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The question is for cohabitating UNmarried couples: how do you deal with common expenses (rent, food, utilities etc)? Do you calculate proportional to usage?

 

We used to split 50/50, however, I start getting very resentful since I noticed he's putting personal items (cosmetics etc) on our shared bills. I've NEVER done so. Not a huge amount but it adds up. Also he eats home from the 'common' supplies for lunch, while I'm paying food out everyday.

 

Also, things like cable etc - shall they be paid by the person who decided to get them? I was splitting 50/50 again but I NEVER watch tv on my own, just when he's there as a couple's activity because that's what he likes.

 

I feel like he'll suck me dry long term if I let small things like this accumulate, but on the other side - it looks petty to start the conversation (I did recently, but I was very angry, so I regret it)

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I feel like he'll suck me dry long term if I let small things like this accumulate, but on the other side - it looks petty to start the conversation (I did recently, but I was very angry, so I regret it)

 

I have the feeling this is about something bigger than a few dollars worth of groceries. And if you're "very angry", time to address the real issues rather than chipping away at the edges.

 

If you're just roommates, it makes sense to pursue a careful accounting of expenses since sharing the space is a financial arrangement.

 

But if you're a couple, there's a give/take involved in finances - and other things - that assumes common interests and an "us" approach rather than "you/me". If you can't comfortably find a middle ground, that's an indication the problems go beyond who ate the most potato chips...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Honestly I was very angry exactly because HE treats it as a financial agreement - he acknowledged happily how great the financial situation is from the time he's charging his expenses on me.

 

For me though is a little loss every month. So it is not a symbiosis but a parasitism so to speak...

 

I have goals in mind (purchasing a home in months of time), and I just don't see him being willing / able to be an equal partner in this pursuit... He says he wants to be part of it, and on the other side - spends money like crazy on 'working out and hanging out'. I'm nearly a decade younger than him, have my sh*t together and just can't contemplate how he's so irresponsible towards the biggest financial commitment in my/our lives....

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losangelena
The question is for cohabitating UNmarried couples: how do you deal with common expenses (rent, food, utilities etc)? Do you calculate proportional to usage?

 

We used to split 50/50, however, I start getting very resentful since I noticed he's putting personal items (cosmetics etc) on our shared bills. I've NEVER done so. Not a huge amount but it adds up. Also he eats home from the 'common' supplies for lunch, while I'm paying food out everyday.

 

Also, things like cable etc - shall they be paid by the person who decided to get them? I was splitting 50/50 again but I NEVER watch tv on my own, just when he's there as a couple's activity because that's what he likes.

 

I feel like he'll suck me dry long term if I let small things like this accumulate, but on the other side - it looks petty to start the conversation (I did recently, but I was very angry, so I regret it)

 

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

 

Girl, you need to nip stuff like this in the bud immediately.

 

When he does things like add personal items onto shared bills, do you say, "hey that's your moisturizer (for example), I'm not paying for that?" or do you let it slide? Don't let it slide. Say something, make a joke about it if you need to, but don't say nothing. That's exactly how resentment starts.

 

And for things like cable, is that something you would get if you lived alone? If not, maybe that can be something that he just pays for. Have you asked if how he feels about it?

 

This may all feel petty to you, but this is exactly the time to be petty and work through this ish, because you both need to know how the other handles these kinds of disagreements.

 

To answer your initial question, my ex and I didn't officially cohabitate, but I spent about between 50 and 75% of my time at his. The only thing we ever sort of went in together on were groceries, and I don't know it all just sort of evened out. If I ever noticed that he was running low on toothpaste or body wash that I'd use, I'd buy him a new bottle. That kind of consideration is hopefully what's going on, though. Do you get the sense that your BF is tryna mooch off you?

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I'm not sure whether he's trying to mooch,most likely not.But he's opportunist - if he thinks he can get along with it, he'll do it, if I complain - he'll fix it immideately.

 

I'm just so sick and tired of my 'policewoman' role - needing to correct him so he can do things right. He says he otherwise can't 'read my mind' - which I find hilarious for obvious things.

 

Cable - I'd most likely opt out if I'm living alone. He did get cheaper package after I complained, but never offered paying it himself.

 

I multiple times contemplated a break up, but honestly he's a good partner in many other aspects, and whenever I raised concern - he attempted correcting himself... So I'm torn.

 

Communicate, communicate, communicate!

 

Girl, you need to nip stuff like this in the bud immediately.

 

When he does things like add personal items onto shared bills, do you say, "hey that's your moisturizer (for example), I'm not paying for that?" or do you let it slide? Don't let it slide. Say something, make a joke about it if you need to, but don't say nothing. That's exactly how resentment starts.

 

And for things like cable, is that something you would get if you lived alone? If not, maybe that can be something that he just pays for. Have you asked if how he feels about it?

 

This may all feel petty to you, but this is exactly the time to be petty and work through this ish, because you both need to know how the other handles these kinds of disagreements.

 

To answer your initial question, my ex and I didn't officially cohabitate, but I spent about between 50 and 75% of my time at his. The only thing we ever sort of went in together on were groceries, and I don't know it all just sort of evened out. If I ever noticed that he was running low on toothpaste or body wash that I'd use, I'd buy him a new bottle. That kind of consideration is hopefully what's going on, though. Do you get the sense that your BF is tryna mooch off you?

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Wookin Pa Nub

Why don't you create a joint account and each put $ in every month/quarter/year whenever. You both decide what is paid out of this account (rent, utilities, groceries, dining out, vacations) and what is not and should be paid out of separate accounts. Lay the ground rules up front.

 

 

If he wants cable, comes out of his own bank account. If he on average is eating more of the "joint" food bill then have him chip in more to the joint account.

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losangelena
I'm not sure whether he's trying to mooch,most likely not.But he's opportunist - if he thinks he can get along with it, he'll do it, if I complain - he'll fix it immideately.

 

I'm just so sick and tired of my 'policewoman' role - needing to correct him so he can do things right. He says he otherwise can't 'read my mind' - which I find hilarious for obvious things.

 

Cable - I'd most likely opt out if I'm living alone. He did get cheaper package after I complained, but never offered paying it himself.

 

I multiple times contemplated a break up, but honestly he's a good partner in many other aspects, and whenever I raised concern - he attempted correcting himself... So I'm torn.

 

Well, money is a very common relationship ruiner, so be aware of that. I think because of that, it takes an extra dose of communication.

 

I feel you that you'd rather he correct his behavior himself rather than you policing him, but at this point, I think it's within your best interest to be very frank about what you're willing to pay for and not pay for. Don't wait for him to say he'll pay for the cable—tell him you don't want to pay for it.

 

Also, these ARE legitimate grounds to consider breaking up over. You don't have to push these concerns aside just because he's great in all these other areas. More than his lack of consideration, I find your seemingly incompatible longterm goals troubling. You want to save to buy a house; he likes to spend money indiscriminately. How will these two sides reconcile? Have you wondered this?

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Yeah you're right - money are one of the hardest topic, and I think a common source for divorce.

 

Regarding house: I'm giving him 12 months 'trial period'. I clearly stated I am buying a house after the lease expires, but left open the option of his participation. If he decides to make changes in his lifestyle and chip to the down payment - the house will be common. If he doesn't - it will be mine and he'll pay me rent (even if we marry - there will be a prenup).

 

Does this sound reasonable or I'm setting for a disaster?

 

Well, money is a very common relationship ruiner, so be aware of that. I think because of that, it takes an extra dose of communication.

 

I feel you that you'd rather he correct his behavior himself rather than you policing him, but at this point, I think it's within your best interest to be very frank about what you're willing to pay for and not pay for. Don't wait for him to say he'll pay for the cable—tell him you don't want to pay for it.

 

Also, these ARE legitimate grounds to consider breaking up over. You don't have to push these concerns aside just because he's great in all these other areas. More than his lack of consideration, I find your seemingly incompatible longterm goals troubling. You want to save to buy a house; he likes to spend money indiscriminately. How will these two sides reconcile? Have you wondered this?

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Gah ....I hate to sound patronizing N_G but this kind of drama surrounding shared finances and cohabitation is exactly why you shouldn't cohabitate.

 

On a more practical note, please don't move him into your new house with you. That might actually be your escape hatch right there.

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Ugh I agree. This cohabitation thing turn to be a pain in the backside.

 

So to make it clear - we had a numerous discussions and the new house (my purchase, most likely individual, not shared) will be in 2017.

 

The issue is how to bridge the time - I think he clearly wants to keep cohabitating since thenn, but I'm less and less inclined of renewing a lease with him.... maybe I'd work around a month-to-month arrangement.

 

Gah ....I hate to sound patronizing N_G but this kind of drama surrounding shared finances and cohabitation is exactly why you shouldn't cohabitate.

 

On a more practical note, please don't move him into your new house with you. That might actually be your escape hatch right there.

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Ugh I agree. This cohabitation thing turn to be a pain in the backside.

 

So to make it clear - we had a numerous discussions and the new house (my purchase, most likely individual, not shared) will be in 2017.

 

The issue is how to bridge the time - I think he clearly wants to keep cohabitating since thenn, but I'm less and less inclined of renewing a lease with him.... maybe I'd work around a month-to-month arrangement.

 

When does your lease expire? I'd just take a pass on renewing jointly and suck it up til then - don't broach the topic of squaring up anymore, just eat the losses.

 

If he can't handle that, oh well. You actually don't want to set any precedent for moving into the house with you, and signing another lease might do that, so there's all the more reason not to.

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salparadise
But if you're a couple, there's a give/take involved in finances - and other things - that assumes common interests and an "us" approach rather than "you/me". If you can't comfortably find a middle ground, that's an indication the problems go beyond who ate the most potato chips...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky nailed it here. If I had a live-in girlfriend who was counting pennies and looking for opportunities to highlight little inequities I'd lose patience pretty quick. Nothing could more annoying than having to second guess how she's going to feel about you making yourself a sandwich––unh, that would never work for me.

 

As for the cable TV... why don't you just suggest you cut it and see if he's willing. This may be an imaginary problem. It really is a waste of money when you can get local channels over the air and netflix for a few bucks a month. If not, use it to initiate a high level discussion on finances and goals, but don't nitpick the small stuff. That's going to be a problem in my opinion.

 

Are you planning on buying a house together but not marrying? If that's what's in the works I'd say you'd best rethink. You might be fundamentally incompatible in the financial realm, in which case you'll almost certainly have a lot of dissatisfaction trying to own a house together.

 

The tone of your post has quite an edge to it. To make it work you'll have to compromise, and that means two-way not one-way. If I were him and you talked to me with the tone exhibited in your posts I'd see that as a huge red flag.

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2 months are left, counting from today, on the current lease (and all the rent is paid for that time, so we have only the shared smaller expenses to sort out for the time being)

 

How signing another lease may give him ground for moving in a house that I own later? I'm just curious am I missing something from legal perspective - e.g. are there common law marriage rules or something like that after living together for X amount of time?

 

When does your lease expire? I'd just take a pass on renewing jointly and suck it up til then - don't broach the topic of squaring up anymore, just eat the losses.

 

If he can't handle that, oh well. You actually don't want to set any precedent for moving into the house with you, and signing another lease might do that, so there's all the more reason not to.

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2 months are left, counting from today, on the current lease (and all the rent is paid for that time, so we have only the shared smaller expenses to sort out for the time being)

 

How signing another lease may give him ground for moving in a house that I own later? I'm just curious am I missing something from legal perspective - e.g. are there common law marriage rules or something like that after living together for X amount of time?

 

No, not legal, sorry. Just from a practical point of view - it wouldn't exactly be irrational for him to assume he'd be moving into your house too if you signed a joint lease as the step before the house move.

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Oh ok, that's a relief. I'd square it away tonight in any case, but I'm not a huge fan of signing a new lease anyway - I'd prefer a month-to-month arrangement while hunting for house (which I think can take 6-12 months, could be quicker but I'm slowing down on purpose to make/break this relationship in the meanwhile).

 

The un part is his family seems eager for us to stay together, so this maybe a way for him to match my contribution somewhat... IDK if I like this option though...

 

No, not legal, sorry. Just from a practical point of view - it wouldn't exactly be irrational for him to assume he'd be moving into your house too if you signed a joint lease as the step before the house move.
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Mr Lucky nailed it here. If I had a live-in girlfriend who was counting pennies and looking for opportunities to highlight little inequities I'd lose patience pretty quick.

 

Yes, but she's keeping an eye on her expenses so that she can save for a down payment on a house. Not wanting to pay for his cosmetics, half his cable bill, etc. is not unreasonable considering the circumstances. Every penny she spends on his personal items is a penny not going into her savings.

 

Remember, she said she is buying the house in her own right, with or without him coming along.

 

No_Go, talk to a lawyer before you decide how to handle the down payment. If he contributes to the down payment and pays you monthly to live there, it could give him a legal claim on the house in the event you split up.

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Yeah, when we moved in he had nearly $200 cable bill which was outrageous. Now he cut it to $100ish, I haven't checked what is in the plan because I don't care about TV at all, to my understanding it is the high speed of i-net that he wanted to keep.

 

I DO feel like this for making sandwitch - he keeping me in dark and charging random bills in the end of the month.... HE is the penny pincher, I just lost patience.

 

Regarding hose buying - if we're NOT married/planning to get married in due course - it will be on my name, he will be the renter.

 

It is absolutely up to him if he wants to contribute to the purchase - I'll buy it anyway because I want the security for myself.

The tone of your post has quite an edge to it. To make it work you'll have to compromise, and that means two-way not one-way. If I were him and you talked to me with the tone exhibited in your posts I'd see that as a huge red flag.
- I fully admit I was VERY angry towards him in the past few conversations. He remained very cool - like holding my hand and waiting me to calm down. I don't know if this is a good thing or a red flag as well (he's willing to suck up discomfort for future comfortable living on my expense :( )

 

Mr Lucky nailed it here. If I had a live-in girlfriend who was counting pennies and looking for opportunities to highlight little inequities I'd lose patience pretty quick. Nothing could more annoying than having to second guess how she's going to feel about you making yourself a sandwich––unh, that would never work for me.

 

As for the cable TV... why don't you just suggest you cut it and see if he's willing. This may be an imaginary problem. It really is a waste of money when you can get local channels over the air and netflix for a few bucks a month. If not, use it to initiate a high level discussion on finances and goals, but don't nitpick the small stuff. That's going to be a problem in my opinion.

 

Are you planning on buying a house together but not marrying? If that's what's in the works I'd say you'd best rethink. You might be fundamentally incompatible in the financial realm, in which case you'll almost certainly have a lot of dissatisfaction trying to own a house together.

 

The tone of your post has quite an edge to it. To make it work you'll have to compromise, and that means two-way not one-way. If I were him and you talked to me with the tone exhibited in your posts I'd see that as a huge red flag.

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N_G, this is one of those times you need to tell your rational mind to shut up and just listen to your intuition. :) Is there anything about the way this whole situation feels that says he'll do a 180 and make a good domestic partner in the future?

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Yes, I'm more and more thinking - unless married - he shouldn't contribute to the down payment, but paying rent (as a regular tenant) - yes. I need to ask a lawyer how to handle this risk-free...

 

Yes, but she's keeping an eye on her expenses so that she can save for a down payment on a house. Not wanting to pay for his cosmetics, half his cable bill, etc. is not unreasonable considering the circumstances. Every penny she spends on his personal items is a penny not going into her savings.

 

Remember, she said she is buying the house in her own right, with or without him coming along.

 

No_Go, talk to a lawyer before you decide how to handle the down payment. If he contributes to the down payment and pays you monthly to live there, it could give him a legal claim on the house in the event you split up.

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Jen, I almost broke up with him a month ago.

 

HE probably sensed the upcoming conversation, because when I returned from my flight ready to break it, he said something in lines 'I'll show you I deserve your trust in the next few months' - and actually did make changes after that (like payed all his debt that bothered me greatly, make schedule shifts etc)

 

I don't know is that a real deal, a con strategy or what - my intuition is not working well in this situation (and I'm usually fast to spot conmen - enjoyed a few of those in the past :D).

 

I feel like he's genuine, just clueless... I could be wrong.

 

 

 

N_G, this is one of those times you need to tell your rational mind to shut up and just listen to your intuition. :) Is there anything about the way this whole situation feels that says he'll do a 180 and make a good domestic partner in the future?
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Jen, I almost broke up with him a month ago.

 

HE probably sensed the upcoming conversation, because when I returned from my flight ready to break it, he said something in lines 'I'll show you I deserve your trust in the next few months' - and actually did make changes after that (like payed all his debt that bothered me greatly, make schedule shifts etc)

 

I don't know is that a real deal, a con strategy or what - my intuition is not working well in this situation (and I'm usually fast to spot conmen - enjoyed a few of those in the past :D).

 

I feel like he's genuine, just clueless... I could be wrong.

 

If you needed him to make a $5000 cash deposit into your bank, would you hand over the money and trust him to do it?

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Yes, I'm more and more thinking - unless married - he shouldn't contribute to the down payment, but paying rent (as a regular tenant) - yes. I need to ask a lawyer how to handle this risk-free...

 

It's different state by state, but I know here if he were to contribute to the down payment, live in the house and contribute toward the mortgage payment, he would be considered part owner regardless of who is listed on the deed and mortgage.

 

If I were you, I'd buy the house solely on my own. If he moves in and pays you rent, get a lease to clearly spell out terms and conditions.

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I would not be concerned for that - as said he is an opportunist regarding small expenses (dinners, personal items) but I 100% trust he won't steal from me.

 

If you needed him to make a $5000 cash deposit into your bank, would you hand over the money and trust him to do it?
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I would not be concerned for that - as said he is an opportunist regarding small expenses (dinners, personal items) but I 100% trust he won't steal from me.

 

Ok well that's a positive then. :)

 

I'd still be wary about the house. Whether it grants ownership or not, the moment he actually becomes a resident there it'll grant him rights, which means you can't just toss him one day if he gets on your nerves or starts having dope parties every night or decides to paint the kitchen orange or whatever. Why anyone would do that is a mystery to me when you could just have them over every night if you want, or vice versa.

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Why anyone would do that is a mystery to me when you could just have them over every night if you want, or vice versa
- convenience on one side (he was driving me everywhere before, I didn't feel comfortable), but in big picture - as a test, because if ever kids come in the game the cohabitation becomes almost inevitable.

 

Ok well that's a positive then. :)

 

I'd still be wary about the house. Whether it grants ownership or not, the moment he actually becomes a resident there it'll grant him rights, which means you can't just toss him one day if he gets on your nerves or starts having dope parties every night or decides to paint the kitchen orange or whatever. Why anyone would do that is a mystery to me when you could just have them over every night if you want, or vice versa.

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