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32 Years....Looking for or lost Connection


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My story, short as possible:

 

Married 32 years, wife physically and emotionally abused by parents, me father was awesome but mother had significant mental illness and was never present as a mother throughout my life.

 

Wife and I met after my twice being engaged to two others during college and we became engaged 3 weeks after meeting. Upon meeting my wife I stated that "if she is half as nice as she is pretty, I'd marry her"....six month later, I did just that.

 

She: is the most honest, loyal pretty person I have ever met. She also bears many deep deep scars from her abuse i.e. lack of trusting that I am trying to help her through difficult times, have no desire to control her, has a severely diminished capacity for passion and fun loving attitude. (we are both oldest siblings). She has been a SAHW for 21 years. She is also the caretaker of her mother, stroke 17 yrs ago and advanced scoliosis.

 

I am the breadwinner and support system for our family. I actively participate with the household duties as well.

 

Our current situation is that we are having trouble connecting, (I feel disconnected)...I guess you could call it the empty next syndrome. I am ready to live....i.e. adult play....more liberal sex and sexy vacations. We are comfortable financially.

 

She is reluctant to participate in the more carefree ways that two married (monogamous) partners should. She is not prude by any means but restrictive in expressing her fantasies, wants and emotions. I am dying for this. I want to know what is in her head, what she wants sexually, what would rock her world more than anything else.

 

She suffers from depression and from OCD so I know this is not intentional on her part, but my being a sharer of emotions, I am feeling like a bicycle with one wheel. I am looking for advise as to how I might approach her to unlock her fantasies / passions or should I just sit tight and enjoy what I do have and be content? I know from all the wisdom here on LS someone will have some suggestions....

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T-16bullseyeWompRat

How is your emotional connection? Are you meeting all of her emotional needs? I notice when I'm not meeting all of my wife's emotional needs, the sex declines. Same in reverse for me. I don't think either of us is withholding, we just aren't easy to turn on when emotionally we are spent or upset or whatever. Opening up a dialogue about this and see where it goes? See if there is anything on her plate that you can help out with?

 

Connections do come and go. When we are getting distant, I plan a weekend getaway for just us two. It usually brings a spark back... Usually.

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I am ready to live....i.e. adult play....more liberal sex and sexy vacations.

 

Is she different when you're on vacation? My wife wants to have sex nearly every day when we're traveling by ourselves as contrasted to at home, not that much. A tropical trip might be a way to introduce some new things or at least relax the old ones.

 

How crazy are you looking to get :confused::confused::confused:???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Has she always been uptight and inhibited and nonexpressive with her emotions and fantasies and desires or is this something new?

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My story, short as possible:

 

Married 32 years, wife physically and emotionally abused by parents, me father was awesome but mother had significant mental illness and was never present as a mother throughout my life.

 

Wife and I met after my twice being engaged to two others during college and we became engaged 3 weeks after meeting. Upon meeting my wife I stated that "if she is half as nice as she is pretty, I'd marry her"....six month later, I did just that.

 

She: is the most honest, loyal pretty person I have ever met. She also bears many deep deep scars from her abuse i.e. lack of trusting that I am trying to help her through difficult times, have no desire to control her, has a severely diminished capacity for passion and fun loving attitude. (we are both oldest siblings). She has been a SAHW for 21 years. She is also the caretaker of her mother, stroke 17 yrs ago and advanced scoliosis.

 

I am the breadwinner and support system for our family. I actively participate with the household duties as well.

 

Our current situation is that we are having trouble connecting, (I feel disconnected)...I guess you could call it the empty next syndrome. I am ready to live....i.e. adult play....more liberal sex and sexy vacations. We are comfortable financially.

 

She is reluctant to participate in the more carefree ways that two married (monogamous) partners should. She is not prude by any means but restrictive in expressing her fantasies, wants and emotions. I am dying for this. I want to know what is in her head, what she wants sexually, what would rock her world more than anything else.

 

She suffers from depression and from OCD so I know this is not intentional on her part, but my being a sharer of emotions, I am feeling like a bicycle with one wheel. I am looking for advise as to how I might approach her to unlock her fantasies / passions or should I just sit tight and enjoy what I do have and be content? I know from all the wisdom here on LS someone will have some suggestions....

 

 

Since she hasn't ever been this type of person for the 30+ years you've been together don't expect her to suddenly become like that.

 

If it's that important to you then sit her down and express clearly what you want from her that you're not getting.

 

If she isn't into it then a therapist may be of help in finding a compromise that for you two.

 

 

She's been the caretaker for her Mom with a stroke and most likely doesn't feel she can easily let that role/obligation go.

 

Many times when a person has been the solid, responsible one they aren't likely to step out of their role they've always played.

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She suffers from depression and from OCD so I know this is not intentional on her part

 

How much of this has affected your marriage? In and out of bed?

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Well Kg it's wonderful you guys have stayed together for so long...very admirable.

 

As far as growing the relationship...have you guys considered going to a nudist resort? Most of the resorts, there is no open sex allowed but it might be an experience that could really liberate your wife and have her open up a bit in a controlled atmosphere. It might awaken her sexuality a bit and lend to greater intimacy. Plus, no tan lines!

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How is your emotional connection? Are you meeting all of her emotional needs? I notice when I'm not meeting all of my wife's emotional needs, the sex declines. Same in reverse for me. I don't think either of us is withholding, we just aren't easy to turn on when emotionally we are spent or upset or whatever. Opening up a dialogue about this and see where it goes? See if there is anything on her plate that you can help out with?

 

Connections do come and go. When we are getting distant, I plan a weekend getaway for just us two. It usually brings a spark back... Usually.

 

T-16....The sex is available but very uninspired....I would describe it as compliant no passion....I ask and ask about her needs. In fact I have on many occasions tried to talk to her about her wants, needs and wishes. She gets quite and it becomes a one-sided conversation with me trying to explain what I am seeking from her in the way of her feelings.

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Is she different when you're on vacation? My wife wants to have sex nearly every day when we're traveling by ourselves as contrasted to at home, not that much. A tropical trip might be a way to introduce some new things or at least relax the old ones.

 

How crazy are you looking to get :confused::confused::confused:???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky, thank you for your time to comment here....there is a moderate difference. I am very social and have in the past enjoyed group vacations with some very close and long time friends (30+ years) that we both love. She would be "okay' with the sex but not "let's get nekkid and make some noise" type. We have tried to visit the Cancun / Playa area annually. As far as crazy, if you have read some of my other posts, we went to our first nude resort and split time there and in Playa del Carmen for her shopping which is her passion while in MX. I don't want to involve a third party or anything like that but to feel as though I have someone who would like to ravish me instead of the routine we have come to know. Good questions and thought provoking probing....I like it!!

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Has she always been uptight and inhibited and nonexpressive with her emotions and fantasies and desires or is this something new?

 

Oldshirt....read many of your posts, thanks and am honored you commented on mine. I have always been a bit more free with sharing my fantasies than she has. I usually get the "I don't have any fantasies" reply....this has been the case for a long time.

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Since she hasn't ever been this type of person for the 30+ years you've been together don't expect her to suddenly become like that.

 

If it's that important to you then sit her down and express clearly what you want from her that you're not getting.

 

If she isn't into it then a therapist may be of help in finding a compromise that for you two.

 

 

She's been the caretaker for her Mom with a stroke and most likely doesn't feel she can easily let that role/obligation go.

 

Many times when a person has been the solid, responsible one they aren't likely to step out of their role they've always played.

 

S2B, thank you and you're spot on. We have had increasing talks about "love languages" and the such. Mine is feeling loved appreciated and desired. I told her several times that I need to know that even if she is overwhelmed that she "wants to do things that are meaningful to me" just hearing her say "can we plan this or that for you" would mean the world. Our night was a rough one last evening in that I kept telling her that these were the exact words that I needed to hear and she would change them up. I also said that all the things I do for her were because I lover her, and that I would be wonderful if she would do some of the things I have mentioned for me as well. Her response was "oh, so you do these for me just so I'd do those for you?" I felt completely defeated and frustrated.

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How much of this has affected your marriage? In and out of bed?

 

Whichwayisup...More today than ever. We are now empty nesters and we bought our current house due to the layout was very conducive to entertaining. We put in a pool, built a pergola and fully landscaped it into a tropical backyard for pool parties and grilling. The OCD and depression has reduced our social activities to 2-3 times all summer. I purchased a hot tub and 9 times out of 10 I am out there alone....I feel as though I am alone in this situation.

 

We have been in MC for 2 years to help us better communicate and I really like the therapist. She is also working as much as my W will on the OCD and Depression. I have been living this for the last 20 years at least. This is our 3 Therapist over the duration of our M. We finally found one we both like.

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Well Kg it's wonderful you guys have stayed together for so long...very admirable.

 

As far as growing the relationship...have you guys considered going to a nudist resort? Most of the resorts, there is no open sex allowed but it might be an experience that could really liberate your wife and have her open up a bit in a controlled atmosphere. It might awaken her sexuality a bit and lend to greater intimacy. Plus, no tan lines!

 

StBreton, thank you for your comments....you may not have read my previous posts but we are active members of a non-landed nudest club here and did visit Hidden Beach last spring for their anniversary celebration. We had a good time, the nudest thing is very therapeutic for me and she is a willing participant telling me she enjoys it but would not participate if it weren't for me. My ideal situation would be to make a few very close friends, 2-3 couples and limit our nude activities to the smaller group as I have always been a part of a very close, small tight knit group. I enjoy the club and have met some of the nicest and most accommodating people ever. It is more of this type of activities that I am looking for. More so, we have hosted a pool party this last summer and one indoor party this Fall. I had to request and bargain for this. It would have meant so much for her to tell me that she would like to do something special for me and initiate a party here at our place for such a party. Just knowing that she "wanted" to do something would mean the world to me...that is one key thing I am missing.

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I am looking for advise as to how I might approach her to unlock her fantasies / passions or should I just sit tight and enjoy what I do have and be content?

Honestly, with how you describe her background and your past, she may not HAVE any fantasies or passions...

 

You might be imprinting upon her a desire for something that does not exist within her.

 

In that regard, if she is receptive to talking about exploring, you might consider role-playing. See if there is some made-up time or scenario that would draw her out; be it knight & princess, cops & robbers, doctor & nurse, public play...

 

This may not come about very easily. When you two are out together and you see a similar couple about your age expressing public displays of affection, point them out to her and imply, "gosh, I wonder what is going through their heads..." When you watch movies, are there historical dramas or particular themes that you might draw upon (Elizabethan costume dramas versus Fred-and-Ginger 1930s situation comedies).

 

From that, you might be able to recreate a time and a place that she is drawn to and turn that into a sexual - or at least romantic - adventure that will help her open up more.

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CarrieT, great idea...We dine out quite often and I can see a scenario where I point out a couple and begin a storyline about what they may be into or doing or about to do to create a prelude to opening up some passionate thinking on her part. Thank you!!

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GorillaTheater

I've been married almost as long as you; our 32nd anniversary is coming up later this month.

 

I've been through the "man, I sure would love for my wife to be more spontaneous and expressive of her desire for me assuming, you know, that she does" thing. Not a great place to be. Something that helped me out quite a bit was doing a lot of reading on "responsive desire". Google it and you'll find a sh*t load of articles on the subject. The good ones can express the idea behind it and strategies to work with it better than I can, but the number one takeaway? No pressure. Help create an atmosphere where your wife feels the freedom to be sexy, but no negative consequences (i.e. pouting) if her brand of sexiness doesn't measure up to your expectations.

 

I think you can get to where you want to go, and I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

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Whichwayisup...More today than ever. We are now empty nesters and we bought our current house due to the layout was very conducive to entertaining. We put in a pool, built a pergola and fully landscaped it into a tropical backyard for pool parties and grilling. The OCD and depression has reduced our social activities to 2-3 times all summer. I purchased a hot tub and 9 times out of 10 I am out there alone....I feel as though I am alone in this situation.

 

We have been in MC for 2 years to help us better communicate and I really like the therapist. She is also working as much as my W will on the OCD and Depression. I have been living this for the last 20 years at least. This is our 3 Therapist over the duration of our M. We finally found one we both like.

 

Your wife needs a therapist (one on one) that isn't a marriage counselor but someone who specializes in depression and OCD. Is she on medication, currently or past?

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CarrieT, great idea...We dine out quite often and I can see a scenario where I point out a couple and begin a storyline about what they may be into or doing or about to do to create a prelude to opening up some passionate thinking on her part. Thank you!!

 

Nice to see you embrace this great idea! Thanks CarrieT ...going to print this one out for my date night folder ...for when I find someone:)

 

And Kg ...does your wife get respite care for her mom? I just couldn't feel sexy with being a caregiver 24/7 ...emotionally and physically exhausting and would shut down my sexy brain neuro transmitters

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Your wife needs a therapist (one on one) that isn't a marriage counselor but someone who specializes in depression and OCD. Is she on medication, currently or past?

 

Whichwayisup.....she is getting therapy via EMDR....we are looking at a 10 consecutive day protocol to see how effective this will be.

 

She just got off the meds due to the side effects which included general mental numbness and the sexual side effects......

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Nice to see you embrace this great idea! Thanks CarrieT ...going to print this one out for my date night folder ...for when I find someone:)

 

And Kg ...does your wife get respite care for her mom? I just couldn't feel sexy with being a caregiver 24/7 ...emotionally and physically exhausting and would shut down my sexy brain neuro transmitters

 

Awesome....her mother lives alone but my W and her sister deliver food and sort meds. My W will take my MIL to the many Drs appts throughout the year and occasionally treat her to a mani / pedi or out to lunch event but it is not 24/7 care. Being an oldest sibling she and I both share a characteristic of being overly responsible though.

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KG, I just want to say that I understand completely where you are coming from as I feel like I am going through something similar and I have posted about it in my "Downhill..." threads on this forum.

 

My wife also is willing to accomidate some of my wants and desires, but it is accommodation and "work" for her. It's just another task she feels she must perform. I want her to innately want and desire the same things as me, but it just ain't happening.

 

I obviously haven't cracked the code yet in my situation so I don't know how helpful I can really be in yours.

 

I my situation, I feel pretty strongly that if I want my wife to be more interested and passionate and desirous, it is incumbent on me to be as interesting and passionate and sexy and attractive as I can possibly be at my age.

 

You could be a rock-solid Olympic athlete for all I know but I have seen so many middle aged men with beer guts hanging over their genitals, and tobacco stains in their bushy unkempt beards and yellow teeth that sit in the bar with their drinking buddies half the night then come home smelling like stale beer and cigarette smoke and bitch that their wives don't treat them well.

 

I'm not saying you are like that at all but I am saying that we as men have a responsibility to be as fun and as sexy and as desirable and as interpersonal as we can be if we want our wives to want us and to want to be around is and do fun things with us. If no other woman would have us, why should our wives.

 

If we as men (and I am talking all men in general, not you and me) are squared away enough that if our wife were to simply reject us completely, we should be in a position we could step right out onto the market and replace her with an equal or better quality woman.

 

Once we reach that position, then we have a bona fide choice on whether we want to keep fighting our frustration and dissatisfaction or whether we want to live her behind and make a new life for ourselves.

 

I'm not saying that's what every guy should do, not saying that at all. But I am saying that if you are that squared away as a man and are the best you can be and have done all you can, then you have done your job and it is on her to keep up or face the risks.

 

Then if worse does come to worse, you can sleep at night knowing you did your best and you can move on with your best foot forward and a clear conscience and minimal baggage.

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And I do believe that what another poster said about responsive desire does play into what I said. If you become the person you want to be and like the life of passion that you want to live, often times that will inspire our wives to step up in response to us.

 

And in other cases they may reject it and walk away. When that happens, then we decide if we want to keep them around or leave them behind.

 

Sounds harsh I know, but it is what it is.

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Oldshirt,

 

You actually made my day with the description of the middleaged beergutted with Dunlop disease....LOL!!!!

 

Actually, I am 5'10" and 180 lbs....was a swimmer now in shape and at the top of my earning bracket, honest and sincere....not that I don't have any room to improve and I am totally focused on that....I am comfortable in my skin and with my work ethic and morals....friends tell me I have "married" written all over my face when engaging single female co-workers. I'm the safe guy but do get the odd invitation which for what ever reason, am not tempted to accept.

 

I get the continual improvement however and totally agree that one must be looking to better who they are and keeping their nose clean....so to say.

 

I know that my wife loves me however 18 months ago, I knew something was off, when one day, sitting at church (not the best sermon I have to admit) it occurred to me, she's not IN LOVE with me anymore. That day I asked her if I was right....she confirmed. She was, after 30 years of marriage looking for the butterflies she had early on...I have attempted to explain to her as has our therapist these "butterflies" normally do subside but are replaced with a deeper and richer love that endures. I don't think she has fully bought into that.

 

We are still a work in progress and understand, she doesn't see sex as a chore but relies fully on me to bring ideas to the table and doesn't really share her feelings....again a one wheeled bicycle....very challenging to ride. some can and some can't, but when there is a fall, it can be very painful.

 

Thanks for being able to understand and I do think our situations are very similar.

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I have always been a bit more free with sharing my fantasies than she has. I usually get the "I don't have any fantasies" reply....this has been the case for a long time.

 

There is a small percentage of middle aged/menopausal women that finally say, " F' it!!!!" and cut lose and turn into Wildcats and tear it up once the kids are gone and their lives are secure and they no longer want to be shackled by societal expectations and the demands of child rearing etc. Those are definately out there.

 

But if someone has been reserved and inhibited and uptight their whole life, it's a good chance it is just part of their being and their persona and the chances of them turning into a party girl or porn star is infantesimaly small.

 

She may be no more able to turn into a carefree party girl than you could turn into a staunchy prude.

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Oldshirt,

 

You actually made my day with the description of the middleaged beergutted with Dunlop disease....LOL!!!!

 

Actually, I am 5'10" and 180 lbs....was a swimmer now in shape and at the top of my earning bracket, honest and sincere....not that I don't have any room to improve and I am totally focused on that....I am comfortable in my skin and with my work ethic and morals....friends tell me I have "married" written all over my face when engaging single female co-workers. I'm the safe guy but do get the odd invitation which for what ever reason, am not tempted to accept.

 

I get the continual improvement however and totally agree that one must be looking to better who they are and keeping their nose clean....so to say.

 

I know that my wife loves me however 18 months ago, I knew something was off, when one day, sitting at church (not the best sermon I have to admit) it occurred to me, she's not IN LOVE with me anymore. That day I asked her if I was right....she confirmed. She was, after 30 years of marriage looking for the butterflies she had early on...I have attempted to explain to her as has our therapist these "butterflies" normally do subside but are replaced with a deeper and richer love that endures. I don't think she has fully bought into that.

 

We are still a work in progress and understand, she doesn't see sex as a chore but relies fully on me to bring ideas to the table and doesn't really share her feelings....again a one wheeled bicycle....very challenging to ride. some can and some can't, but when there is a fall, it can be very painful.

 

Thanks for being able to understand and I do think our situations are very similar.

 

My wife loves her home and family and the security and stability she has. Our kids are still young (11 and 13) and I think she would do anything to keep their home intact.

 

I don't know that she actually loves me however. She probably loves me in the brotherly/roommate/coparent sense, but I think her desire for me and especially "butterflies" are gone.

 

We had a very rough patch a few years ago and I got the ILYBNILWY that brought me here to LS and to Married Man Sex Life. MMSL changed me forever. Not sure if for better or worse though. I am no longer on that site since a site that proclaims itself, "dangerously monogamous" isn't a good match for a long time swinger LOL. But it was very eye opening and did help me organize my thoughts and priorities and come up with a plan moving forward.

 

We were also in MC for about a year and that did help.

 

In the end we both compromised and we both capitulated. Neither of us wanted to divorce enough to pull the ejection handle. She wants a home and family so bad, she's willing to put out some duty sex enough to keep me from simply walking away and taking half our house with me.

 

And I keep holding on to this belief that if I can just find the right combination she will love, respect and desire me again.

 

Maybe it's all just middle age. About the time Im ready to throw my arms in the air in defeat, all I do is look at other couples our age that have been married 20+ years and we are actually in pretty damn good shape comparatively.

 

She actually treats me pretty nicely most of the time and I do the best I can for her. She says she loves me and that I am her sole mate and best friend. I can just tell there's no fire and no desire and no passion behind her words.

 

But she puts in some effort and there for so shall I. I'll keep trying untill I see that it's in vain and my efforts are rejected.

 

The strange thing is, she seems like everything is ok. A lot of times it seems like she is perfectly happy to live the status quo while I feel like a plant withering in the hot sun and parched earth. At least when we were having problems and she was pissed at me, I had something to work with.

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