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Does he love our children?


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Hi,

 

I left my husband out one year now. I was with him for 11 years, married 6. After we had our kids he kid of lost it. He quit his job and gave me an ultimatum. He's friends convinced him to quit his job leave me and our kids and move out of state with them. So he did. Either I go with him or he leaves. I didn't believe he would ever leave me and the kids, but he did. A couple months after he left I decided I didn't want to be a single mom and I wanted to fight for our marriage, so I packed my babies and moved out of state with him. Our marriage was horrible. He put me down, demeanored me, he emotionally, spiritually, and mentally abused me. But the worst part is he never spent anytime with the kids. He was always with his friends or on the tv or phone. He never took them to the park, or any type of entertainment. It was always me and the kids doing absolutely everything together. Last year I had enough and headed home. He begged me to come back, he cried, blah blah blah. He told me he was staying out there and we agreed kids would come visit and spend summers and vacations. Well he got a girl friend back here and moved back. He was away from the kids for 8 months. He rarely called them, didn't support them Diana financially. He has been back and he filed for divorce. On there he put he only wanted to see our kids every other weekend, that's it. He again never called, he never asks a thing about their life, he doesn't sign them up for sports, doesn't ask about health, nothing. As soon as the state found out he was here they went after him for child support. I'm the court I found out he makes over seven thousand a month and not a cent has gone toward his kids. Now he filed asking for 50/50. In spent so much time not taking in the bad, forgiving, I didn't want a single new bad seed in me towards him. But as soon as I found out how much money he makes and that he could even buy the kids a new pair of shoes all the hate came on drastically. I couldn't help but cry for my sons. Any respect I had for him vanished. Now I have to face the fact that he wants more time with them so his child support can be lowered. He isn't a good father to them. He is very mean and harsh. Part of the reason why insect was because he spanked my kids a lot, I had enough and left.

 

Am I wrong for hating him? Am I wrong? Does he care for the kids?

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bathtub-row

First of all, what does him seeing the kids have to do with how much he pays in child support? If this is because of the 50/50 thing, then I've never heard of that. I hope you won't agree to it. If you can, get a lawyer to fight him, and have the lawyer get your ex to pay your legal fees. Or there may be a simple way to contest it. You should check into it.

 

And, btw, the worst thing he did was not ignoring the kids. The worst thing he did was abuse you. I hope you will never let him or any other man treat you in such a way ever again. This guy doesn't love anyone but himself. Why bother with such questions. If he's so shallow as to not love his own children, then it's his loss.

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Hi,

 

Thank you. I do have an attorney. Apparently the more time he gets with the kids the less he pays into child support.

 

I was asking because he still has a certain negative effect on me, to make me question myself.

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If he makes that much - go after alimony as well, and make him pay their health insurance, future college costs, and more - tell your attorney to go for blood.

 

He sounds like a F'ing lousy dad, horrible, selfish and more.

 

I never heard of 50/50 lowering support, and how the heck is he going to get 50% of his time with them? but if you really do think that's the ONLY reason why (to pay less) I would suggest (as I stated above) you have your attorney get very very very aggressive in seeking all the money you can get - go for it big time - and then offer to lower that big request if he will lower his time with the kids. Because he is going to mess them up when he has them.

 

In other words - "I want $3500 month but will settle for $1500 if you just give me full custody with only minor visitations".

 

You are right to hate him for hiding his money and not supporting or wanting to be with his kids.

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I understand why folks are talking to you about the divorce side of it, but I hadn't seen anyone address the 'does he love his kids?' question, so I will.

 

 

The answer is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how he feels about them, because they love him. He is their father, right? They will always love him, even if they are insanely angry with how he treats them. Just like they will always love you as their mother.

 

 

He does sound like a lousy father. But kids don't get a choice, and people can change. Will he? it sounds like it might take a while. But kids are probably the best ones to inspire that kind of change, so don't be surprised if it happens. In fact, if it does happen, then that's a really really great thing for them.

 

 

As far as whether you're wrong for hating him? I can't answer that question. It sounds like you abandoned him and then he abandoned you. Probably even a great history of stabbing each other than that. It could be that he's so angry at you that he hurts you the only way he can, through the kids.... it sucks. It sucks for you to deal with the fallout. It sucks for him to be so blinded by rage. It sucks the most for the kids.

 

 

I hope that no matter how much you hate him right now, that you can use the love you have for them to get past it to a place where you're focus is 100% their well-being.

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Him abusing you and the kids is wrong.

Be honest to your lawyer and see if he can get to see the kids with

supervision.

 

Be glad he if out of your life kind off. And work on your self esteem.

 

I dont believe this is all that did happen.

But either way as a parent why the hell cant you even bring 100$ a month at least to feed your kids?

Get all the cash you can and stuff from this divorce.

Not as revenge, but for the kids to have better life and because you know hes a wack dad.

So that even if he dont come true you still have something to live off and feed your kids.

 

They need their dad. But if he not good for them it only damage them. and it will make it harder if you dont tell the truth and judge say he should have them much more and stay with him.

So you have to be honest now so the judge can make the rigth decisions.

Let them know how he was with the kids (never around).

But you dont want to keep them away from seeing him .Talk first with your lawyer what is the best thing to do.

 

They need a father but in the right situation.

 

This man maybe have alot of childhood issues and inside problems

That he need to take care of before becoming a good dad.

I do think he love them, but maybe dont know or ever learned to deal with

kids the rigth way, maybe cause thats how his own childhood was??....

 

Its ok to be mad. but dont let it control your life and make decisions because you mad.

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BetheButterfly
Hi,

 

 

Am I wrong for hating him?

 

Hating people is wrong. Hating the sinful things they do is ok. As the saying goes, "Hate the sin, not the sinner."

 

Definitely he does wrong by not caring for the children.

 

Am I wrong? Does he care for the kids?

 

It doesn't sound like he cares for them. :( However, hating him is just poison to your own heart. Again, you can hate what he has done, yet not hate him. What he has done has consequences.

 

I do think you need to tell a judge about what he has done, and hopefully the judge will make a good decision. I am sorry for what you are suffering. Hugs :love:

 

Please do however take what he has done to the kids to court. I believe in forgiveness and consequences. Forgive him for your own healing, and justice for the welfare of your children.

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mumrebecca

Your story is so similar to mine that it is eerie. Money drives every decision my former husband makes for our children-visitation, clothes, etc. It is empty and meaningless, but it is heartbreaking to know that our children are not a priority to their dad. But you are right to forgive him. Your children are going to have to figure out their relationship with their dad eventually, but for now, I think you are wise to spend the energy that you want to use hating him on loving your kids instead. Show them that your love is not about money, but about genuine concern for their wellbeing. Finally, I encourage you to trust your instincts about visitation and give him only the amount of time that is best for your kids. It is so hard, but your kids are worth it!

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NTV ... I don't agree that she abandoned him. He decided to resign and move out of state.. that's a unilateral decision regardless of wife and kids. You never should have followed him ...He's a selfish immature man and has no idea what it takes to be a dad. No responsible father would do what he did.

 

It doesn't sound like he cares that much for them at all. If he has 50/50 custody then CS is reduced ... so his motivation is financial and not for the love or true desire to spend time with his children. That much is obvious. His lawyer would have advised him to go for joint custody for that reason.

 

You should tell your lawyer how little he's had to do with the kids and how he now only wants joint custody due to the finances. I'm sorry but he really is a poor example of a father......what exactly will he teach your sons about being a man. Sweet FA as we say in England.

 

I'd probably hate him too if I was you ... but I'd focus on looking after my kids and moving on to find a decent man to enjoy life with and who can be a better role model for them.

 

Your STBX is as useful as a knitted condom.

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