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In a 5 year relationship. Unsure where it is going


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justsomeguypa

Ugh... I will try and make this short, as I feel I could write a novel on the many intricate details of our relationship.

 

So I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years. When things are good, they are great, when we argue, it is world war 3. We are both 33 years of age, and I want children. Here are a few issues I see, and I am unsure if I can or WANT to end it.

 

Negatives:

 

1. She has severe OCD, and is a teacher. Therefore she is stressed a lot, and I have to try and be patient with her "checking" routines for OCD. Problem is she questions my "tone" constantly, and I find it trying to be calm when constantly being questioned. We can go from laughing together, to her screaming in the snap of a finger. Especially if alcohol is involved. Basically if she could be at her "summer stress level", I feel I could marry her. But for 9 months out of the year it can be quite trying.

 

2. I want children without a doubt. Problem is we have sex maybe once every other month. So not only do we not sleep together much, but the actual act of MAKING a baby might prove to be difficult. Without going into too much detail, she suffered some severe emotional trauma when she was younger that mentally makes it hard to have sex. Plus the issue of not knowing if she can handle the stress of being a mother is worrisome.

 

3. Give/Receive love in different fashions. I am not sure how much validity everyone puts in the 5 love languages, but I am definitely someone who is an "in service of" type of person in regards to receiving love. For instance she doesn't show a lot of interest in the sports I play, or the projects I do at my house. What makes me the happiest is when she does show interest. She is very independent which is good, but almost too much so.

 

Positives:

 

1. Her friends really like me, my friends really like her. My family absolutely loves her, and vice versa. Problem is my friends only see her "composed" self that she puts on when in public, but when it is just her and I behind closed doors it can be trying because of the OCD.

 

2. We have very similar interests. We both love to travel, try new restaurants, craft breweries, playing poker, go hiking, local sports teams etc.

 

3. She is extremely easy to talk to. I can bring her around any group of my friends, co-workers, and she always has something to talk about.

 

So maybe I am just venting, but not sure what to do. I think sometimes I get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of day to day life that I don't give a ton of thought to the relationship. The best way to summarize it is that I feel like she is my best friend, but I don't feel strongly enough for marriage, but it isn't bad enough to want to end it.

 

Thanks ahead of time for reading.

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The positives you list do not outweigh the negatives.

 

A relationship cannot be based on friends and friends or family liking the person :confused:. While it is a plus in a good relationship, it does not make up for one where other more important factors and needs don't mesh. This is a sidebar concern in a relationship, it cannot be the number 1 good point about the relationship....think about it...that's not even about the relationship, it's about other people and how you relate to them.

 

Having similar interests also doesn't make a relationship. Friends can have similar interests, even virtual strangers. No matter how much you and someone like the opera, hiking and watching Netflix, these do not outweigh more important things like having compatible values, life goals and a sense of going in the same direction (if you don't know where you're going as a couple, that's the first clue that wherever it is, it's not in the same direction).

 

Someone being easy to talk to and talkative, again, this isn't a deep, fundamental or irreplaceable quality. In fact it seems 2 out of the 3 positives are more about how things look to other people, her friends liking you, she being talkative when you take her around friends, versus anything that's about you two as a couple and how well you work.

 

The negatives: different love languages, OCD, lack of sex, not on the same page about kids, are far more significant and the above don't outweigh them. This can lead to a lot more problems and stress than any amount of similar interests or friends liking you can soothe.

 

5 years is also a good chunk of time to know someone and if you want deeper commitment or if it has run its course. After 5 years you've settled in and likely no grand changes will be made to your relationship in terms of who you are, who she is, how you relate etc. Examine what you truly value in a partner and want for the longer haul and weigh if you would be happy with the status quo forever. A woman who likes to talk, where her friends like you and you like similar things isn't hard to come by, so unless you have some more pertinent things, this isn't a reason to continue. It's been 5 years so there is a lot of familiarity there and I know it is scary to change things up but you're obviously not happy and laid out some serious reservations then seemed to get scared and tried to cover up those big problems with some flimsy consolations that don't match up.

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Ugh... I will try and make this short, as I feel I could write a novel on the many intricate details of our relationship.

 

So I've been in a relationship for almost 5 years. When things are good, they are great, when we argue, it is world war 3. We are both 33 years of age, and I want children. Here are a few issues I see, and I am unsure if I can or WANT to end it.

 

Negatives:

 

1. She has severe OCD, and is a teacher. Therefore she is stressed a lot, and I have to try and be patient with her "checking" routines for OCD. Problem is she questions my "tone" constantly, and I find it trying to be calm when constantly being questioned. We can go from laughing together, to her screaming in the snap of a finger. Especially if alcohol is involved. Basically if she could be at her "summer stress level", I feel I could marry her. But for 9 months out of the year it can be quite trying.

 

2. I want children without a doubt. Problem is we have sex maybe once every other month. So not only do we not sleep together much, but the actual act of MAKING a baby might prove to be difficult. Without going into too much detail, she suffered some severe emotional trauma when she was younger that mentally makes it hard to have sex. Plus the issue of not knowing if she can handle the stress of being a mother is worrisome.

 

3. Give/Receive love in different fashions. I am not sure how much validity everyone puts in the 5 love languages, but I am definitely someone who is an "in service of" type of person in regards to receiving love. For instance she doesn't show a lot of interest in the sports I play, or the projects I do at my house. What makes me the happiest is when she does show interest. She is very independent which is good, but almost too much so.

 

Positives:

 

1. Her friends really like me, my friends really like her. My family absolutely loves her, and vice versa. Problem is my friends only see her "composed" self that she puts on when in public, but when it is just her and I behind closed doors it can be trying because of the OCD.

 

2. We have very similar interests. We both love to travel, try new restaurants, craft breweries, playing poker, go hiking, local sports teams etc.

 

3. She is extremely easy to talk to. I can bring her around any group of my friends, co-workers, and she always has something to talk about.

 

So maybe I am just venting, but not sure what to do. I think sometimes I get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of day to day life that I don't give a ton of thought to the relationship. The best way to summarize it is that I feel like she is my best friend, but I don't feel strongly enough for marriage, but it isn't bad enough to want to end it.

 

Thanks ahead of time for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

I would not trust her based on what you've wrote.

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You had to make a pro/con list... the writing is on the wall.

 

Why sign up for an already sexless relationship?

 

Do not marry this woman.

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Another note that you didn't add. If she has OCD and is medicated chances are she cannot take the medication without risk to the fetus during pregnancy, she also may not be able to breastfeed - which is healthier for mum and baby. It depends on the medication and some are safer than others, but there is always going to be a risk to the baby.

 

It's also unlikely that she will be able to handle the stress of a baby from what you have described. Even in the best of times raising kids is stressful.

 

I have PTSD, my husband also has PTSD. We aren't having children any time in the near future and possibly never. Not only would my medications be a risk, but as a person [couple] with a stress-induced disorder that is not under full control, it's not the right option. The hypothetical child is more important than the desire to have one.

 

Honestly, from what you have wrote, I think the cons outweigh the pros. The pros are qualities of a good friend, and partner, but as a friend as well.

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justsomeguypa
I would not trust her based on what you've wrote.

 

I'm curious what you mean by not trusting her?

 

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I kind of had a feeling this would be the reply. I quasi-broke up with her in October, but ended up not going through with it. She is definitely the alpha, so not sure how I will go about ending it.

 

I also have never really broke it off with someone, so I am going to need to read up on the best approach. :sick:

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That's a tough situation to be in. You've put a lot of time and energy into this relationship, and obviously care about her a lot. It sounds like you really know what you want, and what you need to do, though. Do you really see a future with her, or are you just staying in a relationship because you've been with her for so long? Maybe you could take some time apart if you're still not sure what to do - a week or so just to gather your thoughts and figure out what it is you really want. Is there someone you're close to you could ask for some advice as to the best way to talk to her about how you're feeling? Maybe someone who knows her well, too? I hope that you're able to figure out the best solution for you. Best of luck with your decision, friend!

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Positives:

 

1. Her friends really like me, my friends really like her. My family absolutely loves her, and vice versa. Problem is my friends only see her "composed" self that she puts on when in public, but when it is just her and I behind closed doors it can be trying because of the OCD.

 

2. We have very similar interests. We both love to travel, try new restaurants, craft breweries, playing poker, go hiking, local sports teams etc.

 

3. She is extremely easy to talk to. I can bring her around any group of my friends, co-workers, and she always has something to talk about.

 

A pet would offer you this same level of companionship - happy to see you, enjoy the same things and a darn good listener.

 

I'd have higher expectations of a life partner and mother of my children...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I read up until the " we have sex every other month" part. After 5 yrs? Wow...that would be the end. Nobody needs an expensive, OCD roommate.

 

Divorce, then hook up with one of her friends.

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I'm curious what you mean by not trusting her?

 

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I kind of had a feeling this would be the reply. I quasi-broke up with her in October, but ended up not going through with it. She is definitely the alpha, so not sure how I will go about ending it.

 

I also have never really broke it off with someone, so I am going to need to read up on the best approach. :sick:

 

Meaning she's probably seeing someone else.

 

 

As far as not sure how to end it... my recommendation is to allow her to come home to you with all your stuff packed and loaded in a Uhaul, half your face is painted blue, and you're surfing Apartment Finders, but you act shocked because you haven't had time to properly dispose of the 14 crumpled sticky notes on the floor with "c-ya b*tch!" written in different fonts even if you did get one on the fridge. and on the bathroom mirror. and in the medicine cabinet. and in the cereal box....

 

 

But that's just my recommendation.

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I'm curious what you mean by not trusting her?

 

 

Thank you everyone for your replies. I kind of had a feeling this would be the reply. I quasi-broke up with her in October, but ended up not going through with it. She is definitely the alpha, so not sure how I will go about ending it.

 

I also have never really broke it off with someone, so I am going to need to read up on the best approach. :sick:

 

You can read up on it until your eye balls fall out but it isn't going to change the fact that breaking up means no longer having a relationship and neither of you have a day to day role in each other's live's.

 

Breaking up means you each move on with your lives without the other one in it.

 

It will be scary and upsetting and disruptive no matter how you do it or how you say it.

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She has severe OCD.... We can go from laughing together, to her screaming in the snap of a finger.
Just, some of the behaviors you describe sound like they go well beyond the typical characteristics of OCD behavior. Specifically, your GF's inability to regulate her own emotions, her temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and instant flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

If your GF really does exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, this would not rule out her also having severe OCD. A recent study found that 24% of BPDers have co-occurring OCD (and 18% of OCD sufferers also exhibit full-blown BPD). See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join @Jersey born raised in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., perhaps avoid a toxic marriage or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Just.

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justsomeguypa
Meaning she's probably seeing someone else.

 

 

As far as not sure how to end it... my recommendation is to allow her to come home to you with all your stuff packed and loaded in a Uhaul, half your face is painted blue, and you're surfing Apartment Finders, but you act shocked because you haven't had time to properly dispose of the 14 crumpled sticky notes on the floor with "c-ya b*tch!" written in different fonts even if you did get one on the fridge. and on the bathroom mirror. and in the medicine cabinet. and in the cereal box....

 

 

But that's just my recommendation.

 

Wow seriously? So there are trolls even on this type of website?

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justsomeguypa
Just, some of the behaviors you describe sound like they go well beyond the typical characteristics of OCD behavior. Specifically, your GF's inability to regulate her own emotions, her temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and instant flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

If your GF really does exhibit strong and persistent BPD traits, this would not rule out her also having severe OCD. A recent study found that 24% of BPDers have co-occurring OCD (and 18% of OCD sufferers also exhibit full-blown BPD). See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join @Jersey born raised in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., perhaps avoid a toxic marriage or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Just.

 

THIS is the type of reply I appreciate :)

 

Thank you so much. She has been to numerous therapists over the years, but no mention of BP, but I don't rule it out. She does have severe OCD, that was onset from experiencing severe trauma. This also led to body dysmorphia.

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justsomeguypa

Thank you (almost) everyone for your replies.

 

She has been out of town visiting family so this has been good timing for me to simmer a bit. I decided I do need to end it when she gets back into town. Problem is we are supposed to drive to a wedding out of town end of this month together. But I guess I can't let it continue if I feel this way correct?

 

My main reasons I think I am going to end this. ALSO, WE ARE NOT MARRIED...

 

1) I just got my stress levels tested via cortisol, and they are very high for someone my age. I really don't have a lot of stress outside of being her quasi-therapist. So for my own health I likely need to step away.

 

2) The lack of sex is clearly something I don't want to live with my whole life. It is something I thought after therapy would change a bit, but her mind is too consumed with OCD to ever be in the mood.

 

3) I do feel like she is just a best friend at this point, the romance and super loving feeling isn't where it should be.

 

4) As someone mentioned she will have a hard time being a mother with her illness. Having a family is pretty important to me, so it makes sense to walk away as hard as it may be.

 

Planning on ripping the band-aid off Sunday. Wish me luck :(

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Good luck this Sunday. Breakups are never easy, especially when you care about the person, but are leaving for other reasons. However, you are making the right choice. I can't imagine being an OCD parent. Children are the most dirty, disorganized and random aspect in a parent's life. You cannot control them at all. I can only image it would drive a person who doesn't handle germs, schedules, routines insane. I have a very calm personality in stress. I work in a stressful environment and my supervisors comment that I am too calm about explosive situations. I also adapt very well to unexpected situations. For a person like my, having children made me feel crazy. Can't imagine what it would do to people who don't adapt to stress.

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Planning on ripping the band-aid off Sunday. Wish me luck :(

 

Sorry to hear, 5 years is a big investment.

 

I'd recommend starting off with the main point - "I'm leaving because..." - rather than trying to build up to it. It may go downhill fast...

 

Mr. Lucky

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She does have severe OCD, that was onset from experiencing severe trauma. This also led to body dysmorphia.
Just, the prevalence of BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) in patients having full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) has not yet been established. The studies done are few and based on small patient samples. The largest one I've seen is a 2008 study that compared 70 BPD in-patients against a group of 70 matched healthy controls. The purpose was to see if the prevalence of BDD is much higher in the BPD group. The study concluded that "The prevalence of BDD was 54.3% in the borderline sample." See 2008 BDD Study.

 

Three years earlier, most of those same researchers had done a preliminary study on the same subject using a smaller sample (i.e., comparison of 35 BPDer in-patients against 35 matched healthy controls). That preliminary study had concluded that "The lifetime prevalence of BDD was 80% in the borderline sample." See 2005 BDD Study.

 

I just got my stress levels tested via cortisol, and they are very high for someone my age.
If you really have been dating a BPDer for 5 years, "stressed" is exactly how you should be feeling. Indeed, a large share of the abused partners in BPD relationships start to feel like they may be going crazy. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

She has been to numerous therapists over the years, but no mention of [bPD], but I don't rule it out.
If she is a high functioning BPDer -- the vast majority of BPDers are HF -- it is unlikely her therapist would tell her about it. If you're interested, I discuss why it is common practice for therapists to withhold that information in my post at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

 

Hence, if you ever change your mind and decide to reconcile with her, I would strongly recommend that you see your own psychologist, i.e., one who has not treated or seen her. In that way, you will ensure that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. If BPD is involved, seeing your own psychologist gives you the best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

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Just, the prevalence of BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) in patients having full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) has not yet been established. The studies done are few and based on small patient samples. The largest one I've seen is a 2008 study that compared 70 BPD in-patients against a group of 70 matched healthy controls. The purpose was to see if the prevalence of BDD is much higher in the BPD group. The study concluded that "The prevalence of BDD was 54.3% in the borderline sample." See 2008 BDD Study.

 

Three years earlier, most of those same researchers had done a preliminary study on the same subject using a smaller sample (i.e., comparison of 35 BPDer in-patients against 35 matched healthy controls). That preliminary study had concluded that "The lifetime prevalence of BDD was 80% in the borderline sample." See 2005 BDD Study.

 

If you really have been dating a BPDer for 5 years, "stressed" is exactly how you should be feeling. Indeed, a large share of the abused partners in BPD relationships start to feel like they may be going crazy. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

If she is a high functioning BPDer -- the vast majority of BPDers are HF -- it is unlikely her therapist would tell her about it. If you're interested, I discuss why it is common practice for therapists to withhold that information in my post at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

 

Hence, if you ever change your mind and decide to reconcile with her, I would strongly recommend that you see your own psychologist, i.e., one who has not treated or seen her. In that way, you will ensure that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. If BPD is involved, seeing your own psychologist gives you the best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with.

 

I can't thank you enough for your detailed replies.

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justsomeguypa
How did "the talk" go?

 

Sorry for the delayed reply.

 

So to add to the story:

 

I actually just found out my cortisol (stress levels) are completely out of whack for my age, I also found out my cholesterol is in real bad shape. My doctor said with those two things combined, I am literally a heart attack waiting to happen.

 

I evaluated the stressors in my life, and really she is the major thing. I was already on the fence, but with the health issues now apparent I think it was a no brainer.

 

I spoke with her on the 10th when I got the stress results (before I got the cholesterol), and told her I really wasn't happy in the relationship the way things are. And that also really how stressful dealing with her OCD was. She asked if I wanted to break up, and I chickened out. I realized how much I cared about her.

 

Monday comes around and my doctor tells me my cholesterol results, and that I am literally a heart attack waiting to happen. And that was it. Met up with her Wednesday said I wanted to talk to her about what my doctor said. Told her about "heart attack waiting to happen", and that I really think I need to back out of this relationship. We spent two hours discussing things, balling our eyes out etc etc. Said we will discontinue talking, with exception to figuring out how to get each other our things (we didn't live together, but obviously there was stuff).

 

She texted me two days later telling me how incredibly hard it was for her, and that she wanted to talk when we exchange things, citing that "this is a mistake".

 

So I see her late Sunday (two days ago), and she tells me how we can fix this, we can go to relationship counseling, she will try harder etc etc. Saying that if we love each other, we owe it to each other to work on it. But I stayed firm. She was hysterical and told me that "I can't believe you are giving up on us".. Walked out and slammed the door.

 

Then received texts later that night to the effect of:

 

"You've hurt me tremendously"

 

"You told me I could lean on you with my OCD stuff, but clearly I shouldn't have"

 

"You broke my heart"

 

"I feel like I have completely wasted years of my life"

 

"I don't know how to say goodbye, or part with 5 years" <---- That one breaks my heart :(

 

Haven't heard from her since. I absolutely will miss her greatly, but mostly I just feel terrible that she is going to suffer so badly from this.

 

Maybe I did make some mistakes. Maybe I wasn't vocal enough about things that made me unhappy (she said she feels blindsided), but much of the time I just held it in to avoid arguments (which I guess isn't the right way). She most definitely was the alpha, and I just lived with small things that made me unhappy until they reached a breaking point. Although we did have a bit of a break in October when I told her I wasn't sure if I could do it anymore. I literally made a "pros & cons" list, and made it very clear to her the things that I wanted to see her work on. So to a point I don't feel bad bc of the events in October, but maybe I could have been more vocal more often.

 

Sorry for the novel, I guess I am just venting. I have never felt this sad in my life.

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So I see her late Sunday (two days ago), and she tells me how we can fix this, we can go to relationship counseling, she will try harder etc etc. Saying that if we love each other, we owe it to each other to work on it. But I stayed firm. She was hysterical and told me that "I can't believe you are giving up on us".. Walked out and slammed the door.

 

Her actions directly counter her statement. No one walks out and slams the door on someone they love and owe to work on it. Childish temper tantrum.

 

Her breadcrumbs are all narcissistic. Me me me. Nowhere does she say "how can I help you?" "What do you need?" "I'm sorry."

 

 

 

You're braver than you know to maintain NC. Good job. She can say goodbye to her pillows at night. Just think, you've already had 5 years experience with the terrible two's when you finally do have kids.

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justsomeguypa
Her actions directly counter her statement. No one walks out and slams the door on someone they love and owe to work on it. Childish temper tantrum.

 

Her breadcrumbs are all narcissistic. Me me me. Nowhere does she say "how can I help you?" "What do you need?" "I'm sorry."

 

 

 

You're braver than you know to maintain NC. Good job. She can say goodbye to her pillows at night. Just think, you've already had 5 years experience with the terrible two's when you finally do have kids.

 

Thank you for the reply. I did find it odd that she barely ever mentioned concern for my health during any of our talks. I would think when someone tells you they are LITERALLY a heart attack waiting to happen, that you would show a bit more empathy.

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But I stayed firm. She was hysterical and told me that "I can't believe you are giving up on us".. Walked out and slammed the door.
Just, thanks so much for returning to update us. I agree with Bummer that you did a "good job." You did well. VERY WELL, it seems to me.

 

I have never felt this sad in my life.
When walking out of a 5 year relationship, it is normal to feel sad no matter what issues your exGF has. Moreover, if she really does exhibit strong BPD traits, walking away likely will be extremely painful because you will feel like you're abandoning a helpless child who needs your protection. This feeling arises because BPDers typically have the emotional development of a 3- or 4-year-old.

 

If that immaturity is not readily apparent, it is because a BPDer has the knowledge, cunning, intelligence, and body strength of a full-grown adult. The childlike nature nonetheless will be exhibited in the BPDer's full reliance on the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children. These include, e.g., projection, denial, magical thinking, and black-white thinking.

 

These defenses also include temper tantrums, which likely explains Bummer's comment that your painful experience may lead to your being a better father because "you've already had 5 years experience with the terrible two's when you finally do have kids." BPDers are fully reliant on these childish ego defenses because they never had the opportunity to acquire the more mature ego defenses that the rest of us learned in childhood.

 

The childlike nature of BPDer adults is not all negative, however. It gives them a purity of expression and warmth that otherwise is seen only in young children. The result is that most high functioning BPDers are very easy to like -- or very easy to fall in love with. On top of that, they tend to project a vulnerability that makes them even more lovable. It therefore is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both were full-blown BPDers if their biographers are correct.

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One thing is certain. It is much less complicated to end a relationship where the splitting parties are not married. With kids and a mortgage on your dwelling and legal rights to portions of pensions among other complicating factors, divorce is messy.

 

Besides, splitting up now is cheaper. Or do you really want to pay lawyers to accomplish what you can do now essentially for free?

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