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Can love survive commitment?


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jonsnowredux_76

I know... odd question, right?

Well, I was talking to my bf of 2 years... we've been very lucky as in our relationship has been amazing... without any real issue. We get along, we have great sex, we see eye to eye and we are really good together. He has 2 boys that i was introduced a full year into he relationship so we both new that this was not insignificant... that too has gone really well, we 4 really love each other and there are, so far, no issues.

 

Now we don't live together, but we see each other 4-6 days a week on average, leaning more toward the higher figure... and bf and I are both divorced.

 

So... my question... we were talking a few nights ago about living together... it's a huge deal in both our minds due to the kids. It would mean a really big commitment... and as I see it, amazing and I am on board... as is he... however, his fear? What if we move in together and it all falls to ****? Everyone ends up broken hearted? He sites his marriage as having that happened and she was the only person he has ever lived with. I pointed this out to him! ;)

My marriage broke up too but that was the first living arrangement that I've had with a partner that truly, truly sucked. All the rest, even though the relationships weren't meant to last, were good, healthy, and I truly enjoyed myself. In a good relationship, I find that it's easier for me to run about and do my thing as I also know i live with my partner... we will see each other and get to talk and get to plan things and have sex and all that great stuff... I see it as a positive...

 

I can't make my bf feel something nor can I change his mind... I feel he'll get to where he's comfortable but I don't think that love and commitment need to entail the demise of fun and spark; joy and passion... I think you can still have those things within commitment.

What say all you fine folk?

:D

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renaissancewoman

Do you ever think that maybe you have been living in a bubble? I'm always wary when people say that their relationship has no issues. To me it's sign of a relationship that has not been tested. You gain strength in the challenges. You find out the strength of your love for someone when you've been beaten up by life a bit and you still find that being with that person is worth it. You discover your mettle when you've been through a purifying inferno for a bit.

 

So your question, can love survive commitment? I ask you, how can you have love without commitment? The fun and the joy and the spark, they are ever more powerful when you are truly committed to the one you love. My husband and I, we don't have a perfect life. We've had our struggles, but we both can attest that our saddest moments together are better than our happiest moments apart. Because we genuinely want to share our lives and build it together. If you truly love someone, any fear of "things falling apart" pales in comparison to the fear of not being together.

Edited by renaissancewoman
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jonsnowredux_76

Well, bubble as it may be, it is my bubble... I don't disagree with you, btw...

I suppose what I'm saying is that the difficulties we've experienced have not caused us to walk away or question our loyalty to one other. There are things. But this is a community of strangers and not everything needs to be divulged. Not to mention, I'd rather not out myself by giving away very telling details! ; ()

Also? As a person, I've been beaten by life plenty... I look forward to struggling through hard times with my partner...

 

I was being a little tongue in cheek... but yes, I agree with you... I feel like I would like to say that to my partner... I think part of the whole love thing is based on taking the chance to commit and therefore committing. He hasn't been clear as to what exactly feel apart in his first marriage,but I do feel like part of love, real love, is committing. Biting the bullet. And doing it and seeing where you go from there. I like how you put it. It makes sense to me.

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renaissancewoman

OP, first I apologize if my first response sounded judgy. I actually didn't mean for it to seem like that, but in rereading I can see how it could be taken as snarky. I was just pointing out that the general sense I got is that you and your bf are apprehensive about going to the next step because you're afraid that what you have will somehow deteriorate after you actually begin to add the normal ins and outs of actually living under one roof and the day-to-day mundane details that come with that.

 

And when I say beaten up by life, I mean have you been beaten up by life TOGETHER. It's good that you said that you were looking forward to going through struggles with your partner together. I think I was reading in your original post a general reluctance to withstand struggles. I really took it as a sort of lukewarm attitude and lack of resilience. I mean what if everything does turn to s**t? Are you strong enough in your relationship that you will be committed to go through it together? I guess that's all I was trying to get at. Because frankly s**t happens. It is inevitable. You can't hold off on taking your relationship to the next level out of fear for it not working out. The attitude should be, I love this person more than anything and no matter happens I will do everything in my power to make it work because the alternative is scarier.

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jonsnowredux_76

Ha! It's okay, we're all strangers on the internet... it behooves us to be a little bit judge-y! But yeah, I agree with you...I am in that state, I would go through all the B.S. with him and he me... Life is a crapshoot at times...

I couldn't agree more... I do love this person more than anything and no matter what I will do whatever it takes to keep it rolling with him and the boys.

 

I appreciate your response... I do... I am very good at putting myself in others shoes... I put myself in his shoes and I see and FEEL his apprehension about involving the boys in something that may hurt them. I'm also an optimist and I think, they won't get hurt by us disbanding because we won't... .

But... regardless, you have to let people come to their own conclusions about things... I see him getting there and, I do... and I don't feel unsupported in anyway.

: )

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renaissancewoman

I wish you and your bf the very best moving forward. I can certainly understand the worry of potentially putting children in a situation that could turn out badly. But I am also an optimist and I think that what you said about how you won't disband is exactly how I approach it. Sometimes, you just have to close the door on that possibility and never look back.

 

As far as your partner, I would just encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. Lots of affirming your commitment and showing him that you're in it for the long haul. Hopefully he will come to the same point you're at and you can build a life and family together. But at some point, we all have to take a leap of faith.

Edited by renaissancewoman
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hestheone66

I know how you feel.

 

My bf and I are likely been cut from same cloth. We both feel that the routine of domesticity would inevitably lessen passion as distance builds anticipation. We are happily into our fourth year. I think when were in our 60s then maybe it would make sense.

He has a daughter and although I have met her twice. Children must always come first and I know that in a previous relationship where my ex ended up getting irrationally jealous of time I spent with children (even his own)/ it's natural to want the security of a long term partnership but living together kills romance (not love). There's a good book called Mating in Captivity.

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renaissancewoman
I know how you feel.

 

My bf and I are likely been cut from same cloth. We both feel that the routine of domesticity would inevitably lessen passion as distance builds anticipation. We are happily into our fourth year. I think when were in our 60s then maybe it would make sense.

He has a daughter and although I have met her twice. Children must always come first and I know that in a previous relationship where my ex ended up getting irrationally jealous of time I spent with children (even his own)/ it's natural to want the security of a long term partnership but living together kills romance (not love). There's a good book called Mating in Captivity.

 

I just have to say that romance doesn't have to die when people move in together. It only dies if you let it. I say this as someone who has lived in the fog of constant busyness, raising kids, stuck in rut routines, and now has found a renewed sense of romance with my DH. You just can't allow yourself to get too comfortable to the point that you take each other for granted. You still have to engage in the activities that made you fall in love with the person to begin with to keep that romance alive. I mean, let's think about it. When we date, we spend a little extra time getting ready for the other person, we are kinder and aren't quick to criticize, hopefully. It seems to change once we reach a level of comfort with someone and we forget to treat them with the same level of care as we did when we were just trying to get to know them. Because we take for granted that they will always be there and our filters go away.

 

So romance is like brushing your teeth. You don't just brush your teeth once and think you're good. You have to continually brush your teeth to keep them healthy and white. Same thing with romance. You can't just be romantic when you're dating and stop once you get married or move in. You have to keep those loving actions going in order to keep your love alive and healthy.

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