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I love the man.

 

THERE HAVE JUST BEEN SO MANY ISSUES.

 

Now we're supposed to be getting married.

 

There was a short period of time where in the beginning I was made to feel jealous and unimportant. Boy that showed through and pushed him away really hard. I was going through alot and so was he. He didnt think I was as serious snd blames the whole thing on mis communication.

 

I finally broke down and went through his things and found he told another woman he loved her, and ththen later found his online naked account where he had pics posted, and was sending and receiving messages to and from other women.

 

Now he proposed and I said yes.

 

I dunno what to do. This is such a mess.

 

Any advice would help.

 

I want to marry him and think this won't happen again. But I alre feel cheated. I doubt anythinghappene in person. But ill never know the truth.

 

We have cussed and discussed this, set boundaries, etc. Wondering if it's possible that this can stand the test of time.

 

Siiiigh. Cold Feet.

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lucy_in_disguise

Did he propose in response to your finding out about the messages and online account? I would have a hard time taking the proposal seriously, if thats the case. There is no excuse for that behaivior and using an engagement ring as a band-aid is pretty lame.

 

If you have any doubts, have a long engagement and keep your eyes open for further red flags.

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How long have you been together?

 

 

If it's been a while & he now makes you feel important stop punishing him & yourself for how things were in the beginning. If you still don't feel important, reconsider getting married.

 

 

Has this on line account been closed? For how long? I agree if the proposal came as a direct response to your discovery of the account, you made a mistake accepting the proposal.

 

 

Honestly, if you don't trust him, you can't marry him because your marriage will fail. Marriage is a partnership. It's not always easy. You see the other person at their very worst some days but you still have to work together as a team.

 

 

At the very least, have a long engagement & get premarital counseling. Do not put down any non-refundable deposits until you have completed the counseling.

 

 

Good luck.

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I love the man.

 

THERE HAVE JUST BEEN SO MANY ISSUES.

 

Now we're supposed to be getting married.

 

There was a short period of time where in the beginning I was made to feel jealous and unimportant. Boy that showed through and pushed him away really hard. I was going through alot and so was he. He didnt think I was as serious snd blames the whole thing on mis communication.

 

I finally broke down and went through his things and found he told another woman he loved her, and ththen later found his online naked account where he had pics posted, and was sending and receiving messages to and from other women.

 

Now he proposed and I said yes.

 

I dunno what to do. This is such a mess.

 

Any advice would help.

 

I want to marry him and think this won't happen again. But I alre feel cheated. I doubt anythinghappene in person. But ill never know the truth.

 

We have cussed and discussed this, set boundaries, etc. Wondering if it's possible that this can stand the test of time.

 

Siiiigh. Cold Feet.

 

sm2281,

 

I don't think he is ready for marriage. If I was you, I would accept his proposal, but put a 18 month wait until you marry. I would let him know that this time is for both of you to be as a connected couple. What you are trying to do is see, if he can be trustworthy, with a long enough time that will show his true colors. Year and a half will show it. A long engagement is not a bad thing.

 

I wish you luck.

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I finally broke down and went through his things and found he told another woman he loved her, and ththen later found his online naked account where he had pics posted, and was sending and receiving messages to and from other women.

 

Courtship and engagement are basically trial marriages, where you get a preview of what a committed relationship with this person looks like.

 

You've had your free look.

 

If someone cheated on me (multiple times!) during the limerence period of a relationship where you're supposed to be infatuated with each other, I'd be somewhat skeptical of their ability to be faithful during the long-term challenges of marriage.

 

But maybe that's just me :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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So basically you guys are all saying if I have jealousy it's pushing him to cheat, anf when it is hard he will fail.

 

He never actually slept woth anyone else, but online and flirting are just the same in my eyes. It instills the same type of jealousy.

 

The proposal came 3 days afyet me telling him that we should go our seperate ways when our lease is up if he doesnt know or isnt ready to decide if its me or not.

 

The online account was closed immediately, months ago. . .the proposal was not in direct response to the issues.

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You need to listen to the alarm bells that are going off in your head. Please do not marry this guy. You'll end up divorced in less than 3 yrs. There's a reason why you're getting cold feet. Listen to your instincts. They're trying to tell you something. Run. Don't walk.

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You need to listen to the alarm bells that are going off in your head. Please do not marry this guy. You'll end up divorced in less than 3 yrs. There's a reason why you're getting cold feet. Listen to your instincts. They're trying to tell you something. Run. Don't walk.

 

I sent him a message with exactly that timeline. 3years. Oiii its such a mess.

 

My head and my heart frequently get into fights.

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I sent him a message with exactly that timeline. 3years. Oiii its such a mess.

 

My head and my heart frequently get into fights.

 

then marry him. just don't have any children with him for at least three years.

 

good luck.

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I sent him a message with exactly that timeline. 3years. Oiii its such a mess.

 

My head and my heart frequently get into fights.

 

It doesn't matter what kind of mess it is right now. It won't even compare to the mess you'll encounter when you want to divorce him. Cut out the cancer and move on. If nothing else, call off the wedding.

 

I married three different times, knowing in my heart they weren't right. I divorced every one of them. No regrets about the divorces but I wasted my time on people I didn't need to be with. Divorces are heartbreaking, too, even when the marriage needs to end. Do everything you can to avoid that situation.

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What should people give for wedding presents? Voice activated recorders, keylogger software, and vouchers for marriage counseling when you catch him cheating again?

 

You don't have cold feet. You have your instincts and common sense telling you not to marry this man.

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I wouldn't have said yes.

 

I would need to feel certain, and in your situation I wouldn't.

 

However, a long engagement might help to establish that certainty.

 

 

Take care.

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lucy_in_disguise
So basically you guys are all saying if I have jealousy it's pushing him to cheat, anf when it is hard he will fail.

 

He never actually slept woth anyone else, but online and flirting are just the same in my eyes. It instills the same type of jealousy.

 

The proposal came 3 days afyet me telling him that we should go our seperate ways when our lease is up if he doesnt know or isnt ready to decide if its me or not.

 

The online account was closed immediately, months ago. . .the proposal was not in direct response to the issues.

 

Did you want to break up because of the online flirting? Or was the online flirting in the past but you are reconsidering now?

 

From your post above it kinda sounds like you offered him an ultimatim to propose or break up? What was your goal with that if you dont actually want to marry him?

 

I think if you are not sure, dont do it. You dont need to justify why. This is one of the few situations where gut feeling is very important.

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You are getting cold feet because deep inside, you KNOW the relationship isn't going to last and that these issues you have dealt with will rear their ugly head again.

 

Listen to the red flags.

 

End the engagement...

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Hmmm

Well, I didn't want to waste time on someone who was talking about wonderful things, but whose past had proved otherwise. The online thing was in the past.

 

I was on a nrw birth control medicine that really effed up my hormones. So i was overly emotional and in turn it caised a bunch of jealousy and harship. Essentially that led to him doing the online flirting.

 

I confronted him, we discussed and months passed. I continued to hold the notion he would cheat if things were tough. I did put the pressure on for the next step, but it was time for him to put his money where his mouth was. I do not want to waste another year. My onlybfear is that he will cheat later on. I talked to him last night and he said I deserve everything, and I do. I let him know he does too, but I also deserve it when I am neong emotional and cant communicate. I feel he is genuine in his speak nlw, where as before he wasnt.

 

 

We are rolling up on 2 years next month. A wedding at the end of the year.

 

All of that is in the past. It has been months and months since the beginning of that.

 

It is doffiw to get over, especially when he wadnt there for me during that time. I had needs too. I went through alot. I took the BC shot and there was nothing i could do anout what came with except wait. I bled for 30 days straight and had 17 of the 23 listed side effects from getting on it. That is not my fault and I didnt deaerve for him to distance himself because I was sick. Ibwas very hormonal and jealous too, and would lash out sometimes. I take the blame for that piece of it. Hormones or not, I should have controlled that better.

 

The symptoms from the BC left and now things are much better. We arw actually talking again, but he chalks it all up to a lack of communication.

 

I can let it go, but as said I am having cold feet. My guts are no good due to hefty abuse in a past relationship. I get anxious and nervous sometimes still taking any step with a man. So I cant really trust that completely. I am learning how though :)

 

Thank you all for the advice !

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I didnt mention he did things early on that would instill that jealousy, my reactions to it were just amplified due to the medicine.

 

He never acted on them, but I felt like he was forever going to hold onto his singledom. He is and has always been home every night.

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He never actually slept woth anyone else, but online and flirting are just the same in my eyes. It instills the same type of jealousy.

And cheaters are SO honest that if he said he never slept with anyone, then it MUST be true. :rolleyes:

 

Whether you want to face it or not, you've attached yourself to a serial cheater. A lying, un-remorseful, sneaky serial cheater.

 

Marrying someone like him will be the biggest mistake of your life.

 

THAT'S a promise.

 

Your gut is SCREAMING to you. Why aren't you listening to it?

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He never acted on them, but I felt like he was forever going to hold onto his singledom. He is and has always been home every night.

For the love of all that's holy, go out and spend a few hours reading infidelity boards.

 

Just because he's HOME every night doesn't make him a choir boy. MANY cheaters do their business during the day so they CAN be home at night and not raise any suspicions.

 

You're being way too naive.

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So basically you guys are all saying if I have jealousy it's pushing him to cheat, anf when it is hard he will fail.

 

The online account was closed immediately, months ago. . .the proposal was not in direct response to the issues.

 

I was on a nrw birth control medicine that really effed up my hormones. So i was overly emotional and in turn it caised a bunch of jealousy and harship. Essentially that led to him doing the online flirting.

 

You are brainwashed. If he wasn't fulfilled in the early parts of your relationship, he should have broken up with you, not cheated on you. His decision to betray you was a CHOICE. His choice. It was not caused by anything you did or said. It was not caused by your medication. It was caused because he has little to no integrity.

 

Think about that before you continue this engagement.

 

Even though the OL thing happened 3 years ago and the account was immediately close, you are still upset about it now, as you head toward marriage. That's a problem. Don't you see that?

 

Him blaming you for his decisions is a huge red flag. By marrying him you will only perpetuate your own misery. All those problems won't simply disappear once you say I Do. If you can't trust him wholeheartedly without reservation, you can't marry him. It really is as simple as that.

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I

 

 

 

I finally broke down and went through his things and found he told another woman he loved her, and ththen later found his online naked account where he had pics posted, and was sending and receiving messages to and from other women.

 

 

To me this part is very serious. WTF? You have every reason to have cold feet about marrying this guy.

 

Let me ask you, do you share in paying his bills? Does he need your half of the rent to live?

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To me this part is very serious. WTF? You have every reason to have cold feet about marrying this guy.

 

Let me ask you, do you share in paying his bills? Does he need your half of the rent to live?

 

I actually called and spoke with her after finding the email. . .I doubt there is anything going on there, and doubt there ever was. I think this was out of sheer stupidity and neediness because I was unavailable at the time. I had shut down from the hormones and the arguing. He was looking for an outlet and I caught it before he did anything.

 

You guys are all very very right. I have no arguement

to win this. I feel I have cold feet and he knows the issue I have with him. He knows about the cold feet and why. He asks. I am open about it. I dont have a thing to hide.

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SaveYourHeart

Listen to your gut and do what you think is best. Personally, I would run. Looking back at all the red flags prior to getting married makes me want to slap the younger naive version of me. He has broken your trust, the fact that you haven't gotten over it (not that you're expected to) by now probably means that it will forever be a barrier between the two of you. If you are not 110% happy and ready prior to marriage, you won't be after marriage. Best of luck to you.

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Well I checked his email again today after these convos and such and found about a hundred pics of another one of his exes or currents saved in a personal folder. He has 3 other accounts, that I dont have access to for the moment. I think I have my answer and im just not willing to admit it to myself.

Whats a girl to do now. We have months left in pur lease. Ill just let it be what it is and not loose track of the goals. I hate this. I hate it.

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