constantly unhappy wife

[Mindfunked]

Hello people !!

 

Sorry for this long story but some inputs and thoughts will really help healing!!

 

My life sort of seems like it's drifting towards the wrong side since I am getting into constant unwanted scuffle with my wife

A small brief on both of us

Well we both are 28 years and married since the past 2 years also we shared a 10 year courtship period right after school and also are our first and only!!

Yes we did have some diffrence in opinions and thoughts but I guess that's a must in every healthy relationship.

I come from a decent middle class family raised by parents who worked hard throughout my childhood and never deprived me of anything that I wanted however that only came when they thought the time was right to provide and not when I wanted it looking back now I regard their action right as they never pampered me in the wrong way.

My wife comes from a rich and affluent family where since childhood and even now at times all her demands are met and in fact of our marriage her parents still buy her gifts and present ( i don't mind).

She knew about my family's financial situation we had a stable and humble finial situation as I mentioned earlier also we both are only children of our respective family.

Now when we dated she never had any problems with my financial situation as well as my family,also she was always calm composed,happy ,jolly, very very supportive and understanding beyond thoughts.Infact she's the one who has nurtured our childhood romance into marriage and I like the fact!

 

However since past 1.5 years almost after our marriage things seems to flip

Now all of sudden from a soft spoken sweetheart she's become rude and aggressive, constantly cribbing and low in life, likes to pick up fights and arguments even I try and avoid she will keep coming back.

 

Well I hope this list of her behavior puts more light on the situation.

 

 

1) called me a laborer in a taunting manner because my nature of job is hard work honestly my work is my passion I worship it, don't mind called a laborer it's better than a thief or a murderer

2)she doesn't seems to like my mother ( we live separate) she says my mother has emotionally tortured her before our marriage by asking her to wear a certain ritualistic attire and follow certain rituals during our wedding ceremony , asked her to have kids( was casual talk).

3) She also complained about a diamond bangle and gold neckless set my mother gifted her on our wedding day saying very rudely that she only gave her one bangle and not a set also the diamonds are so small ( it wasn't a casual chat) if it was a casual one I won't have bothered at all she said that and she meant that,also said that the gold set was small and used( my moms never used it though) and said" I don't even wear gold I only wear diamonds" isn't that too rude and unwanted thought?

4) she said I should have though about her lifestyle before trying to fit her in my family ( I believe every human is free and no one should ever be forced to fit into a family or even be forced anything upon) my parents do not interfere in our life still she brings it on.

5) it was love at first sight for her and she regretted that God the moment she said that I got a feeling of " it's all over"

6) she's rude and loud at times with drastic change in behavior with no time or warning although I have confronted her on this she always denies.

 

I will love to live a happy fruitful life and am more than happy with what I have and have complete faith on my potential rest is destiny, all I want is a equal partner,joyful,full of life, appreciate life in all forms, confident nothing much.

We have gone out on nature trips ( I like them) had food in small humble eateries and so on yet things somewhat seems to bounce back like a boomerang.

All I can hope is that we come out of this situation and live happily together, life's to short to argue and fight, however if this continues I will not be able to sustain into the relationship.

Still positive but time seems to be running out and situation seems to worsen.

 

Please post your thoughts.

 

Thanks

[veryhappy]

Can you share your cultural background? It might make a difference in responses.

 

 

 

 

I think your wife grew up entitled, and she realized you are not going to pave the streets with gold for her. The criticism of the jewelry your mother gave her is very petty. She seems very superficial and very eager to keep a certain lifestyle you may not be able to offer her.

 

 

I recommend you discuss a budget, and limit her frills to a certain amount. I doubt that will go over well, but it's the only way for you to not end up broke.

 

 

 

 

She might also expect presents from you, ask her explicitly what she wants.

[elaine567]

I think she is unhappy for some reason and the daggers thrown at you, your financial status and your mother's jewellery may be easy targets she has chosen to hit to cause maximum hurt, rather than the real problem.

 

She's 28,

Does she feel life has passed her by maybe?

Does she have any friends?

Is she lonely?

Is she bored?

Does she want children?

Does she feel trapped?

Is she regretting the marriage?

Are you meeting her needs?

You need to start talking to her seriously and find out what the real issue is here..

[central]

Is she working? How much does she earn in comparison? If she wants more stuff, let her make the money to buy it. If she can't or won't, then she needs to change her attitude about material things, or end the marriage. Life is too short to live the rest of it with someone who is unhappy and ungrateful.

[Mindfunked]

Can you share your cultural background? It might make a difference in responses.

 

I think your wife grew up entitled, and she realized you are not going to pave the streets with gold for her. The criticism of the jewelry your mother gave her is very petty. She seems very superficial and very eager to keep a certain lifestyle you may not be able to offer her.

 

I recommend you discuss a budget, and limit her frills to a certain amount. I doubt that will go over well, but it's the only way for you to not end up broke.

 

Well we both are Indians and we reside in a very cosmopolitan city both of ur have 15 plus year of education.

 

Yes she seems to get paranoid just with the thought of not being able to maintain her lifestyle no doubt she seems to take efforts to adapt time and again but some how the rudeness and bad attitude comes out of no where.

[stillafool]

Tell her to get a job and buy whatever she wants as long as she pays her half of the bills. Tell her to give you back your moms present back since she thinks it isn't good enough for her. Stop being so nice to this one or she will walk all over you. Frankly, I would just walk away.

[SammySammy]

One good thing about marriage is - if you work together - you can improve your financial status. Berating you doesn't help though. Maybe you two can make a plan to get the financial level she desires and work together to get there.

[BetheButterfly]

Well we both are 28 years and married since the past 2 years also we shared a 10 year courtship period right after school and also are our first and only!!

 

Wow!

Yes we did have some diffrence in opinions and thoughts but I guess that's a must in every healthy relationship.

True!

I come from a decent middle class family raised by parents who worked hard throughout my childhood and never deprived me of anything that I wanted however that only came when they thought the time was right to provide and not when I wanted it looking back now I regard their action right as they never pampered me in the wrong way.

My wife comes from a rich and affluent family where since childhood and even now at times all her demands are met and in fact of our marriage her parents still buy her gifts and present ( i don't mind).

Uh-oh. I'm beginning to understand why your wife is unhappy...

 

She knew about my family's financial situation we had a stable and humble finial situation as I mentioned earlier also we both are only children of our respective family.

Now when we dated she never had any problems with my financial situation as well as my family,also she was always calm composed,happy ,jolly, very very supportive and understanding beyond thoughts.Infact she's the one who has nurtured our childhood romance into marriage and I like the fact!

It's one thing to know about it; it's another to live it, hmm? Many people who grew up in a lavish lifestyle don't truly understand what it's like to be poor or even middle class. They haven't walked a mile in their shoes, as the saying goes.

 

However since past 1.5 years almost after our marriage things seems to flip

Now all of sudden from a soft spoken sweetheart she's become rude and aggressive, constantly cribbing and low in life, likes to pick up fights and arguments even I try and avoid she will keep coming back.

I'm so sorry.

 

Well I hope this list of her behavior puts more light on the situation.

 

1) called me a laborer in a taunting manner because my nature of job is hard work honestly my work is my passion I worship it,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a laborer. My husband is too. And, I would never taunt him for it. His labor helps him maintain his excellent physique and his knowledge due to his labor helps him in practical ways that help us in our daily lives.

 

don't mind called a laborer it's better than a thief or a murderer

Interestingly, there are some (not most or all) rich people, like in the mafia, who are both thieves and murderers. Being rich doesn't always equal making $ in a moral way.

 

 

2)she doesn't seems to like my mother ( we live separate) she says my mother has emotionally tortured her before our marriage by asking her to wear a certain ritualistic attire and follow certain rituals during our wedding ceremony , asked her to have kids( was casual talk).

I'm sorry. Does she not like your Mom's culture?

 

I wish I knew my hubby's Mom. She died years before I met my hubby.

 

 

3) She also complained about a diamond bangle and gold neckless set my mother gifted her on our wedding day saying very rudely that she only gave her one bangle and not a set also the diamonds are so small ( it wasn't a casual chat) if it was a casual one I won't have bothered at all she said that and she meant that,also said that the gold set was small and used( my moms never used it though) and said" I don't even wear gold I only wear diamonds" isn't that too rude and unwanted thought?

It's amazing how some rich people can get so caught up in expensive things whereas a sweet poor girl will give a pretty yet not expensive ring to a stranger.

 

I think it's ungratefulness to complain about gifts. I remember the time a very sweet poor Mexican girl gave me a ring because I made the mistake of telling her it is pretty. I won't ever forget her generosity. though I'm ashamed to say I lost the ring.

 

The only rings I haven't lost are my wedding ring and engagement ring. My hubby gave me both; one is the wedding ring that his Dad used to wear. The other he bought at a Christian bookstore, which was not very expensive but it's priceless to me - because he bought it for me.

 

4) she said I should have though about her lifestyle before trying to fit her in my family ( I believe every human is free and no one should ever be forced to fit into a family or even be forced anything upon) my parents do not interfere in our life still she brings it on.

5) it was love at first sight for her and she regretted that God the moment she said that I got a feeling of " it's all over"

6) she's rude and loud at times with drastic change in behavior with no time or warning although I have confronted her on this she always denies.

I'm so sorry.

 

I will love to live a happy fruitful life and am more than happy with what I have and have complete faith on my potential rest is destiny, all I want is a equal partner,joyful,full of life, appreciate life in all forms, confident nothing much.

We have gone out on nature trips ( I like them) had food in small humble eateries and so on yet things somewhat seems to bounce back like a boomerang.

Completely understandable!

 

All I can hope is that we come out of this situation and live happily together, life's to short to argue and fight, however if this continues I will not be able to sustain into the relationship.

Still positive but time seems to be running out and situation seems to worsen.

 

Please post your thoughts.

Well, she has to decide to love you more than a lavish lifestyle. It's really as simple as that. Y'all can definitely be happy together if she chooses to see her life with you as a blessing. If she chooses to put riches over you, that's not your fault. It's her decision. Hopefully, she chooses you over riches. Blessings.

[salparadise]

Well we both are Indians and we reside in a very cosmopolitan city both of ur have 15 plus year of education.

 

Yes she seems to get paranoid just with the thought of not being able to maintain her lifestyle no doubt she seems to take efforts to adapt time and again but some how the rudeness and bad attitude comes out of no where.

 

I think she's been spoiled for starters, and has a significant attitude of entitlement. Blaming you is the way she avoids taking any responsibility for her life or her attitude. It's immature and ungracious. I'm guessing that she has not yet suffered any serous loss in her life. Joy and suffering are two sides of the same coin; you can't have one without the other... and if you've been sheltered in a certain way from any suffering, it probably precludes the ability to experience joy in a meaningful way.

 

She dated you for 10 years. How can she rationally say you should have thought about her lifestyle before trying to fit her in your family? She should have thought about the same thing in reverse.

 

Her expectations and ingratitude have turned into resentment. You can't thrive in such a situation. She needs individual therapy and the two of you need couples counseling. That's the only chance you have, imho. And it's certainly no guarantee.

 

I know this won't be how you feel, but logically speaking I'd consider just asking her if she wants you to set her free, and if so tell her she's free to go. That will at least take the trapped and victimized argument off the table and maybe help her to realize what's important. If not, well, I don't think you can force her to become gracious and humble through therapy or any other means.

 

What I'm saying is that removing the pushback will force her to reevaluate and change in some way. It might not be the way you'd choose, but her projecting all of her stuff onto you only works as long as you're pushing back. If you quite doing that she will have to make some choices on her own.

[renaissancewoman]

Have you ever read the book Love and Respect? I highly suggest it for both of you. It's about how women need love and men need respect.

 

Your wife sounds an awful lot like me, or at least how my husband would probably describe me. Any of the stresses we had were rooted in our finances. The thing is, I don't come from an affluent background. I don't even come from an upper middle class background. But my husband's job is very much tied to the state of our finances and the life that we live. It is a feast or famine and often I feel like I'm in a constant roller coaster. Even when times are comfortable, we are constantly in preparation mode for times of drought. It's incredibly stressful, like you can't ever truly have a sense of security. Anyway, this has all led to a bitterness that made me speak disrespectfully towards him, about his work, about my job and disdain for it, the constant feeling like we aren't going anywhere in life, like we just keep spinning our tires in the mud.

 

I don't know what has caused your wife to become so bitter, but I do highly suspect that it is your finances, which is a major factor in any marriage. Her bitterness causes a lot of disrespect towards you and that is incredibly unfair. If she cared for you and for your marriage, she would be willing to look into herself and see the changes she needs to make and her responsibility as a wife to treat you like her king. If she saw you as her king, she wouldn't speak to you in such a disrespectful way.

 

Likewise, I don't know how you treat her. I don't know how you love on her. Do you treat her like your queen? Have you looked into 5 love languages? Another thing that made me pretty bitter is that I wasn't receiving love the way I needed to receive it. I'm a physical touch person. My husband was not. He is a gift giver and acts of service. So my husband would buy things or do things for me (wash dishes, wash the car, cook me breakfast) and while I appreciated it, it didn't speak love to me. Not in the same way as when he reaches for my hand. He didn't understand this. So are you showing love and affection to your wife in the manner in which she UNDERSTANDS love? You may think you're loving on her, but she may not be understand it that way, which then makes her seem ungrateful to you, and you feel disrespected. You see how this cycle could go on?

[renaissancewoman]

Sorry I think I prematurely posted the one before.

[Mindfunked]

I think she is unhappy for some reason and the daggers thrown at you, your financial status and your mother's jewellery may be easy targets she has chosen to hit to cause maximum hurt, rather than the real problem

You need to start talking to her seriously and find out what the real issue is here..

 

Perhaps you are right, that's what I keep wondering how can such a soft spoken(even my friends used to appreciate her soft spokeness) flip on her behavioral pattern.

 

Does she feel life has passed her by maybe?

Yes at times the way she speaks it seems like she has dissintrest towards life although we are at a very good position in our respective life's.

 

Does she have any friends?

Well nothing like a best friend or anything that sort of but yes a few casual friends at work and so on.

 

Is she lonely?

As far as I can think Sadly YES!! I am at work most of the times end up working late also as she's not much into socializing ends up alone at the house.

 

Is she bored?

Well not until recently, now she goes to the Gym after work brings home her office work so it's quite hard to say, also we try and go for a small vacation or a break once in 3-4 months.

 

Does she want children?

No we both are 28 now she says she doesn't want any kids for next 3 years.

 

Does she feel trapped?

 

Well that's hard to figure out at times it seems but my thoughts my not be accurate quite hard to figure out, I have never done anything for her to feel like that Infact I will appreciate if she lives her life out!!

 

 

Is she regretting the marriage?

Now That's a million dollar question hard to say yes at times she herself seems so resented on being married although she was the one who pushed the cards to get into marriage I was the one who wanted some more time out.

 

Are you meeting her needs?

 

Needs can be defined in countless ways quite hard to gauge however will try my best to define it.

 

Basic needs: yes of course we go out for drinks/ out dining once a week or at least once in 10 days, provide her 20-25 % of my monthly income for her expenses, although that's not sufficient to meet needs end for her I guess.

 

Emotional/Mental: I guess I am not that type of man who find ladies talk( gossip, stories,shopping list and it goes on interesting although I make a effort to contribute prefer talks and thoughts of a deeper level which involves more intelligence and matter so I will have to say I am unsure.

 

Physical: Most of the time I am the initiator when it comes to sex that's also once in 10 days maybe my sex drive is quite high and will love to have sex almost every day, I try to cuddle her hug her talk filthy like how couples do but most of the time it's of no point, and when she get irritated and rude the sex drive goes down the slope and the thought of having sex is washed out, so it's hard to say on this one.

 

Again it's just thought of mine not too sure what races in her mind in this regards.

[Satu]

Not enough money to sustain her preferred lifestyle?

 

Let her work to fund it.

 

That's what ( almost) everybody else does.

 

She seems very childish, to be honest...

[BetheButterfly]

Have you ever read the book Love and Respect? I highly suggest it for both of you. It's about how women need love and men need respect.

 

Women also need respect and men need love too, but yeah, it's an awesome book! It was mandatory reading for the premarital course my hubby and I took before we tied the knot!

 

It helped me understand his point of view and helped him understand mine!

 

OP, It might not hurt to check that book out from a library and read it, and leave the book out for your wife to read. Hopefully she will be curious and read it!

[Mindfunked]

Is she working? How much does she earn in comparison? If she wants more stuff, let her make the money to buy it. If she can't or won't, then she needs to change her attitude about material things, or end the marriage. Life is too short to live the rest of it with someone who is unhappy and ungrateful.

 

Yes she is working,frankly speaking I am not at all interested in her salary also I didn't bother to ask her until she mentioned a while back its not revelent to me how much she earns as her salary is saved and we don't spend that.

 

Yes life's really short and it's a nightmare if I come close to the end of live the way it is now we have lots to do and the bad vibes are easily passed by making every one feel sorrow and misery day in day out.

In the end not worth it.

[renaissancewoman]

Women also need respect and men need love too, but yeah, it's an awesome book! It was mandatory reading for the premarital course my hubby and I took before we tied the knot!

 

I completely agree! We all need both. I think what was eye opening for me is that we naturally speak and respond to things differently. Women are more receptive to love while men are more receptive to respect. I think we all can a agree that out of love comes respect and vice versa. I know that I could tell my hisband I love him until I'm blue in the face but it's like he doesn't HEAR me, but when I tell him how much I appreciate everything he does for our family and I tell him I respect all the sacrifices he makes for us, he is much more receptive and in turn is much more loving.

[cc_zero]

It sounds to me that your wife grew up daddys little girl and got everything she wanted. As a result she grew up with a high level of narcissism and is now struggling with the idea that life isn't a bag of candy she can dig through at will.

 

You are probably walking on eggshells, attempting to avoid the conflict she starts, shutting down and simply agreeing to end confrontation as quickly as possible. Possibly even re-enforcing her behavior by bringing her flowers or trying to do nice things when she is in particularly bad moods.

 

I highly suggest reading the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy". You have to stop re-enforcing unwanted behavior and avoiding conflict. It only makes you look like a push over that is not to be respected.

 

If your marriage is already a nightmare, it will either help greatly or end it and put you in a better place.

 

Good luck to you, I feel for everyone in these types of situations where the person you love has turned you into a punching bag.

[Miss Peach]

I have worked with a lot of Indian men who have wives that don't work. So that is what I'm picturing. On top of that I've noticed a lot of showing off in that culture so I get the sense that lack of being able to show off does color what is happening to your wife. How well off are the the other families you socialize with? Also did you always want to be in the field you are now? If it's been 10 years I would assume she knew this would be your life and you knew each other better than a lot of Indian people I've met who married people they knew briefly or family acquaintances.

 

It could be stemming from jealousy over what some of them have. I've noticed a lot of Indians like to show off when they get expensive things. Every party, wedding, etc. I've been to I've seen this. At least in the circles I've worked with who came to the US. I wonder if she feels like you two aren't good enough compared to these other people?

 

After 10 years I really doubt it's really what these fights are at the root of the problem. I think MC might be a good help for you two to get to the root of the REAL problem.

[Miss Peach]

Is she regretting the marriage?

Now That's a million dollar question hard to say yes at times she herself seems so resented on being married although she was the one who pushed the cards to get into marriage I was the one who wanted some more time out.

 

You posted this response while I was still writing mine. Did she feel pressure to marry? I've noticed in Indian families there is a lot of pressure to marry. Could she have felt the push from friends or family while dating?

[Phoenician]

sorry to hear that you are going through this ...

 

are you giving the same level of support and services ?

 

does she contribute in house responsibilities knowing that at least she is not financially ?

[Mindfunked]

are you giving the same level of support and services ?

 

does she contribute in house responsibilities knowing that at least she is not financially ?

 

Hi

When it come to helping around in the house ( maintainence, grocery, bills follow up) I would say I fall behind and have to get better in that area, it's my work pattern And busy schedule which makes it even more difficult.

 

Yes she completely looks after the responsibilities In and around our house, I didn't mention she doesn't contributes to our house financially she too plays a big part, it's just her rude behavior and shifting moods that is a big dividing factor between us.

[Mindfunked]

You posted this response while I was still writing mine. Did she feel pressure to marry? I've noticed in Indian families there is a lot of pressure to marry. Could she have felt the push from friends or family while dating?

 

 

Well she never pressurized me to get married in the first place we dated for 10 long years and finally we got married , also I never had given a thought of this kind of behavior as it wasn't the case earlier or else the present would have been a different story.

 

And now the second question yes I guess she succumbed under family pressure to tie the knot as soon as we reached mid 20s which is a normal throughout the world I guess again age here is just a number.

 

The bottom line is we always wanted to get married no matter what it's just a change in the behavior which is sort of responsible for the drift and this kind of behavior unfortunately doesn't seem to get any better anytime soon.

 

All I can do is just hope for the best life's too short.

[Mindfunked]

I have worked with a lot of Indian men who have wives that don't work. So that is what I'm picturing. On top of that I've noticed a lot of showing off in that culture so I get the sense that lack of being able to show off does color what is happening to your wife. How well off are the the other families you socialize with? Also did you always want to be in the field you are now? If it's been 10 years I would assume she knew this would be your life and you knew each other better than a lot of Indian people I've met who married people they knew briefly or family acquaintances.

 

It could be stemming from jealousy over what some of them have. I've noticed a lot of Indians like to show off when they get expensive things. Every party, wedding, etc. I've been to I've seen this. At least in the circles I've worked with who came to the US. I wonder if she feels like you two aren't good enough compared to these other people?

 

After 10 years I really doubt it's really what these fights are at the root of the problem. I think MC might be a good help for you two to get to the root of the REAL problem.

 

Sorry it seems you have got some things wrong, my wife is a working woman and I like the fact she does work and is occupied with what she likes also this allows her a exposure to many factors of life that a housewife cannot experience.

 

Well more than the show off thing I think it's the stigma In a woman's mind at least in most of the situation is that a man is responsible for the finances of the house and the whole burden of it lies on a mans shoulder so when things fall apart financially the blame game begins,making fingers point at the man without assessing the situation or condition.

 

We donot socialize that frequently with either of the families it's mostly our parents among our family we socialize with, so thinking about family influence is pretty much not the right thing.

 

10'years of dating before marriage I knew very well what was in for me however I didn't expect these kind of rude behavior and emotional assault, she was more quieter super soft spoken, however now she has extreme mood shifts and at times she doesn't even know how rude her actions were.

 

No I don't think she's more concerned in showing off to anybody in the family or around it seems she's unsecured and impatient about things happening like a bad phase and this may the way she reacts which cannot be justified as at this phase that's the last thing I can expect out of her.

 

At times when I sit down and think I too agree that there might be more to this than just money but assumptions will not help.

 

Thanks for your words.

[lucy_in_disguise]

You mentioned that you dont always do your share around the house due to your schedule, but that both of you work. Do you think she's stressed from taking care of everything around the house and working full time? Did you live together before marriage? Is there a chance she wants to be a stay at home wife and resents you for not being able to provide that?

 

If you are able to save her entire income it sounds like youre doing pretty well financially. Maybe not as rich as she grew up but certainly money should not be that much of a stressor. I think there is somethig else going on that shes begun to resent you for. Maybe its your long hours, maybe its the housework thing, but you need to talk and figure out a solution before this escalates.

Edited April 26, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

[Mindfunked]

Women also need respect and men need love too, but yeah, it's an awesome book! It was mandatory reading for the premarital course my hubby and I took before we tied the knot!

 

It helped me understand his point of view and helped him understand mine!

 

OP, It might not hurt to check that book out from a library and read it, and leave the book out for your wife to read. Hopefully she will be curious and read it!

 

Thanks for your understanding and inputs

Yes I think it won't hurt simply by reading this book

And by the title I fully agree love and respect goes hand in hand

Thanks again!!!