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Ex is visiting my city, wants to meet up. How should I talk to my husband?


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peacefulwifey

I've tried to mull this situation over in my head, but that's getting me nowhere, so I'm here to ask your advice.

 

My ex-boyfriend is visiting my city for Thanksgiving. We broke up amicably a few years ago, after dating for a year. Since then, we've kept in touch via phone calls/texting. I've moved several states away and have gotten married since our breakup.

 

Last week, he called and told me that he was going to be visiting my city for a couple of days, and asked if we could get together for lunch or a drink. I was a little caught off guard, so I haven't given him an answer.

 

I would like to see him, but the problem is, I'm not sure if this is even appropriate for a married woman to do. I also don't how to talk to my husband about this. I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him insecure. Not telling him isn't an option.

 

I'd really be interested in hearing what guys (especially married ones) have to say about this. If the consensus is no, then I'd rather not even broach the topic with him. Although my ex is a nice guy, and it would be great to catch up again, my husband and our marriage is what matters most in this situation.

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My husband wouldn't mind at all, in fact would most likely encourage it. But I don't think we're the norm so I dont think that helps you. I think the majority of posters are going to tell you you're crazy.

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T-16bullseyeWompRat

Im pretty laid back as well, and would have no issue with this at all. But my wife would kill me if the shoe were on the other foot, and i asked to have lunch with an ex. First of all I wouldnt be stupid enough to ask my wife. In fact I havent nor will i ever be in contact with any ex's. I dont need that trouble in my life. As i recall, these ex's were trouble to begin with, which is why we split

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peacefulwifey
Im pretty laid back as well, and would have no issue with this at all. But my wife would kill me if the shoe were on the other foot, and i asked to have lunch with an ex. First of all I wouldnt be stupid enough to ask my wife. In fact I havent nor will i ever be in contact with any ex's. I dont need that trouble in my life. As i recall, these ex's were trouble to begin with, which is why we split

 

Same, if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't mind either. This particular ex is the only one I've kept in touch with. We broke up because we mutually agreed that the vibe between us was more "friendly" than "sexy," and that we were better off as friends.

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It wouldn't be an issue for me or my H, but on this board you are likely to get a lot of negative feedback.

 

If you are feeling unsure, why not ask your H to accompany you?

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I would like to see him, but the problem is, I'm not sure if this is even appropriate for a married woman to do. I also don't how to talk to my husband about this. I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him insecure. Not telling him isn't an option.

 

I'd really be interested in hearing what guys (especially married ones) have to say about this. If the consensus is no, then I'd rather not even broach the topic with him. Although my ex is a nice guy, and it would be great to catch up again, my husband and our marriage is what matters most in this situation.

 

What's appropriate is whatever you and your husband decide is appropriate. Ever couple is different in how they decide to handle these things. Some say no contact with exes ever, some say contact is okay but it has to include spouses, and some say see whomever you like just don't cheat So there is no clear right and wrong. How has your husband dealt with this friendship so far? If he has been fine all along he may not mind this meeting one bit. However if the friendship is already making him uncomfortable then he likely won't be to happy about a face to face meeting. I find it weird that you two haven't already had some sort of discussion about this.

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Catching up with an EX years later isn't all that terrible if you all know where the boundaries are and you are clear about the purpose of the meeting. Personally I would invite DH along for this drink just to keep things above board.

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Do you need this potential drama in your marriage? Why fly so close to the flame over a meet up with an ex? If really need to do this, take your new husband (if the vibe) to meet your friendly ex.

 

Don't invite issues into a marriage is my policy. Be respectful. BTW why a drink this has even more bad potential.

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My husband wouldn't mind as long as I asked him first, told him where we were going to be, and how long I would I would be gone.

 

If it is above board, open, and honest, I see no problem with it.

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I have an ex that I'd love to catch up with (nothing romantic whatsoever) and have been offered the chance to do so recently too.

 

I politely declined, to me it doesn't seem appropriate, whether my girl would like it or not (I told her about it and she agreed she would not appreciate that at all). Sometimes you just have to let go and leave it gone! But I agree, it depends on the couple.

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acrosstheuniverse

Everyone is different. It probably wouldn't bother me if my partner did this as long as he was open and honest about it. A year isn't exactly a long relationship and the fact that it ended amicably would put me at ease: if one person had left the other heartbroken I might feel less comfortable but from what you've said its no big deal.

 

I generally stay away from exes as friends but am friendly with one serious ex, we only speak via Facebook once every few months or so mostly about music, I wouldn't go out of my way to hang with him though. When we bump into him at gigs it's fine, no weirdness, and he and my partner both shake hands and chat to each other too. Another ex of mine wasn't a serious relationship but we dated for six months and I see him a few times per year as we were friends prior to dating and have been since it ended five years ago. I always invite my partner, he always declines but is happy for me to go because he trusts me.

 

In your position you really should be able to speak to your husband about this. Just tell him your ex has asked to hang out in the city and does he fancy going? Act like it's a given he'd be coming too (it should be up to him but the invite should be there). See what he says. I'm sure he'll be happy you were so transparent.

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It would bother me, but I have been burned more than once by ex's.

 

Ex's are a huge source of affairs, the sexual familiarity and past emotions are there which make it easier to cross boundaries. Even simple boundaries like discussing your marriage and husband to an ex.

 

I assume your husband knows you have been in contact with your ex - communicating here and there as you say for a while. That does not seem to bother him. Everyone is different however and some husbands would not care at all. You married your husband and you should know him well enough. If there is even a chance he would be bummed you asked to meet with an old lover - why bother - he is your husband and mate.

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I invite my ex to a BBQ lunch at my house wth my husband and sister's family. There was no way things could have been misinterpreted

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Would you be OK with him going out for drinks with an ex girlfriend???

 

And no, doing this without telling your husband quite frankly is cheating. Having dates with other men without your husband knowing is not appripriate for married women or men for that matter.

 

And if he is just a friend and you have no romantic interest in him, why would you want to go out with him without your husband. ???

 

If you read this or any other relationship forum, you will find it littered with instances of spouses meeting "innocently" with ex boyfriends or girlfriends and winding up you know where. I am not saying that will happen to you, but what i wonder is why you are so interested in putting yourself into a position .

 

And YOUR feelings of him as "friend" is no guarantee of what is in his mind.

 

It does not matter what any of these other posters think. You are not married to them What matters is what your husband thinks and answer why your ex has no interest in meeting you WITH your husband if this is just some friendly get together.

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Is it so important to you to 'catch up' with your ex that you are willing to upset your husband, give your ex false hopes and expectations and potentially open yourself up to feelings or even inappropriate actions with your ex?

 

 

If your answer is yes you catching up is so important that you are willing to risk all of those things to find out how his mom is doing and how his new job is going for him, then the way to mitigate those risks is have him bring along his current partner and you bring along your husband so that those people are also involved in the conversations.

 

 

If you are having an association with someone that you don't want your husband or the other man's GF/spouse to be present and part of the conversation, then you probably shouldn't be having that association.

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it's only appropriate.. IMO as a married man, if your husband goes with you.

It isn't appropriate for a married woman to meet up with an ex who isn't a friend of the entire family and certainly isn't right if the spouse doesn't know.

 

What it would show me is that you aren't over them.. if any of my ex's wanted to meet I'd be like, no way, I'm married now..

 

Why risk driving a wedge in a marriage that you are happy and love your husband in ?

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Just my opinion, but people with whom you've shared intimacy no longer should be allowed to be inserted into a marriage in anyway.

 

 

Bring your husband along so he could shake the hand that was all over his wife? I think that is one of the most disrespectful things one spouse can do to another.

 

 

You can have your exes in your thoughts kept under control but keep exes out of your life.

 

 

Just sayin',

 

 

Twosadthings

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Is it so important to you to 'catch up' with your ex that you are willing to upset your husband, give your ex false hopes and expectations and potentially open yourself up to feelings or even inappropriate actions with your ex?

I'm sorry, but this is SO ridiculously over the top.

 

The OP CLEARLY stated that they've kept in touch over the years and kept each other updated on their lives because their breakup was amicable and they've remained friends.

 

It's not like this guy poked his head up from nowhere and is trying to put the moves on her. Jeez. They've stayed in touch over the years so it's highly doubtful she's going to give the guy 'false hopes' if she spends an hour or two having lunch with him while he's in her city. :rolleyes:

 

The OP has also CLEARLY stated that her marriage is her first priority, so again, it's highly doubtful she'll be groping the guy under the table at Applebee's while they have their monster burgers. Jesus.

 

Paranoia aside OP, some spouses are very insecure and some aren't. I have no idea which category your husband falls under.

 

Perhaps you could invite your old BF to your house for lunch while your hubby is there so they can meet, and see there are no 'evil' intentions behind you meeting up while he's in town?

 

Not EVERYONE has ulterior motives.

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It does not matter what any of these other posters think. You are not married to them What matters is what your husband thinks and answer why your ex has no interest in meeting you WITH your husband if this is just some friendly get together.

 

 

This is very true. It doesn't matter what we think. What your husband thinks is the only thing that counts. If DH says no, if you meet with this EX you a prioritizing him over your marriage & that is just wrong.

 

 

My husband wouldn't be overly concerned because I am a very bright line person. DH & my HS BF actually became friends after my 25th reunion (but that was a high school lol)

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Do you need this potential drama in your marriage? Why fly so close to the flame over a meet up with an ex? If really need to do this, take your new husband (if the vibe) to meet your friendly ex.

 

Don't invite issues into a marriage is my policy. Be respectful. BTW why a drink this has even more bad potential.

 

I agree with colonel. There is just so much more downside potential than is justified, assuming of course that you're neutral on this ex and not subconsciously hoping for something more.

 

It feels different for you than it does for your husband. Even if you ask and he agrees, it's likely that he's thinking, "I wish this wasn't happening." From his perspective nothing good can come of it, but there is inherent risk and a messy feeling even if he trusts you implicitly. "My wife is off to socialize with a man she used to exchange bodily fluids with" is just not a good feeling for a man.

 

I used to date a woman I was pretty serious about, and I thought she was too. She flew across the country to see family during the summer. We always talked on the phone, every night before bedtime. Then one night she texted saying she was tired and had a busy day, let's talk tomorrow. Ok, not problem. Well, the next day she told me that she had visited her ex-bf who had dumped her and broken her heart. Nothing happen between them, physically... but my first thought was, uh oh, this doesn't sound good. Our relationship declined after that and she dumped me a few months later. It wasn't to go back with him or anything like that. It just triggered a case of GIGS and she lost the focus on our relationship. Yea, I realize it wasn't meant to be but this meeting, as innocent as it was, was the tipping point. I'm sure of it even though she would never admit it.

 

I'm not saying the same thing is bound to happen or anything like that... just relating a story that will help you understand why "nothing good can come of it," is not an irrational or inconsequential thought.

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it all depend on you and your husband, but if you take your husband with you to meet the ex BF, problem is solved, if there is anything that you want to discuss with him in private that you think your husband should not be aware you are already in trouble. so if you have nothing to hide you will have nothing to fear.

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I'm sorry, but this is SO ridiculously over the top.

 

The OP CLEARLY stated that they've kept in touch over the years and kept each other updated on their lives because their breakup was amicable and they've remained friends.

 

It's not like this guy poked his head up from nowhere and is trying to put the moves on her. Jeez. They've stayed in touch over the years so it's highly doubtful she's going to give the guy 'false hopes' if she spends an hour or two having lunch with him while he's in her city. :rolleyes:

 

The OP has also CLEARLY stated that her marriage is her first priority, so again, it's highly doubtful she'll be groping the guy under the table at Applebee's while they have their monster burgers. Jesus.

 

Paranoia aside OP, some spouses are very insecure and some aren't. I have no idea which category your husband falls under.

 

Perhaps you could invite your old BF to your house for lunch while your hubby is there so they can meet, and see there are no 'evil' intentions behind you meeting up while he's in town?

 

Not EVERYONE has ulterior motives.

 

The fact that they have always kept in touch kinda further proves my point, why would they need to "catch up" now?

 

Assuming everything is on the up and up and no-one has any ulterior motives, then she needs to ask herself if hearing about his job and how his parents are doing and how his remodeling project on his basement is going is that important to her that she is willing to risk the security of her marriage and risk giving the ex expectations and putting herself at risk of redeveloping feelings and a whole host of other potential complications.

 

Let's all at least try to be honest and realistic here, people rekindle feelings and have inappropriate contact with exes all the time. And even the Times it does not end up with deep feelings or affairs, it often causes anxiety, suspicion and insecurity in the spouse and conflicting feelings in the players.

 

Is hearing about your ex's new job and new landscaping in their yard, really worth the risk and trouble?

 

Because here is the real catch here. If things really are on the up and up, then conversations about jobs and house repairs and the kids sports are all that there is going to be. Is that really worth the trouble and conflict?????

 

And if the conversation is going to be deeper and more meaningful (ie feelings and desire etc) Is that appropriate????

 

It's really a high risk/ no win situation.

 

What is there to be gained and what is the benifit of hanging out with an ex?

 

The risks and pitfalls are obvious and self evident.

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it all depend on you and your husband, but if you take your husband with you to meet the ex BF, problem is solved, if there is anything that you want to discuss with him in private that you think your husband should not be aware you are already in trouble. so if you have nothing to hide you will have nothing to fear.

 

I would tend to agree with this. If my wife came to me and said she had an ex that she wanted to meet up and just catch up and I was welcome to go, I may not go but the invite would probably calm any fears that it is to reconnect with an old flame.

 

 

On the flip side of this, my wife had an old flame (they had dated 10+ years ago) that she was just friends with when we first started dating that she told me about. After we were engaged, she said he had called and wanted to meet for lunch one day when he was in her area and she declined. Told him that we could all, meaning his wife and she and I, could meet for dinner. She didn't think it was appropriate for the two of them to go alone. He declined saying that his wife didn't know that he kept in touch with her and wouldn't like it. I had a problem with this guy. The fact he would go behind his wife's back to keep in touch with her said a lot about who he was and what he was hoping to get out of the relationship. That was over 2 years ago and he hasn't contacted her since. I feel he had less than pure motives and when he figured out he wasn't getting anywhere he disappeared.

 

 

Be as open and honest as you can with your husband and you should be okay. You seem to be serious that your marriage is paramount so as long as you keep that in mind I have no doubt that you will do the right thing. I would be curious to know however the dialogue between you and your husband regarding this ex. From your statement about not wanting to upset him I derive that he isn't thrilled about this friendship continuing and most likely isn't saying anything to keep from upsetting you. With the ex being in another city and not in your daily life maybe it wasn't a big deal to him. Bringing him to your city and meeting him could bring a whole different dynamic into this for your husband. Good luck OP.

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Not EVERYONE has ulterior motives.

 

While that is true, the when Harry met Sally rule also falls into effect in certain circumstances.. such as having slept with each other in the past....Men will always want to sleep with you even if it is for one last time..

 

LG, inviting a circumstance that can upset your Husband into the marriage is one of "is it worth the price I can pay ?" .. not saying anything ill will would happen but is it worth opening up the possibility of a wedge being driven in the wife/husband bond to see someone you used to sleep with face to face instead of through email or whatever means they used to keep in touch over ?

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