Always on back burner

[DeterminedHusbanb]

My wife thinks or last if she even thinks of me at all. Over 10 years of marriage and she has slept with me less than she has. I had been married before and never had this. I was not too relationship savvy, because I had been married at 18, for about 14 years. I was the 14th lover for her, she said. It bothered me, and she recently, after years of marriage told me she had ran wild and used a lot of cocaine.

At first, I thought the sex was great and it was because there was so much and both of are easy to finish. Then, I realized that the "extras" were one sided. She loved it, but did not return. Nowadays she doesn't hardly sleep with me or give me any sex. She can ignore me for weeks. I've really spoiled her when her life wasn't stacked in her favor : single/2 kids, no college. She can make time for everyone but me. I get resentful and we fight and she says that is why she don't sleep with me. Thoughts?

[MuffMan6969]

Maybe the moons and stars are not alinging for her. You were married 14 years, then you were her 14th lover, and now she doesnt want to be with you for 14 years.

Is she into astroligy?

[DeterminedHusbanb]

Was with ex wife 14 years? Not new wife.

[Almond_Joy]

My wife thinks or last if she even thinks of me at all. Over 10 years of marriage and she has slept with me less than she has. I had been married before and never had this. I was not too relationship savvy, because I had been married at 18, for about 14 years. I was the 14th lover for her, she said. It bothered me, and she recently, after years of marriage told me she had ran wild and used a lot of cocaine.

At first, I thought the sex was great and it was because there was so much and both of are easy to finish. Then, I realized that the "extras" were one sided. She loved it, but did not return. Nowadays she doesn't hardly sleep with me or give me any sex. She can ignore me for weeks. I've really spoiled her when her life wasn't stacked in her favor : single/2 kids, no college. She can make time for everyone but me. I get resentful and we fight and she says that is why she don't sleep with me. Thoughts?

 

Not saying she can't improve but the way you describe the situation in the bolded comes off petulant and crass.

 

"I took care of you when you had nothing, give me the sex I want and the "extras"(wtf are extras, you mean other ways of being physically intimate?)

 

You talk about this marriage like it's some sort of business deal and you've finished your payments and now it's time for her to render the service you paid for. Maybe you don't feel that way but your communication can use some work. I'd be ALL THE WAY turned off and uninterested in you if this is how you talked to me about our sex life and relationship.

 

And what else is she not doing for you OUTSIDE of sex that makes you feel like you're last on the totem pole? IS there anything outside of sex? Be specific in the ways you'd like her to be attentive to you.

 

"I'd like to be able to vent about my work day with you and have you really listen to me when I come home from work."

 

"It makes me feel good when you compliment me."

 

"I'd really enjoy your company when I go do ABC."

 

Requests like this show that you want her in your life and miss her presence when she's tied up in other things. If you don't tell and show her that her attention matters then she will absolutely find other things to occupy her time. If you ask her for these things and she flat out refuses then you've got a compatibility problem which may or may not be resolvable.

 

I imagine she's gotten an earful of what you want already in the arguments you start. Ask her to try/do one of the sexual things you'd like more of. If she says no, ask why. Her refusing sexual acts can come from a myriad of factors, and you need to find out what those are so that she can be comfortable emotionally and excited about the prospect of sex. Kee pdoing this until you reach a happy medium where you're both usually satisfied with the frequency and quality of sex.

 

 

Hope this helps.

 

 

And don't bring up this mess about you taking care of her when she had nothing going for her again. That's in the past and has nothing to do with fulfilling emotional needs. Bringing up financial support in the face of relationship dynamics just shows you to have a complete disconnect to some foundationally important areas of a healthy fulfilling relationship.