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stillyoung

BF and I have been dating about 3 years, talked about marriage a lot. I am a working single mom, he had no kids. Because of this most activities revolve around my house, there's always homework, afterschool activites, getting the kids to bed early, etc. He's very good with the kids and helps with everything, even housework. No problem there.

 

 

The issues we have seems to be when there is something he wants, if I can't deliver, he will get very upset and there will be a couple of hours of him ignoring me or pouting or just acting distant. I would call this passive aggressive. I try to tell him sometimes I just have too much on my mind and can't just sit around and watch tv with him or whatever.

 

 

For example, he attended a kids event with us. He wanted to chat but I was preoccupied with that, getting kid ready and to event on time. Then I was preparing for an interview the next day. Plus going back to work after that . Then that evening another kids' event to attend. In the car he tries again to tell me his story but at that moment I am trying to figure out which exit to take and it's hard for me to talk when I'm driving. So I end up going the wrong way. But too late, he is mad at me and gives me the cold shoulder for the next 2 1/2 hrs because I "ignored him for the last 24 hrs." That's sort of true, with two huge events, plus an interview on the inbetween day, I didn't have much time for chitchat. He said, you think your stuff is always more important than mine. I finally said bluntly, yes sometimes it is, on the days I have an interview that trumps all, for that 24 hrs. He really didn't like that.

But if the tables were turned, I would give him a ton of space to prepare, if that's what he wanted. It's not always even-steven, sometimes one person has more demands at one time. And yes I know it tilts my a lot more because of the kids.

But the issue is that if he has a problem, he will be angry or do the silence thing or the cooly distant thing.

 

 

Another example. Sometimes the kids are noisy at night and he has to get to bed. I won't be paying attention, then he will suddenly get up and say annoyed, I have to get to bed, you guys do whatever you want. then shuts the door. I say, are you upset or something, and he goes, can't you tell? You should know I have to get to bed. I say it's his responsibility to say something before he blows up. I can't always be aware of his sleep schedule or when he wants to watch TV or whatever.

 

 

I took the kids out for ice cream one night, said we'd be back right away. Kids wanted to stay and eat there, so we returned 1/2 hr later. He was very mad, said I did it to "get him back." Kids just wanted to stay there.

 

 

Or on a date night, he wanted me to meet at a certain time, I was late for that (getting the kids out of the house, getting them to the sitter), but on time for the restaurant reservations. He was so mad he wanted to cancel the whole thing. He said I should have known he had something else planned before the dinner.

 

Am I being a thoughtless GF? It seems we are constantly in fights because I ignored him, didn't respect him, whatever. I'm not a vindictive person at all, I'm just trying to get by, but he wants more time out of me, but when he just gets so mad that I don't spend the extra time with him, well I don't know how to handle that.

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Readandwrite

To describe it...

 

I think he feels left out and on the bottom of your priorites...and I understand- but you basically told him he was and that you find it hard to make time for him. I understand an interview us important...but would you be late for that interview like the dinner date. I think he's saying his time is important too. I know I don't like it when I have a date and s ok me one us really late...and I understand on the icecream thing...but a text is a simple thing to send

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bathtub-row

You seem to be wrapped up in your own little world, and he's like an afterthought. If you don't want the obligations that go with a relationship, then you should probably cut him loose.

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stillyoung
To describe it...

 

I think he feels left out and on the bottom of your priorites...and I understand- but you basically told him he was and that you find it hard to make time for him. I understand an interview us important...but would you be late for that interview like the dinner date. I think he's saying his time is important too. I know I don't like it when I have a date and s ok me one us really late...and I understand on the icecream thing...but a text is a simple thing to send

 

 

 

Well for that dinner date I wasn't late, I just wasn't early like he wanted because, see, I should have known that he would have planned something extra. How, I dont' know, but it was something he was mad about. So all the times that I am on time, all the weekends I get a sitter so we can have time to ourselves, all the times I took him to my family's get togethers, all this ends up "not counting" and instead the time I'm busy with an interview becomes, "you never spend time with me, you never listen to me,...."

Most times when I am not available he is not happy, he wants every single evening with me. He wants to be joined at the hip and he would actually agree with that. He absolutely does not understand the concept of having time to oneself, downtime, or alone time, etc.

 

Is it so horrible to need some time to do my own thing, once in a while? I dated people in college, we always understood when someone couldn't hang out they had an exam, it's that way in adult life too.

 

By the way, I spend every weekend with him and about two weeknights. We can spend a whole day from breakfast on, all together at a fair or something, then he will be upset if I want to websurf for a while in the evening or talk on the phone for an hour or so.

Maybe the issue isn't how to compromise on time so much as it is how he acts when it doesn't go his way. If I say, hey I'm too busy to talk to you right now, I think it's ok to tell me, well that's rude, or well it's really important right now, or when will you be available to talk. But not, cold shoulder and turn your back to me for the whole evening, plus sleeping on the sofa because you're mad. This lasted into the morning till he went in to work.

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stillyoung
You seem to be wrapped up in your own little world, and he's like an afterthought. If you don't want the obligations that go with a relationship, then you should probably cut him loose.

 

I tried to be fair and tried right from the start to say, this is how much time I have for dating, it won't be the same as with his first wife (no kids) where they were together and occupied with just each other every single day. I've said you have to see if you're happy with it, it's way different with small kids than 25 yrs of no kids. I kind of think he says he's oK with it, but then tries to change my behavior by saying the "nevers," you never spend time with me, we never go out, you're always on the phone (or websurfing, or spending time with the kids), I haven't seen you in 2 weeks, etc. It's hard then to have constructive arguments because my first impulse is to say, no we just saw each other 2 days ago, I was only on the phone 1/2 hr, etc. instead of discussing what's at the root of it.

 

 

It's interesting you said "obligations of the relationship." What do you think are reasonable obligations? Like how would you define it? If we could put a definition on it maybe we could have more constructive discussions. Maybe I think, leave me alone when I have an interview the next day, is reasonable but he thinks it's not. Maybe I think, when I'm driving 1.5 hrs across the city in rush hour on a week night plus getting the kids to their sitter, it's ok to not be early for dinner.

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lolablue17

He reminds me a little of myself when I was young. He is very sensitive, and he probably loves you very much and needs you. This is what he is, you can't change that. Over the years you can expect some moderation.

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His needs in the relationship aren't getting met. However instead of either accepting the situation or ending the relationship, he gets mad and sulks.

 

I think it's time for both of you to sit down and listen to what the other person needs. This isn't a time to defend each of your own needs, but rather listen to each other and see if you can find compromise. If you can't find compromise, then reconsider the relationship.

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Disillusioned_2011

Being a single mother myself, I would have no patience for this.

And it doesn't sound like you're making no room for him, hiring babysitters for date nights and such. It's probably the age, too, I mean he's young and inexperienced. But seriously, having 2 active kids to juggle and their extra-curricular activities, plus a full time job, plus the household etc. - he can't expect you're available 24/7. I don't doubt it that he loves you, though. But the pouting would tick me off to no end. You're just more mature than him I guess.

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bathtub-row
I tried to be fair and tried right from the start to say, this is how much time I have for dating, it won't be the same as with his first wife (no kids) where they were together and occupied with just each other every single day. I've said you have to see if you're happy with it, it's way different with small kids than 25 yrs of no kids. I kind of think he says he's oK with it, but then tries to change my behavior by saying the "nevers," you never spend time with me, we never go out, you're always on the phone (or websurfing, or spending time with the kids), I haven't seen you in 2 weeks, etc. It's hard then to have constructive arguments because my first impulse is to say, no we just saw each other 2 days ago, I was only on the phone 1/2 hr, etc. instead of discussing what's at the root of it.

 

 

It's interesting you said "obligations of the relationship." What do you think are reasonable obligations? Like how would you define it? If we could put a definition on it maybe we could have more constructive discussions. Maybe I think, leave me alone when I have an interview the next day, is reasonable but he thinks it's not. Maybe I think, when I'm driving 1.5 hrs across the city in rush hour on a week night plus getting the kids to their sitter, it's ok to not be early for dinner.

 

Maybe he's overly needy, then. It's really hard to say. I've been with men like that and they made me completely nuts. Obligations of a relationship means that they require a certain amount of your time, attention and energy. I actually stopped dating for several years after my last relationship ended. I'm very much the type that needs my space, and most men don't like that. I was also tired of introducing men in my son's life only to have things fall apart. Not that I dated that often but two failed relationships during my son's childhood was enough for me to call it quits. Whatever you decide to do, I don't think you and your current bf are well suited.

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stillyoung
His needs in the relationship aren't getting met. However instead of either accepting the situation or ending the relationship, he gets mad and sulks.

 

I think it's time for both of you to sit down and listen to what the other person needs. This isn't a time to defend each of your own needs, but rather listen to each other and see if you can find compromise. If you can't find compromise, then reconsider the relationship.

 

Well this has caused a bad pattern to start. He will pout and sulk, which then I'm supposed to go, oh no what's wrong? Then he won't really say, so I have to do more of that, pouring on the attention. Then it turns out he gets way more attention even though it's in the way of discussing a problem. It's like a kid deciding negative attention is better than none. I've tried to get us to have a neutral conversation and it seems we're on the same page, then a few days later this will happen again (pouting, etc.) I've tried to ignore it but he can way outlast me in the sulking department. So eventually I have to say, look what's wrong, spit it out. Yesterday it took three hours for him to finally talk, and it was, you ignored me for 24 hrs. (the interview issue mentioned in the first post.) I'm not sure how to get past this except do everything he wants, then he won't sulk.

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Lois_Griffin
You seem to be wrapped up in your own little world, and he's like an afterthought. If you don't want the obligations that go with a relationship, then you should probably cut him loose.

I second this.

 

You don't have time for a proper relationship. You're just basically squeezing this poor guy in when it's convenient for you.

 

Find someone who also has kids and won't be constantly thrown onto the back burner. This poor guy is getting the short end of the stick in every possible way.

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How old is he? If he had been marred for 25 years to his first wife then he must be say 45+ I guess.

Yes, he may be feeling left out as I guess he had his wife's undivided full attention, but I think he is too old for pouting and sulking. He knew you were a mother when you started dating, so it is not as if he was blind-sided.

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Readandwrite

Well...obviously sulking is silly and childish.

 

I'd say...hey...how bout we go away for the weekend...no kids. Get your family to babysit?

 

I'd try and do that for him twice a year?

 

Hths

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stillyoung
I second this.

 

You don't have time for a proper relationship. You're just basically squeezing this poor guy in when it's convenient for you.

 

Find someone who also has kids and won't be constantly thrown onto the back burner. This poor guy is getting the short end of the stick in every possible way.

 

Ok, I have to ask again, as I asked with the first poster, what is "every possible way?" So if I never did anything with him, never cooked for him, never went anywhere with him, never talked on the phone to him, never went to his relatives for holidays, never traveled with him, etc. I'd understand. Also "constantly" thrown on the back burner. This is exactly why he and I have issues communicating, he will tell me I "never" get together with him, "never" have time for him, etc. then I have a hard time discussing it because the things I did do are discounted

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ChickiePops

He's not getting his needs met (partially your fault and partially his fault) and he's throwing tantrums and behaving like a child because of it.

 

It sounds like you guys are just incompatible..he needs someone who has the spare time and energy to devote more attention to him than the average person needs. Some people are more dependent than others. And you need someone more independent who has a life of his own.

 

Though to be fair to him, it really does sound like you should slow down a bit. Do the kids ever go to their fathers house?

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stillyoung
Well...obviously sulking is silly and childish.

 

I'd say...hey...how bout we go away for the weekend...no kids. Get your family to babysit?

 

I'd try and do that for him twice a year?

 

Hths

 

We do that every time the kids are at their dad's. He also travels with me to take the kids there and we have a weekend or week vacation out of it. Easily it's more than twice a year.

 

How do you get a grown up to learn that the retaliation and sulking etc. is not an effective way to communicate. All the little cracks and sarcastic remarks and cold shoulders are like death by a thousand paper cuts or whatever. He does say that he does that to "make a point." I'm like the only point that is made is that I feel like crap and don't want him around. I don't want to have one of those constant squabbling type of relationships, been there done that in high school. I can see the point that I could try to make more time for him, but no one wants to feel manipulated into doing that, I'd rather do it because I freely decide I want to do it for him to make him happy, not because he strongarms me into it.

 

For example, I gladly cook for him whenever he is over. He is always appreciative, but also he never demands it or expects it. I can't do it always, but I do it whenever I can, and he enjoys it, I enjoy making him happy, but he doesn't complain if I can't. Why can't the attention thing be the same way.

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How do you get a grown up to learn that the retaliation and sulking etc. is not an effective way to communicate.

I'm like the only point that is made is that I feel like crap and don't want him around.

 

OP, have you outright told him this? My BF of almost 6yrs doesn't live w me, but would pull the silent treatment crap on the few occasions when he wasn't happy about something. I put up with it or worked around it for 5 yrs but back in January, after 2 days of no communication (reading my txts but not responding, refusing to answer my calls & disabling his voicemail), I sent a txt saying pretty much, "this shyte stops here, I'm not a child, you're not a child, ante up the money you owe me & buddy, you are on your own because I am NOT going to be treated like this again. You either open your mouth & talk to me like a grown man does, or stew on your own forever. I love you but I deserve better than this behavior." And I showed up on his front porch with my hand out for the money. That pretty much did it...I get that some men have a hard time even recognizing their feelings, much less verbalizing them, but he has put some real effort into communicating when he feels upset by something I've said, done or not done, and I make sure to acknowledge that effort and thank him for it. When someone can show you that they value the relationship enough to work with you on things instead of burrowing away hoping time will cure it, well, that's something worth sticking around for.

 

I'd lay it all out there with this guy and then watch for signs that he's TRYING to communicate when you sense something may be bugging him. And don't buy the MickeyMouse crap that a guy his age can't develop healthy communication skills...my BF is 63.

 

Good luck!

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Actually I've been with the guy who wants to be joined at the hip and I can tell you that is not healthy. That level of neediness is not healthy. My ex would alternate between giving me the silent treatment and outright raging at me whenever he felt like I was ignoring him. He sapped my energy, my happiness and over time he turned me into a woman I couldn't stand.

 

Whenever I got tied up anywhere, be it unexpected traffic, stuck on a call at work, or whatever, I would get stressed out and tied up in knots knowing he was going to be pissed. And I'm not talking about being late for plans we had made, I'm talking about him timing everything I did. Once I said I was running to the store and while I was at the store I ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years so of course we chatted for a bit. My ex was furious when I got home, interrogating me as to why it took me 30 min to do something that should have only taken 15 min. Accused me of lying about where I was going and said I was just trying to upset him or avoid spending time with him. It was ridiculous.

 

Maybe I am misreading your situation but the story you told about taking your kids out and then coming home to find him having a big pout because you were out longer than you initially intended just makes me suspect that this guy is too needy and too demanding of your time. He can't expect your undivided attention while you running around getting kids ready for events. If it was important for him that you hear his story and that he have 100% of your focus while he told it then he should have picked a time when you could give him that.

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How old and how many are the kids?

 

I know it is much work and you have your responsibility with your kids.

But the way you speak sounds like you have 10 kids under 4 years to take care of yourself. And not even have time to go to the toilet 7 days a week ,24/7.

 

You choose to be with a guy, but you not seem much into take care also of his needs.

Like give him attention or respect his needs or time. Or try to or plan to.

 

If you cant now, at least give him a time that you can.

ANd make sure you put the kids to bed on time so you can be there for him.

And its ok to tell the kids some times that mommy is not busy and will take care of it later. Or mommy is now talking to "John" go play.

Its not like you have to stop every activity all the time that the kids ask your attention. You should be able to see what is really important when while managing your time with both at times.

 

Reading your story i think you not into relationship now. Your mind is more in your kids and finding a job. Witch is good, but dont drag people along with you and waste their time.

Maybe its better to break it off and focus just on what you are into now.

Because the way this is it can end up in something bigger and a hate thing between him and the kids.

 

And leave the marriage plans. Because marriage wont make this better.

Maybe when the kids are way older you can date. And you are more interested in making and spending time with someone.

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stillyoung
Actually I've been with the guy who wants to be joined at the hip and I can tell you that is not healthy. That level of neediness is not healthy. My ex would alternate between giving me the silent treatment and outright raging at me whenever he felt like I was ignoring him. He sapped my energy, my happiness and over time he turned me into a woman I couldn't stand.

 

Whenever I got tied up anywhere, be it unexpected traffic, stuck on a call at work, or whatever, I would get stressed out and tied up in knots knowing he was going to be pissed. And I'm not talking about being late for plans we had made, I'm talking about him timing everything I did. Once I said I was running to the store and while I was at the store I ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen in years so of course we chatted for a bit. My ex was furious when I got home, interrogating me as to why it took me 30 min to do something that should have only taken 15 min. Accused me of lying about where I was going and said I was just trying to upset him or avoid spending time with him. It was ridiculous.

 

.

 

This seems the closest to how I see it. In the time I took the kids for ice cream, I wasn't accused of lying but he did get mad and say I was doing it in retaliation, and I could have texted at least. All we did is stay 1/2 hour longer. I mean, I'm an adult, I know how to drive, the place is 1 mile away. Is that really something to worry about? Or was it rude not to text him? Then I'd be checking in constantly because I will never predict accurately how long post office line, the drive to work, pick up dry cleaning, etc. will take.

 

 

It seems replies here are strongly divided between, I don't give him enough attention and he is too needy. He says he loves how successful and independent and what a caring parent I am, but then he doesn't seem to want to understand that to do those things, it takes time away from doting on him.

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stillyoung
How old and how many are the kids?

 

I know it is much work and you have your responsibility with your kids.

But the way you speak sounds like you have 10 kids under 4 years to take care of yourself. And not even have time to go to the toilet 7 days a week ,24/7.

 

...

Reading your story i think you not into relationship now. Your mind is more in your kids and finding a job. Witch is good, but dont drag people along with you and waste their time.

 

And leave the marriage plans. Because marriage wont make this better.

Maybe when the kids are way older you can date. And you are more interested in making and spending time with someone.

 

 

I have two grade school age kids. No relatives live in the area and dad is out of state so I do have them every single evening and weekend (except occasional babysitter).

I'm not sure how you got that I was so busy 24/7. I said during a very busy 24 hrs time frame I had no time for him, too much going on, can we discuss it later. And he got furious with me over that and gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the evening and overnight. In our recent discussion he said that was justified because I was so rude to him.

 

Interesting point to add, he is the one pushing strongly for marriage. He kind of lives here but I am scared of him giving up his house until we try to solve these things. . If he isn't getting needs met, then figure out a way to tell me (not strong arm me into doing what he wants.) And if he isn't happy, don't pout or sulk for hours on end, it just makes everyone uncomfortable. Somehow I can't get this across to him (or he doesn't agree).

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That's sort of true, with two huge events, plus an interview on the inbetween day, I didn't have much time for chitchat.

 

The issues we have seems to be when there is something he wants, if I can't deliver, he will get very upset and there will be a couple of hours of him ignoring me or pouting or just acting distant. I would call this passive aggressive.

 

I think these are two separate issues and should be treated as such. Your stressed tendency to over-focus on things ("huge" kid's events?) is just as quirky as his pedantic and childish pouting.

 

Plenty of room to meet in the middle if you're BOTH willing to work on things...

 

Mr. Lucky

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stillyoung
I think these are two separate issues and should be treated as such. Your stressed tendency to over-focus on things ("huge" kid's events?) is just as quirky as his pedantic and childish pouting.

 

Plenty of room to meet in the middle if you're BOTH willing to work on things...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

OK, I'm not being sarcastic, but how? For real? I say yes I can try to spend more time with you, but when I actually do (like the date night described at the top) I got the kids settled for overnight, reservations in place,etc. but I didn't get there early enough for him and it all fell apart. Or once he is mad I try to repair it and say, ok let's try to drive up to nearby city for the night, he's already not in the mood for it and seems to rather sulk instead. And I get, well you never want to do that, why all of a sudden now? You know, like I missed the opportunity. So it's really hard for me to "make up" for something. So what do I do?

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OK, I'm not being sarcastic, but how?

 

Fix your end, own your part of it. Not only is that all you can do but it puts you in a better place to evaluate the relationship as a whole.

 

His behavior may be a dealbreaker for you, I know it certainly would get tiresome quickly for me. Have you thought about what would happen were he unable to change?

 

Mr. Lucky

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hestheone66

He wants to be taken care of like one of your children. I had an ex Like this for 12 years. Needy behaviour is a turn off. I hate the sulking. It is 4 year old stuff. You end up doing things to appease and not from a place of genuine wanting to, because you're guilted into it.

As a mom he's tapping into your maternal guilt. Eventually your sex life will suffer as the attraction will be gone. I don't think you guys are compatible. Have an adult discussion saying you will only allow him to be in relationship if open communication is the norm.

 

For what it's worth it doesn't sound like you love him..that's OK, but don't string him along

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