How to just "let it go"??

[gonnadropthemic]

Married almost 13 years, 5 kids... been through it all it seems

 

My husband has been known to tell white lies in the past and I've always just been angry and let it go. However he told a pretty major lie back in August and I'm struggling to move on. It involves a female co-worker helping us in a terrible situation. he had lied and said it was this male co-worker until I found a text message from her and it had her name. I've always felt and accused my husband of having affairs in the past bc of some things that happened during the first year of being together. Since that first year I have never had "actual evidence" of anything.

 

So when I found out about this lie with the female co-worker it was a huge trigger for me. It wasn't just one lie, it was several over a few days. First she was male, then she was old, really old, fat, ugly... etc. I googled her name and there she was.. young, my age, not fat, and somewhat attractive. I was immediately hurt and felt so betrayed and then all the what ifs came in to play. What if there is more to her than I know or think?? Since August my mind has been playing awful mind games. Nothing more has come of "her" but some weird things have been happening with my husband and my intuition keeps dinging that something just isn't right.

 

Either way, it's February and since I don't have any evidence or no anything about this situation, I want to just LET IT GO.

 

I'm trying SO HARD. My husband doesn't understand why i'm so upset over this and it wasn't a big deal, it was 6 months ago etc etc... He keeps saying I was just trying not to cause problems and all I said was, well now our marriage is in jeopardy bc I'm having a hard time moving forward from this lie you told me.

 

He does nothing to help with this situation either. He has opted to get a polygraph and I'm leaning towards it. Maybe that will help??? If I can confirm that there is no affairs going on?

 

I also asked him if he minded if emailed her husband to confirm that they did pay for something to help us out in August and just to see if it was all that simple. My husband was like sure, of course! do it! then a few mins later changed it to, just be careful, I don't want to lose my job bc she will say you are harassing her. So now I don't know if I should email her husband or not, or JUST LET IT GO. But how???!?!?

 

I tend to get obsessive and this time it's really keeping me down and depressed. I'm sick of living like this. I've also been thinking maybe I just need to move on and be divorced. I've mentioned this to him several times and all I ever get back is the same ole begging me not to leave, bc he never lies and is so honest with me and loves me sooooooo much.

But yet, he does lie.

[Whoknew30]

Have you spoken to her? Sometimes men (spouses) do lie (not that's it right) about friends of the opposite sex , not bc they're truly doing anything wrong but bc they know how their wives/husbands are & don't want to deal with. When I was younger, I had many male friends & my H was so jealous that I stopped telling him when I would hang out with them. These were guys I never felt emotion for but it didn't matter to him.

 

I don't know about your H but if he's saying he'll take a polygraph bc your threating divorce, then allow him to do it. If it comes out he's telling the truth, I'd go seek some IC bc you don't seem (going by what you wrote) to have much control over your emotions. That's not healthy & you have 5 kids & just your own mental peace to think about.

 

Remember, no one wants to open up to someone they feel is going to blow up all the time.

Edited February 2, 2016 by Whoknew30
Spelling

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband has been known to tell white lies in the past and I've always just been angry and let it go. However he told a pretty major lie back in August and I'm struggling to move on. It involves a female co-worker helping us in a terrible situation. he had lied and said it was this male co-worker until I found a text message from her and it had her name. I've always felt and accused my husband of having affairs in the past bc of some things that happened during the first year of being together. Since that first year I have never had "actual evidence" of anything.

 

Without knowing his - and your - motivation to seek this co-worker's help, hard to understand why he'd feel the need to lie about her gender. And why you'd be so upset at his having done so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dichotomy]

.

 

Either way, it's February and since I don't have any evidence or no anything about this situation, I want to just LET IT GO.

 

 

 

Why don't you?

 

You have access to all his bank and credit card statements, work and personal emails, phone records and text, and social media accounts right ?

 

that would help you let it go I think.. you can't move forward to resolve issues if you don't know it all.

Edited February 2, 2016 by dichotomy

[gonnadropthemic]

Have you spoken to her? Sometimes men (spouses) do lie (not that's it right) about friends of the opposite sex , not bc they're truly doing anything wrong but bc they know how their wives/husbands are & don't want to deal with. When I was younger, I had many male friends & my H was so jealous that I stopped telling him when I would hang out with them. These were guys I never felt emotion for but it didn't matter to him.

 

I don't know about your H but if he's saying he'll take a polygraph bc your threating divorce, then allow him to do it. If it comes out he's telling the truth, I'd go seek some IC bc you don't seem (going by what you wrote) to have much control over your emotions. That's not healthy & you have 5 kids & just your own mental peace to think about.

 

Remember, no one wants to open up to someone they feel is going to blow up all the time.

 

 

No, I have not spoken to her at all. And I do feel that my husband is this way with me bc he has mentioned before that he didn't want to tell me something bc I would get upset over it, so he just lied. Sadly, I understand this and get this, but it still hurts to be lied to. yes 5, kids combined the 2 oldest are away and grown and we just have our 3 littles here.

Our son was in an accident in August and I think just that happening is making my emotions all over the place. It was a pretty traumatic time. It was during this time things just got weird with my husband while me and our son was in the hospital or I just started noticing things had changed with us. Our car was broke down and we fixed it ourselves but a week later she had offered to have our car fixed... so 1200 and a tuneup later, he claims the car is fixed now. I think the car was fine after we fixed it so it was odd to me that he would even consider having a co-worker do this and I never would fully agree or say yes or no, I just told him it was his decision.... and then finding out she was female, my age.. just drove my mind crazy.

So yes, I would agree I probably do need some IC as lately I just feel like I'm having a harder time just letting things go. But do people really let go of spouses lying to them so easily? Maybe I just need a new spouse.

We share a cell phone, he doesn't do social media... so there really isn't much to check up on so to speak.

[dichotomy]

We share a cell phone, he doesn't do social media... so there really isn't much to check up on so to speak.

 

OW is a coworker? Does he have a company email account or personal email account that he uses regularly?

 

Yes a lying spouse hurts.

[Whoknew30]

Every marriage is different. What one person can get over, another may not.

 

It's weird to except that kind of money from a coworker, but he did tell you. I don't know if he's behaving odd bc he knew when you found out it was a woman, you'd freak out (if that's how you've been in the past) or he has some type of inappropriate relationship with this woman. If he's willing to take a lie detector test, it sounds like he hasn't crossed a serious boundary.

 

I understand the stress of kids (BELIEVE ME!) & how that can affect a woman. It's easy to take it out on our spouses sometimes . Sounds like you need a break!

 

Lying is never good but sometimes people lie bc they don't want a problem where they feel there isn't one. If he only lied about that, is it worth quitting your marriage of that many years? Everyone lies, you're not going to go through life without anyone lying to you. There is no perfect. What you explain he sounds like a decent husband but he isn't perfect. No one is, everyone has issues & no man (or person) you cross is without them. if his are too much for you, then do what you have to do but I'll be honest, most other men aren't going to deal with your issue of not being able to handle your emotions. It will always be something in a relationship with anyone you're with, only you know what you can & cannot take but don't think another relationship will be problem free.

 

I hope you figure it out for your own wellbeing.

[sandylee1]

I wouldn't lend or borrow that kind of money from ANY coworker that I've ever worked with. That's pretty suspicious to me. Why would he loose his job if you contacted her H...how could she claim harassment if they are just friends? Almost all the OW start out as friends.

 

He's agreeing to a poly because he doesn't think you will go ahead with it. Find one..book the appointment ...then watch him wriggle out of it. Just how he changed his tune when you wanted to email her husband. He'll use every excuse going or confess to just enough to stop you going through with arranging the poly. Don't listen to him and proceed. If he out and out refuses.....you have your answer.

 

You won't find evidence because they see each other at work. Everything including sex can happen at work and during lunch breaks. He could have a second phone..... you've good reason to feel uneasy .

 

She will pay for stuff so bank details are pointless.

 

His boundaries with her are a danger to your marriage.

[gonnadropthemic]

yes, this female is a co-worker with him... they work at a hospital together.

I think that is why my mind wanders so much bc I have known of so many hospital affairs that have happened and how easy it is....

 

He has a work and personal email. I have the passwords to both and honestly he NEVER checks them OR uses them.... He has like no link to the outside world besides our cell phone and he uses it to just talk to his oldest son.

 

I have thought before that since he has a locker at work, he could be hiding things in that locker and i would never know. He is able to buy things there at the hospital at the gift shop, so he could have cologne, and all sorts of things there. (his account at the gift shop is really high so I've wondered why about this as well)

 

I do check all our money accounts tightly and have noticed for the past year he has managed to sneak away around 60-100 a month. With 5.00 or 10. increments.. they just come up missing and I usually am to blame as I keep all the cash and it looks like I've done something wrong. (so he says), or it will usually be the typical "I needed gas and didn't get a receipt bc I was running late"..... This has what has raised my intuition lately, that and the all of a sudden having to work every Saturday or sunday.

 

I realize I make it hard for him to tell me the truth on things and I hate that. I wish so bad I could just let things go and move forward and be a trusting person.

 

Yes, he is all for this polygraph! and now it's under the stipulation I get one as well haha which I don't mind but seems odd and a bit funny for me to do one. but if that's what it takes then I guess so. I asked him what happens if he fails it and he said then I can have whatever I want in a divorce no contested... say what??

And he has jumped to this many times and when it comes around to payday (he keeps saying every pay period he is going to get one) he is mr prince charming, loving husband so I don't even think twice about going to book it.

 

I need to just book it looks like.

[Gemma1]

Why don't you email her and her husband and just thank them for helping you out and how much you appreciate it and how you hate you never said anything before? Don't question it in an accusatory way, just thank them. If anything weird is going on, their response should clue you in. And there's absolutely no way she could construe this as harassment. I wouldn't even tell you husband you are doing it, so they can't prepare for it if there is something going on. Just do it - it's a perfectly norm/polite thing to do anyway so there's no downside.

[gonnadropthemic]

Why don't you email her and her husband and just thank them for helping you out and how much you appreciate it and how you hate you never said anything before? Don't question it in an accusatory way, just thank them. If anything weird is going on, their response should clue you in. And there's absolutely no way she could construe this as harassment. I wouldn't even tell you husband you are doing it, so they can't prepare for it if there is something going on. Just do it - it's a perfectly norm/polite thing to do anyway so there's no downside.

 

 

this is totally what I want to do.. just to see if the hubs knows as well. But then I start feeling guilty like what if I cause a crap storm for them and nothing has been happening with her and my hubby.

I have found her husbands fb and hers, but hers is more private. I don't know how to email both at the same time without being their friends on facebook and I am def not going to add them... any suggestions on that? or just send 2 separate fb messages saying the same thing- one to her and one to him?

I think if I just sent one message saying thankyou like you said, it would help get some closure and I def don't think that's harassing in anyway.

 

Supposedly my husband had asked a manager at work to not work with her anymore and do anymore surgeries with her and he claims they complied with his request and he hasn't worked with her since August. (which I know is not true as he specializes in her field and the only one who can do the job)

So that has me thinking (if he is telling the truth about asking to no longer work with her), there could be an awkward situation there created by him all bc he lied to me about this. Which seems a bit harsh on his part for having a coworker be so generous.... and my jealousy in the past has never caused him to not "work" with someone at work anymore. So I don't believe that at all. I think he's just saying that to pass me over.

[Gemma1]

How would it cause a storm between them? And yeah, I would just send two separate but identical messages.

[sandylee1]

Your husband is being FAR from truthful. You don't need any more than the messages. I'm wondering why bother with the poly in some ways..because those emails are enough to end it. Even if he passes..why would you want to be married to a man who called your marriage a sham? Said she was the one who got away.

 

It's your life..your marriage...but how would you feel knowing what he has said. At every anniversary or just looking at him I'd be thinking here's another year of the sham.

[bigbaby]

I think you really need marriage counseling.

 

 

This isn't just about one incident and if you don't trust someone, they can never be proven innocent. There will always be something else that you wonder about.

 

 

He might be up to something or he might just lie because he doesn't want to go through a major tirade over every little thing.

 

 

It sounds like a miserable pattern and a marriage counselor can help you both unravel it and figure out why you both do what you do and where to go from here. I mean, that's what they do.

 

 

I would certainly try that before even thinking about becoming a single mother with five kids or continuing to be be tormented mentally.

 

 

This crappy little interaction pattern between the two of you might actually be resolved in a short amount of time, with *skilled* help. Good luck!

[gonnadropthemic]

Your husband is being FAR from truthful. You don't need any more than the messages. I'm wondering why bother with the poly in some ways..because those emails are enough to end it. Even if he passes..why would you want to be married to a man who called your marriage a sham? Said she was the one who got away.

 

It's your life..your marriage...but how would you feel knowing what he has said. At every anniversary or just looking at him I'd be thinking here's another year of the sham.

 

What does the bold and underline mean? I'm confused on that...

he hasn't called our marriage a sham and said there was one that got away...

 

or am I reading that all wrong?

[gonnadropthemic]

How would it cause a storm between them? And yeah, I would just send two separate but identical messages.

 

That's a good idea.

I just think it would cause a storm bc if there is truly nothing going on bw them... but what if SHE is up to no good with others and I just opened a can of worms in their marriage.

 

I would just feel really bad for causing trouble in a marriage... you really have no idea how anothers marriage is. I try to think if someone were to email me and have questions, I would be immediately suspicious and it could cause some turmoil.... BUT that's bc we already have problems.

 

I don't know...that's what keeps going back and forth in my mind.

[gonnadropthemic]

I think you really need marriage counseling.

 

 

This isn't just about one incident and if you don't trust someone, they can never be proven innocent. There will always be something else that you wonder about.

 

 

He might be up to something or he might just lie because he doesn't want to go through a major tirade over every little thing.

 

 

It sounds like a miserable pattern and a marriage counselor can help you both unravel it and figure out why you both do what you do and where to go from here. I mean, that's what they do.

 

 

I would certainly try that before even thinking about becoming a single mother with five kids or continuing to be be tormented mentally.

 

 

This crappy little interaction pattern between the two of you might actually be resolved in a short amount of time, with *skilled* help. Good luck!

 

 

Thank you... I def do think marriage counseling is something we need to look into. We have went in the past and it actually caused MORE problems than it ever did any good. We would go to the appt and sit outside in the car arguing for another hour or 2.. it was awful.

 

I was thinking about that this morning... maybe it's just time to call it quits and move on from a spouse I can't trust. I keep thinking of how "I" can rebuild our marriage and work on myself to gain trust back for him. But I don't think I can, bc I will be basically do it alone and what good is that.

 

I read an article last night about narcissism and psycopaths and how they compulsively lie and I hate to even admit this, but the article sounded just like my husband! Which makes me think, that he's never going to change.

I'm at the point I need to accept it, him and our marriage or move on.

and I don't want to settle.

[sandylee1]

What does the bold and underline mean? I'm confused on that...

he hasn't called our marriage a sham and said there was one that got away...

 

or am I reading that all wrong?

 

I'm so so sorry..I posted this on the wrong thread. It was a reply to someone else whose husband said those things. Please accept my apologies and ignore that post altogether.

[gonnadropthemic]

I'm so so sorry..I posted this on the wrong thread. It was a reply to someone else whose husband said those things. Please accept my apologies and ignore that post altogether.

 

lol no big deal! I kind of had thought that's what happened

Thank you for clearing that up

[Gemma1]

That's a good idea.

I just think it would cause a storm bc if there is truly nothing going on bw them... but what if SHE is up to no good with others and I just opened a can of worms in their marriage.

 

I would just feel really bad for causing trouble in a marriage... you really have no idea how anothers marriage is. I try to think if someone were to email me and have questions, I would be immediately suspicious and it could cause some turmoil.... BUT that's bc we already have problems.

 

I don't know...that's what keeps going back and forth in my mind.

I hear ya but that's why sending them a "thank you" email is a good move...you wouldn't be emailing them "asking questions" you'd be just doing what any normal person would do in this situation - thanking them for a huge favor. If there isn't anything going on, there's just no way this could cause problems for them. If there IS something going on, either because she's up to no good or your husband is, then it's on them, not you.

 

To be honest, I think a thank you note is usually the thing to do in a situation like this anyway, even if you weren't suspicious of anything.

[scrapbooker]

Sometimes men (spouses) do lie (not that's it right) about friends of the opposite sex , not bc they're truly doing anything wrong but bc they know how their wives/husbands are & don't want to deal with.

 

The question then becomes - is lying still lying "if we have a really good reason"?

 

Um...yep. It's lying. It's deceptive. It's wrong.

 

Period

[sandylee1]

I think the ****storm would come from the situation where the H has no idea his wife has lent a coworker that kind of money...then he'll ask his wife what's going on.

 

My concern would be how close he's gotten to her..it starts off like this..then comes all the nonsense of 'he's my best friend ' from OW. He needs to stop lying..but you need to be calm with him and make him feel comfortable enough to be honest.

 

It's about communicating better with each other.

[Whoknew30]

The question then becomes - is lying still lying "if we have a really good reason"?

 

Um...yep. It's lying. It's deceptive. It's wrong.

 

Period

 

I'm saying unless your're Jesus, you've lied. Everyone living on earth has lied, including yourself. I don't care how small or big, is it worth a long marriage? When in reality everyone is going to lie & be lied to about something at some point.

 

It's also wrong as a spouse to not be able to control your temper when talked to about something.

[gonnadropthemic]

I think the ****storm would come from the situation where the H has no idea his wife has lent a coworker that kind of money...then he'll ask his wife what's going on.

 

My concern would be how close he's gotten to her..it starts off like this..then comes all the nonsense of 'he's my best friend ' from OW. He needs to stop lying..but you need to be calm with him and make him feel comfortable enough to be honest.

 

It's about communicating better with each other.

 

 

Yep, I think if he had no clue his wife did this then it will be bad. but you are right, that's on them, not me..... just a nice thank you.

[gonnadropthemic]

I'm saying unless your're Jesus, you've lied. Everyone living on earth has lied, including yourself. I don't care how small or big, is it worth a long marriage? When in reality everyone is going to lie & be lied to about something at some point.

 

It's also wrong as a spouse to not be able to control your temper when talked to about something.

 

I'm a very honest person, so I guess I just expect that from a spouse. It seems though, that maybe I shouldn't. But then again, shouldn't I be able to have an honest spouse?

I'm actually ok with little white lies here and there... but when it's constant, over and over- it gets a little old and now I have a hard time believing anything that comes out of his mouth.

 

I do have a temper, but control it pretty good during confrontations.

Actually, I just ignore him. After I catch him in a lie, I just sorta 180, keep to myself and then question him. It's during this questioning things get heated... I'll try to stay calm but he will just keep raising his voice, louder and louder and screaming at me. VERY defensive and I will just walk away bc I can't handle that stuff. He is not nice during these conversations.

Sometimes I try to explain to him calmly that i'm just having a hard time getting over this and he will act like he understands but then expects me to just move on and get over it. Until the next time