Terrible situation Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 My husband and I are happily married. My mom lives with us in our home (My husband and I work, mom stays at home) I come from a family where spending any money for leisure is a bad thing. My side of the family save every penny and make investments in either real estate or stocks or whatever. They have always pressured me a lot to do the same and save for the future generation and I do so, because of course, I want to give a better future to my children. My husband, I and our son haven't been on a vacation since 3 years, so I went ahead and made a hotel reservation at a warm beach town 3 hours away which cost about $900. The whole trip am afraid will cost about $2500. My mom got extremely angry at me for doing this. She thinks I am a good for nothing, bad wife and a bad mother spending money like that for leisure when I should be looking for the next investment opportunity. I asked her to not interfere but every time I do that, I hear a detailed description of my past mistakes with saving money (which I don't think was major. The stock market plummeted) I want to find out how is it for other people when it comes to going on a family vacations? Is it a wise decision to go on a vacation once every three years? Is the amount of money we are spending on this vacation too much? I am tired of hearing from my mom as to how bad I am. I try really hard to save money but sometimes we need things. As long as we buy things for our son, she is fine. But if we buy anything for us apart from food, she gets upset and makes my life hell. This vacation means a lot to my son and husband and so it means a lot to me. I can't cancel this trip anymore anyways because the money spent is non-refundable. Any advise on how it works for you guys would be much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I assume your live in mom is acting like a nanny - home care, kid car, etc ? You don't pay her for this? A small 900 dollar vacation every three years seems trivial and well deserved, but I don't know your income and expenses. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Growing-up my parents built & owned their own businesses. All money was reinvested. We didn't really take vacations or do anything because it was hard to leave the business. My Dad even had to work Christmas morning. A few years ago my brother died. When something like that happens it makes a family really reasses everything. It's brutal. My parents biggest regret is NOT having family vacations. Not spending money to have fun & memories together. If I were in your situation my Mum would be nagging us to do more! Vacation & go to dinner, fun days out MORE! I don't have credit card debt. I don't waste money but I do budget for a yearly break. If you can afford it, do it. I also come from a family of teachers who could give you lectures that would convince you that travel & family adventures are a HUGE investment in your child's brain!! Sadly, with the health system in the USA there ARE people laying on their death beds wishing that they invested more.... Everything in balance. Have fun on your vacation. Consider it an investment in your marriage & your family. Mum's not always right! 10 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 What's your financial situation? What debt do you have and is your mortgage one you can afford if you have one? By the level of nagging and criticism your mother has towards you, I'd say the problem is your mother and i would go that far to suggest she moves elsewhere if she doesn't stop. She's toxic and she will poison your life and your marriage. I would assume she is like that from how she grew up, and I assume she didn't have much, but think about it: do you have that brighter future she wanted for you? You do have meddling in your affairs, telling you what to do, what you didn't do right, and you have no right to live because she didn't. Do you want to pass that on to your kids? You can try to be nice about it and send her to therapy after trying to explain your point of view, but i doubt she'll understand the expense...I'm sorry to say, but toxic people are tpxic people even and especially if they are family. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 My husband and I are happily married. My mom lives with us in our home (My husband and I work, mom stays at home)... My husband, I and our son haven't been on a vacation since 3 years, so I went ahead and made a hotel reservation at a warm beach town 3 hours away which cost about $900. The whole trip am afraid will cost about $2500. My mom got extremely angry at me for doing this. You are also taking a "family" vacation and despite the fact she lives with you, she was NOT invited. She, whether she admits it or not, will be feeling hurt here, hence the real anger shown. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 My husband and I are happily married. My mom lives with us in our home (My husband and I work, mom stays at home) I come from a family where spending any money for leisure is a bad thing. My side of the family save every penny and make investments in either real estate or stocks or whatever. They have always pressured me a lot to do the same and save for the future generation and I do so, because of course, I want to give a better future to my children. My husband, I and our son haven't been on a vacation since 3 years, so I went ahead and made a hotel reservation at a warm beach town 3 hours away which cost about $900. The whole trip am afraid will cost about $2500. My mom got extremely angry at me for doing this. She thinks I am a good for nothing, bad wife and a bad mother spending money like that for leisure when I should be looking for the next investment opportunity. I asked her to not interfere but every time I do that, I hear a detailed description of my past mistakes with saving money (which I don't think was major. The stock market plummeted) I want to find out how is it for other people when it comes to going on a family vacations? Is it a wise decision to go on a vacation once every three years? Is the amount of money we are spending on this vacation too much? I am tired of hearing from my mom as to how bad I am. I try really hard to save money but sometimes we need things. As long as we buy things for our son, she is fine. But if we buy anything for us apart from food, she gets upset and makes my life hell. This vacation means a lot to my son and husband and so it means a lot to me. I can't cancel this trip anymore anyways because the money spent is non-refundable. Any advise on how it works for you guys would be much appreciated. Not only should you be taking a family vacation once every year... you should be taking a vacation with just your husband once every year as well. The time that you spend together, as a family and as a couple, are better investments than monetary ones. They're the whole point of having a marriage and family. What do you want on your tombstone? ..."Beloved Wife and Mother? ..or "Thrifty Daughter"? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
servizot Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 One thing. DON'T let your mom rule your like. You don't have to live your life the way she did. In fact what you do with your hubby and kid is none of her business. I know you love your mom and bla bla but she doesn't have her say in this. You either stand up for yourself or stay under your mom. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I think it's important to take a vacation somewhere every year...the experience and memories are so important. But regardless of whether you should take the vacation or not, your mom's reaction is inappropriate and overstepping boundaries. You're a married adult, and this decision is between you and your husband. Even if she lives with you, it's not for her to say how you budget your money. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 My mom grew up in the depression. She too believed in save, save, save & not to spend money on frivolous things like vacations. She would yell at me & criticize me every time I spent money for Vacations. As much as it hurt & as many problems as it caused, I still spent my hard earned money my way. About 6 months before she died, when she told me how much money she was leaving me, my mother cried in my arms. Her biggest regret was that she saved all this money but never had fun & never went anywhere. I had always invited her places & offered to fund a vacation or 3 for her & my dad. It broke my heart that all she had was a pile of cash. I would have been far happier with a smaller inheritance & more happy memories of traveling with my family. There have recently been studies about this. Here's a link to one article: Buy Experiences, Not Things - The Atlantic There are more out there. Show it to your mom. Otherwise, ignore her. As long as your bills are paid & you have an emergency fund & you aren't going into debt for this trip go. Although perhaps you may want to look into more cost effective options. $2500 for 3 days seems like a lot. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 About 6 months before she died, when she told me how much money she was leaving me, my mother cried in my arms. Her biggest regret was that she saved all this money but never had fun & never went anywhere. I had always invited her places & offered to fund a vacation or 3 for her & my dad. It broke my heart that all she had was a pile of cash. I would have been far happier with a smaller inheritance & more happy memories of traveling with my family. I recently lost a good friend to brain cancer, four weeks from diagnosis to passing . The last time I spoke to him, his regrets were very similar to what you've described - time away from family, lost opportunities to connect with kids, too much time spent working. I don't know anyone that, in their final moments, thinks "I wish I'd made another $10 Grand". OP, I'd be tempted to tell Mom that her rental agreement includes room and board but not life coaching privileges. Have a great time on your trip... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I would tell your mother in the nicest possible way...not to interfere in your decisions where your family are concerned. It's really NOT her business. Unless you ask her for money to bail you out..she needs to leave you to it. Why does she even know how much it's costing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I am 60 years old...and my mom STILL gives me her opinion regarding how we spend our money. It might just be a mom thing...although i don't do that to my kids..but I would tell her thank you for sharing your opinion...and you and your husband decide how to spend the money you earn. Don't be disrespectful to her...listen....and then do what you damn well want to. If she truly said you are a bad wife and mother....in my opinion she crossed a line and you should tell her that you will listen to her opinion...as long as she treats you respectfully. We have a motto...we work to vacation. I plan to spend every penny we have. You only get one chance at this life...and it can be gone tomorrow. We take 3 vacations a year. When we were raising our family....we took a vacation every year....most close to home...but we still took our children to do something fun. I don't think a vacation every three years is excessive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 When you get married, your spouse and children should be your primary concern. I think vacations are a wonderful way to spend time with your family. Honestly, you need to tell your mother to mind her own affairs and leave you and your husband alone. Neither my parents nor my wife's parents have ever given us advice on how to manage money unless we specifically asked for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I am going on a short 5-day road trip today with my family. Guess who's opinion doesn't weigh in with me? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 When most people grow up and get married they live alone with their spouse independently of family. It is then your choice to live your adult life independent of parents. You can choose to embrace the values you were rsised on or develop new values based on your own choosing and beliefs as a free thinking adult. You are not obligated to live your life based on your familys ideas. That was your childhood. I would ask her to leave your home or I would move. A parent does not own their children for life or get a say. I know you wont move or ask her to LEAVE which means you are stuck with her interfering and weighing in on each decision. Its not normal or ok. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 I would ask her to leave your home or I would move. A parent does not own their children for life or get a say. I know you wont move or ask her to LEAVE which means you are stuck with her interfering and weighing in on each decision. Its not normal or ok. I have the feeling the OP would get the same input from her Mom whether she lived with them or not. Additionally, there may be some cultural issues at work here hard for conventional American sensibilities to understand. Other countries and cultures view the parent/child relationship very differently, even into adulthood. So we have to be careful how we define "normal"... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cynicalme Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 Oh, just tell mom, "well, I'm not your lousy wife, so whatever you think doesn't really matter. Can it." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted February 14, 2016 Share Posted February 14, 2016 I would take mom on a vacation, just the girls. Or maybe with the grandkid too if she likes. Take lots of pictures. Save all tokens: tickets, receipts, brochures, etc. Make a scrapbook. Give the scrapbook as a gift to her. Scrapbooks are a huge industry for a good reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 OP what do you think of yourself? If you are happy with your decision then just ignore your mum's advice. You have your own life to live and your mum's ideas and opinions have an expired life. They are not applicable in this day and age although I wouldn't discredit them out of hand. You take what you want from them and discard the rest. Hope this helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 My husband and I are happily married. My mom lives with us in our home (My husband and I work, mom stays at home) I come from a family where spending any money for leisure is a bad thing. My side of the family save every penny and make investments in either real estate or stocks or whatever. They have always pressured me a lot to do the same and save for the future generation and I do so, because of course, I want to give a better future to my children. My husband, I and our son haven't been on a vacation since 3 years, so I went ahead and made a hotel reservation at a warm beach town 3 hours away which cost about $900. The whole trip am afraid will cost about $2500. My mom got extremely angry at me for doing this. She thinks I am a good for nothing, bad wife and a bad mother spending money like that for leisure when I should be looking for the next investment opportunity. I asked her to not interfere but every time I do that, I hear a detailed description of my past mistakes with saving money (which I don't think was major. The stock market plummeted) I want to find out how is it for other people when it comes to going on a family vacations? Is it a wise decision to go on a vacation once every three years? Is the amount of money we are spending on this vacation too much? I am tired of hearing from my mom as to how bad I am. I try really hard to save money but sometimes we need things. As long as we buy things for our son, she is fine. But if we buy anything for us apart from food, she gets upset and makes my life hell. This vacation means a lot to my son and husband and so it means a lot to me. I can't cancel this trip anymore anyways because the money spent is non-refundable. Any advise on how it works for you guys would be much appreciated. Unless your mother is paying your bills or you are asking her for money, what you do with your income is none of her business and she needs to take several seats. Parents do not have the right to intrude in their adult children's lives unless the parents are providing far more help than they should. My nosy and brash mother knows to keep her nose out of my business because that has backfired on her before. Some mothers feel that bringing children into the world makes it okay for them to overstep boundaries. Those types do not know how to let go and then they wonder why their adult children keep them out of the loop. Mothers are free to have their opinions but those opinions should be kept to themselves unless they are asked for. Expressing concern should also be done in a respectful manner. Respect goes both ways in a parent and adult child relationship. My MIL is a very jealous and meddlesome woman. She lives in a village where gossiping is entertainment. I used to have my husband's family and friends from back home as Facebook friends. When I found out that everything I posted was going to back to my MIL, I swiftly deleted and blocked everyone from my husband's family. I was tired of being lectured by my MIL about our romantic dinners and weekend getaways, just because she was jealous that she doesn't get to do such things. The fact that you are thinking of cancelling this trip to make your mother happy shows that you are far too enmeshed with her. You are reacting to this situation like a teenager who needs your mother's approval and support. She can only make your life hell if you allow it. You have not been on a trip for years and there's nothing wrong with splurging once in awhile. My husband and I have never been outside of the country together. We are going to Jamaica in September to a luxury all inclusive resort. Though it will cost about $3200 for the two of us, we think it is worth it to celebrate our anniversary and have the opportunity to travel. You and your husband need to sit down with your mother and discuss the way she talks to you. It is inappropriate and disrespectful. If she cannot be kind, she can find another place to live. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LaraC Posted February 19, 2016 Share Posted February 19, 2016 LOL I agree with BettyDraper. Time for mom to move to the old folk's home, where no one has to listen to her unwanted and unnecessary opinions. That's a $2000/ month expense. Doesn't like it? Prefer her kid waiting on her needs? Time to shut up about the vacation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Brady375 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 Holy moly. Ofcourse you can go on Vacactions. I'd go on two a year if I could. 1 a year is normal. And Healthy for you and your family and marriage. Ever see families and their photos of them and the kids at Disney world?!! It's vacations that create memories and things your child would remember forever and appreciate. You need to get better at setting Hard Line Boundries with your Mother. First of all it 100% isn't her place to be so overbearing on this topic or Any Topic that concerns YOUR family. Tell her to mind or own dam buisness. And if she won't ignore her. You can't control how she feels or how she does things but this is your life and you live it how you want too. Use common sense, are you being Reasonable In your actions by going on a vaca and spending the money IF you Have it even once a year? Yes. If you are being finacailly irresponsible in any way that's different but that is Still between you and your Husband not you and your mother. Put her in her place. Stand up for yourself. Tell her too bad. I have no patience for this stuff. Too many other Real issues to worry about them having to justify this type of thing to someone. If she doesn't get it, oh well you don't have to Make her understand or justify it. Accept that's just how she is and move on and enjoy your vacation. A guy who worked across the street from me lost his wife to Cancer during his Last year of work right before his retirement. He never once called out sick and they saved every penny for when he retired so that they could go around and travel together. They did wo for years. During his last year of work she passed away......he said to me if you want to go some where go, have fun live your life. From this conversation what I took from this is as long as I'm being reasonable about my actions it's ok, I should never be too extreme w most things. This guy never did anything and buckled down for years waiting to cash in only to never having the chance. Don't wait. Go life your life and be happy w your family. You are not your mother. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted February 20, 2016 Share Posted February 20, 2016 What mom doesn't know, won't hurt her. You deserve any vacation you have saved for. Mom doesn't need to know the details, and she certainly doesn't need to know what the bill is! Have a great time! And take lots of photos. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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