Naturally Flirtatious Personality

[alsudduth]

Hey guys!

 

I need some tips to be more aware of my flirtatious personality.....

 

I am married, yet find that I easily fall into flirtatious behavior with other men almost before I realize what's happening.

 

Some background is that my husband and I have had a pretty rocky relationship for the last 3+ years...I realize that part of the flirty behaviour was to meet a need that my husband was not providing.

 

I can also say that part of the behavior gives me an ego boost. I've been with my husband since I was 15, and it's nice to know that I'm attractive to other people.

 

Obviously this is a dangerous and slippery slope...one that has gotten me in trouble before.

 

At this point, while my husband and I have a long road ahead of us to save the marriage, how do I set healthy boundaries when it comes to flirtatious behavior? How do reel myself in before a conversation with someone gets out of hand?

[d0nnivain]

I am a flirty person too but there are still limits. You need to be very clear where the boundaries lie. I don't give other men the impression that I'm willing to do anything more then talk / flirt. If you consistently have men thinking you are up for an affair you are taking things too far & need to back off.

 

Because you already admit that your marriage has had some rough spots, IMO you need to pull all the way back & focus 110% of your sexual energy on your husband. Until he's the only one stroking your ego, you are on shaky ground here.

[renaissancewoman]

Flirting with your husband? Seriously, just because we get married, it doesn't mean we should stop flirting. My husband and I leave notes in unexpected places. We draw dirty stick figure pictures on post its and leave them in a random page of whatever book we're reading. I ask him to choose my underwear for me so he can think about them all day when I'm at work. There are so many fun ways to flirt with your husband. His attraction for you should be enough. You shouldn't need to feel validated by anyone outside of your marriage.

 

EDIT: My last sentence sounded judgy and I wanted to clarify. If done right, flirting with your husband should create a healthy attraction that wouldn't make you want or need to be attractive to other people because his attraction for you would be the only thing you crave. I can honestly say that when my husband tells me I'm beautiful, it gives me butterflies. I don't even care nor do I wonder how other men see me.

Edited April 18, 2016 by renaissancewoman
Clarification

[spanz1]

a good way to set some boundaries is WHERE you are being flirty. Flirty in the office might be safe. Flirty at a business conference at a bar with a colleague is fraught with peril!

 

A little sexual tension at work can be fun! but you have to realize that guys generally have one ON/OFF switch, and once you flip that switch, they are going to want to get laid. And some guys can be VERY persuasive...especially if you have a rocky marriage. They will use that fact psychologically against you to get you into bed.

 

Watch out if their conversation shifts to "wow your husband forgot valentines day, boy you deserve a better mate than that. I would never do that to my woman...."...sort of conversation that seeks to have you justify taking the flirting a little bit farther each day. Those types of flirters are "players" with only one goal in mind. avoid them.

[alsudduth]

Flirting with your husband? Seriously, just because we get married, it doesn't mean we should stop flirting. My husband and I leave notes in unexpected places. We draw dirty stick figure pictures on post its and leave them in a random page of whatever book we're reading. I ask him to choose my underwear for me so he can think about them all day when I'm at work. There are so many fun ways to flirt with your husband. His attraction for you should be enough. You shouldn't need to feel validated by anyone outside of your marriage.

 

EDIT: My last sentence sounded judgy and I wanted to clarify. If done right, flirting with your husband should create a healthy attraction that wouldn't make you want or need to be attractive to other people because his attraction for you would be the only thing you crave. I can honestly say that when my husband tells me I'm beautiful, it gives me butterflies. I don't even care nor do I wonder how other men see me.

 

I like this idea.....I'm not sure I'm quite there with my husband right now...without getting into too much detail, he has hurt me greatly from an emotional standpoint in the past and I am VERY guarded with my emotions with him right now. I had a good talk with my counselor yesterday. One of the things we spoke about was how to start putting a little more trust in him. So while I put some of those ideas we talked about in motion I also have to put myself in the right mindset to flirt with him.

 

For me, flirting with other men was so much easier than trying to get any kind of attention from my husband. We both had stopped wearing our wedding rings for quite some time, and for a variety of reasons - so the first thing I have done, is put my ring back on. I have a goal to wear it everyday during this process. My hope in doing so is that I won't be subconsciously putting out the "single n ready to mingle" vibe.

 

The next step is for me to try and allow myself to reciprocate his loving advances and make small attempts to start with initiating "cuddle time"

[alsudduth]

a good way to set some boundaries is WHERE you are being flirty. Flirty in the office might be safe. Flirty at a business conference at a bar with a colleague is fraught with peril!

 

A little sexual tension at work can be fun! but you have to realize that guys generally have one ON/OFF switch, and once you flip that switch, they are going to want to get laid. And some guys can be VERY persuasive...especially if you have a rocky marriage. They will use that fact psychologically against you to get you into bed.

 

Watch out if their conversation shifts to "wow your husband forgot valentines day, boy you deserve a better mate than that. I would never do that to my woman...."...sort of conversation that seeks to have you justify taking the flirting a little bit farther each day. Those types of flirters are "players" with only one goal in mind. avoid them.

 

The other thing I need to keep in mind that I tend to forget sometimes and my counselor pointed out - is to always think when I'm talking to someone "Would I say this or do this if my husband was standing here" and remind myself that if I wouldn't, I'm taking it too far.

[renaissancewoman]

I like this idea.....I'm not sure I'm quite there with my husband right now...without getting into too much detail, he has hurt me greatly from an emotional standpoint in the past and I am VERY guarded with my emotions with him right now. I had a good talk with my counselor yesterday. One of the things we spoke about was how to start putting a little more trust in him. So while I put some of those ideas we talked about in motion I also have to put myself in the right mindset to flirt with him.

 

For me, flirting with other men was so much easier than trying to get any kind of attention from my husband. We both had stopped wearing our wedding rings for quite some time, and for a variety of reasons - so the first thing I have done, is put my ring back on. I have a goal to wear it everyday during this process. My hope in doing so is that I won't be subconsciously putting out the "single n ready to mingle" vibe.

 

The next step is for me to try and allow myself to reciprocate his loving advances and make small attempts to start with initiating "cuddle time"

 

I'm very sorry that you have been hurt and it's hard to open your heart up again. I get that when you are with someone and you love them, the slightest offense can pierce that heart and it is hard not to let it harden over time, let alone major offenses. I sincerely hope that the both of you can make efforts to improve your marriage. I think the steps you are taking are all reasonable. Wearing your ring again and making effort to return his affection. I would also encourage you to speak words of affirmation and gratitude. "I really appreciate how you let me know you love me by xyz." "Thank you for warming the car up for me this morning. It makes me feel loved." Etc.

 

I don't know if you are a woman of faith, but I am reading The Power of a Praying Wife. It's very insightful about how we can start to use prayer as a love language for our husbands. But a really big takeaway, even if you aren't a believer, is when she said that it's not about who needs to change. But it's about who is willing to change. Obviously, you both have things to work on. I'm glad that you are taking the necessary steps to make changes in yourself and hope that it will start to make a big difference in your relationship.

[HereNorThere]

What you describe as a "naturally flirtatious personality" sounds a lot like "histrionic personality disorder" but I'm not a doctor, just another cat on the Internet.

 

And I'm sure you are know we can see your previous post, so we are aware that you are minimizing your behavior. Your last thread where you described this dangerous, obsessive emotional affair with your "friend" sounds a lot worse than a "naturally flirtatious personality."

 

I would do some research on HPD and talk to a doctor. Not some counselor without a real degree or religious person. At minimum, a psychologist, but your ultimate goal should be a psychiatrist. It's time to quit minimizing and get a real diagnosis and treatment.

 

Here, I'll help you start your journey - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

[alsudduth]

What you describe as a "naturally flirtatious personality" sounds a lot like "histrionic personality disorder" but I'm not a doctor, just another cat on the Internet.

 

And I'm sure you are know we can see your previous post, so we are aware that you are minimizing your behavior. Your last thread where you described this dangerous, obsessive emotional affair with your "friend" sounds a lot worse than a "naturally flirtatious personality."

 

I would do some research on HPD and talk to a doctor. Not some counselor without a real degree or religious person. At minimum, a psychologist, but your ultimate goal should be a psychiatrist. It's time to quit minimizing and get a real diagnosis and treatment.

 

Here, I'll help you start your journey - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

 

I appreciate your opinion, the link was pretty interesting. I am not sure that I agree that this is the case for me, but I can see where you might come up with that conclusion.

 

The difference I think is that I am not a serial cheater. I didn't actively seek out to have feelings for that other person....it happened during a time that my husband told me he wanted a divorce and we separated.... I was vulnerable and needed that kind of closeness in my life...It definitely snowballed into something more serious that was very hard for me to end.

 

In addition my husband has been emotionally unavailable to me for about 18 out of the 20 years we have been together, so in my opinion it is only natural for me to see that emotional connection elsewhere.

 

It also made me aware of the things I do to whether subconsciously or not to put out a vibe that I'm "Available" Basically all I was looking for here, were tips to control that behavior that I tend to gravitate towards. Now that my husband has been really trying to step up to the plate and I believe that he is truly trying to make changes, I feel like we have a chance to make it, and I want to do my part in making that happen.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think your approach is reasonable if giving your marriage a chance is what you want to do.

 

That said, 18 out of 20 years is a long time to stay with someone who does not meet your needs. Cheating is not the answer as you seem to be aware, but expecting a leopars to change his stripes may not be realistic, either.

 

I really hope the changes your husband is trying to make really stick.

[FastHands]

IMHO by being flirty you kinda send out the wrong message. I've seen flirty married girls that want nothing to do with another man but act like they do.

Some guys can laugh it off while others take it personally and that can't be good

For an all the time flirting behavior.

[alsudduth]

I think your approach is reasonable if giving your marriage a chance is what you want to do.

 

That said, 18 out of 20 years is a long time to stay with someone who does not meet your needs. Cheating is not the answer as you seem to be aware, but expecting a leopars to change his stripes may not be realistic, either.

 

I really hope the changes your husband is trying to make really stick.

 

Thank you, so do I. He is aware that this is the last time I will go through this cycle with him....as in he neglects me, I get sad and withdrawn, he knows I'm about to walk out the door, he cleans up his act for awhile...

 

I flat out told him, that I will make changes to voice any concerns as they come up, I will not be afraid to fight with him, and that if he doesn't do his part to have a happy relationship with me, I WILL leave him next time because I will not spend the rest of my life with one foot out the door to get the attention I deserve from my husband.