Immigrant wife's job pays minimum wage but she wants a $400K home or else!

[darkbrooke]

My wife immigrated from Spain to the US 3 years ago. She found work as a daycare assistant that pays the cities minimum wage. After decades of getting my degree while raising kids in my first marriage, being a stay-at-home dad, unemployment, rebuilding my career and landing a good professional position as an Engineer I have finally saved enough and make enough to buy our first home.

 

Problem is that my wife insists on remaining within 15 minutes commute of her job in one of the most expensive cities in the world. We would have to pay an extra $100K just to live in that area.

 

I work outside of town where prices are cheaper and currently am commuting 40 minutes each way from in-city to out-of city. We also cant stay here because a Chinese investor just bought the building and legally increased the rent 40% to $2400 monthly for a mold infested dump which is more than our qualified mortgage would be.

 

My wife complains daily how she is discriminated at work for having an accent and being Spanish and her job is insecure. I have offered to support her financially while she retrains, gets her masters, stays home with the kids or starts her own in-home daycare or finds a new job out of town.

 

But when I even talk about relocating closer to my work she gets angry, scolds me, calls me selfish and yells "Egoista! Egoista!!" (selfish! selfish!) and then tells me that I should quit my job instead. she scolds me, talks over me, interrupts me, and tells me the conversation is going in circles but she refuses to accept any reason on this.

 

Also I have been planning to start my own business but need shop space which isnt feasible in-town. Instead she wants to buy a house with an extra bedroom so that her mexican friend can live with us or her brother can come immigrate and live with us.

 

Now she is saying that if I dont buy a house near her minimum wage job in-town she will return back to her country and take the kids.

 

I have offered every bit of support and encouragement for her to work the career of her choice and support her dreams but am not getting love or support for my dreams and career in return.

 

I'm almost at the point where I'm ready to move into a new apartment with a friend and just let her go back home and file for divorce and prepare to deal with the fallout of child support, custody of our two kids, legal fees or whatever.

 

We've been married 5 years and everything good that happens to us turns into crap and everything bad that happens to us stays crap. Attempts at communication turn into her yelling and insulting me even when I am very careful, thoughtful, and really just focus on understanding.

[CupCakess]

Consult a lawyer. Audio tape your conversations before initiating any process, because this can help prove she is not acting in the best interest of her family, making everyone live in a "bad" expensive place (instead of an out of town cheaper, more comfortable house) and also that she can be a bit abusing.

 

It can help your case when dividing assets.

 

To be honest, if you do plan on divorcing, take it slow and play it smart, do consult a lawyer as soon as possible. Make an appointment with q lawyer, so you get a head start on it. On the mean time, just put on a nice face at home.

[BettyDraper]

Your wife is the selfish one. Your career should take precedence since you are the breadwinner and you have generously offered to support her until completes more education. She clearly only cares about herself and not what is best for her family. It seems like she views you as a meal ticket since she wants a bigger home to make room for her friend.

 

My husband and I relocated to buy our home because the city we lived in was far too expensive and my husband's commute was well over an hour each way. I don't live near any of my old friends or family. The job prospects are also dismal where we live. I made that sacrifice because we wanted a house and I wanted a happier husband who wasn't exhausted from a long commute.

 

Marriage is about compromise and parents need to think about what is best for their children. There is no reason why you should give in to your wife's threats. She clearly has no respect for you since she has the nerve to be verbally abusive as well as unreasonably self centered.

 

I understand that most married couples want a two parent home for their children. However, I don't blame you for thinking about divorce. You cannot have a happy marriage with someone who only cares about herself.

[Dolfin80]

Pack her bags for her and tell her to go back to where she came from. You dont need this bulldust in your life.

[mrs rubble]

You can't buy a house for under $600K in my city. It's has gotton so difficult for most people with a regular decent income to become a home owner. There are record numbers of homeless people here now too.

I feel your pain!

 

Your wife sounds incredibly selfish, I'd let her divorce you if I were you, but first go to a lawyer and get an interpol listing on your children. This protects them from being taken out of the country without your permission.

[burnt]

Please consult a lawyer.

Divorce her.

 

This woman sounds like a selfish spoiled brat and needs to experience what reality tastes like.

[bubbaganoosh]

Ya know if you keep letting her brow beat you like that it'a only going to get worse.

 

If it's me I let her know that she has champagne taste with beer money with her buck three eighty job and let her know in a way that she understands you mean business and can go back to Spain anytime she wants but by herself.

 

You should check but I don't think she can take the kids out of country.

 

Stop back peddling and stick up for yourself. She sounds like a spoiled brat kicking her feet.

[Gemma1]

You can divorce her and also serve her with a court order that she cannot legally move out of the city with your kids. Do that.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife immigrated from Spain to the US 3 years ago.... We've been married 5 years and everything good that happens to us turns into crap and everything bad that happens to us stays crap.

 

Can you clarify how and where you met? Were you in Spain? Are you a US citizen?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dolfin80]

You can divorce her and also serve her with a court order that she cannot legally move out of the city with your kids. Do that.

 

No, let them all go out of the USA, kids might be a nightmare just like her. He would be better off without them.

[Els]

No, let them all go out of the USA, kids might be a nightmare just like her. He would be better off without them.

 

Are you ****ing kidding? They are HIS children as well! What kind of a father would he be to let her take them out of his life completely?

 

I agree with Gemma and mrs rubble, get a recording and a court order if possible.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, color ME confused.

 

You say your wife emigrated to the States 3 years ago.

 

Then you go on to say you've been married for 5 years.

 

Did she live the first 2 years of your marriage in Spain? Has she been continually pregnant since the day you married her? You say you have kids - more than one.

 

The whole thing is confusing.

 

[]

 

Or was she all sweet to you before you married her because she wanted a ticket to the US? I'm getting that impression because it seems as though she's now gearing up to get her brother over to the States.

I'm almost at the point where I'm ready to move into a new apartment with a friend and just let her go back home and file for divorce and prepare to deal with the fallout of child support, custody of our two kids, legal fees or whatever.

Can't say I blame ya.

 

Go to a lawyer and find out what your options would legally be. Without that knowledge, you have NO idea what your options are.

Edited July 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude and language ~6

[BettyDraper]

Well, color ME confused.

 

You say your wife emigrated to the States 3 years ago.

 

Then you go on to say you've been married for 5 years.

 

Did she live the first 2 years of your marriage in Spain? Has she been continually pregnant since the day you married her? You say you have kids - more than one.

 

The whole thing is confusing.

 

[]

 

Or was she all sweet to you before you married her because she wanted a ticket to the US? I'm getting that impression because it seems as though she's now gearing up to get her brother over to the States.

 

Can't say I blame ya.

 

Go to a lawyer and find out what your options would legally be. Without that knowledge, you have NO idea what your options are.

 

This is the impression I'm getting as well. The OP's wife viewed him as a meal ticket and a way to move to the US.

 

I often hear of American men who extol the benefits in choosing a foreign wife; they think they are getting submissive and traditional women. What those American men fail to realize is that they are seen as easy marks for opportunistic vultures who just want to come to the US.

Edited July 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~6

[brothers343]

As long as you've been a good husband to your kids and her, she can't take away anything from you. Consult a lawyer becouse I see this situation getting nasty. Control your anger and your emotions and you will have the upper hand. Record her, and play the game.

[BlueIris]

Can you clarify how and where you met? Were you in Spain? Are you a US citizen?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I was wondering this too.

 

I've known a few American men who brought over foreign brides and then were shocked when their wives had financial expectations. Those expectations were what justified their leaving their homes, families and lives.

 

I'm not saying you did this, OP. But there are some American men who "sell" the US to prospective foreign brides as the land of milk and honey and then don't deliver milk and honey- and get angry that she expected that.

 

I'm not condemning either the husbands or the wives for their expectations, but sometimes they haven't been realistic about each other's thinking.

 

Maybe this was a factor in your marriage?

[GunslingerRoland]

On the one hand I agree with others who say it sounds like she may have just married you to move to the US and live an easy life. On the other hand, you quitting your job wouldn't exactly help your life situation.

 

 

Also why is she working at a minimum wage job when she has babies/toddlers? Does she really make enough to cover the cost of child care?

 

 

[]

Edited July 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off-topic sentence ~6

[clia]

Now she is saying that if I dont buy a house near her minimum wage job in-town she will return back to her country and take the kids.

 

Have you actually sat down with your wife and gone through the finances and had a discussion about what you can afford? Is it possible she just doesn't understand? Mortgage calculators are available online, or your mortgage broker can even do the calculations for you if you point them to a specific property. Show your wife the differences between the costs of the different houses (including property tax and insurance) as compared to the income you both have coming in. Seeing those numbers in black and white can be very eye opening.

[NTV]

Folks are saying divorce her, etc. etc. etc. I think the first thing you need to do is stand up for yourself and your kids. Go ahead an move you and them to where you wanna go and she can take it or leave it.

 

 

Tell her something like 'I plan on seeing my kids everyday of my life. If you wanna do that to, then you better loose the attitude. I can't make you act like you really respect me, but I can respect myself enough not to take your crap. Either become a good wife or leave.

 

 

Edit: just make sure you have the kid's passports tucked away where she can't get them before you say anything like that

[lucy_in_disguise]

Maybe the way she is communicating her stance is problematic, but just because his wife is an "immigrant" and has a lower-paying job, shouldn't mean he gets to make all the decisions and she should have no input on where they live. Normally couples make decisions about jobs, child-rearing, and apartments together, and just because he is the primary breadwinner should not mean her contributions are less valued. oP is the one pushing for the move that would saddle her with a long commute. Given that they have kids, this will probably impact her ability to take care of them as well since she will be driving back and forth 2 hours a day. Is there any way to work together for a compromise? For example, find a cheaper place closer to her work, or work together to find her a new job in the new town? I am amazed that most posters are suggesting divorce because his wife is wary of moving an hour away from her job.

[mrs rubble]

Maybe the way she is communicating her stance is problematic, but just because his wife is an "immigrant" and has a lower-paying job, shouldn't mean he gets to make all the decisions and she should have no input on where they live. Normally couples make decisions about jobs, child-rearing, and apartments together, and just because he is the primary breadwinner should not mean her contributions are less valued. oP is the one pushing for the move that would saddle her with a long commute. Given that they have kids, this will probably impact her ability to take care of them as well since she will be driving back and forth 2 hours a day. Is there any way to work together for a compromise? For example, find a cheaper place closer to her work, or work together to find her a new job in the new town? I am amazed that most posters are suggesting divorce because his wife is wary of moving an hour away from her job.

Im amazed you think it's ok for her to threaten to take his kids out of the country and divorce him in reaction to him not being able to afford the house she wants.

[BettyDraper]

Maybe the way she is communicating her stance is problematic, but just because his wife is an "immigrant" and has a lower-paying job, shouldn't mean he gets to make all the decisions and she should have no input on where they live. Normally couples make decisions about jobs, child-rearing, and apartments together, and just because he is the primary breadwinner should not mean her contributions are less valued. oP is the one pushing for the move that would saddle her with a long commute. Given that they have kids, this will probably impact her ability to take care of them as well since she will be driving back and forth 2 hours a day. Is there any way to work together for a compromise? For example, find a cheaper place closer to her work, or work together to find her a new job in the new town? I am amazed that most posters are suggesting divorce because his wife is wary of moving an hour away from her job.

 

We're suggesting divorce because she is abusive and she's clearly not above using the children as pawns to get what she wants. The OP's wife is not interested in making decisions which are best for everyone in her home. She only cares about herself.

 

I agree that couples should make important choices together but it's obvious that the OP's wife does not want to compromise.

[lucy_in_disguise]

We're suggesting divorce because she is abusive and she's clearly not above using the children as pawns to get what she wants. The OP's wife is not interested in making decisions which are best for everyone in her home. She only cares about herself.

 

I agree that couples should make important choices together but it's obvious that the OP's wife does not want to compromise.

 

To me, the OP's description of his wife's over the top, unreasonable reaction; coupled with snide comments he chose to throw in, indicate that we are probably only getting a very biased his side of the story. It's clear he doesn't respect his wife and it's clear he believes his preference is the right one and hers is wrong- based on his income and her immigrant status. Based on this I think they are both failing to compromise. The things she's said could have been said in anger, and are not that far off from what he's pondering - i.e. Divorce her and take the kids. I think they are both guilty of not treating each other and the marriage fairly, but he is the one posting for help.

[Els]

To me, the OP's description of his wife's over the top, unreasonable reaction; coupled with snide comments he chose to throw in, indicate that we are probably only getting a very biased his side of the story. It's clear he doesn't respect his wife and it's clear he believes his preference is the right one and hers is wrong- based on his income and her immigrant status. Based on this I think they are both failing to compromise. The things she's said could have been said in anger, and are not that far off from what he's pondering - i.e. Divorce her and take the kids. I think they are both guilty of not treating each other and the marriage fairly, but he is the one posting for help.

 

I re-read the OP's post, and I do think you have a point. We are probably hearing a very one-sided version of the story here.

[BettyDraper]

To me, the OP's description of his wife's over the top, unreasonable reaction; coupled with snide comments he chose to throw in, indicate that we are probably only getting a very biased his side of the story. It's clear he doesn't respect his wife and it's clear he believes his preference is the right one and hers is wrong- based on his income and her immigrant status. Based on this I think they are both failing to compromise. The things she's said could have been said in anger, and are not that far off from what he's pondering - i.e. Divorce her and take the kids. I think they are both guilty of not treating each other and the marriage fairly, but he is the one posting for help.

 

Don't you think that the snide remarks could have been posted in anger as well? I'm not saying the OP is right for calling so much attention to his wife's immigrant status and her low income. It just doesn't make any sense for the OP to give in to her wishes since they will not benefit the family. The OP is only talking about divorce and taking the kids because his wife put that on the table first.

 

When anyone posts on this forum, we are only getting one side of the story so we can only respond to what is written.

[spanz1]

Now she is saying that if I dont buy a house near her minimum wage job in-town she will return back to her country and take the kids.

 

Sounds more like you are her meal ticket instead of her husband? Hope you like her whole family moving in with you as they try to get green cards!

 

Are these her kids or your kids? If she were to try to leave the country you could legally keep her from taking the kids! They need your signature permission to leave the country.

 

So talk to a lawyer about keeping the kids from traveling abroad, AND about a divorce too. This does not seem to be working out, and likely she chose you for being a well off sucker, instead of out of love.!

 

Listen, i KNOW it is hard on your own ,and when you do find someone who seems to love you and might make a good 2nd wife....BUT is from another country, has no financial means, etc....DO NOT MARRY THEM! Maybe bring them over and date forever...but marriage? Jeez, also do not send money to african princes who promise you in emails that they will send you millions of dollars too!

Edited July 23, 2016 by spanz1