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Fixing a broken marriage


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Been married to my wife for 1 year, together for 12. Both 31. We've always loved eachother, still do.

 

The last 4 months everything has turned upside down. I noticed she became distant & it started to make me worry. I suspected there was an affair and sure enough I found out via text messages there was. It was purely emotional and not physical. I Confronted her about it and we both broke down. She hates herself for it as she prides herself on being a loyal person by nature.

 

She explained she was starving for effection and someone from work was willing to give it to her so she took it. She explained that I care about my friends more then her and didn't put her no.1. Which in some ways is true (inadvertantly) but as 12 years on, it's easy to become complacent. (No excuse)

I've accepted full responsibility and apologised for my selfishness.

I've always made time for her but the last time I hurt her with some plans I had to cancel she said it was going to be the last time and emotionally checked out.

I became clingy and tried to win her back and only made things worse. Since then she has cut off all communication with the other guy and is trying work it through but feels sad every day and has a huge emotional wall up from me.

Sex is no longer and I get a few cuddles on the couch but the distance is evident and her sadness hasn't subsided.

we get along ok and are civil but it's all on the surface. I miss her so much and crave her love.

She said she is too scared to get hurt again and won't let her gaurd down.

I've been as loving and supportive as possible but she thinks as soon as she lets her gaurd down I'll go back to my old ways. i truly feel this had made me grow up and have a hard look at myself and I'm ready to be an amazing partner but Im not sure if I'm too late.

She says she hates herself for what she did and doesn't know how to forgive herself, or how to forgive me but says she still loves me very much.

She struggles to communicate effectively which makes things harder.

We tried theropy but she found it painful and doesn't want to go back. I'm trying to give her space but also show that I've changed and that she's the love of my life. I'm really trying to focus on myself and be a better person but

It's a tough situation and I never know what she's thinking.

Any advice on some steps I can take to help save this marriage and break down these emotional barriers.

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Ask her what she wants you to do.

 

 

Without being clingy have you tried straight up romance? Flowers? Drawing her a hot bubble bath? Offering her a foot massage? Send her a snail mail card telling her you love her. Hide a small gift (candy bar or something similar) in her coat pocket.

 

 

Go all out for V day (but tell her in advance that you are planning this). Make it all about her.

 

 

End the night by watching your wedding video assuming you have one. She may need to hear the vows again to remember you made a lifetime commitment that is worth fighting for.

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Do not accept the blame like that. She needs to make major changes too, especially to figure out how she gave herself permission to this. Emotional affairs are devastating. The first reaction of a cheater is to blame the betrayed to justify the stupidity.

 

Working on the problems in the marriage before she stepped out us a good idea to do with a therapist, but you didn't push her to another man, that's all on her. We gave a tendency to accept the blame because then we think we have control over it not happening again. But that's impossible. Only she can decide to remain faithful, you can't change yourself, she has to make changes too. She has to really do the work here. And if it's important to her, she will step up and do it.

 

You can work on making yourself a better person and spouse but you did not make her cheat. She made every decision along the way without consulting you, so you didn't have a way to cause this. Be easy on yourself because this is not your fault.

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Thankyou for your replies.

 

Ive made multiple efforts to organise dates & quality time together, and she shows as much appreciation as she can but it seems her sadness from these events are the overwhelming emotions and she remains withdrawn from me.

I agree that she has to take responsibility for what she did and has expressed deep sorrow to me which I have expressed true forgiveness back. She is so shocked at what she did and is a large part of her sadness. I'm worried it has spiralled into a depression and she hates herself for it. A coupe of times a week she will cry and say she doesn't know how to fix it.

 

That's just her, with me she claims that the feeling she had of neglect has been going on for a very long time and is hard to put behind her. (We've been together 12 years!) The only thing we ever used to fight over was my time and priority for her. I always disagreed but really I should have listened and empathised. I never advocated what she did to me but I truely feel her regret and pain from this.

 

I am hoping someone who has been through a similar situation has hung in there and it worked out for them?

Is love and patience the key to potentially saving this? How long can someone give give give and get nothing back for.

im constantly tested everyday, hoping things will improve but yet to see any.

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Therapy IS supposed to be hard work and painful! She is scared of facing her own demons and owning up to them.

 

So she'd rather not do the work and throw in the towel? Or give a minimal effort to try to reconnect and salvage your marriage?

 

Is she remorseful for her cheating/sexting?

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That's just her, with me she claims that the feeling she had of neglect has been going on for a very long time and is hard to put behind her. (We've been together 12 years!) The only thing we ever used to fight over was my time and priority for her. I always disagreed but really I should have listened and empathised. I never advocated what she did to me but I truely feel her regret and pain from this.

 

Boy has she flipped the script on you. She cheated and it's your fault?

 

In order to justify what they've done, WS's revise history so that you were the bad guy and she the victim. She voluntarily went ahead and participated in each step of the A, no gun held to her head.

 

You were in the same troubled marriage - did you cheat?

 

You certainly played a part in the problems in your relationship, good that you're owning your role and understanding the connection you need to foster with your spouse.

 

But she has equal responsibility, both for her role in those problems and her decision to engage in an emotional affair. Not only don't I see a mention in your post as to what she's doing to address that, her "I don't want to talk about it with you or a therapist" approach is just as damaging in its own way as the A.

 

Your thread is titled "Fixing a Broken Marriage". Short answer is, working alone, you can't...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Your WW had an emotional affair, EA. There will always be the danger that their relationship can re-ignite. And, if it does it will most likely become a physical affair, PA.

 

 

The only way to insure nothing happens is to have no contact between the WW and the OM. WW has to leave this job and the OMW must be told of the EA. Facing consequences is needed to prevent affairs from restarting.

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Have you spoken about her feelings for the OM? A lot of her sadness might be mourning their relationship.

 

When I read your thread and how she is avoiding going to counseling and staying emotionally distant from you and not having sex, this is my thought as well. She is still hung up on her OM. She is sad and avoiding sex because of her feelings that she has for her OM. Are you sure she didn't have sex with this person?

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Thanks again for the replies.

I feel I need to explain the affair situation with some more facts.

First of all she has told me the affair has stopped and was never physical. Also she has no interest in being with him, yet was accepting his attention as she feels she was starved of it.

I beleive her as I can read her well, but also I read all their texts before she knew I knew about the affair.

In the texts she declines on all invitations for physical interactions. Even explains to him how bad she feels for enjoying his attention.

I'm not trying to defend her affair. But Just pointing out I know for a fact it ended, and it wasn't physical.

As I said earlier she told me she hates herself for what she has done. I truely beleive her sadness comes from the disappointment of failing our marriage with an affair.

(Not to mention The issues causing this are relevant and in need of attention too.)

 

What I am trying to work or is how to help her heal this pain so she can learn to forgive herself and love herself again. And in turn love me again.

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I hope you can find your way back to each other.

 

I don't think seeking the attention is as small an issue as you suggest. It can be a recurring problem and you should not be so ready to accept the blame for this. Declining or running interference with the invitations for physical intimacy can also be about control or manipulation if she is stringing people along - including you.

 

She has a responsibility to advocate for her own needs and address you when she feels you are falling short. The squeaky wheel gets the grease - and that is not what happens in a secret and silent affair.

 

My personal experience with this is that you should prepare yourself for the eventual discovery that you do not know everything. You've been told it's an emotional affair but, the two of you have only begun to excavate this history.

 

This is not an invitation to start interrogating, or to lose your cool. Just be prepared to be hurt again, and again in this process. Remember that any further revelations or lies revealed are fruit of the same poison tree - not a whole new garden. Try to focus on the largess of the problem rather than keeping score of the offenses.

 

It is unlikely anyone could suddenly do a complete 180 turn out of an affair, even and emotional one. Counseling is a huge threat to someone who hasn't yet fully disclosed themselves, and this why I think you should brace yourself for some more pain yet to be shared. Focus on staying the course.

 

Sometimes an affair is a convenient way to end a marriage without having to admit you want out. You hope your partner takes the hint while you shift the blame for the affair on them. I'm not suggesting this is your spouse. It sounds like she has made some decent admissions, I'm suggesting you be aware that admitting and facing the full truth of an affair can sometimes be impossible for the WS. You may be desperate to clear the air - while they are desperate to seal the air.

 

Try to lead rather than push.

Edited by RRM321
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Thankyou for your replies.

 

Ive made multiple efforts to organise dates & quality time together, and she shows as much appreciation as she can but it seems her sadness from these events are the overwhelming emotions and she remains withdrawn from me.

I agree that she has to take responsibility for what she did and has expressed deep sorrow to me which I have expressed true forgiveness back. She is so shocked at what she did and is a large part of her sadness. I'm worried it has spiralled into a depression and she hates herself for it. A coupe of times a week she will cry and say she doesn't know how to fix it.

 

That's just her, with me she claims that the feeling she had of neglect has been going on for a very long time and is hard to put behind her. (We've been together 12 years!) The only thing we ever used to fight over was my time and priority for her. I always disagreed but really I should have listened and empathised. I never advocated what she did to me but I truely feel her regret and pain from this.

 

I am hoping someone who has been through a similar situation has hung in there and it worked out for them?

Is love and patience the key to potentially saving this? How long can someone give give give and get nothing back for.

im constantly tested everyday, hoping things will improve but yet to see any.

 

Keep in mind - this is NOT your fault! She is the one who decided to use her energy outside your marriage! She needs to be sorry she did it - not just sorry she got caught!

 

And she also needs to get willing to do ANYTHING to earn your trust back! That should include therapy. Finding out why she went outside the marriage and how she's not planning to do that again.

 

She also needs to learn how to communicate effective! That includes telling you what she needs from you!

 

Do NOT let her blame this on you!

 

And if she won't become an effective communicator and work to earn your trust back and act like a loving, faithful and supportive spouse by being completely transparent - then end it if she won't participate like a loving partner.

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The book "The 5 Love Languages" has quality time as one of the languages. Maybe your wife needs more quality time to feel that you love her.

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ShatteredLady

The "Love Languages" questionnaires & information are free if you search. It's a good conversation piece. You could be buying her gifts as a love sign but she might be wanting conversation & cuddles. Often we are trying but we're doing what WE think they need NOT what they actually need.

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Hi Eclectic, Sorry to hear of your situation. Honestly, I think you left the stable door open and the horse has bolted. No point trying to lock it now. I think that in the circumstances, the best thing for the two of you would be to go for a mutual period of separation so that both of you could introspect independent of the other, as to how you really feel, what the shortcomings were in either of you, and what were the shortcomings in your marriage. You could decide the time period but it should not be less than two weeks or so and not more than a month. After this period of self examination you could get together again and talk things over and if your wife is then open to reconciling with you then you could proceed with more formal processes such as visiting therapists and counsellors. What others have said about it being your wife's decision to have the affair is true and painful as it may be for her, she has to accept responsibility for it. Hope this helps. Cheers.

Edited by Just a Guy
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Eclectic, it's been sometime since you last posted. I do hope all is well with you and that things are getting better with your wife. Someone had suggested that you ask her what she wants. Does she want to reconcile with you or does she want to move on with her life. Yes you've had a 'wake up' call because of her EA but is it too late? Also did she ever communicate with you regarding her needs that were not being met or was she silent and expecting you to realise what she wanted?

The thing is that if she is not invested in the marriage anymore then there is no point your trying to reconcile with her if her heart is not in it. Maybe after you have divorced her and moved on, she will realise she made a mistake and may try to reach out to you. However, at that point it will depend on how far you have moved on your road to healing and with your life and if you have already started dating someone else she will be too late. The ball is really in her court and you must not allow her to waffle. Warm wishes.

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I swear you were writing about my situation. We seem to be a little bit further down the road, d day was 4 months ago, and only now she is seeming to see what has happened. But ya emotional affair, texting, sexting, slow but sure withdrawal from me....I too have owned up to my faults but my wife is not there yet. We have been separated about 3 weeks now and the time away is actually good for us to figure ourselves out. We are both figuring out what we need in a marriage and what we will both have to do to fix it.

 

Right now I think it is important to put the ball in her court. The more I tried to talk to her it seemed the farther she ran so at this point I have stopped trying and only now is she starting to reach out and talk about "things". Also some good advice that was given to me is that you must be willing to lose your marriage to fix your marriage. I was trying to save it at all costs. it was only when I realized that I had to be ready and willing to lose my marriage when I started to realize what I NEED and how my wife is going to have to HELP me.

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