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Wife's Male Best friend


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My wife has been friends with this guy for years. There was a moment where the two of them were single and they made out a few times. She claims that it was nothing, they were just trying to see what would come out of it, which is understandable I guess. I've been trying to be ok with it despite my feelings. She asked me if I minded that they be friends again. I tried to be understanding and said yes, but because of my comfort level we have to kind of ease into it. She agreed to it, so we set some ground rules, which were texting only, no phone calls and no hanging out privately.

 

But my requests were not met and they texted each other and spoke on the phone. Not only that but she also deleted the messages. Months later after all the dust settled, she brought him again. She asked if she could be friends with him again. I told her no because I tried and my trust was violated; long story short she told me that we're not going to work out because of this.

 

At this point we were roughly 3 years in with a 1yr old, so it kinda hurt because I felt that in terms of importance I outweighed him. A couple months later she said that she wasn't going to leave me to be friends with him, she was just angry. At this point in our relationship I feel that she may have feelings for him and she just doesn't want to face or admit them. She's said on many occasions that she doesn't have any romantic feelings, he's just a link to a time where her mother was alive. I really don't how to feel about this.

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You know how to feel about it as you are already feeling as you should. You are just allowing her to bully you, manipulate you and cheat on you. You are being weak and conflict avoiding because you don't want to anger her and are afraid she will dump you.

 

Well guess what, that fear is causing you to cuckold yourself and allowing her to completely disrespect you and make a fool out of you.

 

You know what the score is here and you know what's going on. You are just choosing to keep your head in the sand because of fear.

 

Untill you grow a set and Velcro them back on, she will continue to cheat on you, disrespect you, bully you and make a fool of you.

 

The choice is yours. You can either continue to be the fool and doormat and let her treat you like crap, or you can take back your life and your manhood and not take it anymore.

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ShatteredLady

My best friend is male (straight) & we've been very close friends since we were teenagers. We've never made-out or even come close though. It was much easier for my H because he knew my BF through work before he met me. My friend has ALWAYS been there.

 

Why did they stop being friends? He can't be that important in her life if they go years without corresponding.

 

I KNOW that men & women can be friends without complications. I've got 30+ years to prove it but (& it's a huge but for me) she broke your trust! Why did she delete messages?

 

I don't know. I'm don't think I'd feel comfortable with their relationship. If I met a new man & he wanted my BF out of my life it would NEVER happen but my situations a bit different.

 

Do you have other reasons to not trust her or not trust in general?

 

 

Note : Reading back I realized BF means boyfriend! I mean BFF (but that sounds so juvenile!) you know what I mean. :-)

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My best friend is male (straight) & we've been very close friends since we were teenagers. We've never made-out or even come close though. It was much easier for my H because he knew my BF through work before he met me. My friend has ALWAYS been there.

 

Why did they stop being friends? He can't be that important in her life if they go years without corresponding.

 

I KNOW that men & women can be friends without complications. I've got 30+ years to prove it but (& it's a huge but for me) she broke your trust! Why did she delete messages?

 

I don't know. I'm don't think I'd feel comfortable with their relationship. If I met a new man & he wanted my BF out of my life it would NEVER happen but my situations a bit different.

 

Do you have other reasons to not trust her or not trust in general?

 

 

Note : Reading back I realized BF means boyfriend! I mean BFF (but that sounds so juvenile!) you know what I mean. :-)

 

Read his other posts. This isn't about some old BFF that is a friend of the family.

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My best friend is male (straight) & we've been very close friends since we were teenagers. We've never made-out or even come close though. It was much easier for my H because he knew my BF through work before he met me. My friend has ALWAYS been there.

 

Why did they stop being friends? He can't be that important in her life if they go years without corresponding.

 

I KNOW that men & women can be friends without complications. I've got 30+ years to prove it but (& it's a huge but for me) she broke your trust! Why did she delete messages?

 

I don't know. I'm don't think I'd feel comfortable with their relationship. If I met a new man & he wanted my BF out of my life it would NEVER happen but my situations a bit different.

 

Do you have other reasons to not trust her or not trust in general?

 

 

Note : Reading back I realized BF means boyfriend! I mean BFF (but that sounds so juvenile!) you know what I mean. :-)

It's a lot of things. And I touched on a couple of those points in another post. I do know how to feel. I feel as though my feelings are valid. I don't want to lose her given our history which has been both good and bad. I'm trying to remain optimistic. And the nature of their friendship at first seemed to be platonic but it just appears to be otherwise.

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Read his other posts. This isn't about some old BFF that is a friend of the family.

I appreciate and respect your honesty, you really could've been a bit more tactful in your delivery.

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But my requests were not met and they texted each other and spoke on the phone. Not only that but she also deleted the messages.

 

Instant dealbreaker the moment she decided their "friendship" was worth more than your trust.

 

Stand your ground - if she balks at this you've got bigger problems than you thought. And having already crossed the line, you should demand - and she should offer - transparency in all phone, text, email and social media...

 

Mr. Lucky

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This comes right out of Cheater 101. Your wife needs to read the book "Not Just Friends" and so do you.

 

Her lying to you, not adhering to your boundaries, and becoming angry because she does not get her way does not bode well for your relationship.

 

Married women do not jeopardize their relationships with their husbands over an old lost "friend" unless there is more trouble brewing.

 

Dont' play Mr. Nice Guy here or you will be sorry. This and her behavior has disturbed you enough to post on this forum.

 

TRUST YOUR GUT and stick to your requirements on her boundaries. Infidelity forums are LITTERED with "just old friends" of the opposite sex reconnecting and establishing secret relationships.

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I appreciate and respect your honesty, you really could've been a bit more tactful in your delivery.

 

 

 

I could've been. But would you have understood the situation you are in as well if I had sugar coated it and blown sunshine up your backside?

 

 

I'm not mean spirited and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but there are so many times in my past I wish someone had just told it to me straight the way it really was, that I have kind of dedicated myself to saying it exactly like I see it.

 

 

I would rather you be mad at me and grab yourself by the balls and do what you have to do rather than to have you like me and continue to let yourself get walked on, manipulated and cheated on.

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TRUST YOUR GUT and stick to your requirements on her boundaries. Infidelity forums are LITTERED with "just old friends" of the opposite sex reconnecting and establishing secret relationships.

 

Yup^^^^^^

 

 

Every dang toot'n one of them in fact. Every WW and every WH that ever got nakey with the wrong person in the wrong bed told their spouse at one time or another it was "just a friend."

 

 

It's page one of the Cheaters Handbook.

 

 

Old friends and old BFs/GF make up a significant percentage of those as do coworkers and friends of the spouse's.

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I could've been. But would you have understood the situation you are in as well if I had sugar coated it and blown sunshine up your backside?

 

 

I'm not mean spirited and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but there are so many times in my past I wish someone had just told it to me straight the way it really was, that I have kind of dedicated myself to saying it exactly like I see it.

 

 

I would rather you be mad at me and grab yourself by the balls and do what you have to do rather than to have you like me and continue to let yourself get walked on, manipulated and cheated on.

I respect you being brutally honest, I really do. I honestly got a laugh out of the blowing sunshine up your butt line. Very funny. I really appreciate your feedback.

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So whats the status now?. Is she texting, in contact with him still?

 

As others stated - trust your gut.

 

But I would spy on her big time to find out whats going on for real.

 

and no I don't believe they "just kissed" all those years ago.

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Yea, she contacts him periodically. Tells me when I ask. But she still has changed her phone password, so I couldn't say all is good even if I wanted to, which I do.

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Yea, she contacts him periodically. Tells me when I ask. But she still has changed her phone password, so I couldn't say all is good even if I wanted to, which I do.

 

Your married and that's BS.

 

Better stand your ground. If you had a gf that close would she like it????

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Your married and that's BS.

 

Better stand your ground. If you had a gf that close would she like it????

I totally agree, but it's like every time I go to stand my ground it just turns into a big argument.

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My wife has been friends with this guy for years. There was a moment where the two of them were single and they made out a few times. She claims that it was nothing, they were just trying to see what would come out of it, which is understandable I guess. I've been trying to be ok with it despite my feelings. She asked me if I minded that they be friends again. I tried to be understanding and said yes, but because of my comfort level we have to kind of ease into it. She agreed to it, so we set some ground rules, which were texting only, no phone calls and no hanging out privately.

 

But my requests were not met and they texted each other and spoke on the phone. Not only that but she also deleted the messages. Months later after all the dust settled, she brought him again. She asked if she could be friends with him again. I told her no because I tried and my trust was violated; long story short she told me that we're not going to work out because of this.

 

At this point we were roughly 3 years in with a 1yr old, so it kinda hurt because I felt that in terms of importance I outweighed him. A couple months later she said that she wasn't going to leave me to be friends with him, she was just angry. At this point in our relationship I feel that she may have feelings for him and she just doesn't want to face or admit them. She's said on many occasions that she doesn't have any romantic feelings, he's just a link to a time where her mother was alive. I really don't how to feel about this.

 

YOU need to be included in the friendship. He has to meet you, get to know you two as a couple, their one on one friendship is no go because she (sorry) is selfish and took advantage of your trust right from the beginning.

 

Fact is, she should be focusing on you and the family. Her 'best friend' should be a woman, not an ex or a past fling.

 

You're allowed to feel any way you please about this. Ask her how she would feel if you snuck off and texted some ex or past fling after rules were set up. I'm sure she would feel hurt and jealous.

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Skye

 

You better stop worrying about arguing and go ahead and argue, or you are going to be back on here when she meets up with him, which is going to happen if this does not stop.

 

If you want honestly, you have uncovered an ongoing EA that is going to turn into a PA as sure as you are reading this,. And her changing her passwords and locking you out should be enough to jar you into reality.

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Yea, she contacts him periodically. Tells me when I ask. But she still has changed her phone password, so I couldn't say all is good even if I wanted to, which I do.

 

There's NO reason for her to have her pw a secret from you unless she's hiding what's really going on.

 

I know you're hurting and this won't be easy to do, but you need to make her understand that her behaviour as your wife is unacceptable and that you're not going to put up with it, that she has a decision to make. Renewing and hanging onto an old rekindled flame or you/marriage/kids. She cannot have it both ways.

 

I'm betting she has redeveloped romantic/sexual feelings for him and their texting is totally inappropriate discussions. He is taking advantage too, he knows exactly what he's doing, he's aware it's wrong too but doesn't care.

 

Is this guy married too?

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Also she said that she wouldn't care because she trusts me. She believes I won't do anything.

 

Well, she is saying that so she can do as she pleases. Trust me if you were doing what she was doing, she would damn well be jealous as heck!

 

Putting oneself IN a situation where you *might* be tempted is stupid and most married folks avoid those situations completely. Your wife is running towards it full on speed.

 

She's caught up in the feelings/crush and isn't thinking clearly at all. She's gonna justify, lie and omit, hide and you watch, sooner or later she will become moody to you and shut you out more, distance and emotionally detach herself. This is why you MUST do something sooner rather than later and force her hand. She's in a fog/fantasy and isn't thinking of you or the kids or consequences.

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The biggest insult a woman can do is disrespect a man. Your wife is totally disrespecting you. Hire a private detective and there is a guarantee that you wont like the truth. Women and men cant be friends unless the man is gay or the woman is a lesbian.

 

Get a hot babe on the side And let her know you are just friends.people dont hide something unless they are hiding something. You have become her provider while she is having fun with the friend. I would trust her actions more than her words

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Jersey born raised

Why did you start another thread on the same problem!

 

Your other thread states she does this other men, post pictures of herself and encourages ex lovers and others to post graphic responses. These posts are they along lines of "wow your tits are amazing, now I am really horny"?

 

Are the both of you swingers? Was she in past relationships that included swinging?

 

If you want good advise you need to provide complete info. For example if she does have a history of swinging, combined with her current behavior it does rise the possibility of CSA or BPD. How much, I have no idea but now it has to be considered.

 

Read downtown's threads and posts.

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A woman who threats to leave her husband, the father of her baby, only to rebuild friendship with another man from the past (her EX), is on of the most rude attitudes I have ever heard of.

 

Hi baby - you say you want to ruin your family, your child to grow with no father at home, only because you're angry?

 

Now, after you said no, she still contact him? So she spits on you and you say it's rain? If I were you I would have thrown her phone to the water, would have had sex with another woman, and then come and say that it's nothing because I was just angry.

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I totally agree, but it's like every time I go to stand my ground it just turns into a big argument.

 

When you let people walk on you and mistreat you because you want to avoid conflict and don't want to anger someone at any cost, that is what is known as being weak and spineless.

 

 

Even though it may seem like it would be appreciated and things would run smoother by avoiding conflict, the truth is women don't respect men that are weak and spineless that let people pull stuff over on them.

 

 

And women can't desire men who they do not respect.

 

 

When women walk on their men, they lose respect and desire for them and then they start to desire other men that are stronger, more assertive and more in control. Then they start screwing those other men.

 

 

Once they are involved with the other man/men, then they lose every last shred of respect and admiration for their partner because only the weakest, most timid and most pathetic of men would let their woman screw other men right under their nose, and so they begin to treat their partner with blatant disrespect and contempt, become hypercritical and very snide and argumentative about everything.

 

 

This is a standard pattern that plays out with cheating women all over the world.

 

 

Your wife is showing many of the standard signs of a woman who doesn't respect, admire or desire her husband and is beginning to turn towards other men. If she doesn't already have her legs over someone else's shoulders, she very soon will if you don't act immediately and decisively.

 

 

Allowing women to walk on you because you fear conflict with them is one of the fastest and most efficient means of getting her into someone else's bed that there is.

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A very serious question for you Sky that I haven't seen anyone else ask yet - did you and your wife receive any professional counseling after your separation and after your affair?

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