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Marriage - An outdated concept?


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LookAtThisPOst

This is an interesting article...

 

"Why I am not marriage material"

 

To summarize, shes' in hear early 40, been married 11 years, divorced at age 30. (Means she's been married since her early 20s). Has an adult daughter. She's resolved herself to never marrying again and it isn't because the last man she was with was an abuser, drug addict, adulterer or anything that made them miserable...but simply due to the fact they "evolved / changed".

 

I think she's writing this based on THOSE marriages that weren't miserable, but these are the ones that stem from the, "We grew apart" or "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you anymore." Stuff like that.

 

These are the situations where it may wind up even amicable. It's not like "I had to get out, my spouse was a prick!"

 

But she has surmised that people do change as they grow older and the inevitably of divorce will always be there...so why get married? At least...again...with her.

 

Though she claims to be happy either single or a finite amount of companionship. Basically, a few boyfriends that last a few years and then they come and go, which she seems to be rather contended on just that. The inevitable, "Come and go boyfriend", though monogamous, that will eventually end.

 

I think some people who have surmised that the fact that they aren't marriage material resolved themselves to just having a boyfriend/girlfriend as long as that person is okay with not ever getting married to them. That a relationship, given enough time, WILL eventually deteriorate no matter who your with.

 

So that said, she's chosen a lifestyle where boyfriends come and go, but never a marriage will happen.

 

Would some of you be content on just living your entire life with just female/male romances that never wind up in marriage?

 

Those here who ARE married now, would you be biased in saying that this woman is correct? Would you be biased as a married person to disagree that "Nothing lasts forever" when it comes to marriage or even relationships for that matter?

 

Sometimes I wonder, "Yeah, I'll meet a woman, date her for x amount of years, usually its the single digits for most...and then move on in the fashion as even regular friends grow apart."

 

Thoughts?

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[This is almost my exact experience.

 

Loved dearly my highschool sweetheart and married at 20, divorced at 31. We changed a lot and i wasnt happy but there was no abuse or ill feeling. Guess i was bored.

We had 2 children tgat we successfully coparented.

 

Had a toxic 12 year rship that i had to escape. Enjoy the company of men as friends and most partners get jealous and controlling. I have wide interests and enjoy solitude too. I dont suit marriage as long term future plans to me feel suffocating. I love the romance of having a boyfriend who also has same lookout. If we end up together for rest of our lives it is just the accumulation of happy times without having to "own" each other. We have been together four years and never tainted it with talks of forever. He once asked me what would I say if he asked me to marry him I paused and with a grin I said "but I thought you loved me". He replied with a grin too.

 

QUOTE=LookAtThisPOst;6790486]This is an interesting article...

 

"Why I am not marriage material"

 

To summarize, shes' in hear early 40, been married 11 years, divorced at age 30. (Means she's been married since her early 20s). Has an adult daughter. She's resolved herself to never marrying again and it isn't because the last man she was with was an abuser, drug addict, adulterer or anything that made them miserable...but simply due to the fact they "evolved / changed".

 

I think she's writing this based on THOSE marriages that weren't miserable, but these are the ones that stem from the, "We grew apart" or "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you anymore." Stuff like that.

 

These are the situations where it may wind up even amicable. It's not like "I had to get out, my spouse was a prick!"

 

But she has surmised that people do change as they grow older and the inevitably of divorce will always be there...so why get married? At least...again...with her.

 

Though she claims to be happy either single or a finite amount of companionship. Basically, a few boyfriends that last a few years and then they come and go, which she seems to be rather contended on just that. The inevitable, "Come and go boyfriend", though monogamous, that will eventually end.

 

I think some people who have surmised that the fact that they aren't marriage material resolved themselves to just having a boyfriend/girlfriend as long as that person is okay with not ever getting married to them. That a relationship, given enough time, WILL eventually deteriorate no matter who your with.

 

So that said, she's chosen a lifestyle where boyfriends come and go, but never a marriage will happen.

 

Would some of you be content on just living your entire life with just female/male romances that never wind up in marriage?

 

Those here who ARE married now, would you be biased in saying that this woman is correct? Would you be biased as a married person to disagree that "Nothing lasts forever" when it comes to marriage or even relationships for that matter?

 

Sometimes I wonder, "Yeah, I'll meet a woman, date her for x amount of years, usually its the single digits for most...and then move on in the fashion as even regular friends grow apart."

 

Thoughts?

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Hi Look, I once suggested in the General Relationship section that considering the high rate of divorces and the phenomenon of people changing substantially over a period of time and outgrowing each other that there should be a system of decaying marriages where people get married for an initial period of seven years as that seems to be the period when women mostly get an itch to get out of s committed relationship and try something new. After the seven year period I had said that the marriage would automatically be null and void and the two people involved could go their own way. The proviso was that they would defer having children or if children were born then just as in a divorce an amicable arrangement of co parenting them could be worked out. If the partners decided that they wanted to stay together for a further seven years they would have to renew their vows. If they still wanted to stay together they could choose s permanent arrangement or go for another seven years. This way they could retain their eventual right to freedom in case things went sour.

However the concept was shot down by most people as they said that this would give a licence to people to go in for serial marriages and so on and so forth. The point is no one holds a gun to the head of a couple to get married. It is done by free choice. If you do not like to be married well there is the provision of divorce or separation. If you do not like the concept of marriage well do not get married. There are any number of people who have remained single and are happy. For some people marriage provides stability and a purpose to their lives. However in an increasingly materialistic world people are becoming more and more self contained, depending on materislistic crutches for support and satisfaction. The fact is that men and women are complementary. When a man and woman are united in love and form a bond as a married couple they form a whole,: a completeness which is a stable entity. If you have an idea of chemistry / physics you will know that the simplest atom(hydrogen) has a nucleus which has a neutron at its center with a proton associated with it and an electron in orbit around it something like the earth in orbit around the sun. If the electron gets knocked off from its orbit the hydrogen atom is unstable and searches for an electron to complete its stability. I would think that a man or woman unattached would br similarly unstable in the sense that such people develop certain idiosyncracies which set them apart from normal well adjusted people who are married. I may be wrong but I do think that completeness in a human being can only be achieved if the two different components ke a man and a woman come together. As han beings we have the gift of intelligence and the power to make choices. We may choose to live as single beings. However Nature has instilled in us a need to complete the two halves it created and this need often overcomes our carefully orchestrated plans. Marriage or common law relationships abound inspire of all their frailties and humsns will have to undergo a comlete evolutionary change before single entities can thrive in this world.

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Amongst my friends I have proposed an idea that I think suits the modern situation.

a) people may choose to pair bond for life via marriage, but as it is 'death do us part' there should be no divorce. The strange thing is that although you can commit to live and share assets, you CANNOT promise to love someone, if you do, it may just be lipservice.

 

b) a series of contractual arrangements, lets call them short- medium term leases of say 2 or 5 years which, like commercial leases, can be renewed, with or without further negotiations at the conclusion of each period. If there is no renewal, assets should be divided appropriately and each go their own way. Provsions for children unrelated to assets.

 

the thing I like about this model is that if you knew that your partner may terminate the agreement effortlessly, would both parties try harder to meet needs and be considerate, too often with 'lifelong partnerships', one or other party simply takes the other for granted. This is where appreciation and excitement die, and so do the loving feelings that sustain true affection.

 

in the lease model, you can also issue 'breach' notices if one partner is not keeping their end of agreement.. could be sex, romance, tidyness, spending etc.

 

Marriage has traditionally been an economic contract between parties. THis has worked for centuries.. the idea that romance is a necessary part of marriage complicates the economic relationships.

 

There are many many happily married people, they have found their soul mates, they are financially responsible, they understand how to meet each other's needs. I see these people as the exception rather than the rule and while we can admire them, it is has proven to be an unrealistic model for most people to exemplify.

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For me, I've seen too much and experienced too much to fully my entrust my life to anyone ever again. Not only have I been burned too many times, I have seen too many miserable marriages. I would prefer to be a hermit living under a bridge than be stuck with some jerk who lies or cheats or hits or screams or demeans or controls or anything else designed to make my life a living hell. I know of too many people who would give their right arm to get out of the mess they're in.

 

Marriage may be for some but I have written it off.

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People either grow together or grow apart. It is a choice for both people, therefore marriage makes perfect sense for those of us who want to evolve and share our lives. My wife and I are drama free and deeply in love and committed to each other. Our behavior towards each other determine whether we choose to continue a loving, monogamous marriage. We choose that commitment everyday.

Marriage is an ongoing choice,

Grumps

Edited by Grumpybutfun
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I can't say if I will get married again, and I don't think it's wise to say you will or won't get married. How can you know? How can you predict the future?

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WaitingForBardot

What I think is sometimes lost sight of is that many marriages actually do work. I am in no way saying or implying that someone should get married if they don't feel it's right for them, I'm not, but to write off marriage in general simply because many do not work out is a bit shortsighted.

 

Even if, for example just making up numbers here, excluding marriages that should not be for various reasons, only 40% of marriages work, that's 40%! That's a lot. My relationships have worked for the most part and, perhaps not surprisingly, my marriage has worked too. If my wife were to kick me to the curb, because I certainly will not be leaving her before I die, I'm confident I'd be in another relationship before too long, and if it progressed the way mine have in the past I would likely be married in a few years once again.

 

Part of it I think is that I was raised in an era where getting married was the norm and expected evolution of a relationship, so that mindset is incorporated in my thinking...

 

...and I am in fact marriage material.

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Would some of you be content on just living your entire life with just female/male romances that never wind up in marriage?

 

That sounds heavenly to me. :D

 

Speaking of heaven - Jesus said there'll be no marriage in the resurrection (Matthew 22:30) and Paul said it's good to be single (1 Corinthians 7:8). I always try to keep that in mind. :D

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People either grow together or grow apart. It is a choice for both people, therefore marriage makes perfect sense for those of us who want to evolve and share our lives. My wife and I are drama free and deeply in love and committed to each other. Our behavior towards each other determine whether we choose to continue a loving, monogamous marriage. We choose that commitment everyday.

Marriage is an ongoing choice,

Grumps

 

Great post! I couldn't have said it better myself.

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Rejected Rosebud

I think what has happened it, that it's now socially acceptable to be unmarried so it's a choice people are free to make without much fear of an onus from society. It doesn't mean that marriage is outdated.

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I am perfectly happy to be married. We are celebrating our 20 year anniversary this year. We have grown ever closer through the years. If a tragedy occurred and I lost my wife, I would not rule out another marriage.

 

I don't think it's always just a matter of growing apart. I think people often simply stop putting much effort into their marriage so it grows stale. Younger married couples often have a need for instant gratification and don't always feel obligated to put in the necessary effort.

 

I'm not saying that marriage is hard, just that it does take an ability to think outside of your own comfort zone. My marriage has been very easy for me. After two kids, things did get into a rut and that's when we decided to start dating each other again. Problem solved.

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There's no right or wrong answer when it comes to single vs. married. I, for one, wish to be married some day. So, I only date men who hope for the same.

 

I have lots of examples of long-lasting, deeply loving, mutually satisfying, happy marriages around me. That's what I seek. With each relationship, I learn how to be a better partner, and gain a better idea of what I need in a potential spouse. I'm sure I'll eventually meet the right guy. It just takes time and patience.

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I've been on a nostalgia travel jag this morning and will put marriage, having been married and the product of a life long marriage, into that context.

 

That was then and this is now

 

Life's paths, and relationships, are far less rigid and more free-form now. People, in general, define their own relationships and value and pay less attention to society's norms.

 

Having lived both lives in that linked picture, as well as a few others, and kinda laughing at myself along the way, I can see value in the various paths we choose in life. It is what it is. For some, it's a life-long marriage; for others, serial marriages; for others, free-form partnerships; for others, the single life. Our mortality defines the destination. Enjoy the journey.

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ShatteredLady

When I was in my teens, early 20's I got into this mindset that I would never marry. If I had children it would be insemination or adoption. Silly idea for me really. I'm not that kind of person at all!

 

Even though I've travelled a lot, I have friends that I've had all of my life. I have a dedicated family. My true fantasy is to live in an ancestral home where generation after generations pictures hang on the walls & we all know the family stories.

 

I have a friend who sees my fantasy as the ultimate nightmare! She would like to move every 7 years leaving everything & starting new. I have things in my house that my parents bought when they were dating 65 years ago!

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with marriage just a lot of people enter into it when they're 'everything new every 7 years' people & not 'forever & ever' people.

 

I've said before that I worked in an industry where so many people cheated. I've realized that we're at 'that' age. That's something that particularly disgusts me with my H behavior. He knew the utter contempt I held for 'those' people.

 

In my 20's I saw the middle aged guys who went down the pub on a Friday & the company functions trying to hit on all the young women at work as repulsive & pathetic. I held respect for the few who were loyal to their families...& heartbroken when some of them professed their love for me!!

 

Everyone knew who was having an affair with who. Us 'young ones' laughed at those sneaking off at lunchtime thinking the no one knew. We knew where the favorite spots were to park cars & fiddle with eachother.

I never understood how a self respecting woman could be getting her tights & knickers off in the front seat while he moved the baby seat from the back!! Ugh! (They didn't realize you could see the park & woods from the top floor of the pub!)

 

Us young ones were so superior, so romantic, so different. Now we're 'that' generation. Sad. :(

 

I'm rambling. I have friends who have never married. Some would of liked to. Some knew themselves well enough to never promise 'forever' about anything.

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Would some of you be content on just living your entire life with just female/male romances that never wind up in marriage?

 

Yes, totally. I've been living with my partner since 1993 and we're perfectly content being defacto. Our kids are fine with it, society is fine with it and our relationship has legal recognition. Why bother with marriage when it's all good?

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Marrying for "love" is a fairly new concept in the human experience, and it comes with a high failure rate. When you fall in love you can also fall out of love. Marriage works for some people but not for most people.

 

I don't recall who the person was who said that marriage is a dumb idea because statistics show that about half of marriages end in divorce. That doesn't mean that the other half is the embodiment of marital success, because as time goes on they're only making each other miserable by fighting like Israelis vs. Palestinians. So yes, people do grow apart....it's inevitable.

 

A lifetime of monogamy is also a difficult thing to demand from couples. As a single guy I can honestly say that I don't trust married women, and I'm speaking from experience. There are women pulling the wool over their husbands eyes out there who from outward appearances seem to be respectable and model wives/mothers.

Edited by portwine
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Marriage is totally outdated. Monogamy went out the door the second we all got sexually active....o wait....

 

Humans aren't meant to have sex with one person, we are meant to reproduce with several different genes, so more than one man or women, in order to keep the species going.

 

It declined when women joined the workforce, it declined when sperm banks were established.

 

God knows who invented marriage - probably religion as genetic control.

Edited by Dolfin80
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Would some of you be content on just living your entire life with just female/male romances that never wind up in marriage?

 

Those here who ARE married now, would you be biased in saying that this woman is correct? Would you be biased as a married person to disagree that "Nothing lasts forever" when it comes to marriage or even relationships for that matter?

 

Thoughts?

 

At my age, 40, I wouldn't be content with a series of temporary relationships. I did that when I was younger. It was fun, but not nearly as awesome as being married has been. After a while, I wanted something deeper that had meaning beyond hanging out, chatting, and having sex.

 

No, nothing lasts forever. But a good marriage between two people who are compatible and committed can last a lifetime.

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MissCongeniality

Before I met my husband I use to think marriage was meal ticket. I've been married twice (they were like quick marriages and the guys were idiots) before him both were jerks and I knew this going in and I married them with the intention of divorcing them. i never cared about them and I'm glad they were abusive towards me because it makes me feel no guilt.

 

However I ended up meeting a genuinely nice guy in my third marriage and I fell for him and now I'm paying the price for my actions. The point I'm making is if ten or eleven years ago someone told me I'd be struggling to earn a man's forgiveness much less unable to imagine my life without him and that I was afraid of losing my marriage I would have laughed.

 

Marriage is not outdated it matters it's symbolic of two people becoming one. It's a beautiful thing that's been tainted by naive and spoiled brats that think something is "out dated".

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Mrs. John Adams

We have been married 44 years...my parents have been married 61 years.

Our son has been married 12 years and our daughter 10 years to husband number 2.

 

I still believe in marriage...weddings have sort of become bigger than what the marriage stands for but ultimately....I think people still want stability and continuity and dependability....and above all to be comfortable.

 

I love being able to be myself...to know that I am loved for who I am...I love laying wrapped in his arms...and feeling safe. I love knowing that there is one person...who truly has my back.

 

I believe in Marriage....and we are living proof that in spite of hardships...it is not only alive and well....it is flourishing

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BettyDraper

Like many choices, marriage is a gamble because nobody knows what life will bring them. I do believe that too many couples throw away marriage far too easily. Divorcing because of boredom is unacceptable in my eyes.

 

Love is a verb and a choice. What keeps a married couple together over the years is friendship and a commitment to the marriage. I've only been married for five years and our first two years were very hard. I'm glad that I didn't walk away like I wanted to. My husband and I have been together for almost a decade...we can't wait to celebrate that milestone.

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ShatteredLady

I've never understood the argument that genetically we're not meant to pair off & be monogamous. Some animals are. I'm NOT playing devils advocate. I truly don't understand the assertion.

 

We have particularly vulnerable, totally reliant young, for a very, very long time. Isn't the driving force of nature to reproduce itself & keep its offspring alive to carry-on it's genes? (The genetic imperative) For human beings that takes 2 adults....well in did back at the dawn of the race.

 

Surely it's not logical in an evolutionary way to produce lots of babies with different mates because they'd all die! To escape predators the adults need to carry & run with the babies. Our species was nomadic. It's not until the settled, farming stage that lots of kids made sense.

 

There's no evidence that we lived like lions (for example) with one male & lots of females. I know some cultures developed to be like that but that's social not genetic.

 

I'm just interested.

 

The argument seems to be that we 'invented' marriage. It seems more logical that permanent coupling was genetically necessary (we didn't live long) & now, if marriage is becoming obsolete it's social NOT reverting to our 'nature' or genes. Rather frequently changing partners & promiscuity is a symptom of our instant gratification, shallow momentary 'happiness' of the high, kind of culture.

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ShatteredLady

I think reasons for marriage are sometimes viewed differently by people who are single later in age.

 

I met my H when I was 21 & we married when I was 26 (he's 1 year older than me). We were together & married for all the romantic, love story reasons. At that age it NEVER once crossed my mind if my H was good husband material. He couldn't drive when I met him. He didn't have any money, no career, no 'social standing' etc. It doesn't matter when you're kids & we were kids!!

 

I believe in love, romance & family & think a lot of people get married for those reasons & always will. :love:

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Genetic evolution. When u procreate using the same genes you have a greater chance of passing the same mutations to the offspring.

 

If you have different genes each procreation less chance of passing on the same genetic mutation.

 

It's good to reproduce with different genes, survival of the species.

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