Wife wants kids, I don't

[nstt]

Before you saw we should have talked about it first, we did. I changed my mind.

 

We both said we wanted 3 kids. Then we had fertility issues and were faced with possibly never having kids. I got use to the idea of that and eventually it was very appealing to me. I changed my mind and didn't want kids. Then my wife got pregnant and had a baby in 2014. One of the many doctors we saw figured out what was wrong with her and now we shouldn't have issues conceiving in the future.

 

When my wife got pregnant, I wasn't happy or excited. I wasn't very present in the pregnancy (planning, feeling him move, etc) and that hurt her. I didn't want kids anymore. Now I love my child more than anything and love watching him grow. But I do not want more. My wife however still wants 3 kids, and honestly I'm sure she'd have more than 3 if I was on board. But that's a big hell no to me. I didn't want 1, let alone 3.

 

The issue is, where to we go from here? She's upset because she wants more, I don't want more. We don't yell at each other over it, but fight about it and she gets pretty upset.

 

One of us gets what we want and the other suffers? This is our only issue, we don't have any other problems and are otherwise very happy.

 

I won't lie, there are times when I want to just get a vasectomy and not say anything. I wouldn't actually do that, though. The stress of infertility was unbearable for her.

[CarrieT]

Divorce your wife and let her find someone that wants to help her establish a bigger family.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce your wife and let her find someone that wants to help her establish a bigger family.

 

Sadly this is what it comes down to. Your wife wants more children and you don't.

 

I just hope you're a good and loving father to your current child. And will continue to be in your child's life if you and your wife divorce.

[nstt]

Divorce your wife and let her find someone that wants to help her establish a bigger family.

 

Neither of us want a divorce. We both feel like American's just use divorce as the first answer to every marriage problem.

[CarrieT]

Then spend a lot of money on marriage counseling to see if one of you can change each other's mind.

 

I don't believe that divorce is an immediate go-to solution, however I have been around this site long enough to have seen these same problems arise and how often they are most equinamously solved.

[Eggplant]

You want 0 more. She wants 2 more. Compromise and have 1 more.

[basil67]

Often there's no compromise with an issue such as this. But as you've already got one, I agree that having one more instead of two more would be a reasonable approach.

[nstt]

I don't think it is fair to bring a child into the world that isn't wanted by both parents. I wouldn't be able to force my enthusiasm over it. And just like last time, it would be hard on my wife. She wants me to be excited over pregnancy things, and to be able to tell me she's pregnant and me have a great reaction. I can't force it.

 

She thinks I don't want more kids because of her. That I just don't want kids with her.

[dichotomy]

I understand very well what fertility issues can do to person emotionally and a to a marriage, but everyone is different in how they deal with this - as was the case in my first marriage where it was a factor in my divorce. Its a major life style choice - kids or no kids.

 

She never changed her want. You used to want kids as well. Your the one that changed, why can't you change back? Can you be specific on what happened to your view and emotions ?

 

However One kid or two - I don't see a life changing difference in your life now. In for a penny..

Edited April 17, 2016 by dichotomy

[renaissancewoman]

This is so sad. One of you must be willing to change if this marriage is going to work. There is simply no compromise. Someone is going to have to decide that staying married is worth giving up what he or she wants. It being the one to make that choice better come with the understanding that it won't become something that creates resentment.

 

Honestly, I just don't see how it can work. You are asking your wife to give up a dream that she has most likely had her whole life. It's hard to explain, but sometimes, you just know in your being that there is another soul, another life meant tone brought in by you. You just don't shake that feeling. If you can't give her that, you need to be willing to let her go and find someone who is willing to build a family with her. You had a change of heart. It's like you are no longer the man that she fell in love with and planned a life with. I'm not saying that it's not allowed to change your mind, but when you make the choice to spend the rest of your life with someone you should be in total agreeance for the plans and future that you build, which it seems you did. But then you changed the plan and she needs to either accept it or move on or you should decide that she is worth changing your plan again or let her go.

[Eggplant]

I don't think it is fair to bring a child into the world that isn't wanted by both parents. I wouldn't be able to force my enthusiasm over it. And just like last time, it would be hard on my wife. She wants me to be excited over pregnancy things, and to be able to tell me she's pregnant and me have a great reaction. I can't force it.

 

She thinks I don't want more kids because of her. That I just don't want kids with her.

You don't have any good "fair" options here, unfortunately. Divorce would be fair, except that you already have one child together. It's not fair to her to keep her from having the children she wants. It's not fair to you to make you have children you don't want, or to make children who are unwanted. Pick your poison, but don't use the "unfair" argue for the option that suits you the most -- all the scenarios are unfair to somebody.

[bluefeather]

She thinks I don't want more kids because of her. That I just don't want kids with her.

 

Well if you changed your mind during the relationship, that's kind of how it looks.

 

Marriage counseling is the only suggestion I can think of aside from divorce, because I can't see a compromise here. Maybe with a counselor, the two of you can find one.

 

Good luck :/ I hope things work out for the both of you.

[ShatteredLady]

I LOVED growing-up with my brother. I ALWAYS wanted at least 2 children & was blessed with 2. After my brother died I became an only child. It's... It changes everything. I'm not the little sister anymore.

 

If my life had taken a slightly different path with my health & my marriage I would of LOVED to have another baby. It's so hard to explain. I never wanted one of my children to be alone in the world. It would bring an incredible peace to my heart to have a large family but it's not to be.

 

You're asking your wife to make a huge life changing sacrifice for you. You need her to completely change the picture that she has of her life.

 

Can you clearly articulate how & why your plans have changed so much? I can understand it. It's such a big thing though.

 

That's going to be a tough conversation. Would you make a sacrifice of that magnitude for your wife?

[Emilia]

Why can't you have 1 more? What difference does it make considering you love your child?

[basil67]

I don't think it is fair to bring a child into the world that isn't wanted by both parents. I wouldn't be able to force my enthusiasm over it. And just like last time, it would be hard on my wife. She wants me to be excited over pregnancy things, and to be able to tell me she's pregnant and me have a great reaction. I can't force it.

 

She thinks I don't want more kids because of her. That I just don't want kids with her.

 

Fair enough. I guess the only option left to you is to break up your family and let her find someone who wants to have babies

[Who_took_my_name]

Ok, well not an easy situation but I guess a question to ask is how do you feel about your son now? You've said you love him more than anything and love watching him grow. If you didn't want kids when your wife was pregnant but now feel like that then chances are you'll feel the same about a second.

 

To me it's kind of obvious that parents love their kids but what sort of dad are you? Does your wife do a lot or are you heavily involved / sharing being a parent on all levels? It's obviously one thing to love a parent and another to actively be its parent.

 

I guess it comes down to do you want a divorce (not recommending it but seems a likely outcome) or another child that you're not sure about but chances are will feel differently when he/she is born.

[cocorico]

Before you saw we should have talked about it first, we did. I changed my mind.

 

You do realise that, technically, this is "breach of contract"? I fully understand why and how it happened - and of course people can and do change their minds - but you did have an agreement, and you're wanting to break it. There is therefore greater onus on you to compromise, in all fairness.

 

My H was the "victim" of "I changed my mind" in his first M. He and his xW had both agreed from the outset not to have kids. Neither wanted them, both agreed that career and lifestyle were what they wanted. And then she "changed her mind" - without telling him. She "accidentally" fell pregnant, but then miscarried. He was relieved, she was devastated. He wanted a vasectomy but she refused permission, and later went off birth control deliberately without telling him, fell pregnant and refused to abort (which had been the agreement when she refused to allow him to get a vasectomy) and forced him to have kids he didn't want. Like you, he loves his kids, but given the choice, he would not have had them. He resented her for not keeping to the agreement, and for unilaterally imposing her decision on him when they had a "contract". While he understood (retrospectively in his case, since she didn't do him the courtesy of informing him) that she'd changed her mind, he hadn't, and he resented that she just assumed he'd be in agreement with her and that he'd necessarily go through the same process of changing his mind that she had.

 

Your wife is likely feeling the same. While she no doubt understands why, and how, your change of mind (and heart) came about, she's still where she was in her original stance re: kids, and she no doubt resents your imposing your journey of changing your mind onto her. You had an agreement; you're unilaterally seeking to force her to change it.

 

I'd suggest joint counselling to see if some kind of compromise is possible; if not, I'd suggest IC for you to explore the "change of mind" you went through, and whether this is as a result of something that can be addressed - like resignation, fear, etc.

[Cherryz]

Topics like want to have kids or no are not things to lie about before marry or things you can fake it till you make it.

 

You have to be clear to each other. And very honest way before.

 

Why did you change your mind? The reason you giving sounds like you may just

need some time to be open for it again.

Dont be hard headed in this. Because for your wife its a huge issues then can result

result into regret till she get old and die or into her cheat just to have more kids.

 

Dont let your ego be more important. Like : i choose this way of thinking so i have to stay stuck in it to prove a point.

At the end you both have to meet each others needs. You cant just change your mind like its about buying a house or car.

Have some therapy and be open and honest while going true it both of you.

 

And try to understand each other.

[Cherryz]

Dont try to punish her because of the issue she had before to have kids.

 

It wasnt her fault that things ddnt go easily when you was trying before to have kids.

 

Now that its finally better and that she can, enjoy it dont let anything stand in your happiness.

And if you really not want, at least give her a second child.

And accept it. Accept how the situation is now and deal with it.

Spent time with your kids and treat them rigth. Often spending time with your kids

also help you get closer to them and see that its something to love and embrace.

[Arieswoman]

nstt,

I'm sorry but I can't see a compromise here.

 

I was in the reverse situation.

I told my first husband before we were married there was no way that I wanted kids. He agreed, and we didn't have any.

 

One of the excuses he gave me for cheating was that "I denied him children" ( ! )

I asked him when he had changed his mind about this and he said he didn't know.

 

If he had told me that he had changed his mind before he cheated, then I would have been agreeable (but not happy) to a divorce, to set him free to have kids with someone else.

 

He now has 2 with OW.

 

You need to let your wife go - sorry x

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm totally with the OP on this.

If he doesn't want any more children, then even the compromise of one more is a totally unreasonable demand. Put aside for the moment the expense and financial implications of bringing up another child, for the moment; there will not be the paternal enthusiasm or dedication for the child, a lack of affection and a level of resentment.

None of which, the child should ever have, let alone deserve.

There are three solutions for the OP:

 

• Have a vasectomy, stick to his guns, and stay married, but be prepared to weather the storm. And there WILL be one hell of a sch*tstorm, make no mistake.
   
  
• Divorce, maintain support of his current family, but any future kids will obviously be THEIR father's responsibility.
   
  
• Stay married, but be willing for his wife to have kids in her own way - but again - she has them? She's responsible for them.
  

 

But give her more kids himself?

No way.

Shouldn't even be a consideration, if he's adamant that it's not what he wants.

[oldshirt]

Why can't you have 1 more? What difference does it make considering you love your child?

 

Why can't she just not have another one? She doesn't love something that doesn't exist so it's not like she'd be missing anything.

[xxoo]

You'll love and enjoy your second child just as much as the first. Millions of married couples have "surprise!" babies and adjust and treasure them. You'll love this baby once it's here just as they love the babies they didn't "want".

[TaraMaiden2]

Why can't she just not have another one? She doesn't love something that doesn't exist so it's not like she'd be missing anything.

 

Actually, playing Devil's advocate, it's not that simple. Very often, the maternal instinct in a woman is fuelled by hormonal surges. It may honestly not be something she can naturally do anything about.

 

I have often said that I do not ever regret having had my two daughters, I love them to the ends of the earth, BUT: If I had 'my time' again, I would give a lot more serious thought to having any kids at all.

That said, I was absolutely desperate to have a second child. I cannot describe the sheer unexpected, fervent deep desire to have another child after my first, and every month I found myself NOT pregnant, was a devastating, desperate milestone. I never would, but I can understand the screaming desire for children that makes some women snatch babies from prams....

 

It is an uncontrollable feeling, and one that is impossible for some women to deny.

There are so many couples desperate to conceive, that IVF programmes are far too commonplace to count.... it's a biological thing.

 

I guess, with medical intervention, and the administration of hormonal drugs, it could be quelled or suppressed, but no woman yearning for a child of her own would ever succumb to such treatment, voluntarily. Why would she? Why, indeed, should she?

 

We have no idea whether the OP's wife's desire is driven by simple desire to have a bigger family, or something deeper and more hormonally-fuelled.

 

Either way, though - the OP should still not comply or compromise with 'just one more instead of the two' and nothing should compel him to do so.

 

Hence my suggestions.

[TaraMaiden2]

You'll love and enjoy your second child just as much as the first. Millions of married couples have "surprise!" babies and adjust and treasure them. You'll love this baby once it's here just as they love the babies they didn't "want".

 

That's Bull.

While I worked in Counselling, I met three men whose resentment at their wife's' pregnancies was palpable. They all in one way or another professed resentment and distance from the children they had fathered. Two had conceded reluctantly and regretted it bitterly, feeling no connection whatsoever to their young children. One even demanded a paternity test convinced the child was not his, as he had been assured she was taking contraceptives, and once it was discovered he WAS the child's father, decided to divorce his wife. He would not refer to his son by name, but called the boy 'it'.

 

It's unfair to place such assurances on the shoulders of men, who just don't 'feel it'.

I think the above emotional bond applies far more to women than it does to men. To reassure the OP that "You'll love and enjoy your second child just as much as the first." is precisely the kind of coercion that puts pressure on men to father children they really don't want.