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Young wife void of a sex drive


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Johnsmith1003

I'll try to keep this short and sweet, and denounce any assumptions you may make to get as clear a message across as possible.

 

I'm 25, wife 22. Met 4 years ago, married shortly after. We have a 2 yr old son. We both go to school and work. Life can be stressful because of these reasons but for the most part we're happy. We do things together, we prioritize for each other. We get along great.

 

Then the sex. I just have no idea here. She hardly ever has a sex drive. She doesn't mind if she doesn't orgasm. She finds sex afterward gross (maybe in a tease way but nonetheless...). Don't get me wrong, she'll pleasure me nearly any time I request it, she just doesn't want it. Idk if it's stress (hardly, while that's a factor I do my best to even it out with fun activities) or weight gain (not sudden). She says she became apathetic to it after our son because it's now viewed by her as exclusive baby making and not something to have fun with. Idk if it's post partum depression or what. Again, we get along great and she does like pleasuring me but on her end its easily take it or leave it. Hell, she hardly even masturbates. Sex before kid, she had more spunk and was more kinky. Can someone shed some light? If you want answers instead of assuming, please just ask. Thank you.

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Is her lack of sex drive a deal-breaker for you? I know some women who really aren't into sex that much. But if she gives you what you want, I am not sure what your concern is. Do you want her to want the sex too? Or are you looking for more kinkier sex and excitement in bed that she's not keen on doing?

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Johnsmith1003
Is her lack of sex drive a deal-breaker for you? I know some women who really aren't into sex that much. But if she gives you what you want, I am not sure what your concern is. Do you want her to want the sex too? Or are you looking for more kinkier sex and excitement in bed that she's not keen on doing?

 

 

 

Both but mostly the former. Seems like I'm unwanted somehow. I also enjoy sex exponentially the most when I know I'm pleasing the other person otherwise it seems selfish

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WaitingForBardot

If her apathy towards sex only developed after your son was born you may be able to rekindle it (the sex). If it existed beforehand, what you are seeing is what you are going to get.

 

I've had two girlfriends in my life that did not enjoy sex. Both of them were very willing and accommodating because they recognized it was important to me/most men, but neither enjoyed it. This was not enough for me. The first one I stuck with for about a year hoping she'd come around, which she didn't. The second one I broke it off with after a couple of months because I could then recognize the pattern.

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If it only got that way after having a baby it's possible it could be something hormonal.... might be something she needs to talk to her OBGYN about.

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Is she afraid of getting pregnant again?

 

I was thinking along these lines too.

 

She might not want to get pregnant and add another child to her responsibilities which appear to be pretty loaded already. Even if it is not a conscious decision, her body and more primal internal signals might be saying, "no more children now." While sex is fun, really, at one primal level, the drive to have sex is the drive to reproduce.

Edited by BlueIris
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Maybe she's all stretched out now and it doesn't feel the same.

 

Does she have poor muscle tone?

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There are many possible root causes, and guesses won't help. Instead, read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis for a comprehensive and practical approach to understanding and addressing this serious issue. Get two copies.

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This could be a number of factors.

 

For starters toddlers are exhausting and there's nothing fun and sexy about life when they are around.

 

The hormones may still be a little out of whack from having the baby/nursing etc.

 

Priorities change after women have babies and having hot sex is one of the things that often falls off the priority charts.

 

Attraction is often deeply impacted after a baby as well. That jock that she thought was a hot hunk before the child can turn into a garden variety A-hole if he is still out playing sports with the boys and partying while she is stuck changing diapers and cleaning up puke by herself.

 

Conversely, a woman can also lose attraction if the husband becomes too much of a beta provider and caregiver and loses most of his masculinity.

 

There is a pretty narrow strike zone between being supportive sand still retaining some masculine attractiveness.

 

The fact she is still accommodating your requests means there is hope for the moment even though it's not the level of passion and excitement you'd like.

 

It was about 2 years after our 2nd child was born before my wife had a return of libido at all so it was over 4 years of very lackluster and disappointing life in the bedroom, but it did come back to approx 75% of what it had been before.

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I have two recommendations.

 

One is to check out the books "married Man Sexlife" and the website of the same name. The author and organizer of the website is Athol Kay and MMSL is highly geared towards husbands being as attractive and desirable as they can while still being an involved father and supportive husband.

 

My other recommendation is make sure you don't get pregnant again untill this situation is improved to a level that your marriage is stable and you are reasonably confident that you two will remain together.

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Johnsmith1003
Is she afraid of getting pregnant again?

 

All very good responses here. If anything it is I who is terrified of it. She says having another would be a bad idea (and I agree X 6^23). Rather jump off a cliff ? In fact, when there was a scare a month ago, she was rather giddy about it, so maybe the contrary. Thank every living fiber of my being it was false.

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Johnsmith1003
If it only got that way after having a baby it's possible it could be something hormonal.... might be something she needs to talk to her OBGYN about.

 

 

 

We considered it may be a faulty thyroid too, but testing is hard to triangulate doc says.

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Johnsmith1003
Its biology, she has procreated so she is done for now.

 

You however still have the urge to procreate.

 

This response is somehow most refreshing. Like it's only a hiatus.

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Johnsmith1003
Maybe she's all stretched out now and it doesn't feel the same.

 

Does she have poor muscle tone?

 

I thought about this too, but it hasn't been a common complaint, plus if she wanted to get off other ways, I'm adventurous, but still no.

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This might be a stupid comment, but I do hope that you sort this out with your wife and not look for the sex elsewhere.... :"> Just a gently reminder:bunny:

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Johnsmith1003
This could be a number of factors.

 

For starters toddlers are exhausting and there's nothing fun and sexy about life when they are around.

 

The hormones may still be a little out of whack from having the baby/nursing etc.

 

Priorities change after women have babies and having hot sex is one of the things that often falls off the priority charts.

 

The fact she is still accommodating your requests means there is hope for the moment even though it's not the level of passion and excitement you'd like.

 

 

Thank you oldshirt, these above sound most appropriate in my case. If she hears the kid, that sessions fun is over. She also beats herself up for failing to initiate breastfeeding. Kid wouldn't latch. She beats herself up with it when frankly, I'm just glad he got some type of nutrition at all. She's too hung up on where it came from, despite me telling her more often than not women have problems with breastfeeding at all. And like you said, if she entertains me now, it's a good sign for later. I tend to agree.

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Give it time, be supportive, and be helpful with your child and housework - but do not we a wuss or classic nice guy being nice with the covert contract (expectation) that you can nice her into wanting to have sex.

 

 

There's a free book (search online, or buy at Amazon) called No More Mr. Nice Guy, that may help you reach the right balance for dealing with some of this.

 

 

Eventually, though, it may be that there's a hormonal issue, or she's just naturally very low drive. She may have responsive desire (which means she responds if you initiate, but may never initiate on her own), which is difficult when you also want to be desired and shown you matter to her. Hopefully things will improve, but if not, what do YOU need from the relationship, and are you getting enough of it to be - at least - content?

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And like you said, if she entertains me now, it's a good sign for later. I tend to agree.

 

And I hope you appreciate what a genuinely loving act on her to part to recognize how different your needs currently are from hers. For many partners, if they're not interested in sex, you won't be getting any either.

 

She sounds like a generous spirit and a keeper. Don't make the mistake of focusing solely on what you don't have...

 

Mr. Lucky

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to the OP...from where I stand, u don't have much of a problem...

 

 

at least your getting some...many male posters on here would love for their wife to still be as "active" as yours...try once a week, then once a month..etc

 

 

however..it seems the "problem" is she's losing interest>

 

 

solutions

 

 

DO ROMANTIC STUFF..take her on a small boattrip...go shopping together

genuinely be interested in what she's doing with the kids...

get a babysitter for a night and go to the theatre.

 

 

ALSO...go buy a vibrator and lingerie for her...but keep it secret until your getting steamy together...then you can spice things up.

 

 

before you know it, she'll be giving you suggestive looks.

 

 

good luck buddy..and don't worry..your young and more importantly you clearly love each other so no biggie.

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I'll try to keep this short and sweet, and denounce any assumptions you may make to get as clear a message across as possible.

 

I'm 25, wife 22. Met 4 years ago, married shortly after. We have a 2 yr old son. We both go to school and work. Life can be stressful because of these reasons but for the most part we're happy. We do things together, we prioritize for each other. We get along great.

 

Then the sex. I just have no idea here. She hardly ever has a sex drive. She doesn't mind if she doesn't orgasm. She finds sex afterward gross (maybe in a tease way but nonetheless...). Don't get me wrong, she'll pleasure me nearly any time I request it, she just doesn't want it. Idk if it's stress (hardly, while that's a factor I do my best to even it out with fun activities) or weight gain (not sudden). She says she became apathetic to it after our son because it's now viewed by her as exclusive baby making and not something to have fun with. Idk if it's post partum depression or what. Again, we get along great and she does like pleasuring me but on her end its easily take it or leave it. Hell, she hardly even masturbates. Sex before kid, she had more spunk and was more kinky. Can someone shed some light? If you want answers instead of assuming, please just ask. Thank you.

 

You met 4 years ago, have a 2 year old child. I'm going to take a guess and say that you married and conceived while still in the infatuation/limerence phase of your relationship.

 

During those early months, up to 1-2 years in, there are all sorts of happy hormones and chemicals released during your interactions. This often means frequent and intense sex.

 

With time, the hormone happy dies down a bit and the couple usually reaches some kind of baseline with occasional peaks and valleys.

 

It's entirely possible that your wife was more interested in sex and kinkier back then because she was under the influence of infatuation/limerence. Now that you have passed that phase, she has reached her baseline and this is just how she is.

 

Could also be she is so busy between being a wife, mother, student, etc. that she just doesn't think about sex very often.

 

And, of course, out of whack hormones or damage from the pregnancy and delivery could also be culprits.

 

Definitely talk to her and see if she would be willing to talk to her doctor and investigate possibilities.

 

The million dollar question is will you be happy being married to this woman for the next 40+ years if it turns out there is nothing wrong with her physically and she just isn't much into sex, but is willing to accommodate you?

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Just to add onto what i said earlier...I entirely agree it's important she enjoys sex and orgasm/s and that makes you happier too...give and take etc..

I would also do some reading about what turns woman on with their husbands..eg cook for her one night..plan a night out..buy flowers etc..just

a start..good luck..

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Just chiming in to add....

 

Do you EVER want more children? If not, have you thought about a vasectomy?

 

You being terrified of her getting pregnant, but wanting sex, and her being "giddy" with a scare, and not really wanting sex sounds like a SCARY combo.

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