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Chronic Illness and a Life Held in Abeyance


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I need help. I feel as though my marriage is crumbling around me, and I don’t know what to do about it. My wife and I have been married for 10 years. When we first met, I was just entering a doctoral program. She is an extremely smart woman from a family that never valued education. We instantly fell in love and were married on our one year anniversary. Recently, I’ve started to believe that love is not enough.

 

When we first met, my wife was in her early 20s, living at home, with no job. Within months, I enrolled her in college and we moved in together. We were married a year later, but she had to drop out of college because of an emergency surgery. This would set up a series of health issues that have dominated our marriage. She began working at a retail establishment, a job which she grew to resent over a period of eight years. We moved out of a roommate situation and into an apartment of our own that was closer to my degree program on our one year anniversary.

 

For three years, we lived in a small, one bedroom apartment while I completed my degree. I worked 60 to 80 hours per week between my job and my school. She worked 40 hours per week at her retail job. She attempted to re-enroll in college, but was over-whelmed by working and going to school at the same time, and ultimately dropped out.

 

Despite our long hours, we maintained a healthy intimate relationship. We decided to wait until I graduated to have children, but fully planned on starting a family. Unfortunately, 2009 and 2010 turned out to be incredibly bad years and basically steam-rolled our plans for the future.

 

First, I was laid off. I was working in the housing sector, and my job disappeared with the housing market. Second, we lost our apartment and had to move back into a roommate situation. Our landlady quickly turned from a friend into an enemy, and we desperately needed to get out of that situation. I received my professional certification after graduating, but no one was hiring. I began drinking heavily. We both gained a substantial amount of weight, although we had both been heavy from the beginning.

 

In 2010, I started my own business, which gave me the motivation to cut back on my drinking. Our landlady kicked us out as soon as my business could pay the rent, and we moved into a small, one bedroom apartment near my new office. Then my wife got sick again.

 

While on a business trip, my wife fell violently ill and had to be hospitalized for pneumonia. While in the hospital for a week, they diagnosed her with insulin resistant diabetes. She was in her mid-twenties at the time. Since then, she has been on a series of drug-cocktails, none of which have worked particularly well at controlling her high blood sugars, all of which have effectively killed her libido.

 

Between 2010 and 2013, I slowly built my business. We fell behind on our taxes, but we were beginning to get caught up in 2013 when my wife was laid off. I knew that my wife was miserable and too smart for her place of employment, so I helped her enroll in college again. This time, she is excelling, with a 3.8 GPA and plans to transfer into a dual Bachelor’s/Master’s program at the end of this academic year. Her health and our finances are other matters entirely.

 

Financially, we are barely keeping our head above water. I have acquired a second job and we have been able to work out payment plans with both the federal and state governments with regard to our back taxes, but I am back to working 60 to 80 hours per week. In addition, my second job is a contract position which requires me to be rescheduled every month. I am constantly terrified that I am not going to receive the scheduling call or that the contract will be canceled and that we will be back out on the streets.

 

My wife has been working diligently toward getting gastric bi-pass surgery, which has a very high cure rate for type-2 diabetes. She decided unilaterally that she is not going to have children until her blood sugars are under control, and she will not be able to conceive until two years after the surgery. When I confirmed with her doctor that she could conceive safely with an insulin pump, she politely asked me not to attend any future doctor’s appointments with her. It is her body and her choice, but I wish that I had at least been consulted about the issue. There is a 5.5 year difference between us, and my biological clock is ticking much louder than hers.

 

She has recently been approved for the surgery by her nutritionist, but the surgeon told her that she would need to get her A1C down before they would schedule it. Her new medication is working wonder in this department, but this can take up to three months, and there is a three month delay between the scheduling of the surgery and the surgery itself. This means that the surgery will need to be delayed by anywhere from four to six months.

 

One of our biggest financial challenges has been the cost of my wife’s medication. About a year ago, we switched from Cobra to Obamacare. Unbeknownst to me, my wife reduced the amount of her medication to save on medical costs, out of fear that our new insurance would have substantially more expensive co-pays. This caused her A1C to spike, unnecessarily, since we have now found out that her medications are actually less expensive under the new plan. After her recent meeting with the surgeon, however, she has begun taking the right amount, and there is no reason not to believe that her A1C will be back under control in three months.

 

That brings us to our sex life. We have had sex one time, 2.5 years ago, since my wife’s diagnosis in 2010. My wife claims that the diabetes medication has killed her sex drive. She hopes that it will improve once she gets this surgery and gets off of medication. I have always been faithful to my wife, but this is putting a major strain on our relationship. Part of the problem is our weight (as I said we are both heavy set), however, I have recently lost 100 pounds and she has lost 40 because of the changes that we have made as a result of meeting with the nutritionist. We were also very sexually active at our peak weights, so this is not really an excuse.

 

Recently, I have found it harder and harder to be romantic when I know that there is no chance of us having sex. For example, on our recent 10 year anniversary, I took my wife on a weekend getaway that involved dining at very expensive restaurants and staying at a very expensive hotel. Instead of focusing on how beautiful my wife is and what a wonderfully night it was, my mind kept coming back to that five year period in which we have only had sex once.

 

Please, don’t get me wrong. I consider myself to be a feminist, and I believe that the men’s rights activists who think that they are entitled to sex are delusional. I believe strongly in consent and would never do anything against my wife’s will. Still, in my mind, if you love your partner, then you want to have sex with them. My wife assures me that she loves me, but this assurance seems to fly in the face of our physical reality. She still talks about our future family, which implies that she intends to become sexually active again at some point in the future, but that family seems to fade farther and farther from view for me each passing day.

 

In addition, there is no denying that sex is a biological imperative. I have now spent most of my 30s not having sex. I have a naturally high sex drive, and I’m finding that is it dominating my mind more and more. I don’t want to be yet another one of these married creeps on Adult Friend Finder or Ashley Madison, but I’m not convinced that anything is going to change with regard to our sex life if I stay in my current relationship.

 

The last major fight that we had was about sex, which devolved into her criticizing my physical appearance. I have never body-shamed my wife, who I consider to be extremely beautiful, so this was a particularly bitter pill. When I pointed out that one of her biggest criticisms of her father is that he body-shamed her mother into anorexia, she refused to discuss the matter with me any further. I know that this is just a defense mechanism, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

 

I desperately need advice and help. A year and a half ago, I insisted that we go to marriage counseling. We made it through five sessions before my wife started finding excuses not to go and we quit. My wife and I still love each other very deeply. We are both emotionally supportive of each other, and we greatly enjoy the time (however limited) that we spend with each other, but I’m starting to believe that love is not enough. I feel as though my whole life is being held in abeyance: my sex life, my family life, my financial life. That feeling is cute when you are in your early 20s and you are waiting for your first real job and first real relationship. In my late 30s, it just seems like an unconquerable morass.

 

I have a terrible amount of guilt, especially over the sex issue, since I am well aware of the number of husbands that abandon their wives over chronic illness and fertility issues. At the same time, I don’t feel that I am the villain in this story or that my request for a healthy sex life is unreasonable. Any advice that you give would be greatly appreciative.

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HopeForTomorrow

First - you are in your 30's and you are a man. Your biological clock is not the issue here.

 

Second - IMO by far your biggest concern should be your wife's obesity and uncontrolled T2D. You want her to get pregnant in a situation where her A1C is not under control using an insulin pump? That is a nightmare, high-risk and dangerous to both your wife and the baby. By far the best strategy is to get her weight and diabetes under control BEFORE attempting pregnancy. That should be your focus - not having a child NOW.

 

Third - even aside from those problems, it does not sound like you or your wife are in any kind of financial or emotional state to begin a family. Children do not fix marriages.

 

My strong advice would be to focus intensely on getting your wife's health where it needs to be, and THEN worry about the rest of it.

 

Good luck to you.

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Wow, you do have some issues....

 

Some thoughts...

Prioritize your goals:

First should be your health, both for you and your wife, and hoping that she can find a solution to her problems and get back on schedule. I have a relative with type 2 diabetes and he controls it primarily with diet and exercise, and uses insulin only as a backup and no sex problems. Hope that can work for your wife. Be SURE you are getting good health and nutrition information. I see so many folks that solve there problems with just a good diet and exercise program.

 

Second, get your financial life in order. One of you should have a decent stable income, enough to pay the bills comfortably. Have you finished your doctorate? Are you still self employed? Are you square with the IRS? Do you have a reasonable budget and able to keep spending under control? Money problems can be a huge source of anxiety and stress. (which also kills libido).

 

Third, continue to work on your relationship... you need a GOOD counselor (hard to find, so keep trying until you find them). And you need to work hard WITH your wife so you have an understanding on everything.... get some self help books, like 5 Love Languages and read them together.... and spend some quality time with her, perhaps 15 interrupted hours a week.

 

Now, you HAVE made some progress... you are getting your weight under control. (and you know that weight is a huge libido killer).

 

You can still have a family, but there's a strong argument to stabilize your life first... too many issue to raise a kid with, and the kid can cause even more issues. Be ready for that. And, if you keep yourself healthy and active, having a kid at 40 can work out just great.

 

These are just a few thought.... hope there's a little that helps. Keep us posted.

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I think she needs some kind of ultimatim, her health problems are fixable. It's time for her to get her act together, if you can lose weight so can she, her loss to date is a lot less than yours, is that because she's not putting in the effort that you are??

I'd be really angry if my partner body shamed me, especially if his body needed work too, what a cheek!!

 

In your shoes, I'd be telling her either she takes her health issues seriously and starts to show some physical affection to you or you walk.

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Thank you all for the advice. We are working diligently to get the health issues under control. To be fair to my wife, I lost 60 of the 100 pounds prior to us beginning the process of her getting the surgery. I am heavier than she is and had a lot more to lose. At my peak, I was not at a weight that was sustainable.

 

I'm not sure what else I can do on the economic front. I am currently working 60 to 80 hours a week. If I force my wife to work, her grades will drop and she will end up back in an industry that she hates. My degree requires me to be licensed in any state in which I intend to practice. I live on the border of three states, so my main professional goal is to get licensed in all three states.

 

I also agree that starting a family right now is not a good idea. I was not mentioning the insulin pump as an example of something that was realistic that we could do, but more as an example of how I have been shut out from every major decision since my wife got sick. I feel like I am getting a bad rap on that point. Many men leave their wives when they discover that they are going to have fertility issues. I not only haven't left, but I am actively seeking to repair our relationship.

 

I know that I am in my late 30s and have plenty of time to start a family, but that doesn't change the fact the fact that I feel as though my whole life as been put on hold for years. It is the conflict between these two emotions that is killing me. I want my wife to be healthy, but I also don't want to be that father at my children's graduation about whom everyone is saying "Wasn't it nice for your grandfather to show up?" This recently delay of another six months is why I am reaching out for help. I long ago came to terms with the fact that I would not be able to have children until at least two years after this surgery, but when we can't even get a date set for the surgery, the whole situation begins to look incredibly hopeless.

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HopeForTomorrow

Thanks for that follow-up. And I realize that this must be terribly frustrating for you.

 

Is your wife at all amenable to less drastic methods of weight loss? Sounds like she has tried, given that she has lost some weight. Being in her 30s with uncontrolled A1C should scare the living daylights out of her, fertility issues aside.

 

That said, her weight issues are likely impacting everything else - her lack of sexual desire, her hesitancy to starting a family, her ambition for work/career/school. If that gets corrected, I think there is a very good chance you can successfully work on the other issues.

 

I don't know that I would say she has a 'fertility issue'. Her fertility may be just fine, once she is at a healthy weight to resolve her uncontrolled glucose and safely carry a pregnancy. It's really up to her to resolve this. It's possible that she may have fertility issues related to insulin resistance (anyone ever told her she has PCOS?) but that bridge can be crossed when you come to it. Treating the insulin resistance is often successful in that case.

 

Perhaps what you should do is have a serious talk with her about your concerns and let her know that in your view, if this doesn't get resolved you will have a very hard time remaining in the marriage. I am sure you have had this talk before, but she needs to realize she may be at risk of losing you over it. Maybe that will be the kick she needs. But she will have to know you mean it.

 

Tell her that she either needs to commit to losing the weight via diet/exercise or set a date for the surgery. You deserve to have a wife who's committed to being healthy - but I think you should remember that you both were not committing to this goal for many years, so she is really still just sunk into the same hole you both have been in during all this time. It's up to HER to want to get out.

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Sorry that this surgery is gettng delayed, but you NEED these extra years to get your finances in order before you have a kid. Even if your wife was 100% healthy, you two do NOT need to be bringing a child into a sexless marriage going through a financial crisis. Jesus Christ. It sounds like you need to wait until your wife finishes school. You need to wait until you have two stable incomes (or one that can support everyone). You need to wait until you are SURE that this surgery fixes your wife's libido problem.

 

That means that you are just going to have to accept being an older father. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but please think of the baby first!

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lucy_in_disguise

Its frustrating that things arent going according to your preferred timeline, but it doesnt sound like you and your wife are anywhere near ready for a baby right now anyway. 6 months in the grand scheme of things isnt that much longer to wait. You shouldnt look at it as your life being put on hold, since it would prbably take longer than 2.5 years to sort out all your issues, anyway. Theres a lot u and your wife need to sort out- financial issues, libido issues, health issues - and i would take the time now to prepare as well as possible.

 

In regards to your concerns about being an older dad, based on the stats, you will be in good company.

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Putting the baby and financial situation aside, the intimacy (which is the glue in marriage) is being compromised and your wife is not understanding the gravity of the situation. Sex is low on her list but high on yours...that's a big problem and she's downplaying for two reasons: First, she's getting what she wants (no sex) and second, she doesn't understand that as a man, you need physical intimacy to feel loved.

 

For some women, they don't need physical intimacy to feel loved. So on her end, there is no problem.

 

Buy her the book: "For Women Only, What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men", by Shaunti Feldhahn. I had no idea how important sex was to men until I read this book. The author does a good job explaining in a way to be helpful and not condemning to women.

 

Your wife needs to know this is a serious problem for you and she cannot ignore it. I would also fight for counseling again.

 

Once the both of you are on the same team, it will make all other problems seem not so overwhelming. Life may not get easier, but once the marriage is repaired, as a unit you will be stronger.

 

I have to say, I congratulate you for not cheating. You have character. Your needs are not being met at the moment but you're not using that as an excuse. It's all too easy to cheat now a days but you're not going there. Your wife also needs to realize this. She has a good man!

 

Best wishes on your situation. Hang in there and don't give up. It wouldn't hurt to pray about the situation as well, to get as much help as you can.

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First - you are in your 30's and you are a man. Your biological clock is not the issue here.

 

I think this is an unfair statement - and I had a son at age 47. Having children late in life alters the financial and logistical landscape in ways that aren't for everyone. His desire to plan his parenting timeline isn't any less relevant than a woman's.

 

Abeyance, were it me, I'd refuse to stay in a marriage with a partner that wouldn't engage me sexually IN ANY WAY over a 5-year time span. Others may feel differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

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HopeForTomorrow
I think this is an unfair statement - and I had a son at age 47. Having children late in life alters the financial and logistical landscape in ways that aren't for everyone. His desire to plan his parenting timeline isn't any less relevant than a woman's.

 

Fair enough, although planning 'a parenting timeline in terms of financial and logistical landscape' aren't what I would define as a "biological clock".

 

I'll rephrase and say that IMO his biological clock (or parental timeline planning issues, or whatever) are probably less immediately important than his wife's health issues. Just my two little cents.

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Your wife is being self-involved and doesn't want to hear your side of things. Not having sex for years is completely unacceptable. You need to get through to her by letting her know how critical it is to the survival of your marriage. And what is she planning exactly? To only use you as a sperm bank, have the kids and then cut off sex again? I'd be very careful about staying with someone like this. There are lots of women who do this, knowing the man is trapped at that point.

 

As far as your finances are concerned, I'd suggest some very radical changes. There are lots of books out there about how to do this. Dave Ransey's course is extremely practical and workable and I'd recommend that you look into it, or something that gives you a solid plan. You could probably buy the Ramsey disks on craigslist.

 

I agree that you don't want to be too old when you become a dad but I agree with the others that you're just not in a position to have a baby. Even if you leave your wife tomorrow, it would take time to meet someone, to develop a relationship, etc. I know you must feel extremely frustrated and somewhat trapped. The answers aren't easy. I would suggest that if things aren't better in a year, then you would be better off ending your marriage.

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Thank you all for the advice. We are working diligently to get the health issues under control. To be fair to my wife, I lost 60 of the 100 pounds prior to us beginning the process of her getting the surgery. I am heavier than she is and had a lot more to lose. At my peak, I was not at a weight that was sustainable.

 

I'm not sure what else I can do on the economic front. I am currently working 60 to 80 hours a week. If I force my wife to work, her grades will drop and she will end up back in an industry that she hates. My degree requires me to be licensed in any state in which I intend to practice. I live on the border of three states, so my main professional goal is to get licensed in all three states.

 

I also agree that starting a family right now is not a good idea. I was not mentioning the insulin pump as an example of something that was realistic that we could do, but more as an example of how I have been shut out from every major decision since my wife got sick. I feel like I am getting a bad rap on that point. Many men leave their wives when they discover that they are going to have fertility issues. I not only haven't left, but I am actively seeking to repair our relationship.

 

I know that I am in my late 30s and have plenty of time to start a family, but that doesn't change the fact the fact that I feel as though my whole life as been put on hold for years. It is the conflict between these two emotions that is killing me. I want my wife to be healthy, but I also don't want to be that father at my children's graduation about whom everyone is saying "Wasn't it nice for your grandfather to show up?" This recently delay of another six months is why I am reaching out for help. I long ago came to terms with the fact that I would not be able to have children until at least two years after this surgery, but when we can't even get a date set for the surgery, the whole situation begins to look incredibly hopeless.

 

Abeyance,

I find it hard that a PhD can't comfortably provide a good income for both on only 40 hrs a week, but 60 to 80 hours a week is just nuts. I suspect there's more to the story, over living your means or some other thing. You should be able to easily solve that problem.

 

The wife's issues, however, are just a serious, and need some real help.

 

As for the timeline, I can really appreciate that.... it takes a special person to have kids later in life, as the kids are graduating from school after you retire... that sucks. You need some form of a timeline that you and the wife can meet, and stick to it. If things just continue on the status quo, you're right, it will be hopeless.

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Thank you all for the advice. My wife is out of town for Thanksgiving weekend visiting her family. I decided to take the weekend to do a lot of soul-searching and to decide if my marriage can be saved. I've determined to stick it out, but with an ultimatum, but not the one that has been suggested by several members. I am going to insist that we go back to counseling. I don't think that she knows just how profoundly unhappy I am at the moment. Hopefully we can cure that through counseling.

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I don't think that she knows just how profoundly unhappy I am at the moment.

 

well... let her know.

 

this will sound harsh - but wanting kids doesn't always translate into having them. LIFE happens - such as your partner having a serious & life threatening illness. did you ever discuss that, at all...?

 

what happens if it turns out that your wife can't have children due to her condition? what happens if she doesn't get better? is your wish for children above your marriage, do you want kids no matter who you have them with... just for the sake of having kids?

 

life sometimes doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to - it's up to you to deal with the new situation. for many, children simply aren't in the cards. if you and your wife are one of those folks - how will you deal with that?

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Frankly, I think your only good option is to leave. Life isn't fair, but we all deserve a chance to find happiness if we can.

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well... let her know.

 

this will sound harsh - but wanting kids doesn't always translate into having them. LIFE happens - such as your partner having a serious & life threatening illness. did you ever discuss that, at all...?

 

what happens if it turns out that your wife can't have children due to her condition? what happens if she doesn't get better? is your wish for children above your marriage, do you want kids no matter who you have them with... just for the sake of having kids?

 

life sometimes doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to - it's up to you to deal with the new situation. for many, children simply aren't in the cards. if you and your wife are one of those folks - how will you deal with that?

 

Just my thoughts I this but the issue of having or not having kids is a huge one to a lot of people. Children are extremely important and, yes, some people would end a relationship over something like this. If life happens, then it could be turned around the other way for his wife. She makes no effort to make their marriage better and maybe she can or can't help her illness but life happens, right? I'm not suggesting that we should all bail on our sick spouses but when a sick spouse doesn't seem to care much about their spouses happiness or their point of view, then they don't get to use their illness as an excuse, and they don't get to hold their spouse hostage.

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