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Sex chat and he says I framed him


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Hi - I need help. I am newly married (remarried) and my husband and I have been very sexual. He wants it all the time. We both have kids from a previous marriage....so when we have the kids - it can be tough.

 

Well, today I was on his phone trying to make an appointment and I had to look up something quick from a recent search and I saw "chaturbate -- free live web sex chat". I freaked out and asked him what it was. He said he had no idea. I went back through the history and any time I am in another room when my son gets scared at night - he's been on his phone looking at chaturbate. He is watching women and I can't tell if he's actually chatting or not. Of course I started crying and I was shaking...I could NOT believe that he was doing this. I am always having sex with him and he always tells me that porn is only for single people and does not belong in marriage unless we chose to do it together. ( I do not).

 

 

 

I went back and searched and the ONLY time it happens is when I'm sleeping in my son's room for a bit. He is alone in bed. He made up a story that it was his son....that they share history (bull****) then I told him to stop lying....then he said it was a "bot" on the phone and it must be triggered by something "weird" that he's seen on google.

 

It's pretty clear he is lying his ass of to me. He immediately said that I did this and tried to FRAME him..to cause problems. I was horrified that he accused ME of doing this...when he knows HE did it. He swears to GOD he didn't do this. BUT it just HAPPENS to happen ONLY in middle of night when I'm gone from the bed and I have custody of my son.

 

I told him I forgive him -- he says he will not be forgiven for something he did not do. He says that it has to be something planted on his phone.

 

What would you do if you were me? I am so sad and hurt. We had just gotten done having sex when I was making this phone call and saw this on his phone. I feel so torn up.

 

He then suggested that he won't go on vacation with me next week because he knows that I'm going to put him through hell over this and that I'm going to end up leaving him. I said I wasn't leaving him - but I don't know how he could lie to me about this and not just fess up. He won't....

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You know he's a liar, right? He's trying to shift the blame onto you because he got caught. The question is, what are you going to actually DO about it?

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Yes. He's super angry because I won't believe him and says that I just want to make him suffer. The lie is what is most ridiculous.

 

He is now saying that he doesn't want to go on trip to just come home and have me leave him. He says my detachment and sad face are things he just can't tolerate. T

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I've unfortunately experienced gas lighting before with him. It's his way of dealing w me when he's on Ghe spot. The question is what is normal remedy for this? Would you divorce over this? It's just very hard for me. It's clear he's lying his ass off

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Stand your ground on this until he admits it was him. If he says he's not going on the vacation unless you acknowledge that it wasn't him who looked up that chat room and you (wanting to just appease him and not ruin a vacation) say "whatever, fine, lets just drop it and move on"... Then he wins and knows that you'll let him off the hook if you end up catching him again.

 

Don't set that precedent.

 

Ask him if he's going to be coming on vacation with you and if be brings up the situation then you need tk confront him. Tell him that if he just came out and say "**** I'm embarrassed, yea that was me.. I just went on bc I was horny and you were in the other room for the night" then that's understandable and forgivable at least. Even if he admitted it after lying and said he panic' because he was embarrassed wnd thought you'd be mad. Understandable.

 

But continuing the lie.. Is just digging his own grave. Was the history on his phone just 1 visit to the chat site? Or was it clearly multiple times?

If it's just 1 then that can be believed as a mis click or pop up random. But 20 searches and links to the site is just blatant. Tell him he's crazy if you think you're gonna believe that someone trying to frame him, and the fact he's continuing to lie is now making you really concerned and sketched out because it's obvious he's hiding something or doing something he knows is wrong. And tell him she should be ashamed of himself for trying to pawn it off on your son. That's unreal and screwed up

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He did it every night I was not in bed with him over last 2 weeks. I checked and it's specific. This was no accident and for him to say otherwise is just insane. And he literally asked his son today about his use of his gmail account. Trying to imply that he did it. It's ridiculous.

 

He will not admit. I have though of saying you either admit and tell the truth or you and I are done. But he swears he did nothing.

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He did it every night I was not in bed with him over last 2 weeks. I checked and it's specific. This was no accident and for him to say otherwise is just insane. And he literally asked his son today about his use of his gmail account. Trying to imply that he did it. It's ridiculous.

 

He will not admit. I have though of saying you either admit and tell the truth or you and I are done. But he swears he did nothing.

 

What would your sons use of his gmail account have to do with anything? It was on his phone right? The only way your son or any one else could be responsible is if they physically had your BF phone in their hands at the times you see the site was searched. How old are your son and his son? Do they either ever had his phone? If not then present him with what I just stated here. Then ask your BF "so can you explain how any of what you're claiming as possible excuses could be believable?"

 

He seems like he's just going to die with the lie. So if I were you I'd just embarrass him by forcing him into a corner by your questioning and awareness and basically leaving him no humanly possible way for him to escape admitting it.

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He tried saying that all of his son history shows on his phone. That's false. I proved that to be false. He then said he THOUGHt that to be the case.

 

When I asked him how this could happen he says it is very strange and he doesn't have an answer but he is searching. He keeps googling about bots on phones etc. it's all ridiculous.

 

He says that he is not going to apologize for something he simply did not do. It's insane. I said so we have aliens in Ghe house??? He said I am cruel.

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If you were me, what would you do? We just got married 6 months ago.

 

Also when I searched the rest of his phone ...he had googled "if I refinance my house will my new wife be entitled to ownership?"

 

He says he has to protect his assets.

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Michelle ma Belle

Wow, sooooo many red flags here!

 

The fact that he bold-faced lied to your face. Is attempting to gaslight you AND has no problem blaming his own SON for his inappropriateness is just shocking to me.

 

I'm sorry but this is just going to get worse, not better.

 

RUN!

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Suggest you'd like him to take a polygraph (whether you mean it or not), his reaction will tell you a lot. If he's adamant he's completely innocent then he should have no problem with agreeing to take one. Possibly, he could bluff up to the point of taking it, then come clean with you, but I'd think you'd get a good read of him by his reaction to the request.

Edited by Rubix Cubed
clarification
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Yeah, he said that he was going to ask his son about it, but of course he didn't ask about THAT. But, he tried to make me believe he would. He began asking him if he had more than one gmail account and if they are linked to his iTunes.

 

I don't think my husband paid to talk to these girls....but I think at this point I'm just crushed. I have clung to the fact that he is such a good honest man and now...I think most of the compliments he pays me -- are bulls*it.

 

That's what happened in my last marriage. After I found out my husband was all over porn -- I couldn't take his "you are all I want" seriously ..and then the "you look so hot like that " only made me want to roll my eyes.

 

My current husband says stuff like that and now I feel the same way....."I only have eyes for you..." and "all I want is you..." is clearly not true. We had sex THAT morning...and I leave bed for one half night...and he's on this? And I see it's ONLY when I'm not in bed with him.

 

I just feel like he is full of you know what...and he says that my request to "just move on" is impossible because I don't seem happy or as attached to him...and he can't live like this.

 

The other night we had a fight about something totally different and I got so irate I ran into the other bedroom and slammed the door. I told him I needed to cool down or I would say more things I didn't mean. He came in and told me that what I had done was grounds for immediate separation because his wife doesn't sleep in other bedrooms. So he does this bullying thing ... a lot.

 

During this argument, it came up that I could be pregnant.. (we hadn't been careful this month as we should ...and I wondered if I should take the morning after pill.) I told him I didn't want to because I want another child ...and he said "oh with me...or with another guy?" I was so appalled that he would say this to me I nearly punched the wall. I said, how in the world do you think it's okay to say something like that to your wife. He said he thinks I just want a baby...and it isn't because I'm dying to have HIS baby.

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Wow... That's unbelievable. This would be really concerning for me if I was in your shoes. You said you sleep in your sons room when he gets scared? That makes me assume he's pretty young... Your husband accused him of being the one who looked at the sites? That makes literally no sense... How old are your son and his? Did you call him out on why a child would be looking at those sites in the middle of the night? Not to mention if it was him, you would be in the room at the times the site was accessed. It's simply ludacris.

 

You need to have a very frank, calm but serious conversation with your husband. Start off by telling him how much you love him and how you want to be his wife forever. But then explain why he needs to see how this situation is so concerning and troublesome for you.

 

If I were you I'd explain that if he visits the sex chat site because he likes it or was horny and wanted to masturbate or just fool around in a chat room then that's something you could totally understand even if it upset you at first. Admitting to going to a sex chat room (that site is pretty general, not like a meet up site or anything) isn't the worst thing in the world that he should be so adamant about. If you caught him emailing another woman or getting naked pics then that's another story. You also said you both have a very active sex life so it's not far fetched to think he is looking at porn as well. Could've even told him that if he brought it up honestly and explained he liked it, you could've maybe involved yourself in it and added it somehow to your sex life with him.

 

But explain that it's his actions afterwards are the only thing you can't make sense of. Lying immediately.. Ok you understand that. Maybe he was embarrassed or panicked or didn't wanna get caught. Fine.

 

But then he blames it on your son and tries pretty hard to convince you it's him. That is reprehensible. Your sons age would be important to know here. It sounds to me like your husband is trying to utilize your lack of expertise in technology or how phones/Internet/Iclouds work and hoping you don't know any better. But he's doing a terrible job.

If you found the sites on his laptop then he can say maybe someone else sat down and used the computer. But since you found them on his phone, the ONLY way to have the history show it, is if the person holding the phone is searching/using the site. So that's where his story falls apart. Ask him how you can feel comfortable or trust him when he's acknowledging toyou that he has no idea how the site history got there if the excuses he's giving you have been proven not to be possible. He's literally telling you "I have no way out but I need more time to think of another excuse and possible reason to give you so I'll keep investigating"... WTF??!

 

If you borrowed his car... Drove it to the supermarket and came home... And when you got home he walks out to greet you and asks "omg how did the front bumper get all Smashed and hanging off? Did you hit something?"

And you said "no I didn't, maybe someone else drove the car and did, your son maybe" .. And he tells you his son was home at the time and you admit to having the keys in your purse as you shopped. Then you say "wow yea that is strange then you're right... Hmm.. I'm not sure then.. I'll try and figure out what might've happened and get back to you... Wasn't me tho"

You'd look like a complete fool right? That's basically what your husband is trying to pull.

 

The main point is to illustrate that you never thought he would ever drag your son into it. That's a really lowball sleazy thing to regardless. So you're freaked that someone you want to spend your life with would so easily try and make your son out to be the culprit with absolutely 0 evidence or reason to think he's the one that did it. He's supposed to care about and love you and your kid bc you're all 1 family now. And that's what he does?!

 

Then as if you need more to worry about... He's still forcing it to continue and making it into a huge deal that you can't avoid. Bringing up your sons gmail account recently to try and get you to overhear.. Looking into "bots"... Ask him "if you truly believe it was a "bot or whatever and want me to believe that, then would you feel comfortable the next Time we are around a friend of yours or someone we know... Explain the situation and ask them if they've ever heard of "computer bots " looking up sex chat rooms in the middle of the night randomly".

Oh.. And it's also never happened since... Or another site in question. Just this 1 chat room when you caught him. That "bot " must have it out to get your husband huh?"

 

And yea, you purposely are trying to frame him in order to drive yourself crazy and break your own heart... That's a great motive.

If he just said that "I have no idea how the heck the history shows that, I really have no clue, I swear tho I haven't been on thag website ever" when you confronted him at first and stuck to that story then you could've even gave up and said "ok you know what, I love you so as weird as that looks im gonna trust you and believe you're telling me the truth that you didn't do it... But seriously if I find out that you're lying or something in the future shows up again.. That's going to really hurt me...ok?" That would've been ok just to give him the benefit of the doubt. But when he changed the story of who it could've been over and over... That shows guilt. Ever watch a crime interrogation? That's what suspects do when they get caught. Change their story.

 

Ask what he has to say after all that. If you're going to me married you need to trust each other you need to resolve this issue.

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Yeah, he said th

That's what happened in my last marriage. After I found out my husband was all over porn -- I couldn't take his "you are all I want" seriously ..and then the "you look so hot like that " only made me want to roll my

 

I just feel like he is full of you know what...and he says that my request to "just move on" is impossible because I don't seem happy or as attached to him...and he can't live like this.

 

The other night we had a fight about something totally different and I got so irate I ran into the other bedroom and slammed the door. I told him I needed to cool down or I would say more things I didn't mean. He came in and told me that what I had done was grounds for immediate separation because his wife doesn't sleep in other bedrooms. So he does this bullying thing ... a lot.

 

During this argument, it came up that I could be pregnant.. (we hadn't been careful this month as we should ...and I wondered if I should take the morning after pill.) I told him I didn't want to because I want another child ...and he said "oh with me...or with another guy?" I was so appalled that he would say this to me I nearly punched the wall. I said, how in the world do you think it's okay to say something like that to your wife. He said he thinks I just want a baby...and it isn't because I'm dying to have HIS baby.

 

Couple things here.

 

- if he told you he went on the sex chat site up front, would that be something that bothers you a lot? The site you said he went in is a public sex chat room.. Meaning it's free and mostly full Of guys pretending to be girls cat fishing the others chatters into cyber sex chat.. In my opinion that's not the end of the world and I'd think it's pretty common generally speaking.

- do you have a problem if your husband or guy you're with watches porn? I'm not saying constant porn watching like an addiction.. Or being into weird things that you never saw coming... I just mean he looks at porn, jerks off. Remember , just because you have sex a lot, doesn't mean he won't want to masturbate now and then as well. So this is something I believe you have to ask yourself.

 

And don't link your ex and him. I know it's difficult. But just becaus your ex was a porn addict, doesn't make this guy one. You can tell him that because of your ex, it's just a concern you can't worry about. So if he jerked off a couple times a week through these chat rooms or porn videos... Would that upset you?

 

If so then that's another story

 

I also think that you don't need to take his snide comments or remarks so personally and seriously. When he said the comment about "oh with me ... Or another guy?" ... You should know that he's just saying something stupid to get under your skin. When you get mad and raise your voice or elevate the argument, that does no good. All you had to say there was "grow up ok".. OR ... I left the room bc i don't want to say hurtful stupid comments to you when we argue just bc I'm angry... So why can't you do the same?"

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Yeah, the idea that he's using porn bothers me. We both said we wouldn't do that and he has even told me today that if he found this -- he would want to leave me over it. He freaks out if i even look twice at another guy or gets jealous when a good looking actor is on the tv. THAT is how jealous he is. I do not do that to him ...at all. BUT - I do not want him looking at porn (for sure without me). I have asked if he wanted that and he said no.

 

He is also going to great lengths to prove tonight that I am doing things wrong. He was mad because my employer took 2 weeks to turn in some stupid insurance form and he is getting backdated requests for some 200 dollar payment. He is acting like it's all my fault AND he's going though his phone and saying "something is strange" with his folders in gmail and trying to insinuate someone is hacking into his account. He is not pleasant at all and he's trying to make it out that I'm in trouble for everything under the sun...

 

I feel like i'm constantly dodging bullets because I am upset over this...

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Yeah, he said that he was going to ask his son about it, but of course he didn't ask about THAT. But, he tried to make me believe he would. He began asking him if he had more than one gmail account and if they are linked to his iTunes.

 

How old is the son who's history your H claims polluted his phone?

 

Mr. Lucky

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He's talking about his 16 year old son...who does not live with us and NEVER stays over at our house. The only possible connection is he uses my husband's attunes account.

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So, we got into a huge argument last night that turned extremely ugly. I was drinking wine and the more he denied this the angrier I got. He said that I like to find problems etc... and that I am acting strange with my paycheck not being deposited and that I am playing games...calling me the "master manipulator". I got sad -- started sobbing and then he told me that was more manipulation....so that I started getting angry.

 

I eventually told him to etiher admit this was true or I was done. He told me he couldn't because it's simply not true. Then, I headed for the door. He wouldn't let me past him. I pushed him back and he kept stopping me ... he eventually admitted he did it. Of course he did!

 

 

 

But then tells me that he didn't actually masturbate...he was just curious. Whatever. THEN he tells me that he did it because all of my drama is getting to him. Of course he blames me for everything.

 

He apologized and is trying to pretend that everything is perfect now. Instead, I woke up this morning feeling deeply sad and in tears. Another night of fighting. I threw my shoes at the wall...I was out of control! I am wondering what's wrong with me?

 

My previous marriage failed but I never got angry like I do now. We rarely fought. I just ignored his drama and everything was peaceful. I didn't throw things or need to leave the house...

 

My husband told me this morning that most couples fight like we did last night... is that really true?

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dreamingoftigers
Yes. He's super angry because I won't believe him and says that I just want to make him suffer. The lie is what is most ridiculous.

 

He is now saying that he doesn't want to go on trip to just come home and have me leave him. He says my detachment and sad face are things he just can't tolerate. T

 

Get ready for this rodeo.

 

The worst cheaters are the ones that adamantly deny. And then blameshift it to YOU.

 

It makes you wonder if you are crazy.

You AREN'T.

 

Having gone through years of this garbage, even though my marriage has ended up working out (mostly) I generally suggest separating from the arsehole and looking to divorce.

 

He's an idiot who deals with conflict and sexual issues NY biding and lying about it.

 

Since his mask has slipped, he's dealing with things in terms of "punishment" instead of giving half of a damn about your feelings. F*** that s***.

 

I hate watching other people go through this. And don't kid yourself, he will 'out-punish' you until you give in.

 

Because that's how he handles conflict and sexual issues. It's a power struggle, not a relationship. And right now in his low-brow mind he's 'the underdog.'

 

Honestly, some might say I'm jumping the gun, but he's intense already, refusing to go on vacation. Etc. to re-punish you for even looking or bringing it up. Get out of this for awhile and give yourself enough space to clear your head.

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dreamingoftigers
Wow, sooooo many red flags here!

 

The fact that he bold-faced lied to your face. Is attempting to gaslight you AND has no problem blaming his own SON for his inappropriateness is just shocking to me.

 

I'm sorry but this is just going to get worse, not better.

 

RUN!

 

Seriously, less than six months married?

 

BAIL. BAIL. BAIL.

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He is trying to rugsweep.

 

You are perfectly valid to feel the way you do. It doesn't matter why or how other people fight. You are in your marriage. You are dealing with lying and deception, from the man you married. Other people's opinions and how they would deal with those things doesn't matter.

 

Take some space and get a little room to think. Even if that means just going out for the day, or the weekend, or whatever it is that you need… To wrap your head around how you feel, without the pressure of someone judging you for how you're feeling that way. Take this time for you.

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dreamingoftigers
Yeah, he said that he was going to ask his son about it, but of course he didn't ask about THAT. But, he tried to make me believe he would. He began asking him if he had more than one gmail account and if they are linked to his iTunes.

 

I don't think my husband paid to talk to these girls....but I think at this point I'm just crushed. I have clung to the fact that he is such a good honest man and now...I think most of the compliments he pays me -- are bulls*it.

 

That's what happened in my last marriage. After I found out my husband was all over porn -- I couldn't take his "you are all I want" seriously ..and then the "you look so hot like that " only made me want to roll my eyes.

 

My current husband says stuff like that and now I feel the same way....."I only have eyes for you..." and "all I want is you..." is clearly not true. We had sex THAT morning...and I leave bed for one half night...and he's on this? And I see it's ONLY when I'm not in bed with him.

 

I just feel like he is full of you know what...and he says that my request to "just move on" is impossible because I don't seem happy or as attached to him...and he can't live like this.

 

The other night we had a fight about something totally different and I got so irate I ran into the other bedroom and slammed the door. I told him I needed to cool down or I would say more things I didn't mean. He came in and told me that what I had done was grounds for immediate separation because his wife doesn't sleep in other bedrooms. So he does this bullying thing ... a lot.

 

During this argument, it came up that I could be pregnant.. (we hadn't been careful this month as we should ...and I wondered if I should take the morning after pill.) I told him I didn't want to because I want another child ...and he said "oh with me...or with another guy?" I was so appalled that he would say this to me I nearly punched the wall. I said, how in the world do you think it's okay to say something like that to your wife. He said he thinks I just want a baby...and it isn't because I'm dying to have HIS baby.

 

BAIL! BAIL! BAIL! BAIL! BAIL!

 

If you are looking for a sign, go online, go to local sign-making shop and have them make up a list of the crap he's said and done to you.

 

Plus, he's already looking to 'protect his assets' and claiming he already has grounds to separate from you and that you want to be pregnant by someone else?!???

 

Look at the SICK CRAP he says to you!

That is some pretty sick stuff and you are less than six months in!

 

Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

Seriously. The only good thing about this situation is that you have a chance to get out early, without losing a decade or two to this guy. Because he's devaluing you VERY QUICKLY.

 

And YES, he's full of it!

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dreamingoftigers
Yeah, the idea that he's using porn bothers me. We both said we wouldn't do that and he has even told me today that if he found this -- he would want to leave me over it. He freaks out if i even look twice at another guy or gets jealous when a good looking actor is on the tv. THAT is how jealous he is. I do not do that to him ...at all. BUT - I do not want him looking at porn (for sure without me). I have asked if he wanted that and he said no.

 

He is also going to great lengths to prove tonight that I am doing things wrong. He was mad because my employer took 2 weeks to turn in some stupid insurance form and he is getting backdated requests for some 200 dollar payment. He is acting like it's all my fault AND he's going though his phone and saying "something is strange" with his folders in gmail and trying to insinuate someone is hacking into his account. He is not pleasant at all and he's trying to make it out that I'm in trouble for everything under the sun...

 

I feel like i'm constantly dodging bullets because I am upset over this...

 

Oh yes. You get to be responsible for every bad thing in his life. Oh yay.

 

Does he talk about his ex like this? I assume he has one.

Have you ever met her and asked about it if he has an ex?

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