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I lost the meaning of happiness. Share what it means for you to be happy.


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I'm not a privilege person. I had to work hard at a very young age to earn everything and my family was poor. I've accomplished a lot. I do well in everything I do whether it is work or interests. I'm confident, has a good wife, and good children. My parents were cold and I never got along with them and I know that had a big impact on me.

 

I just finished an EA with someone I've never met. It was an accident. She seeked me out and it went from friendship to more. I didn't ask for it and I was honest to her from day one. She became a good friend and someone who was very rewarding in my everyday life. It's done now but it left me stressed, tired, drained, and lost, more so than before the A. I've gone through with my wife concerning the A and we are better than before. We spend more times together and we no longer neglect each other's needs. I'm happy when I see her happy and same with my children.

 

I still look at people around me and wonder what makes them happy: the gardener, the kid walking on the street. Well, except that I think they might be happier. I appreciate everything I have because everything was worked hard for. Or do I not appreciate it and it's why I'm not happy? I don't know. It's constant wondering. I don't have low self esteem issue. I'm very independent and rarely ask for help. Here I'm today for the first time in my life, I ask..... what happened to me? Before the A, I was unhappy but just thinking about my interest and hobbies lighted me up. After the A, I don't have the same drive anymore. Am I just someone that just should have had more friends in life? I never needed any. I had my gf, my wife, and it was enough. I do have to admit that I'm always the caretaker of the relationship and my wife is a gentle person. I love her and I have no blame or regret for marrying her. However, she's not someone I can go to for emotional help. If I approach her with problems, usually, it's a bigger problem and I'm worser off. What happened to me recently. I was once strong, independtly and had the answer for everything. The A made me realize I need friends, emotional support in life? I will not accept the middle age crisis thing. I'm more confidence in my appearance and my abilities than when I was in my 20's.

 

What makes you happy. I've lost the meaning recently. Share your stories!

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happiness is peace of mind. freedom from fear. accepting of oneself- imperfections and all. happiness is hope. gratitude and ... a pair of cute shoes :p

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happiness is peace of mind. freedom from fear. accepting of oneself- imperfections and all. happiness is hope. gratitude and ... a pair of cute shoes :p

 

I have all those things except for a pair of cute shoes ?.

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HopeForTomorrow

Hi Dylon. I've followed your story, although I don't post in the OW section anymore so I haven't replied to your threads there. (And I'm not usually this nice to former MM, but you seem genuine and are clearly in a lot of angst and pain).

 

I am single, a former OW (of many years) in a relationship that started out when he was separated/divorcing and then, after a few years, he went back to his marriage. The whole thing was an emotional disaster for me, especially the part after he went back to his marriage and was trying to keep me too and it nearly destroyed me. I will tell you that you did the right thing by leaving the OW alone. She needs to heal. And, she will heal. I did.

 

I think you are feeling the muted/blunted emotions that come from losing someone who was important to you on some pretty deep levels. Now you are wondering - like I wondered at the time - whether you will ever have those feelings again. Whether you will just have to go through life feeling this horrible sense of 'nothingness', sort of. It's almost like you are talking yourself into believing you are happy with your life as it is now - like you are SUPPOSED to be happy, so what is wrong with you. Am I close?

 

I'm on the other end of the equation from you, but I can tell you that you are going to feel this way for awhile. I am sure she is hurting too, very much so. You can't really continue to beat yourself up for her pain, though, because she knew you were married going into this. I get that people say "it just happened" but you don't get that close to someone by accident. You cross lines and boundaries. That's how you get there.

 

Be glad that you did not meet this person, because I can tell you from experience that after that happened, things got ten thousand times more intense. We were very close before meeting (for many months; actually more than a year) and very affectionate and emotionally close. That was exponentially multiplied after we met for the first time, and thus started spending much more time together for the next few years (it was long distance so a lot of airport scenes).

 

My advice is focus on you, your family, your marriage. I also get that you don't really feel 100% into that, and you're still in pain from losing your OW and mourning the loss of that person in your life. And maybe you're wondering if it was really not just that particular person, but the role she played in your life that you are mourning. And that's even harder to face because it means you have to fill that role in some other manner. That's scary because you don't know how to even begin to do that, and what if you are unhappy or just 'existing' forever... I know.

 

For me it took years but I got over this man. In my case I was dealing with a lot more issues that had to do with me than him, per se, and I didn't want to face those issues so I continued to hang on. I was afraid (emotionally) to be without him. I was afraid of that horrible empty feeling that you just don't know is ever going to leave. But in the end, you just have to go through it. Not around it or over it, but through it, and come out the other side.

 

My ex-MM eventually went through with his divorce and wanted to come back to me. But too much time had passed, I had healed, I saw things for what they were, and I no longer wanted him. Even now I could have him back in a second, but I have moved on. There is another person (single) I want much more than I ever wanted him, whether or not that ever works out. He's a handful and we are both very strong-willed and opinionated people, so you can imagine how that goes sometimes. We are both working at making each other feel safe - something that to me is part of being happy.

 

What is happiness? People will say 'it comes from within', a phrase I used to hate, but it really does. But it is also about the person you are with. That person. If you are not getting your needs met by your wife from an emotional point of view, then WORK ON THAT. Don't look for it somewhere else, because it's a whole lot easier for someone else to meet those needs when they aren't having to deal with all the other crap that goes along with day-to-day life.

 

No relationships are magical. They take work, and if you were to be with OW someday down the road, believe me, that would take work too. Right now it's a little bit of the GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) kicking in, so keep that in mind. Your wife can't compete with that - no one can. But it doesn't mean you can't be happy with her.

 

Happiness, to me, means I am content with myself. I live authentically. I enjoy every day. I feel alive. And, I have someone I love and desire both physically and emotionally in my life who I can wake up with every day, go to bed with every night, and share my dreams with for the rest of my life.

 

I wish you peace.

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I believe that happiness has more to do with your frame of mind and less to do with your circumstances. I've seen very happy poor people and very unhappy rich people.

 

Since I can't think of a good reason to be unhappy, I choose to be happy. :D

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I would not say I am happy, in fact I struggle with depression over losses. You have a loss (right or wrong). In other words I once went on a bunch of anti-depressants after my first marriage ended, they did not work. I asked my therapist - how come I am still sad? He said these meds are for people who are depressed for no reason, you have a reason.

 

A couple of thoughts that bring "moments" of happiness.

 

You mention seeing the gardener or a neighborhood kid being happy. I often find moments of happiness in others happiness. A kid (especially MY kid) being joylessly happy will make me light up. I allow and seek that.

 

You can't talk to your wife about your issues. Ya I get that ! You need a good therapist to talk too. Find one that will work with you and fits your ideal. This may also help you from seeking it from another woman.

 

Music and movies can relieve bring some happiness.

 

Exercise and activities (and volunteer) can bring some happiness.

 

Lastly - a thought. Are we supposed to be "happy" all the time? Are the other things or feelings or thoughts that are also worthy to focus on ? Feeling respected? Feeling honorable? Feeling value? feeling you make a difference ? Feeling just okay? I say this because sometimes feeling sad or unhappy is self perpetuating you focus on that feeling and it just goes around and around...while shifting to other thoughts/feelings can help.

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1. Happiness is not a permanent state. It comes and goes like clouds. I am a chronic depressive and have been since my 20s. I have learned to experience my moods as they pass KNOWING that they will pass, the 'good' and the 'bad'.

 

2. Happiness DOES come from within. It doesn't come from an individual, a bottle, book or activity. If those things richen your life they will help. But being present in whatever you do and not looking back into the past or on into the future is the most important thing.

 

3. Acting happy can make you happy. Doing things to make others happy generates it's own joy. It's a virtuous circle.

 

4. Be patient. You have been through the mill recently. Treat yourself as if you are a convalescent from an emotional illness. Don't expect too much too soon.

 

5. Is there a possibility you are depressed? I fought against my diagnosis for a long long time. But accepting it made life better in the end.

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I hate to hear you don't feel that you can talk to your wife about these feelings. Is that something you two could work on?

I have a tendency to get down at times, I tend to pre mourn future loved ones deaths. I have to just rip my thoughts away from that thinking and push them onto something else. Also, make a list of new things you've always wanted to do or challenges you want to conquer. I am sure you'll feel great when you've found a new (healthy) love in your life. (i.e. Mountain climbing, skiing, running a marathon, etc)

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My honest opinion, is that you can only be truly happy if you divorce and fall in love/start over with a new person, not your wife or the fOW.

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I believe that happiness has more to do with your frame of mind and less to do with your circumstances. I've seen very happy poor people and very unhappy rich people.

 

Since I can't think of a good reason to be unhappy, I choose to be happy. :D

 

This is true too.

 

Happiness can either be something that is out of your control and just happens to you or not, which is how it sounds like you have been living before; or, it can be something you choose. You choose to be happy (with full conviction)with what you have right in front of you, or what you are actively making happen.

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Hi Hopefortomorrow. For you to take the time to read my long post and reply thoroughly and thoughtfully, I have no doubt you have a lot to give to others. Thank you for your words and thoughts, and sharing your story helps.

 

First of all, sorry for all the pain that you went through with the MM. Yes I know you are right on many points. Even at this point, I try not to point happiness towards my relationship because I feel like it should come from me and I should make it happen.

 

I think you are feeling the muted/blunted emotions that come from losing someone who was important to you on some pretty deep levels. Now you are wondering - like I wondered at the time - whether you will ever have those feelings again. Whether you will just have to go through life feeling this horrible sense of 'nothingness', sort of. It's almost like you are talking yourself into believing you are happy with your life as it is now - like you are SUPPOSED to be happy, so what is wrong with you. Am I close?

 

Yip! I’m willing to accept and have accepted that my feelings for the OW is a rare unaccepted thing that shouldn’t have happened and will not happen again so I’m ok with that notion. I never had the illusion of wanting her or being with her. It just wasn’t possible so it never came to my mind.

 

Be glad that you did not meet this person, because I can tell you from experience that after that happened, things got ten thousand times more intense.

 

Totally agree. Gave her this speech. She wanted me to give her hopes, just a little something more, like meeting, good words. I refused. I said you know how much this situation is hurting. It will just make it even worst.

 

And maybe you're wondering if it was really not just that particular person, but the role she played in your life that you are mourning. And that's even harder to face because it means you have to fill that role in some other manner. That's scary because you don't know how to even begin to do that, and what if you are unhappy or just 'existing' forever... I know.

 

That’s it. I think it’s a trap thinking? What is missing, right?

 

What is happiness? People will say 'it comes from within', a phrase I used to hate, but it really does.

 

I agree and it’s why I blame myself for the lack of imagination of what can bring me happiness.

 

But it is also about the person you are with. That person. If you are not getting your needs met by your wife from an emotional point of view, then WORK ON THAT.

 

I don’t disagree. For someone like her, her first and only man, she never learned how to handle conflicts in a relationship and never had to until my EA. It was fine with me for a long time because we never had to argue. I’m the shoulders for her to cry on. I was the one that calm her when there are conflicts in life when sometimes I’m worry too. I’m tired and I never had supporting parents when I was growing up. I took care of myself. Then the OW gave me a taste of what it’s like for me to open up to someone without fear and I was hooked to let go of all my emotions. Yes, I agree though, work on it with the person you are married to. I think I can give her strength if I give her happiness and maybe in time, I will forget this whole awakening. I believe I really have to rely on myself though. Nothing against her, she’s doing the best she can and great in every aspect.

 

No relationships are magical. They take work, and if you were to be with OW someday down the road, believe me, that would take work too.

 

Right, I have no delusional thoughts of easy things in life.

 

Right now it's a little bit of the GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) kicking in, so keep that in mind. Your wife can't compete with that - no one can. But it doesn't mean you can't be happy with her.

 

That’s the problem. I don’t feel this way. I don’t see it’s greener elsewhere. It’s why it bothers me why I can’t be happy. I feel like I have more than others in many regards.

 

Happiness, to me, means I am content with myself. I live authentically. I enjoy every day. I feel alive. And, I have someone I love and desire both physically and emotionally in my life who I can wake up with every day, go to bed with every night, and share my dreams with for the rest of my life.

 

It’s interesting. I wonder if the latter part is essential in life. I suppose that being this is the LS, it’s something we all desire.

 

You will be fine with him. Two opinionated persons create lots of drama and excitement ;). Feeling safe. I can see your point there. Good luck and thanks for sharing your thoughts and story.

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I believe that happiness has more to do with your frame of mind and less to do with your circumstances. I've seen very happy poor people and very unhappy rich people.

 

Since I can't think of a good reason to be unhappy, I choose to be happy. :D

 

Yes, I agree totally. We can see this in people all around us. No reason to be unhappy, so be happy :). That's what my question is. I have no reason to be unhappy ;) but I'm not happy.

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I would not say I am happy, in fact I struggle with depression over losses. You have a loss (right or wrong). In other words I once went on a bunch of anti-depressants after my first marriage ended, they did not work. I asked my therapist - how come I am still sad? He said these meds are for people who are depressed for no reason, you have a reason.

 

I think I have a reason and like the other poster suggested, do I have depression? I can always find something for my moods but then I'm someone that always have come up with an answer.

 

A couple of thoughts that bring "moments" of happiness.

 

You mention seeing the gardener or a neighborhood kid being happy. I often find moments of happiness in others happiness.

 

I agree. It doesn't bring me happiness but it calms me and there's a sense of happiness for others. When I see my children or wife happy, I smile too.

 

You can't talk to your wife about your issues. Ya I get that ! You need a good therapist to talk too. Find one that will work with you and fits your ideal. This may also help you from seeking it from another woman.

 

Maybe I'm too much of someone that lives by the rule of taking care of things myself. I thought about IC or such but don't really see myself talking to a therapist. It's just me and I know it seems like everyone has a therapist these days. I don't feel it can help me.

 

Music and movies can relieve bring some happiness.

 

Yes bulk of my life in channeling my feelings and moods.

 

Exercise and activities (and volunteer) can bring some happiness.

 

Yes always on that. Not volunteer work yet. No time.

 

Lastly - a thought. Are we supposed to be "happy" all the time? Are the other things or feelings or thoughts that are also worthy to focus on ? Feeling respected? Feeling honorable? Feeling value? feeling you make a difference ? Feeling just okay? I say this because sometimes feeling sad or unhappy is self perpetuating you focus on that feeling and it just goes around and around...while shifting to other thoughts/feelings can help.

 

Yes I agree.

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2. Happiness DOES come from within. It doesn't come from an individual, a bottle, book or activity. If those things richen your life they will help. But being present in whatever you do and not looking back into the past or on into the future is the most important thing.

 

Yes, most definitely within but how to change our views is what I feel is needed. I like your point on not looking back and not looking into the future. Live the present. I did that only once in my life, while I was connected with the OW. Wow...it's ironic. Still, it can be applied in a more healthy way. I need that.

 

3. Acting happy can make you happy. Doing things to make others happy generates it's own joy. It's a virtuous circle.

 

Doing that.

 

5. Is there a possibility you are depressed? I fought against my diagnosis for a long long time. But accepting it made life better in the end.

 

I can say 100% "no" previous time, even a few months ago. In this state now, I ponder this question too. We will see if it's long term. Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

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I hate to hear you don't feel that you can talk to your wife about these feelings. Is that something you two could work on?

 

I don't know. I tried before when she recognized that I'm unhappy with something and ask what's wrong. If I share, she gets all down and negative. Recently she has more patience and try not to lean on me too much for everything and taking charge of some decisions on her own. It helps me more if she let me be. I can take care of myself, usually. What I don't need are "doom and gloom" which is how she is. I used to love being alone and do my work, excercise, or my interests. Recently I spend all my free time with her. I think it's getting better.

 

I have a tendency to get down at times, I tend to pre mourn future loved ones deaths.

 

That's interesting. Usually happens with children. I know a girl who was like that too. It must be hard to have that kind of sadness. I hope you will get better and better all the time. Let us know how you're doing. I like to hear.

 

I am sure you'll feel great when you've found a new (healthy) love in your life. (i.e. Mountain climbing, skiing, running a marathon, etc)

 

My life is not short of activities. I have lots of followers on the internet for what I do. What I do on the side is something I really love and would die without. I have people write to me and talk to me regularly. In fact, the EA was started by a big fan of mine. Before my EA, it was my drive to succeed in that. After the EA, I've isolated myself from my followers and friends to spend more time with my wife. I lost track of my regular routines and in the process, happiness too. I'm fine with the change because it's needed. My family needs me. Now I just need to redefine a lot of things.

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This is true too.

 

Happiness can either be something that is out of your control and just happens to you or not, which is how it sounds like you have been living before; or, it can be something you choose. You choose to be happy (with full conviction)with what you have right in front of you, or what you are actively making happen.

 

Yes true too. Often it's complex and we can say it and it's clear but the how is the key ☺️. As for leaving my M. The Ow exhausted her reasoning to convince me. I just don't see a reason to. She said: you need passion in your life and who you are excited to be with. I didn't disagree, just life is more then just about that person. When you have a long marriage, you can't expect that kind of things. Love runs deeper than passion and excitement. My wife will change my diapers one day and I will do hers. That's how I see things. I told her, besides I have lots of interest on the side and I'm fine even if I'm alone. Life is not just about relationship.

 

Thanks. I always appreciate your reply.

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1. Happiness is not a permanent state. It comes and goes like clouds.

 

This is so true. Happiness is just an emotion, and emotions but their very nature are transient and changeable. Is it realistic to expect to feel predominantly one emotion, or to appreciate the ebb and flow of everything you feel?

 

My therapist once told me that the bulk of his clientele are thirty and forty-somethings who have spent their lives accumulating and doing the things they had been trained to believe would make them 'happy'. Right college, right degree, right career, right spouse and two-point something children, right house in the right suburb, right car, right investments....

 

And yet they find themselves on his couch lamenting what's wrong with them. Their life is so right, and yet they don't feel the anticipated happiness at achieving this state. And they're confused as to why that is. Is there something wrong with them? Are they hopelessly selfish that they should expect something and need something more to feel happy? And incidentally, quite a few fall for infidelity as a false antidote to this ennui.

 

Aristotle wrote of the pursuit of Eudaimonia; which is often misinterpreted as happiness. It is more accurately translated as a virtuous life, well lived. To me this is where many of us go awry; by seeking what we believe will make us happy without truly thinking about what we value and brings real meaning to our lives. It's the latter that brings true fulfilment.

 

I read a book about a UN lawyer who prosecuted a genocide case. Part of that process was trolling through mass graves filled with decomposing bodies to gather evidence, all while dealing with hostile local authorities and danger. He at times drank too much, and at one stage despaired so badly he wrote we wondered what he would have done if his hotel window had been able to be opened. But he won; THAT case anyway. And it was worth it. Was he consistently what we would define as happy? No. But his life overall had great satisfaction and meaning because he was focusing on what he truly valued.

 

Extreme example I know, but relevant. What do you value? And is there enough of it in your life?

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Yes, I agree totally. We can see this in people all around us. No reason to be unhappy, so be happy :). That's what my question is. I have no reason to be unhappy ;) but I'm not happy.

 

Could it be that you're trying to fill a hole in your heart and you haven't found the correct "puzzle" piece? We try to fill that strange shaped piece with love. Maybe we tell ourselves we just didn't find the right person? We look for happiness in people...but no, that's not it...next we try material things, we buy houses, try cars, better looking clothes....no, that doesn't fit....perhaps we continue our education because we believe happiness comes from achievement....but no, still it doesn't fit the hole.

 

Can it be that you need something deeper, like faith? Maybe God is that puzzle piece and you can start a journey of discovering who that Spirit is?

 

Happiness is fleeting, but true joy cannot be destroyed. I believe that's how people who have suffered greatly, even tortured, can still have peace. Or people who don't have a penny to their name can still be happy. They trust in a higher power.

 

I know this might not be a subject for a relationship forum, but you asked what makes us happy and I took a shot.

 

My faith (I'm Christian), teaches me about a God who sent His Son to be a sacrifice for my debt, for my wrong doings, so that after I repent, I can be able to stand before a Holy God, blameless. Not because of my actions, but His. Christ's love on the cross is for all peoples. This kind of love trumps any other kind of love found in things.

 

Knowing that there is so much more to life than this world, I can find happiness even while in sorrow.

 

Maybe if you don't have a faith, you can research them all and put them to the test and see which remains true to you?

 

Hope this helps and I wish you well on your quest to happiness. :)

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HopeForTomorrow
I never had the illusion of wanting her or being with her. It just wasn’t possible so it never came to my mind.

 

Seriously? Do men really think like this? How? I mean... because you know you can't have her, you never wanted her or wanted to be with her? How does that work?

 

Sorry. I'm not trying to pick your brain, but it's interesting. I feel a little like I'm back in college dissecting a cadaver (really - no offense meant at all).

 

Totally agree. Gave her this speech. She wanted me to give her hopes, just a little something more, like meeting, good words. I refused. I said you know how much this situation is hurting. It will just make it even worst.

 

Did you WANT to meet her? Or were you just using logic?

 

I agree and it’s why I blame myself for the lack of imagination of what can bring me happiness.

 

I don't think you should have to use creative imagination to be happy. I don't think it works like that.

 

Let me ask you these 2 questions:

 

1) Did you feel this way BEFORE you met and broke up with OW? Or were you happy before? Are you less happy now? Because maybe it's due to raising of the bar. You know - your level of happiness went up when you were with OW, and now you're back at the old baseline but it no longer works for you.

 

2) Did you ever think that maybe you just aren't married to the right person, and it's as simple as that?

 

Okay, that was more than two questions, but at least I itemized them.

 

It’s interesting. I wonder if the latter part is essential in life. I suppose that being this is the LS, it’s something we all desire.

 

Waking up with someone, going to bed with them, sharing dreams? We are social creatures. We crave love and touch and intimacy. So yes, it's essential. For most people, anyway.

 

Two opinionated persons create lots of drama and excitement

 

Umm. Yup....

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SolG, great post. I've reflected on this concept as well. Problem is, once it's set, it's hard to change. Take for example the concept of marriage. I have to admit, divorce is not something in my vocabulary. I was trained by culture, society, and those around me that it's a failure, breakdown, weak, ect. Of course I understand the contrary. I'm not in the position to consider that but just using that as an example. Then oddly enough, I never valued money like those around me. Figure that one out.

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Could it be that you're trying to fill a hole in your heart and you haven't found the correct "puzzle" piece?

 

The romantic side of me believes this. Then it's too abstract and unattainable in a sense that it's not from within that can be reached and that life itself is more than just that missing piece. We tell ourself we must do things that are fulfilling, rewarding, and in turn makes us happy. Having a person to share it with certainly is an important part.

 

Can it be that you need something deeper, like faith? Maybe God is that puzzle piece and you can start a journey of discovering who that Spirit is?

 

I don't doubt that people with a strong faith has an advantage. It's God that we can lean on. There are so much comfort in faith. Unfortuntately, I will be the last person on this planet that can be converted. However, I won't robe that from those that I love because I know it brings a lot. It will never happen to me.

 

Happiness is fleeting, but true joy cannot be destroyed. I believe that's how people who have suffered greatly, even tortured, can still have peace. Or people who don't have a penny to their name can still be happy. They trust in a higher power.

 

Comforting thought but higher power can't comfort me. However history tells us that humanity needed faith in a higher power to move forward in the past. You made good points.

 

Hope this helps and I wish you well on your quest to happiness. :)

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A glass of wine and a talk with an old friend. Nothing compares to this, really. Everything else is irrelevant: where you are, how your house looks like... how you look like. But those brief moments of exchange when your souls interact... it's like the angels singing. Soothing. Makes life worth living again :).

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A glass of wine and a talk with an old friend. Nothing compares to this, really. Everything else is irrelevant: where you are, how your house looks like... how you look like. But those brief moments of exchange when your souls interact... it's like the angels singing. Soothing. Makes life worth living again :).

 

lol, I can imagine that bringing some joy with the right wine and right company ;).

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I know what you mean when you feel like you've lost the meaning of happiness, but like others say I feel it is ever changing and not always a constant state of mind, if it is then you should seek help with a therapist.

 

Happiness to me is snuggling up with my cat and a good TV show, doing crafts with my kids, spending time with great friends, going on an invigorating hike, volunteering my time, I could go on and on...

 

Notice how none of that included a romantic partner, not saying it's everyone's cup of tea, but I have found my happiness in other ways that don't necessarily rely on that ONE person for.

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Happiness to me is snuggling up with my cat and a good TV show, doing crafts with my kids, spending time with great friends, going on an invigorating hike, volunteering my time, I could go on and on...

 

Notice how none of that included a romantic partner, not saying it's everyone's cup of tea, but I have found my happiness in other ways that don't necessarily rely on that ONE person for.

 

I love that and certainly can relate. Good for you. Oh the good ole days of coming home after school to catch tv shows or or hanging out chatting with families. Happiness was simply looking forward to the next movie, eating a delicious meal. Why things get complicated.

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