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"Why don't you want me to love you?"


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BettyDraper

My husband recently asked me a question:

 

"Why don't you want me to love you?"

 

I was startled by this and asked him what he meant. My husband says that he thinks I ignore him and literally push him away when he tries to be affectionate or sexual. He pointed out that last week I only had sex with him once and I declined several times. My husband also mentioned that sometimes he says he loves me and I don't say it back for hours or days. He feels that I have difficulty accepting love.

 

I'm so embarrassed to hear all of these things from my husband but I'm also glad that he shared them with me. Normally, I have sex with my husband even though my libido has been erratic but last week I was struggling with PMS. I had sex with my husband on Saturday after our conversation. I enjoy affection but sometimes my husband's need for affection feels passionate yet overwhelming. He likes to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck. He also likes to grab my ass and pull me close for passionate kisses.

 

I don't see why my husband gets upset if I don't kiss him as soon as he comes home or he gets offended I don't lie in bed in cuddle with him at some point during the evening. I'm just an independent person and I don't need as much affection as my husband does. However, I realize that marriage is about two people and I can't just focus on whatever I want all the time.

 

Has anyone ever been told that they don't allow love to be shown to them? How did you get past that? I've always felt like I need to protect myself because I've been through many traumatic things in my life. My husband used to be the more reserved one and now it's me and I don't know why.

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todreaminblue

the word that is most telling to me in what you have written is overwhelming....the fact that your husband was the more reserved person and now its changed to you being more reserved but not only reserved but overwhelmed...

 

you say you have trauma in your past....i suggest to you therapy to resolve any issues you might have with your husband so that he might understand you more....also to come up with strategies and compromises on the affection and how it is expressed between the both of you to make you both happy.....that you both might feel fulfilled and satisfied.....

 

speaking from personal experience....with affection...when i was a child i craved affection and was made to feel less than i was because of this by my dad........i was vulnerable for men to take advantage of this...and so yes in childhood i was raped.....

 

after this happened affection from my father ceased completely....he became cold....distant....and i just wanted my dad to hold me....like a dad should hold a child....he never did....i was always told to toughen up when i cried or needed attention.....maybe he did the best he could.....

 

when i was shown affection later in my life..it felt awkward.....overwhelming......i make it a point to try to be more affectionate than i feel when i am in a relationship......i am more playful though than actually intimate unless it actually involves making love.....

 

i know i have issues with trust.....and with fear of abandonment.......with feeling less worthy than i should feel in regards to someone loving me...i have been discarded and rejected alot in childhood...and yes childhood counts for a persons emotional makeup as an adult......but because i know that....being aware helps......

 

if i were to be in another committed relationship and my partner expressed concerns in this department of love and affection.......i would suggest therapy for the both of us.....not only to deal with the issue...but to give a deeper understanding to my partner of exactly who i am, how i got to be this way...... in a controlled and neutral environment...and this is why i suggest you try professional therapy...it wont ever hurt it can only help you reach an understanding you havent had before..........good luck....deb

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Is it just the last week that is an issue, or is this a more long-term issue? How often do you two cuddle? Do you usually pull away from his kisses?

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TaraMaiden2
My husband recently asked me a question:

 

"Why don't you want me to love you?"

 

I was startled by this and asked him what he meant. My husband says that he thinks I ignore him and literally push him away when he tries to be affectionate or sexual. He pointed out that last week I only had sex with him once and I declined several times. My husband also mentioned that sometimes he says he loves me and I don't say it back for hours or days. He feels that I have difficulty accepting love.

 

I'm so embarrassed to hear all of these things from my husband but I'm also glad that he shared them with me. Normally, I have sex with my husband even though my libido has been erratic but last week I was struggling with PMS. I had sex with my husband on Saturday after our conversation. I enjoy affection but sometimes my husband's need for affection feels passionate yet overwhelming. He likes to sneak up behind me and kiss my neck. He also likes to grab my ass and pull me close for passionate kisses.

 

I don't see why my husband gets upset if I don't kiss him as soon as he comes home or he gets offended I don't lie in bed in cuddle with him at some point during the evening. I'm just an independent person and I don't need as much affection as my husband does. However, I realize that marriage is about two people and I can't just focus on whatever I want all the time.

 

Has anyone ever been told that they don't allow love to be shown to them? How did you get past that? I've always felt like I need to protect myself because I've been through many traumatic things in my life. My husband used to be the more reserved one and now it's me and I don't know why.

 

Does your husband's affectionate behaviour lead to him being turned on and wanting sex?

 

(This is sometimes an occurrence in relationships. And I do know of a couple of relationships where it's the woman who sees demonstrations of affection as a pre-cursor to intercourse....but in the main, I think it's a more prevalent attitude in men, than women.

Given that this is the situation here, I'm focusing on this dynamic, and not the opposite as I've noted above....)

 

Sometimes, women shy away from hugs and cuddles, because it seems to give men a signal that it's ok, or clear to take it to the next step - which is foreplay.

They don't seem to always get that, at times, that's all we want. Just a cuddle, a bit of kissing, and maybe a physical closeness, a 'bonding' a re-grouping and settling down.... We just want to shed the cares of the day away and feel safe, secure and loved.

 

But then, a man will begin to wander with his hands, become more passionate in his kisses - and wonder why the woman "rejects" him. (Why won't you let me 'love' you?)

It has nothing to do with rejection.

It has everything to do with communication, and misreading the signals.

Of course you want him to love you. And I'm sure he does. But you want him to love you in ways that make you feel comfortable and safe.

He has opened up and become more demonstrative, but doesn't seem to be able to read you or understand your 'signals'.

 

There again - he's not psychic. And, the poor lamb, he's a man. I don't think men are as programmed as women are, to be able to diffuse and compartmentalise the different modes of psychological and physical modes of demonstrating affection.

 

The old saying "Men need sex to feel loved, women need love to want sex" is actually penetratingly accurate in some cases....

 

I think there's more to this than initially meets the original post.

 

Just my two whatevers.....

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My wife is similar to you. She's very independent and doesn't generally need as much affection as I seem to need to be happy.

 

I don't know how long you've been married (we are almost 10 years/3 kids deep), but I've learned over time through discussions, sometimes heated, that it's not that she doesn't want those things so much as she has many other things on her mind than me.

 

I would compare my mind to a magic 8 ball... there's about 6 things possible in there when get home in the evening.. maybe a little thinking about work, as soon as I see my wife in pajamas I think of sex and want to grab her a@@, think about dinner, and how my fantasy team is doing.

 

In contrast I would compare her mind to to a massive bumper car arena. There's like 50 things going on, all bumping into each other with things getting stuck in corners and if you try to throw anything new in the middle of that, it's going to get crushed.

 

So... I come home from work, I see her in pajamas, my mind immediately goes to thought #2 out of the 6 possibilities. While at the same time, she's actively multi-tasking 8 different things. Thus, my a@@ grab or overall need for a little attention or acknowledgement would usually be met with what felt like I was being ignored. A lot of times, I felt like I was always at the bottom of her "list" of things that needed attended to. Which I specifically told her during our discussions. She swore I wasn't, but I explained why I felt that way and she acknowledged she could see why I might view it like that.

 

This may not be the same situation for you, but sounds like it is and sounds like you'd be receptive to talking about it.

 

We've personally worked through it, I can tell when she's "busy" and leave her alone. I also have always helped as much as I can with chores, kids, etc. I try to be helpful and remove things I can address from her list.

 

In return, she worked towards taking a minute or 2 here and there from the hectic addressing of lists to give me my time. Return my hello hug/kiss when i come home, give me a butt slap here and there, essentially bump me up from the bottom of her mind list. I don't need much, but when I felt like I was being ignored and not as important as making sure the laundry got into the dyer, that was when it was painful.

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Has anyone ever been told that they don't allow love to be shown to them? How did you get past that? I've always felt like I need to protect myself because I've been through many traumatic things in my life. My husband used to be the more reserved one and now it's me and I don't know why.

I've had a quick look at your history but I don't have the time to read all the threads. I think you have been married for quite long time?

 

Yes I am reserved and prefer men that aren't overtly touchy-feely. I have been told many times that it bothered the more tactile ones. I see this simply as an incompatibility. I don't view this as having something to get passed, I view this as a personality type. I don't see how it's possible to change.

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I think this situation is somewhat explained by the old grandma in the movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin.

 

 

Steve Martin and his wife were having an argument about something and the grandma just kind of wandered in and started talking about how she loved the roller coaster at the amusement park.

 

 

Looking at her somewhat befuddled and thinking she was just having a dementia attack, Steven Martin and his wife didn't get what she was talking about at first. but as she went on they started to get it and saw the light of what she was saying.

 

 

She went on to say that some people only like to ride the merrygoround and that provides them all the stimulation and excitement that they need or even that they can handle.

 

 

For them the roller coaster is too much and instead of enjoying the rush and excitement of it, they are terrified and scared and it is an overwhelming and definitely not fun experience for them.

 

 

For the people that like the roller coaster, just sitting on a merrrygoround going round and round is boring and frustrating for them and just results in frustrations and disappointment.

 

 

People are much the same with relationships. Different people need varying degrees of fun and excitement and stimulation. Other people need varying degrees of stability and calm and order.

 

 

Probably no couple is 100% 50-50 in what they like, someone is always going to want a little "more" than the other, and one of them is going to want less.

 

 

The challenge is how to reconcile the differences and make up the difference in needs. You may both need to bend a little of you are to have a lasting, happy, healthy marriage. You may have to learn to live with a little extra pressure to show up with your game face on and be ready to rock the Kasbah more than what you would normally wish to do.

 

 

And he may need to have to learn to cool his jets a little and learn to appreciate what he has rather than focus on what he wishes he was getting.

 

 

If the difference between your thermostat settings is small and each of you are able to bend a little and meet in the middle, then there is no reason to assume life can't go on and be fine.

 

 

But if the difference is great and you aren't able to compromise enough to make up for the disparity, then some serious problems and maybe even catastrophic failure is a very real risk.

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I don't see why my husband gets upset if I don't kiss him as soon as he comes home or he gets offended I don't lie in bed in cuddle with him at some point during the evening.

 

because it feels like rejection and rejection doesn't feel nice. When you're constantly being rejected by the person who swore they would cherish you til the day they died, it's soul crushing. It makes them start thinking about the wisdom in staying with someone who refuses to meet a basic emotional need from the one they esteemed enough to marry.

 

 

I'm just an independent person and I don't need as much affection as my husband does. However, I realize that marriage is about two people and I can't just focus on whatever I want all the time.

 

Yes, because that's the definition of selfishness.

 

Has anyone ever been told that they don't allow love to be shown to them? How did you get past that? I've always felt like I need to protect myself because I've been through many traumatic things in my life. My husband used to be the more reserved one and now it's me and I don't know why.

 

Why do you need to protect yourself from your husband? The time to have protected yourself from him was before you said "I do".

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RecentChange

Gosh, yes, all of what Kendahke said.

 

I am a touchy feely person. Touch is my "love language". Kisses, hugs and cuddles are very important to me. They just make me feel good! Relaxed, content, secure, loved. It's something I NEED. I have a feeling your husband is much the same.

 

And I have been in a position like your husband, my attempts of affection rejected - ugh, and its terrible! That list above, what I get from physical contact? Rejection results in the opposite. Tense, unease, insecure, rejected.

 

I am sure those arent things you want your husband to feel. I know you aren't purposly " rejecting" him, but understand he might feel very differently than you about the situation.

 

And as for protecting yourself - your husband should be the one person in this world that you can let go and be vulnerable with.

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BettyDraper

I think I need to be honest here instead of holding back information. I should add that my husband was not always the sweet and loving partner that he has been the past couple of years. He used to be selfish, brusque and unromantic. I went into my shell to protect myself. I also had abusive relationships with men when I was much younger and less confident. Seeing other women I care about be great to men and get disrespect in return didn't help. I know this is an awful and irrational way of thinking but I feel like being too loving to a man often results in being treated poorly. I apologize to male members who are posting in this thread; this is only what I have come to believe based on my experiences. There are good men in the world and my husband is one of them-now.

 

I realize that I should forgive and forget. I know that I should be happy that my husband is great to me.....it's just my tendency to distance myself and be cold if someone has hurt me deeply in the past. It's the same way I handle my mother's sudden kindness and wish to be friends. I refuse to let her back in after the years of abuse she subjected me to, as well as the rumor spreading and other stuff.

 

Therapy is a great suggestion. I spent years talking to a therapist who specializes in abuse and trauma. I made great progress with expressing difficult feelings appropriately and I stopped using marijuana to self medicate my PTSD. Not using weed anymore has caused many difficult truths to come to the surface. I've come to the conclusion that certain types of emotional damage is too deep and scarring to be resolved completely.

 

I must say that I greatly appreciate the caring responses. I don't feel judged or shamed for my feelings which is helpful.

 

I just spoke to my husband because he left his office to go for lunch. He said "I'm just going to keep showing you that I love you so much and I'm sorry for all the pain that has made you keep to yourself. I will do this for the next 30 years if that's what it takes."

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BettyDraper
because it feels like rejection and rejection doesn't feel nice. When you're constantly being rejected by the person who swore they would cherish you til the day they died, it's soul crushing. It makes them start thinking about the wisdom in staying with someone who refuses to meet a basic emotional need from the one they esteemed enough to marry.

 

 

 

Yes, because that's the definition of selfishness.

 

 

 

Why do you need to protect yourself from your husband? The time to have protected yourself from him was before you said "I do".

 

I don't want to be selfish and that's why I still have sex with my husband even though my drive is mostly low these days.

 

I added another post which outlines why I feel like protecting myself. I also know that since spouses do not always behave in a trustworthy manner, it makes sense to keep contingency plans in place to be safe. Lots of marriages end because spouses were given trust when they didn't deserve it.

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BettyDraper
Gosh, yes, all of what Kendahke said.

 

I am a touchy feely person. Touch is my "love language". Kisses, hugs and cuddles are very important to me. They just make me feel good! Relaxed, content, secure, loved. It's something I NEED. I have a feeling your husband is much the same.

 

And I have been in a position like your husband, my attempts of affection rejected - ugh, and its terrible! That list above, what I get from physical contact? Rejection results in the opposite. Tense, unease, insecure, rejected.

 

I am sure those arent things you want your husband to feel. I know you aren't purposly " rejecting" him, but understand he might feel very differently than you about the situation.

 

And as for protecting yourself - your husband should be the one person in this world that you can let go and be vulnerable with.

 

The weird thing is...I used to be all about touch while my husband was not. Now we have changed roles. It could be because of what I mentioned in the post where I shared more of what he did.

 

Plenty of spouses let go with each other and end up getting kicked in the teeth emotionally. Marriage doesn't make anyone less human or fallible. I don't believe in trusting anyone completely no matter who they are.

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RecentChange

Well - I admit, I don't come from a history of abuse, every guy I have dated was - a good guy, so, we have different perspectives.

 

But I can't comprehend a close relationship like a marriage without letting go. To allow yourself to love, and be loved so deeply, that you can be completely volnerable is a special thing - yes, and it might mean getting hurt.

 

I am not sure which is better - never loving so deeply, and avoiding possible pain, or loving completely and opening yourself up to possible hurt. I choose the latter (and I have been "kicked in the teeth" in the form of cheating - but have been able to recover enough to open myself back up completely).

 

Edited to add - you say marriages end because too much trust was given. What is the point of a marriage without trust!? Trust means security, means love. If you can't have trust, perhaps the marriage should end.

Edited by RecentChange
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BettyDraper
Well - I admit, I don't come from a history of abuse, every guy I have dated was - a good guy, so, we have different perspectives.

 

But I can't comprehend a close relationship like a marriage without letting go. To allow yourself to love, and be loved so deeply, that you can be completely volnerable is a special thing - yes, and it might mean getting hurt.

 

I am not sure which is better - never loving so deeply, and avoiding possible pain, or loving completely and opening yourself up to possible hurt. I choose the latter (and I have been "kicked in the teeth" in the form of cheating - but have been able to recover enough to open myself back up completely).

 

Edited to add - you say marriages end because too much trust was given. What is the point of a marriage without trust!? Trust means security, means love. If you can't have trust, perhaps the marriage should end.

 

I think it is probably very hard for you to understand my perspective because your experiences have been quite different from mine.

 

Those who have a history of abuse will completely comprehend how I came to think this way.

 

Trust does not always mean security. Plenty of spouses trust each other and then find out that their trust was misplaced.

It appears that your great experiences have likely made you somewhat naive as to how trust can be broken.

 

I find it hard to relate to those who have had easy lives though I greatly appreciate your efforts to help.

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The weird thing is...I used to be all about touch while my husband was not. Now we have changed roles. It could be because of what I mentioned in the post where I shared more of what he did.

 

Plenty of spouses let go with each other and end up getting kicked in the teeth emotionally. Marriage doesn't make anyone less human or fallible. I don't believe in trusting anyone completely no matter who they are.

 

Your very wise to not trust others. Always protect yourself as that other person can leave you at any point or hurt you. I don't trust anyone completely either and never will. You are very smart.

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I think it is probably very hard for you to understand my perspective because your experiences have been quite different from mine.

 

Those who have a history of abuse will completely comprehend how I came to think this way.

 

Trust does not always mean security. Plenty of spouses trust each other and then find out that their trust was misplaced.

It appears that your great experiences have likely made you somewhat naive as to how trust can be broken.

 

I find it hard to relate to those who have had easy lives though I greatly appreciate your efforts to help.

 

I understand you. A lot of people I trusted in life turned out to be evil. trust goes straight out the window when u meet bad people.

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TaraMaiden2

Smart? Yes, perhaps.

Sad? I consider it so, definitely.

 

If there's one thing that most sincerely does not lack, between my H and me, it is Trust.

He has never betrayed mine. And I have never betrayed his.

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Plenty of spouses let go with each other and end up getting kicked in the teeth emotionally. Marriage doesn't make anyone less human or fallible. I don't believe in trusting anyone completely no matter who they are.

 

Then the bad guys win :( .

 

There's no greater freedom to be gotten in a relationship than the ability to be open and vulnerable to our partner. I disagree with those that say trust is earned, I feel trust is awarded.

 

You'll have to decide if you're current beliefs benefit you in the long run...

 

Mr. Lucky

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BettyDraper
Smart? Yes, perhaps.

Sad? I consider it so, definitely.

 

If there's one thing that most sincerely does not lack, between my H and me, it is Trust.

He has never betrayed mine. And I have never betrayed his.

 

Others have also said that my inability to trust is sad. I see it as realizing that nobody is as safe as she thinks she is.

I guess that's what you refer to as smart thinking?

 

We may think that our husbands have never betrayed us but we can never truly know for sure.

After all, we aren't around them all the time and we have no desire to follow them around.

 

While I haven't discovered any infidelity or huge lies from my husband, I guess I could say that his past behavior was a betrayal of sorts. Back then, I was much more open and loving. To answer your earlier question, my husband's affection does not always lead to sex. He often wants to hold me or be affectionate in other ways just to have me close to him.

 

Today I had awful cramps so I didn't exercise as I planned to. I just rested and stayed in my pajamas. I apologized to my husband for looking so awful when he came home. He didn't care. He just asked me if I was okay and brought me the heating pad for my stomach. We cuddled in bed since that's what my husband likes every evening when he comes home.

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RecentChange

My trust has been betrayed - and yet I trust again. I choose to trust, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I could not let go and trust.

 

Again....perhaps it is because the betrayal was in the form of cheating, nor mental or physical abuse (I will not tolerate those under any circumstance).

 

I equate it to the whole "rather love and lost, than never loved at all"

 

I don't see how you could allow your husband to love you completely, or how you could love him back, with affection (and volnerablilty) if you can not trust him with your heart.

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BettyDraper
Then the bad guys win :( .

 

There's no greater freedom to be gotten in a relationship than the ability to be open and vulnerable to our partner. I disagree with those that say trust is earned, I feel trust is awarded.

 

You'll have to decide if you're current beliefs benefit you in the long run...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The only benefit I can see is I will be protected when or if our marriage doesn't work out. I am open about my feelings but vulnerability is quite scary. If vulnerability can lead to being hurt badly, then I don't see the freedom such a risky proposition. To be honest, I'm shocked that I even managed to get married since I swore that I would never marry when I was younger.

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BettyDraper
My trust has been betrayed - and yet I trust again. I choose to trust, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I could not let go and trust.

 

Again....perhaps it is because the betrayal was in the form of cheating, nor mental or physical abuse (I will not tolerate those under any circumstance).

 

I equate it to the whole "rather love and lost, than never loved at all"

 

I don't see how you could allow your husband to love you completely, or how you could love him back, with affection (and volnerablilty) if you can not trust him with your heart.

 

The severe emotional and physical abuse that I suffered was during my childhood and also some abusive relationships that I was in. My husband was never abusive but he was cold before and also self centred as well as inconsiderate. To his credit, he is a completely different person now.

 

It's very common for significant abuse history to cause long term problems with trusting. Again, this is why it's hard to me to convey my feelings to someone who cannot relate. Unless you've been through the same types of pain, you will oversimplify relationship issues that result from trauma.

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BettyDraper
Your very wise to not trust others. Always protect yourself as that other person can leave you at any point or hurt you. I don't trust anyone completely either and never will. You are very smart.

 

I don't know if my lack of trust is smart but it certainly feels wise. When people say things like "My wife would never cheat on me!" or "My husband would never hurt me!" I tend to think they are too naive to understand that everyone has a dark side to them. We never know anyone completely or what they are capable of.

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RecentChange

Hum....

 

I get what you are saying, you have been so hurt by childhood, and other traumas, that you just can't open yourself up to the possibility of them again.

 

For me, and other people that have not been so traumatized - I RATHER be hurt by betrayal, than live my life protecting myself from the possible hurt.

 

I was once told a metaphor - Love is like a vessel. The more you fill it, the larger this vessel grows - [ie, the more you love, the larger your capacity for love.]

 

And conversely, the larger the vessel, the larger the capacity for sorrow, and pain when that love is lost (via betrayal, death what have you).

 

It takes courage to open yourself up to that kind of possible / eventual pain - (ALL relationships will end, be it divorce death etc).

 

I rather have a great big vessel, full of love, and all of the joy, contentment etc that come with trust and love.... knowing full well that will increase the amount of pain I very well may experience at some point.

 

I rather have that big vessel, with all of its risks - then a tiny one. A small vessel that has been closed off, and kept small, to limit any potential hurt (which also means limiting its capacity for love).

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Believe me I know hard it is to trust and especially trust somebody of the opposite sex but every day I am happy I decided to stop being scared and completely trust my wife. If you let past abuse stop you from enjoying a good relationship then they win.

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