Jump to content

Lying by omission


Recommended Posts

renaissancewoman

I've been thinking a lot about this, especially lately. I think it would be pretty safe to say that we've all withheld something at some point in our relationships in order to spare feelings or avoid conflict. Regardless of whether it's innocent or not, they can certainly make things worse than they really are because it just breeds distrust and create doubt.

 

Personally, I know I have done this to my husband. In the past, if there was ever a time that he was suspecting of someone being attracted to me at work (and it happens a lot that he just thinks everyone is somehow wanting to bed me) I really try and avoid talking about that person or even mentioning if I went out to lunch with him in a group setting. I will tell him about lunch but will not say that so and so was there too. It's not because I ever feel attracted to that person nor do I ever think about going outside of my marriage for anything, but I just don't want to deal with the reaction that comes from my husband if I even mention that person at all. I'm not saying it's okay, I'm just saying it happens and I'm sure it happens a lot with other relationships.

 

My question is do you think that we also create an atmosphere where it's difficult for people to tell us the truth? I don't want to take responsibility away from the liar (everyone needs to be accountable) but if it's authentic and open communication we're after, don't we also have a responsibility to create a safe environment in which people feel that they won't get the third degree about what it is they will share with us?

 

I've thought about this in the context of parenting and relationships in general. My sisters often lie to me about their life choices (I'm a decade older and they are still in their wild 20s) and I can see why they would find it easier to just avoid the lectures and just lie about their boyfriends, parties, smoking, etc. whatever it might be. I often think about it in terms of my kids. I don't want them to feel like they can't come to me if they are facing a problem that might hold big consequences for them. So what is it do I need to do as a parent to foster honest communication? And how does this also hold true for our marriages and relationships in general?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Absolutely. This is how the breakdown of communication begins in every relationship. It's, "I (you) do not trust your (his) reaction, so I will avoid it because it's easier." The path of least resistance is not unique to water.

 

But this stems from his distrust of you.

 

You need to find out why he does not trust you. It's more than likely an insecurity he has. He must work on that for communication to improve.

 

Trust is the focal point of reconciliation. Both must work to impove. This starts with communication.

Edited by OneLov
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I only know one marriage where the couple is so close they share everything - including all their thoughts and feelings about anything.

 

In your case - can you be more specific on "everyone wants to bed me" - I mean if someone at work was openly and clearly asking you to have sex - making a constant effort - yes there is a line where you need to open up to your husband. However if its just you "kinda" know someone has the hots for you - maybe you do keep that to yourself.;)

 

To me I kinda of have to ask the question - is what is happening - actions or strong words (by me - someone else) being really disrespectful or my marriage or my spouse? Then maybe its time to fess up.

 

My wife (early in our relationship) did hide a TON of disrespectful and awful stuff form me - including a major emotional affair with a MM. Lie of omission was all she did about everything.

 

As for kids - that's a different issue. With ours we really try hard to let them know they can say anything to us. One thing I try is to let my daughter understand the unconditional love I have her - and that she can share weird or bad stuff with me - and I might disprove but I wont punish if she is honest. I had this with my late father - I used to call it "put the bucket of **** on the table and deal with it" . He is the only person I could do this with completely - and I miss that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue

No relationship is perfect and mistakes are made..as a parent i feel i learn right along with my kids...i have five and i will say i feel i matured along with them...and parenting si a hard slog...lasts a lifetime

 

 

 

i do believe some omission in what you share with your kids is necessary...kids need to stay kids as long as they possibly can.....when they ask me something about something i am not comfortable sharing....i will say ...i am not comfortable talking about that and by this i mean something related to me and nothing ever related to them..when they say to me mum i cant tell you right now i will tell you bu tnto right now....i take that at face value and let them know i am there when they are ready to talk...and so far....i believe they tell me a lot......

 

 

 

 

as far as a partner goes..transparency is always the best way...saves heartache from both sides or a breakdown in communication....but in that....no one person can expect another to be perfect....and part of progress is also learning by what we do wrong ......not only to know how it affects us...but also how our wrongs affect our loved another...

 

personally maybe you need to discuss how you feel and what you have written here with your husband..you would probably not feel so conflicted then..omission is a silent weight you shoulder yourself....after a while even the slightest weight.....trebles into something you cant carry by yourself anymore.....transparency is a much lighter load...good luck...deb

Link to post
Share on other sites

Discretion is a critical part of communication. I don't think it's wise or desirable to tell everything we think or do. Everything that happens to us.

 

Discretion only becomes lying by omission when you leave out a part of a story with the intent to deceive.

 

If you have husband who is falsely accusing you of cheating when you are not cheating, then leaving out some details of your day is keeping peace in your relationship. Not lying.

 

Open communication requires trust and respect without judgment. Most of us don't have that completely in any relationship. Therefore, it's necessary to watch what we say and how we say it.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

It all depends on the motivation behind the deed.

 

If you had coffee with your co-worker because you were thirsty, out of town and needed a coffee then full transparency may not be required.

Who cares? No harm, no foul.

 

However if having coffee was more of a date, the co worker is "hot" and the sexual frissance played out later in a hotel room, then saying nothing about it IS lying by omission.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
renaissancewoman

This is a long post, so I will bold my questions. I initiated this thread really to start a dialogue about how we can all play a role in the breakdown of communication and gain some insight on how we can better build more authentic relationships.

 

I'm setting aside lies by omission that would come from betrayal like affairs in this thread. That's entirely different because I believe there is intent to deceive and these situations involve premeditated or calculated acts of deception. For this purpose, I really wanted to take a closer look at situations where there is no intent to deceive, like the scenario I described with my co-workers. The situations where you purposely leave certain details out for the sole purpose of "keeping the peace."

 

But this stems from his distrust of you.

 

You need to find out why he does not trust you. It's more than likely an insecurity he has. He must work on that for communication to improve.

In your case - can you be more specific on "everyone wants to bed me" - I mean if someone at work was openly and clearly asking you to have sex - making a constant effort - yes there is a line where you need to open up to your husband. However if its just you "kinda" know someone has the hots for you - maybe you do keep that to yourself.;)

 

OneLov and Dichotomy: I don't think this particular example is a reflection of distrust of me by my DH, but rather a general distrust of other men's intentions. It is part insecurity on his part, but also I think part him thinking that any man would be stupid to not be attracted to me. I don't know if that makes sense. Like if you loved someone and thought the world of them, to you, it's such a no-brainer to be attracted to them that you naturally think that everyone else is too. Does that make sense? So no, I've never been propositioned by anyone at work, but I do think that my DH has picked up on attraction from other men at company parties and gatherings (I think he's off-base, but that's beside the point). Whenever he says anything, I either tell him I don't notice (because I don't) or I don't care because I am not attracted to that person. Regardless, when I sense that my DH doesn't particularly like the idea of me spending any extra time (e.g. lunches) with someone, I just don't do it alone or don't tell him if they were part of a group of us that went out.

 

To me I kinda of have to ask the question - is what is happening - actions or strong words (by me - someone else) being really disrespectful or my marriage or my spouse? Then maybe its time to fess up.

 

My wife (early in our relationship) did hide a TON of disrespectful and awful stuff form me - including a major emotional affair with a MM. Lie of omission was all she did about everything.

 

So you really bring up a good point here about disrespect. Would you consider it a sign of disrespect if someone chooses to do something that they know their partner would not be happy about, but you feel is not a big deal and is not really harmful? For example, let's just say I have a co-worker named Bob. My DH believes Bob has feelings for me. I couldn't care less if he does because I don't have feelings for Bob. For me, going out to lunch with Bob (either alone or in a group) is not a big deal, but I know it would bother my DH so would my going to lunch mean that I'm disrespecting my DH or our M?

 

I know I said I wanted to leave affairs out of it, but let's put this into another context with my DH's OW that he insists was "just a friend". I believe it very well started off as a friendship and most likely stayed that way. My DH thought, "Here is this mom who has kids the same age as our children. It is totally acceptable to go to the park after the bus drops off the kids. But wait, she happens to be "my type" and I know my DW would probably accuse me of being attracted to her, I should just avoid the conflict and not say anything about this mom." But do you see how it's such a slippery slope? I don't believe that my DH had any intention of having an EA, but it very well could have turned into that. At the very least, he was definitely attracted to her. I'm a secure enough woman to know that my DH finds other women attractive and it doesn't bother me because most likely, I find them attractive too. It's just stating the obvious. I just knew he was attracted to her, which completely different and something he had never done in all our years before is even so much as look at another woman or flirt with anyone. This is why their interaction caught my attention, something in it was different that the rest. So which came first? His attraction which led to lies of omission or the lies of omission and as he got to know her, the attraction? I don't know, probably a little bit of both. So with him, I can see how one lie of omission leads to another and then another and then another. And before you know it, you have a closer relationship with someone that your wife has no clue about and even if you wanted to tell her about this "friend", now you're far more familiar than just a neighborhood mom from the bus stop and how would you even dial it back? What's that introduction going to look like? "Hey honey, have you met so-and-so? Remember that time I said I took the kids to the park? She was there and we've been texting each other, etc." Um, no bueno. So was DH simply practicing discretion as MidKnightDreams refers to it, and trying to keep the peace which obviously blew up in our face because it grew into more?

 

So now there's this whole mess that probably could have been avoided had there been a certain level of trust that the whole truth wouldn't lead to judgement or conflict. When you prove that you will react poorly or overreact, you erode that trust that someone can tell you the full truth. That's how I feel about my DH with my co-workers, so I can see how he felt that way about me with his OW/"friend". (Ugh. I hate having to write that.)

 

Moving forward, how do we make the people we love feel safe and trust that they can share things with us without fearing a negative reaction? This is not just for our spouses. This is all our relationships. Because I have truly been considering this with regard to how I parent.

 

I think I've already demonstrated how lies of omission could start innocently and lead to more harmful things. I mean, one need only read the OW/OM and infidelity forums to see just how easy things get out of hand. So what's the litmus test? If we are to practice discretion, how do we keep it from going to far and crossing the line into deception? How do we know which details are okay to leave out and make sure that it doesn't turn into something that will bite us down the road?

Link to post
Share on other sites

>>Would you consider it a sign of disrespect if someone chooses to do something that they know their partner would not be happy about, but you feel is not a big deal and is not really harmful? For example, let's just say I have a co-worker named Bob. My DH believes Bob has feelings for me. I couldn't care less if he does because I don't have feelings for Bob. For me, going out to lunch with Bob (either alone or in a group) is not a big deal, but I know it would bother my DH so would my going to lunch mean that I'm disrespecting my DH or our M?<<

 

With reference to the question in bold, it comes down to compatibility. I think that both parties should agree to disagree. If they cannot accept the thing which the other party does, then it's a sign of basic incompatibility and perhaps a relationship should not be continued.

 

Though the thing with Bob at work is different. Hubby thinks that Bob has a crush. While the wife may not care whether or not Bob has a crush, the fact remains that Bob might actually have a crush. If this is the case, it would be a mistake for her to go out with him alone. It would just add fuel to Bob's fire - and even if the wife doesn't intend for anything to happen, at the very least it's unfair to lead Bob on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Both parties need to be discreet.

 

In this case, the husband needs to be aware he's bringing negativity into his relationship without evidence of any wrongdoing. He doesn't need to say everything on his mind because he may be harming his relationship unnecessarily.

 

In communication, what we don't say is just as important as what we say. That's why listening is so important, but, more than that, a total awareness of the dynamics surrounding the conversation. Being thoughtful. Conscientious in our communication and relationship building.

 

Great communication requires effort - from both parties.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The problem with ANY kind of lie, is that once it is uncovered, a little bit of faith leaves the R. You may say, i didnt tell you because of xyz, but your SO will now know that you are capable of thinking that way. It may become a part of YOUR relationship. How is that a good thing?

 

So the real question is.

 

Is it worth it? Are the lies of omission worth omitting one drop of faith?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
HopeForTomorrow
Regardless of whether it's innocent or not, they can certainly make things worse than they really are because it just breeds distrust and creates doubt.

 

I think, as some people said earlier on the thread, that affairs should definitely not be a secret or an omitted lie. That should not come into play into this type of conversation.

 

I have learned the hard way that lies of omission in a relationship do result in distrust. Like you, I did that once, and what I learned was that it just ended in more distrust and it spiraled from there. Not a good scenario. If it results in the person that you love thinking/feeling differently, then it is manipulation of that person and that is WRONG.

 

OP I wish you the best, and this is a lot of great stuff to think about.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

What you are describing is a form of conflict-avoidance.

 

If a husband responds with irrational jealousy at the thought of his wife interacting in a professional and innocuous way with a man, then the problem is with the reaction, not the interaction. Hiding the interaction to avoid the reaction is . . . conflict-avoidance.

 

Personally, I would just address it. "Can you try to get to the root of why you are feeling this way? I don't want to have to hide things from you. I know that just starts a vicious cycle. How do you think it makes me feel that you think everyone wants to bed me and that you seem to think I'll lack the boundaries or judgment to stop that from happening?"

 

I don't think spouses need to share every single little thing. I dreamed about my high school boyfriend last night; I didn't make any conscious choices to think about him so I don't see the point in sharing it. But I do think that avoiding conflict and lying by omission causes fractures that can become bigger with time. Every affair starts this way. I know you didn't want this discussion to be about affairs but I think they are connected. You don't get a secret lover out of the blue -- you fall down a slippery slope of obfuscation and half-truths.

 

I believe in virtuous cycles. Absolutely I want to create an environment where my loved ones feel they will be understood and supported when they are truthful with me. But if they are making bad choices, then the fear that they will face disappointment and judgment is not an excuse to keep hiding a secret. "I didn't tell you the truth because you react so horribly . . ." Well, maybe so. But I still choose honesty. That's who I am, no matter how others act. Now, if I am in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship with someone who reacts inappropriately to innocuous statements, the solution is to end or fix the relationship, not to become a liar.

 

I don't believe the example of hiding interactions with a colleague falls under the "discretion" that others have cited. I think that applies to things like not saying, "Yes, that shirt looks horrible on you." I think that hiding a relationship from your spouse with someone of the opposite sex is not an appropriate choice. If your spouse has irrational jealousy, then that should be addressed with therapy, not lies.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP - I had things like what you described with your coworker while married. My XH was VERY jealous and he constantly accused me of having affairs at work. In that relationship I got less and less open as I was afraid to start even more conflict at home.

 

In my later relationships I have been on the fence about how much to share. It's not that I have a problem sharing but I really don't have a good read as to how much information is too much/too little.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not affair related but lies of omission were a major issues in my previous marriage. My ex was a conflict avoider so would gloss over things so he didn't have to deal with my reaction. This only exacerbated the issue because I would figure out he had withheld information as well as my reaction to the original issue.

 

He had every right to tell me that it wasn't up for debate, to stand by his decision and to deal with the reaction. But he would choose to hide it. Okay, now I am finding out after the fact which is going to add more drama to the situation. He also had the right to address any issues with my reaction and onus of irrational reaction. If I was not handling it appropriately then I am responsible for that and in the wrong. But if you negate it by lying, then you are mudding the waters significantly.

 

I do not do well and detest conflict avoiding. Have it out and be upfront.

 

So my current marriage, I make a consorted effort to not lie (first off) and to not tell lies of omission (and ask the same of him). Sure, I am going to debate it but he is a strongest enough personality to handle it. And, at times, tell me it isn't up for debate.

Link to post
Share on other sites

RW,

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear, I believe his reaction is due to a general mistrust of other men. But his irrational reaction/behavior results in a communication of distrust of you. It's a passive-aggressive communication of distrust. Like, "it's not you I'm worried about; it's them." Since they can't do anything to you unless you allow it, the result of the communication is you cannot ultimately be trusted. And that is simply not fair to you. Actually, he's also depriving himself of intimacy by creating a climate that encourages withholding of information instead of sharing.

 

So what is the reason for his irrational lack of trust in those examples you gave? I could not say for certain because I do not know him and would only be able to speculate. But one common reason people have irrational, situational trust issues is because they are not able to trust themselves in similar situations. In other words, he may not trust that you would shutdown any advances from a third-party because he doesn't trust his own abilities to do so in a similar situation.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I've been thinking a lot about this, especially lately. I think it would be pretty safe to say that we've all withheld something at some point in our relationships in order to spare feelings or avoid conflict. Regardless of whether it's innocent or not, they can certainly make things worse than they really are because it just breeds distrust and create doubt.

 

Yeah, part of the journey through adult life is understanding timing and tailoring communication to the style of one's partner. Along with that is informed judgment of what is and is not crucial to the relationship from one's partner's perspective as well as one's own.

 

Personally, I know I have done this to my husband. In the past, if there was ever a time that he was suspecting of someone being attracted to me at work (and it happens a lot that he just thinks everyone is somehow wanting to bed me) I really try and avoid talking about that person or even mentioning if I went out to lunch with him in a group setting.
IMO, those instances are excellent opportunities to discuss boundaries and listen rather than delving into specifics.
I will tell him about lunch but will not say that so and so was there too. It's not because I ever feel attracted to that person nor do I ever think about going outside of my marriage for anything, but I just don't want to deal with the reaction that comes from my husband if I even mention that person at all.
Fear can be a potent motivator. IMO, it's a canary when one fears the reaction of one's partner to everyday events. If so, the team isn't each partner's safe haven. He fears your participation in infidelity and you fear disclosing your activities which are otherwise unremarkable and innocent. Two fearful people do not make for a healthy relationships. You're each responsible for your own fears and how you address them.
I'm not saying it's okay, I'm just saying it happens and I'm sure it happens a lot with other relationships.
You have choices and therein lies your power. What choices are healthy for your relationship?

 

My question is do you think that we also create an atmosphere where it's difficult for people to tell us the truth? I don't want to take responsibility away from the liar (everyone needs to be accountable) but if it's authentic and open communication we're after, don't we also have a responsibility to create a safe environment in which people feel that they won't get the third degree about what it is they will share with us?
Sure, if a person fears for their life or safety or emotional well-being, unilaterally forcing such an environment upon them could make it very difficult to interact in any way which fostered a potential threat realization. Open-ended questions like 'why?' can help mitigate such events but, if no joy, why stick around? Continued propagation of fear of transparency is tantamount to abuse.

 

I've thought about this in the context of parenting and relationships in general. My sisters often lie to me about their life choices (I'm a decade older and they are still in their wild 20s) and I can see why they would find it easier to just avoid the lectures and just lie about their boyfriends, parties, smoking, etc. whatever it might be. I often think about it in terms of my kids. I don't want them to feel like they can't come to me if they are facing a problem that might hold big consequences for them. So what is it do I need to do as a parent to foster honest communication? And how does this also hold true for our marriages and relationships in general?
Why would they want to be with someone who lectures them? From personal experience, it's externals acting upon internal triggers that keep them in the milieu where, with any other interaction, they'd not lie and, rather, disengage.

 

Fostering open communication does not negate consequences, rather provides a pathway of transparency to the entire process of interaction. My social role-models promoted honesty by rewarding it, even if there were consequences for negative actions or anti-social behavior. Overall, the feel was 'we're in this together and we'll get through it together and, yes, we all make mistakes and exercise poor judgement at times and it has consequences and they are dealt with and we move on.

 

Hence, and my exW could back me up since she was there, the single most agonizing lie I ever told to a loved one was the story I gave to my mom so she'd voluntarily sign herself into a locked psychiatric facility. The guilt over that lie was horrible even though I knew it was best for her health and safety. I had to learn a lot about lying as a caregiver. Hated it.

 

IMO, work out your H's fears over your fidelity and move on, or divorce. No sense in living lies and walking on eggshells. Life is too short. That's my .02 as an older guy who's seen a bit. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
renaissancewoman

I really appreciate all your insights and perspectives! The general idea that I'm gathering from this thread is that we need to continually cultivate and build trust. Trust in ourselves and trust in each other. We do that by being vulnerable and sharing our insecurities with each other and working through them together. We need to share the truth, in love, even if it may be hurtful or if it may cause issues, but we must also be able to RECEIVE the truth, in love and not be judgemental or accusing or negative. This really goes for all our relationships (parenting, friendships, familial, etc).

 

With regard to my H and me, we had a recently had a shakeup in our marriage, which was really what caused me to start thinking about this. We are working on our communication. It's interesting though that I knew of his insecurities, and really avoided ever going out to lunch alone with "Bob" so my conflict avoidance was really just not doing something that would cause conflict. Group lunches, I did go on, but when I say lunch, I mean go grab take out and bring it back to the office and eat at your desks. But he was the one that ended up engaging in slippery situations by carrying on a secret friendship with another woman. So I do believe that his insecurities are a bit of a projection of his own nature. I once heard that most people project their motivations on other people.

 

Anyway, we are better with each other. I think all this has really made us more open to each other in a way that we have that security that we can share something and not be met with negativity because we just have a greater sense of security in each other and where we stand. We have total transparency when it comes to our other relationships and interactions outside of our home.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
renaissancewoman

So I was talking with another coworker yesterday. He's an older gentleman, old enough to be my father. And we just spoke about another lady in our office who has given her 2 weeks and is moving on to a new company that's closer to where she lives. So they have been transitioning clients and introducing him as their contact moving forward. He mentioned that the other day they went to meet with a client and she said she would meet him there. And he asked if she wasn't going to go back to office and that's why they would need separate cars. She explained that she and her husband (she's a young newlywed) have an agreement that they wouldn't ride in a car with people of the opposite sex unless there was a third-party present also.

 

It kind of made me think, wow, on one hand that seems rather sensible especially after everything I've read on LS these past few weeks. But on the other hand, there's just something that seems rather off about it, like there isn't full trust in the relationship. What do you guys think? Would you ever enter into this kind of agreement with your SO or spouse?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would not. Intimacy requires trust. That behavior supports irrational fear and promotes distrust of your partner. Irrational fear is what leads to communication breakdowns. Communication breakdowns cause loss of emotional intimacy (which could lead to physical intimacy) and further distrust.

 

Fear is the easiest way to snuff out love.

 

Regarding the specific example, maybe one of them did something to earn the distrust of the partner? In that case, maybe they are working on building trust. Or maybe he's just one of those guys that make her face the wall when they go out to a restaurant? I'm guessing the latter. In that case, she has my sympathy as she'll never experience true intimacy.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

It kind of made me think, wow, on one hand that seems rather sensible especially after everything I've read on LS these past few weeks. But on the other hand, there's just something that seems rather off about it, like there isn't full trust in the relationship. What do you guys think? Would you ever enter into this kind of agreement with your SO or spouse?

 

sure! particularly since it has little to do with trusting one another and more to do about the safety.

 

A third party would be witness should any comments or actions occur that could jeopardize the job.

 

A male co worker of mine made it directly clear that he would not chaueffer the female sales reps around as he did not want the liability or rumours that go on in such an environment. Best way to thwart any gossip is to not get into one.

 

Sometimes agreements are to protect the couple not to divide them.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
ShatteredLady

Good point Tayla. I'd completely forgotten... At work we had a very litigious young lady who proved difficult to remove. A couple of guys in closed offices would ask me to step-in (like the male docs when a woman needs to undress) when they had to talk to her.

 

Good point.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
renaissancewoman
sure! particularly since it has little to do with trusting one another and more to do about the safety.

 

A third party would be witness should any comments or actions occur that could jeopardize the job.

 

A male co worker of mine made it directly clear that he would not chaueffer the female sales reps around as he did not want the liability or rumours that go on in such an environment. Best way to thwart any gossip is to not get into one.

 

Sometimes agreements are to protect the couple not to divide them.

 

You bring up a great point that I didn't even consider. I've been so focused on the topic of infidelity that the safety aspect never even dawned on me. Thank you for offering a different perspective.

 

OneLov, this couple is a very young and very conservative Christian couple. Both of their parents are pastors and both are heavily involved in their church. They didn't live together until they were married and from all indications, did not even have sex until they were married. So I don't think they have this agreement out of distrust from past indiscretions, but rather they are just safeguarding their relationship from any possibility of temptation.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Good point about the sexual harassment aspect. I agree that having a third party would be wise from a legal POV.

 

I guess I should add it's not that I think its a bad idea to implement a rule like that, but I personally would want to trust my partner to exercise discretion in those situation rather than agree to an absolute prohibition. For me, it just sets a negative tone that could do more harm than good. But I also believe you cannot affair-proof a marriage/relationship. If someone wants to make the choice to stepout, he/she will regardless of the agreement.

 

BUT if it works for them, who cares what I think; they should do whatever they feel is best for them. I think it's more important they find an agreement that makes them better individually and better for each other. For me though, I would prefer the presumption is I can trust my partner to use discretion.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

So I do believe that his insecurities are a bit of a projection of his own nature. I once heard that most people project their motivations on other people.

 

Not all the time, and not all people do this. I am not saying your husband was not doing this, but not everyone will project their motivations onto others.

 

Anyway, we are better with each other. I think all this has really made us more open to each other in a way that we have that security that we can share something and not be met with negativity because we just have a greater sense of security in each other and where we stand. We have total transparency when it comes to our other relationships and interactions outside of our home.

 

I feel that my relationship with my wife is also better, following my affair. She claims she feels the same.

 

As for lying by omission. I never had to do that because my wife never asked where I was or what I did in my free time.

 

We were living somewhat separate lives.

 

I also told my wife about the affair after breaking off with the FOW because typically the wife will eventually find out from someone else. Therefore I did not initially lie to her about anything.

 

IMO, however, a lot of men lie to the wife, after an affair because they are trying to prevent inflicting too much pain on her.

 

She explained that she and her husband (she's a young newlywed) have an agreement that they wouldn't ride in a car with people of the opposite sex unless there was a third-party present also.

 

It kind of made me think, wow, on one hand that seems rather sensible especially after everything I've read on LS these past few weeks. But on the other hand, there's just something that seems rather off about it, like there isn't full trust in the relationship. What do you guys think? Would you ever enter into this kind of agreement with your SO or spouse?

 

My wife and I now have this type of agreement. IMO, it is more important than ever because of the sudden upswing in infidelity in the last ten years. Google it.

 

Also, more women than ever are open to affairs and worse, they are pushing for an affair.

 

This has changed from say 20 years ago, when it was rare for a woman to push a man for an affair.

 

There were still women who did it, but it was far less socially acceptable than it is today.

 

Twenty years ago a woman might be ostracized by her friends if she were out looking for an affair with a married man, but today, the women egg each other on, and brag about their affairs.

 

Lastly, mate poaching is on the upswing, too. You can also google that.

 

It's a different world and affairs have become much more socially acceptable.

 

Marriage counselors used to encourage spouses to give each other space, now they are discouraging couples form allowing boy's or girl's nights out because they see it is backfiring.

 

My parents never went out to a bar alone without each other. So, the boy's and girl's night out thing was a social experiment that seems to have failed, and only led to more infidelity, IMO and by my observation and experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...