If she brings it up, tell her the conversation popped up when you were doing her time sheet, and you appreciate how she handled it.

 

Choose your battles wisely.

 

Yes. Hopefully she stops hanging with him once he made it obvious that he wants to hook up..

 

If she does I'll just let it be.. she went out with him for company and when he made his advances she declined..

[jen1447]

Should I talk to her today about it or wait till she comes home wed? Or wait to see what happens and if she cuts off contact?

 

I think you have to decide fundamentally if you wan to to play the role of part time detective in your marriage or full time husband. If communication and emotions are good between you, you talk about any issues that arise, you don't investigate them on the sly. But if you don't trust her fundamentally and you're unable to talk openly w her (but yet you're married nonetheless), I can see how you'd want and need to gather info independently. Which is it?

 

Re the phone sex, is that normal for you, and was she acting unusually when it was happening? Reason I ask is for a lot of women, if they get sexually 'activated' some other way they can still want to redirect the activity to their partner, meaning it's possible this guy charmed her some way but she's got the wherewithal to shut it down and point the arousal back at you. Which is good, but it's also reason to not really want them spending time together if it's making her wet in the pants somehow.

 

Also what about you - was the phone sex a reaction to all this on your end at all?

 

And yes don't call the guy - you'll just look like an insecure bully acting out.

[BryanMar]

Well we had talked about having phone sex before she left. She even brought her little toy with her so we can play together. So it's possible but I don't know. Yes she brought the phone sex up and initiated it

 

If she cuts it off because of his advances for the next two days till she gets home I'm just going to let it be. It's the best outcome of all situations

Edited July 18, 2016 by BryanMar

[kgcolonel]

Again, if it were me, I'd express my appreciation in the way she set the boundaries and go no further than to say that it looked like he may have been testing the waters. Nothing but healthy and supportive dialogue.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thing is she never told me about meeting him Wed and Thurs.

 

At one point in my career, I was a big fish in a small pool. For that reason alone (I'm a very average looking guy), I was flirted with and hit on by young women looking for career advancement, some of whom I had continued contact with through my job.

 

Never told my wife about any of them, what would be the point? I didn't and wasn't going to act on any of it and her awareness would only lead to the kind of drama you're posting here.

 

Don't take a win/win and turn it into a losing situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cablebandit]

Again, if it were me, I'd express my appreciation in the way she set the boundaries and go no further than to say that it looked like he may have been testing the waters. Nothing but healthy and supportive dialogue.

 

I clicked this to LIKE it again. You sound like a good candidate for a relationship.

[BryanMar]

Thank you hopefully things won't change I'll just have to see what transpires. My gut is she met him at the bar in the restaurant and struck up a conversation. She probably figured he would be safe to have a couple of meals with and pass the time..

 

Of course men can easily take that the wrong way as sexual interest...

[jen1447]

Well we had talked about having phone sex before she left. She even brought her little toy with her so we can play together. So it's possible but I don't know. Yes she brought the phone sex up and initiated it

 

If she cuts it off because of his advances for the next two days till she gets home I'm just going to let it be. It's the best outcome of all situations

 

How will you know - keep monitoring the texts in secret?

 

Thank you hopefully things won't change I'll just have to see what transpires. My gut is she met him at the bar in the restaurant and struck up a conversation. She probably figured he would be safe to have a couple of meals with and pass the time..

 

Of course men can easily take that the wrong way as sexual interest...

 

fwiw, while women meeting guys in bars and having meals w them doesn't automatically mean they want to sleep w them, it usually doesn't happen if there's absolutely nothing attractive to them about that person.

[DKT3]

How will you know - keep monitoring the texts in secret?

 

 

 

fwiw, while women meeting guys in bars and having meals w them doesn't automatically mean they want to sleep w them, it usually doesn't happen if there's absolutely nothing attractive to them about that person.

 

But isn't that where the danger is?

 

Look his wife has had multiple meet ups with this guy, they are texting back and forth and she has mentioned none of it to her husband. One train of thought can be she simply isn't giving it much brain space, second being (and more likely) there is an attraction on some level, some things she finds interesting and she want's to know more.

 

I think it would be wise to approach the subject with her, but simply asking how she is sending her down time and has she met anyone interesting....if is above broad she will be honest and tell him about this guy, at which point he could likely ease up investigating, if not continue to monitor the situation.

[BryanMar]

How will you know - keep monitoring the texts in secret?

 

That's actually a very tough question and a very good one. On one hand I am violating her privacy but on the other hand I think I have a right to know.

[jen1447]

That's actually a very tough question and a very good one. On one hand I am violating her privacy but on the other hand I think I have a right to know.

 

What about what I said earlier?

 

I think you have to decide fundamentally if you wan to to play the role of part time detective in your marriage or full time husband. If communication and emotions are good between you, you talk about any issues that arise, you don't investigate them on the sly. But if you don't trust her fundamentally and you're unable to talk openly w her (but yet you're married nonetheless), I can see how you'd want and need to gather info independently. Which is it?