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I have ended things PERMANENTLY with my affair partner/special "friend"


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It is OVER. I just emailed her and said goodbye. I was kind but firm about no more contact. My email account is being deleted.

 

PLEASE give me support. I am going to need it.

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I am VERY proud of you, MP. I know this was hard and you have done it before, but I hope you stick with it this time.

 

Post here often. The pain will go away, trust us...

 

Time to re-direct towards your wife. Next weekend is Valentine's Day - why not plan something to bring you back towards those feelings you had for her when you married?

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Carrie, we already have some hot plans for next weekend, trust me.

 

 

And thanks for your support. I am sick with myself for being so selfish all this time.

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What are your goals in doing so? And, after all this time, why the decision to go NC now?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My goals?

 

1) Focus 100% on my wife and kids (and myself too!) I have a freaking awesome family - seriously.

 

2) No more guilt or anxiety. I want to sleep at night with a clean conscience.

 

3) No more messing up my friend's life. This is not good for her either. She is awesome and does NOT need me causing more stress or heartache for her.

 

And why now? It has to be some time. This way I can start moving forward right this second. No looking back.

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If she has your phone number, change it and e-mail blast the new e-mail address and phone number at the same time to all your customary contacts.

 

Good luck on your path of choice!

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My goals?

 

1) Focus 100% on my wife and kids (and myself too!) I have a freaking awesome family - seriously.

 

2) No more guilt or anxiety. I want to sleep at night with a clean conscience.

 

3) No more messing up my friend's life. This is not good for her either. She is awesome and does NOT need me causing more stress or heartache for her.

 

And why now? It has to be some time. This way I can start moving forward right this second. No looking back.

 

The third one is what I'd hoped you'd say. Hopefully, the realization that you're hurting her also will keep you from going back. Win, win :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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If she has your phone number, change it and e-mail blast the new e-mail address and phone number at the same time to all your customary contacts.

 

Good luck on your path of choice!

 

 

She has my work #. I can't exactly change that! I have her work # as well and obviously the same is true with her. Nothing we can do about that.

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IDK, my customers change their work numbers all the time. In fact it's more common with the larger corporate customers when they move offices or PBX's but even individual employees contact me with new information. It all depends on desire. We can do anything we want. The only limit is us.

 

If/when she calls you at work, what do you do? What's your plan, since you've ended things permanently?

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IDK, my customers change their work numbers all the time. In fact it's more common with the larger corporate customers when they move offices or PBX's but even individual employees contact me with new information. It all depends on desire. We can do anything we want. The only limit is us.

 

If/when she calls you at work, what do you do? What's your plan, since you've ended things permanently?

 

 

I don't know. I doubt she would ever do that. She's never called me out of the blue here. And I've never done it with her. I'd put the chances at less than 1%. If she does call her, what can I do? I'll just be nice (like I was in the email) and stress that this decision is the best for BOTH of us.

 

But I work in a law office - I can't ask my boss to change our #. I mean, that's a non-starter. And she works for a large institution as well - her number is not changing.

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Heh, I can't remember ever calling any of my lawyers directly. Things always went through the PBX. So she has your direct number? Yeah, I can see your dilemma. Any other choices you can make to guard against future unwanted contact with that information remaining?

 

I'm mentioning this because of long experience with such contacts, even after years, and how those contacts can affect things. In your case, apparently your M is job #1 so actions would necessarily be geared towards prioritizing that over other relations, real or potential.

 

Oh, one thing to watch for.... you'll want to contact her at some point. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but you will. Sure, you can choose not to but don't fight accepting the want-to when it happens. Let it flow. Take it one day at a time. Today NC. Tomorrow, unknown. Make tomorrow's choice tomorrow.

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Bittersweetie

MP,

 

It may not feel good at first but you are making the right decision. Carhill is right, you will get the urge to reach out, it is natural. It is what you do with that urge that counts. Take it one day at a time...tell yourself, I will decide tomorrow. Then the next day, say, I will decide tomorrow. You can be strong in this for one day, right? Then each of those days will add up.

 

Good luck.

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It is OVER. I just emailed her and said goodbye. I was kind but firm about no more contact. My email account is being deleted.

 

PLEASE give me support. I am going to need it.

 

Good for you.

 

Now Focus on your wife. Date her as you were dating the OW and I can assure you things will fall back in place for you.

 

If your wife knows, expect triggers, and just deal with them

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Bittersweetie

Another thing...if there's a chance that she may call you, and since you cannot change the number, maybe mentally come up with something to say in the event she does call you. Something short and simple. I told myself if I ever ran into xOM I'd walk away but if I couldn't say only "Please leave me alone."

 

I found that being mentally prepared, having a plan in place, was helpful when I thought about the what ifs of seeing/hearing from xOM. Fortunately I never had to enact the plan, and maybe you won't either. But it can't hurt to have a short statement prepared in your desk to pull out if needed. Then your acting from a practical/logical place rather than an emotional place.

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LivingWaterPlease

MightyPen, I see you just made a right turn onto Freedom Lane. This road leads straight in to Bright Future. There will be many signs along the way advertising Excitement Park. Ignore them.

 

I wouldn't recommend OW Cafe as a good place to stop for lunch, either. The food is tasty but contains no nutrition and I hear it causes excruciating acid reflux.

 

If you get hungry you may want to stop at Family Diner where the offerings are not only delicious but also quite nourishing.

 

For a special night out on the town, I hear Wife Concert is playing locally and is supposed to be exceptional!

 

You might stop at Conjugal Restaurant before or after enjoying Wife Concert; and for an unforgettable night afterwards Marriage Resort Hotel is fairly close by and has a five star rating!

 

:):););):D:D:)

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
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MP, I doubt very much you forgot my *very* lengthy posts to you in the past--as they were heavily colored by my own emotions, since your story paralleled mine so closely.

 

First of all, this post surprised me when I read you FINALLY ended it. I thought you ended it a long while ago. But I'm glad it's over now.

I wish all of you the best.

 

But it also leads me to probe the obvious questions:

(and I ask this with good intention, not to criticize you)

 

Are you SURE it's over for YOU? Remember you were very sure so many times in the past too?

 

Have you addressed the issues that led you down this road and meet this OW in the first place?

 

You seem very happy and content with your marriage now, but for how long?

At some point down the road if you slip again, how do plan to stop yourself?

The most important question really is: to what extent do you trust yourself going forward? You don't have to respond to this questions, but I think it would be healthy for you to at least reflect on these questions.

 

Best wishes.

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I don't know. I doubt she would ever do that. She's never called me out of the blue here. And I've never done it with her. I'd put the chances at less than 1%. If she does call her, what can I do? I'll just be nice (like I was in the email) and stress that this decision is the best for BOTH of us.

 

But I work in a law office - I can't ask my boss to change our #. I mean, that's a non-starter. And she works for a large institution as well - her number is not changing.

 

Ok, I'll bite.

 

When she calls (and she will) why not tell your secretary to take a message? Or better yet - take the call and hang up on her as soon as the call is picked up.

 

Be consistent - be clear. OVER means no more contact...no matter what!

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Carrie, we already have some hot plans for next weekend, trust me.

 

 

And thanks for your support. I am sick with myself for being so selfish all this time.

 

Then please mightyP, ditch the new women friends you've recently made and invest emotionally only in your wife. Or at least let your wife meet them and all of you get together, don't keep it one on one. It's like you are needing that female attention and your wife isn't enough.

 

WHEN your exOW calls you at work, don't answer or if you do just cut her off and hang up. Don't engage in any chit chat.

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Just checking in for the day. Went smoothly. All evidence is destroyed/deleted as thoroughly as I know how to do it.

 

Focusing on physical fitness and am considering joining a sports league this spring.

 

I appreciate the advice about what to do if she calls. We've never called each other "out of the blue" before, so I REALLY doubt she will. Again, maybe a 1% chance. If so, I'll keep it short and sweet.

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You are doing good, MP.

 

You can get through today. And if you begin to falter, post about it here.

 

Then check-in again tomorrow.

 

And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

To the last syllable of recorded time,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!

Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more: it is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

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Checking in for Day 2. Feeling fine. A little sad, but that's to be expected. I keep thinking that she'll view this as me "dumping her" out of the blue and that makes me very sad. I did write in my email that this is the best for both of us long-term, and if she's upset with me, I hope she'll see later down the road that I did this for her as well.

 

Pop, I don't think so. And yeah that's the bigger problem I know. As long as there's this void, I'll probably always seek to have someone else fill it. I have a few super smart guy friends and we see each other at least once per month, and it does help fill the void, but not enough.

 

In the meantime, I'll focus on shedding some weight and getting back into "college shape" (if such a thing is possible!)

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Checking in for Day 2. Feeling fine. A little sad, but that's to be expected. I keep thinking that she'll view this as me "dumping her" out of the blue and that makes me very sad. I did write in my email that this is the best for both of us long-term, and if she's upset with me, I hope she'll see later down the road that I did this for her as well.

 

Pop, I don't think so. And yeah that's the bigger problem I know. As long as there's this void, I'll probably always seek to have someone else fill it. I have a few super smart guy friends and we see each other at least once per month, and it does help fill the void, but not enough.

 

In the meantime, I'll focus on shedding some weight and getting back into "college shape" (if such a thing is possible!)

 

I hope she sees its for the best too. It's nice that you were gentle with her. :)

 

I don't get why the guy friends are not enough??

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