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Husband Stalling Having Children


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I've been married for a few years now and I thought my husband and I were on the same page in regards to children. We spoke about this before we got married and through the marriage I begin to let him know that I was getting older so we should get on this asap. In the beginning it seemed as if he came up with every excuse not to and recently he begin to say "I hear you" but never follow through.

 

Well... because of this not following through AND that I'm fast approaching an age where it will be hard to conceive, I brought things up again is I wanted to know if he was going to follow through with his promise. I don't want to be a nag but when someone says they'll do something and months past without anything being done, especially when time is of the essence I'll bring it up again.

 

He responded with this "All Im hearing all this resentment towards me for being the reason you wont have a child and why did I stall etc...... You met me when you were in your 30's so you've had chances to fulfill your desires before meeting me, for whatever reasons...that didnt happen and now, you're looking at the clock and perhaps seeing me as the last resort. All I hear from you is give me a baby."

 

I'm gobsmacked.

 

When I called him on what he said, he claims he was asking me because he was curious... :/ And now it seems like he's playing the victim and is giving me the silent treatment. I understand that this is not mature and that he is using an avoidance tactic but honestly between us, I'm a bit tired of it. I don't even know guys. I love him but what he said above was vicious, especially knowing that I'm concerned about my fertility.

 

He's out of the country until next month - I'm going to talk with a therapist next week to get my feelings out before he comes back and possibly set up a session with us both but figured I'd start here and ask some opinions though I'm pretty sure you'll echo my thoughts.

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My thoughts are don't have a child with someone who doesn't want one, because they will not help you and it will strain the relationship.

 

Can he give you a timeline?

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Underneath his snappy response, I can sense some hurt. Like he feels pressured or only wanted by you as a sperm donor.

 

What are the reasons he has given you as to why he wants to wait? Are his reasons legitimate at all, or do you feel they are fear-based?

 

You don't say how old you are, but I am guessing mid-30s? You need to get on it. And if he truly doesn't want kids, you need to know NOW so you can move on and still have the chance.

 

I am not generally a fan of ultimatums, but in this case, I think it is warranted. He needs to either agree to start trying now, or let you go.

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You discussed kids and I don't understand why he's doing this.

 

 

Is he going to wait till it's too late and then say lets do it.

 

 

Then you start stressing out with fertility clinics and having the pressure of lots of money being spent, which will not hep the situation.

 

 

If he doesn't want kids, let him speak now or forever hold his peace. if he doesn't oppose to it, then I'd go ahead with it.

 

 

Are kids a deal-breaker for you?

They would have been for me, but we discussed it before marriage.

 

 

Personally, I'd have a final talk and if he wasn't on the same page, I'd be gone. I'd have no qualms about it and quite frankly I'd be so angry that walking away would be very easy for me to do after being messed around in such a manner.

 

 

if you hang around and he changes his mind in 5 years, then you can't conceive You'll be very resentful of him.

 

 

I know many many women in your position would just go ahead and have the baby anyway. If he walks....then so be it.

 

 

Mrs. T

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He's got a point. You could have had a child earlier in life and chose not to. That can't be pinned on him.

 

Now, not having a child after discussing it is partially his fault. It's also partially your fault. You let months of precious time pass before bringing it up. You pussyfooted around with the issue and did nag about it after a while. All you really had to do was say "We agreed to have kids. My fertility is waning. I'm going off birth control. If we have sex, it could lead to procreation." At that point, if he had any objections, he could choose not to participate.

Edited by MJJean
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I think you've got two separate issues here.

 

1. Does he even want kids?

 

2. Is he balking at it now because he feels, and has felt for some time that this is all or most of what you want him for, and has seen behavior from you that reinforces this feeling?

 

This sounds a lot like what I'm experiencing and feeling at the moment. My wife is about to enter her mid thirties.

 

This was a key topic during dating, engagement, etc. We agreed to have children prior to marriage, we set a timeframe to start trying over a year ago that is currently six months from now, and now she is constantly bringing it up, constantly asking me to guarantee and promise we will be having a baby, etc. It can be exhausting. Especially when things aren't smooth sailing.

 

So when you discussed it prior to marriage, did you discuss an actual timeframe and a set of conditions?

 

His statement about "that's all you want me for" is pretty telling. While it may just be one of his defense tactics, a lot of men don't like to be seen as purely sperm donors. If it seems to him that this is ALL you're talking about, where all your energy is going, and especially if other aspects of your relationship aren't what he'd like them to be, he's going to balk at the idea of dealing with a living human being for 18 plus years, and a life-altering decision that he's already obviously not thrilled about.

Edited by TheGuard13
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MJJean - The thing is, I did say "We agreed to have kids. My fertility is waning." That exact thing almost. I didn't let months go by without talking, it was a topic that was a constant in varying degrees and inclusive, I started taking prenatals, charting my ovulation, doctor visits/test for both of us and making sure he knew when we should try but nada. It I believe was more of me bringing it up to him again in the form of when are we going to do this, that began the argument above. I didn't have a child in my 20s because I wanted to be in a relationship and more financially stable. The other thing is, he's not trying at all and that's where the issue is, my frustrations. If we tried and nothing ever happened, I would be bummed obviously but at least we would have tried, but with little to no sex...

 

pteromom - Yeah I get that as well and I've tried to be patient but I think my patience has run out. He says he wants them, he said he just wanted to be more stable (financially, emotionally, etc). I'm 37 and had fertility testing and everything's good. The women in my family have had kids into their late 40s without help (he doesn't know this) so that's a positive but you never know.

 

TheGuard13 -

1. Yes he says he does and his background used to involve working with kids.

2. He actually did say that to me, all I wanted him for was for a kid and that floors me because we both had the conversation to make sure we were on the same page. He moved to America to be with me (I actually was okay with moving to Oz but he wanted to be here) He's always talking about what our kid may look like without any prompting by me. But when I bring up making it a reality...

 

We've been together for about 7 years. When we met we spoke about wanting kids and it wasn't brought up again until before we agreed to married and during/after and I only began to bring it up more when we had the conversation that we're going to go ahead do this and things have stalled. I kind of thought it meant we're going to do this now.

 

VeveCakes - Noted. I did ask him for a timeline today but in the past no he could not.

 

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your input on this.

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GunslingerRoland

This happens a lot. Men and women talk about having kids. The woman wants kids, the man says yeah, but really he theoretically is open to the idea of kids someday. Two very different things.

 

 

You need to find out if he wants kids or not. There is no option in the middle. And then you need to make decisions based on his choice.

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I think you've got two separate issues here.

 

So when you discussed it prior to marriage, did you discuss an actual timeframe and a set of conditions?

We were going to give it a go after 1.5 years of marriage. Did not set conditions I guess it was implied but verbally. I honestly didn't think it would be / should be this difficult. Figured he'd keep his word and we'd give it a try but it's starting to feel like a struggle and as someone else said, I dont want to force him to have a kid with me if he doesn't want to but I don't want continue to be kept in limbo while he slowly takes his time. I feel like by saying I Hear you he is essentially saying something that will ease the situation like a bandaid and when things are good, kind of "forgets" about it in a way.

 

I do feel like he's got a bit of insecurity going on, passive aggressiveness and doens't quite know how to communicate effectively.

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One of my good friends at work got married 2 years ago, he has always wanted to have kids and at one time so did his wife....and now she has told him that she doesn't want any. To say the least,it has put his marriege in turmoil. Long story short he has filed for devorse. He still loves his wife but his dream has always been to have kids. We tell him he would make a great father someday. Her dream is to be the head of a corporation and well.....that's all she sees. He tells us that it's sad that he fell in love with a false dream. If it is truly what you want (having kids) and he doesn't, I guess you really only have to choices and thats to stay and prey that he gives you what you want or leave and be strong to someday start another life with someone that has the same dreams you do. And they mean it!

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I think you need to sort out one thing on your own first - Which is more important to you? Having a child even if that means being a single parent? Or being in a relationship that may not involve children.

 

You can't make someone else want children but if he won't budge you need to figure out where your priorities lie.

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Get pregnant and let him deal with it. If he doesn't like it, then he can divorce you. He's going back on what he said and you're running out of time. Game over.

 

No matter how much people love to think that having a child is a joint decision - or aborting a child, for that matter - it's really the woman's choice and no one else's. Nature made it so. So unless he intends to stop having sex with you altogether, then something will eventually give.

 

I'm not usually of the mind to force a child on an unwilling man but since he already agreed to it and knew the circumstances, then I say hold him to it without saying another word about it.

 

Your only other alternative is to leave him and to quickly find another partner that wants to have kids soon. Good luck with that. In essence, your husband has put you between a rock and a hard place. Since he has no qualms about going back on his word and screwing up your life, then I wouldn't have any problem making the decision for him. He can either like it or not.

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Get pregnant and let him deal with it. If he doesn't like it, then he can divorce you. He's going back on what he said and you're running out of time. Game over.

 

Thought I responded to this but just quickly, we're not having sex so it has to be an actual planned event. But yes to everything you've said. He says he still believes in us but his actions are speaking louder than his words. Shrugs.

 

I'll stick to the plan of seeing the therapist, she deals in situations like this AND infertility just in case, and when he returns we can see her together. I'm willing to put a deadline on it given my ovaries aren't getting any younger! But yes, to me having a kid is more important. I would love nothing in this world to have him be the dad but if he's stilling because he's scared, not ready or really doesn't want kids afterall, it's not fair to keep me hostage

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Thought I responded to this but just quickly, we're not having sex so it has to be an actual planned event.

 

I'm confused by this statement. Not having sex since the discussion regarding kids came or just not having sex?

 

Get pregnant and let him deal with it. If he doesn't like it, then he can divorce you. He's going back on what he said and you're running out of time. Game over.

 

Don't do this. Do you really want a father for your child you have to hold hostage? Wrong on many levels...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm confused by this statement. Not having sex since the discussion regarding kids came or just not having sex?

We used to have a healthy sex life, but a year before he came it slowed down a bit and when he arrived here he went through a bought of depression due to the fact that he couldn't work for a year and the big change, it was stressful but I gave him space and encouragement no pressure. Second year he is when I begin to bring it up since we had spoken about it and between then and now not so much. So things cannot be left up to chance.

 

Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post

Get pregnant and let him deal with it. If he doesn't like it, then he can divorce you. He's going back on what he said and you're running out of time. Game over.

 

Don't do this. Do you really want a father for your child you have to hold hostage? Wrong on many levels...

 

Mr. Lucky

Oh god I would never do that. Couldn't even imagine.

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Oh god I would never do that. Couldn't even imagine.

 

Glad to hear :) .

 

We used to have a healthy sex life, but a year before he came it slowed down a bit and when he arrived here he went through a bought of depression due to the fact that he couldn't work for a year and the big change, it was stressful but I gave him space and encouragement no pressure. Second year he is when I begin to bring it up since we had spoken about it and between then and now not so much. So things cannot be left up to chance.

 

Think I'd rather be a single artificially inseminated parent than bring a child into a marriage with so many deficits and so much drama. And these red flags are BEFORE the birth of a child your H may not want...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Scarlett.O'hara

He may have wanted kids once, but it sounds like he doesn't feel that way anymore. Sadly, he is too gutless to tell you that because he doesn't want to feel responsible for killing your dream, so instead he is deflecting it on to you, making it "your fault" for not getting pregnant to some random guy earlier, which trivializes having a child.

 

You say things changed after he moved, that he was dealing with depression from all the struggles of adjusting to a new country, work restrictions, decrease in sex drive, etc..

 

It is possible that the reality of the situation didn't quite live up to the fantasy he had in his mind before he left. Now he feels stuck and resentful, unable to leave because he loves you and fears change, and unable to fully put his heart into it (including starting a family) because he is unhappy.

 

It is just one possibility, but if it is true, you can't go on ignoring it because it isn't going to go away. Things will only get worse as resentment grows on both sides until you can't stand to look at each other.

 

Therapy is a good idea. You need to really communicate with each other and be honest about what you want, and whether you are able to provide that for each other long term.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope it works out for the best.

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lucy_in_disguise

Youre not having sex and you havent even had the kid yet. Sex (lack thereof) is one of the top reasons people divorce. I think that if he did manage to get you pregnant somehow, youd end up being a single parent anyway, so you might as well start considering that option now.

 

You husband sounds immature (i think the list of excuses he gave you was passive aggressive) but I also think its kind of disturbing that youre asking someone who hasnt had sex with you regularly in years to get you pregnant. I kind of see his point that you seem very fixated on this above all else, though his phrasing was needlessly cruel. You really need to fix your marriage- or determine it cant be fixed and move on- before bringing another life into the equation. Honestly based on the seriousness of your issues, your ticking clock, and your husbands communication issues- i would move on.

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I am sorry for this. My first marriage ended (in part) because I (a man) decided I wanted kids and my then wife did not.

 

I was divorced then at 37 and dating/finding a woman in my age range that wanted kids (or more kids if they were divorced with their own kids) was a slight challenge but not impossible. I think that the possibility would be harder for a woman - finding a divorced dad supporting his kids and wanting even more kids with you and then your a stepmom and a new mom. Finding a man at your age without kids would also challenge - but hey I existed.

 

If your husband is also around your age - and not pursuing it with you - I suspect he does not really want them at all. First - having kids later in life is wonderful but also hard. Men don't generally have a biologic clock - but the fact is this - men and women in their late 30's early 40's have increased chances of having children with genetic defects - downs for example. I paid a lot of money to make sure that did not happen in my case. I REALLY wanted to be a dad and even made accepted some notable issues in my current marriage to make it happen.

 

This may sound cruel - but I would look take a look at the dating field in your area (maybe check out OLD) and decide if it looks like their are options for you to divorce and find someone. But your looking at 1-2 years more of dating to find some one, get married, and have a kid - so now your 39. Hey it happens these days - more and more couples having kids in late 30's to early 40's. If you need assistance the IVF places do amazing things.

Edited by dichotomy
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Glad to hear :) .

Think I'd rather be a single artificially inseminated parent than bring a child into a marriage with so many deficits and so much drama. And these red flags are BEFORE the birth of a child your H may not want...

 

Mr. Lucky

This is actually the way I would go. At this age I don't want to find a guy just to have a baby with it, I do love my husband but I do want a child and its one of those heart breaking dealbreakers.

 

 

dichotomy - Doesn't sound cruel but I think if we were to split I would rather do IUI (or IVF if I had to) donation.

 

 

Scarlett.O'hara - Everything you've written is spot on. It's the conclusion I first came to in my mind knowing him, what he's said about things and how he thinks. We weren't the typical long distance relationship, I lived there with him and he lived here with me, only a month here and there went by without us seeing one another. I think a part of his fantasy here was that his old friends would still be in the same place they were when he left but they moved on. And life in Oz had lost it's zest. But yeah... we do have communication issues, that need to be addressed. We will speak with a therapist when he returns and if it seems it can't be worked out at least we gave it a try. I think I'd hate to just walk out, seems like it would leave more serious damage on both sides.

 

 

lucy_in_disguise - Actually, if it wasn't spoken about and agreed to, it wouldn't have been something I reminded him of. If I were in my 20s or early 30s we'd have time but reaching 40 and he has said he's aware of the dangers and the clock and wants one as well... I took him at his word. I dont get why you and others perceive I'm fixated upon this above everything else. If someone agrees to something, they should stick to their word or be adult enough to not beat around the bush. He's known I wanted a child since we met, that it was important to me, but it wasn't something that was going to happen until we were married.

 

We do have sex, we have in the last few months, but not during my ovulation, I guess I phrased that wrong, and not as much as we need to nor as much as before. Which some of it I attribute to the move / his depression, some that he's possibly hesitant because he really doesn't want this or/and that we've been together a long time, and are older, and I understand that some couples when they've been together for a long time, it's slips priority and life ie working takes its place. We are intimate in other ways though. But yes, your points are absolutely valid.

 

Thanks again for you input folks. I will keep you updated. We did speak last night and I've set up a couples therapist appointment for mid Feb

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leftright,

I'm sorry to say it but I can't see this ending well, as it seems that your husband has "moved the goalposts" and didn't bother to tell you.

 

 

I was in a similar situation to this with my first husband. I was very clear before we married that I didn't want kids, I was a career woman and told him that. I told him that if he wanted a family then I wasn't the right person for him and he should speak up. He didn't.

 

 

After being married 7 years I suggested he get a vasectomy as I was concerned about the health risks of the pill. He refused saying that it was "too permanent" and he "might want children someday". I asked him jokingly if he was considering having children with someone else and he said "well, you never know what might happen in the future".

 

 

This rang alarm bells for me.

 

 

I later found out that he was cheating.

 

 

He put the blame on me, saying he cheated because " I denied him children" !!

 

 

My husband was conflict avoidant and dishonest. Your husband sounds the same.

 

 

He's now married to his AP (10 years younger than him) and they have 2 kids.

 

 

I would let your husband go and find someone who wants kids as much as you do.

 

 

I'm sorry x

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If he's not having sex with you when you're ovulating and it is a deliberate choice, I think he's given you the answer you're looking for.

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This is actually the way I would go. At this age I don't want to find a guy just to have a baby with it, I do love my husband but I do want a child and its one of those heart breaking dealbreakers.

 

 

dichotomy - Doesn't sound cruel but I think if we were to split I would rather do IUI (or IVF if I had to) donation.

 

 

I think this is certainly a choice for you (Donor). In the U.S. I think its easier (anonymous) then other countries.

 

However, at the risk for sounding old fashioned there are still some good men out there even at your age who could make a good partner for you and a good dad for a child. At least try dating for a year before starting to go it alone - donor route. My two cents.

 

I also think perhaps if you handle the issue of starting a divorce in a honest and considerate way - that there is a small chance your husband may reconsider.

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In the meantime I suggest you consider getting your eggs frozen while you are still ovulating. I know a fair few people who wish they'd done this.

 

I have to say the comment about having kids before you met him would piss me off. I personally didn't want to have a child just for the sake of it. I wanted to be in love and married before I brought a child into this world. Two committed parents was my aim and I think it's the same for you OP.

 

I honestly think some men are terribly selfish when it comes to this. A woman has a certain time frame to conceive and having seen friends in their early forties get depressed when no kids are coming.. it's very sad.

 

 

In some cases it's because you haven't met anyone..but her wizz..you're married.

 

If getting him to have sex is an issue...then you have a whole other problem on your hands.

 

If time is wasted..it's no fun spending $$$$$ with fertility specialists only to hear your egg production has diminished...or your only ovulating every other month. Then you'll be resentful of his dilly dallying.

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