Jump to content

Am I just Stupid ???


Recommended Posts

I am new to this board and I would sincerely appreciate any advice on my particular situation. Both my wife and I are 49years old, been married for 28 years and have been sexless for the past two years and have been intimate only three times in the past 5 years. We really don't argue, don't really communicate and live primarily as roommates. All three kids are grown and our marriage is in a slow death.

 

 

I confronted my wife last month as I have noticed that she has spent over 4,100 cell phone minutes talking to a particular male colleague over the last eleven months and most of these phone calls were placed outside of normal business hours. Although my wife and her friend don't work together and don't share patients together, my wife assured me that almost all ofher phone conversations were discussions about their work. My wife stated not to worry as her friend was "gay" and there is no way that she is having any sexual contact with him. I told my wife that although she was not involved in a sexual relationship with her colleague, that she was involved in an emotional affair with him. It appears that since we are not communicating at any level as husband and wife, then my wife is apparently seeking an emotional contact with this other man. My wife refuses to admit that she is doing anything wrong, but she has agreed to stop talking to her friend for now and seek family counseling. I told my wife that if she believes that she didn't cross the line with her colleague, then marriage counseling won't work as I believe that she will eventually go back to her friend or another man for emotional support.

 

 

Question- Is my wife really only discussing work or am I just stupid and naïve about life ?

 

 

BTW, both my wife and her friend are psychologist (PHD) and they themselves also provide family counseling which leads me to believe thatthey of all people should of know better.

Edited by edopits
Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all, try to find out whether her colleague really IS gay. That sounds like an easy cop-out or ply to throw you off the scent.

 

Secondly, remember the adage "Physician, heal thyself"...?

It is not unusual to find those least likely to be the most typical....

 

Your wife is what's known as 'gaslighting' you.

Attempting to convince you you're imagining things, and that really, your suspicions are groundless and your concerns unfounded.

 

Insist on counselling.

Remember this though:

Counselling is not necessarily a tool designed to keep you together.

It is however, an excellent medium for frank and uninhibited discussion in the presence of someone who can evince honesty and clarity by probing and prompting you both to be clear and honest in your inputs.

It levels the playing field, and makes things easier to say.....

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Her affair partner wouldn't have been around for thousands of minutes in calls if there was no incentive for him to stay around. Yes, you're being naive here. Sorry this is happening to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just curious as to why you and your wife are no longer physical and or in a loving relationship with each other? I typically as very much PRO save the marriage however, you two sound as though neither one is interested in addressing the issue at hand. She very likely is involved in an EA however, I believe that everyone needs that connection and wonder if you and she can address this with an objective third party to help bridge the gap.

 

If there is no interest, why stay?

 

No judgement just looking for insight....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Naturally I am staying in this marriage as I made a commitmentto my wife and I truly love my wife. She is a fantastic mother but a cold-frigid wife.

 

 

Regarding the sexless portion of our marriage. My wife has always had difficulty in expressing herself in a sexual manner. Even on our honeymoon, my wife got ****-faced drunk, lied in bed with her legs open and just said, "do me, you got 15 minutes"! Currently, in my opinion, my wife is repulsed with any idea of any sexual contact. She confided in me last week that her best sex was with an old boyfriend called Todd who she was dating about the same time we began dating, so apparently she once enjoyed sex, but not anymore.

Edited by edopits
Link to post
Share on other sites

Even on ourhoneymoon, my wife got ****-faced drunk, lied in bed with her legs opne andjust said, "do me, you got 15 minutes"!

 

I do not have the words for this.

 

 

And why do you feel loyalty to her after 5 years of sexless marriage with no communication or affection??

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's counselling others on their relationships and interactions with others as well as getting in touch with their feelings???????

 

How does that work?

 

How does that make for a steady career?

 

I have heard that some of the most f___ked up people are psychologists as they spend all their time with the like. Trust me, I am not trying to knock your wife, just curious as to how this works for you or for anyone paying her for advice / counsel.

Link to post
Share on other sites
She's counselling others on their relationships and interactions with others as well as getting in touch with their feelings???????

 

How does that work?

 

How does that make for a steady career?

 

I have heard that some of the most f___ked up people are psychologists as they spend all their time with the like. Trust me, I am not trying to knock your wife, just curious as to how this works for you or for anyone paying her for advice / counsel.

 

Many people on this forum seem to recommend getting counselling as the solution for whatever problem someone has. I suggest that everyone either thinking of going for counselling, or recommending it, should read this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How many of those phone hours can be discussing work when it's not ethical to discuss patients (whether they have any in common or not)?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I sincerely hope she is up to counseling.

I currently pay over $ 1000 each month for medical insurance which also covers counseling. I gave my wife a list ofover 100 professionals two weeks ago we can see through my insurance plan. My wife had to screen the list of providers in order not to pick out someone she knows. But as of yet, she has only came up with one name who is not even covered by my insurance plan.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me ask...if she was like this (cold and frigid), why on earth did you marry her?

 

I don't mean to sound unkind ...but could it be that she doesn't like sex with you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Because I loved her and I thought we would have the perfect marriage.

 

 

Presently I believe that she is "burnt-out" atwork and she takes it out on me.

and yes, she obviously doesn't want any contact with me

As crazy as it sounds, I'd just wish that she would find "Mr. Right"

for awhile behind my back, f*** his brains-out and get back to our marriage.

Edited by edopits
Link to post
Share on other sites
Because I loved her and I thought we would have the perfect marriage.

 

 

Presently I believe that she is "burnt-out" atwork and she takes it out on me.

and yes, she obviously doesn't want any contact with me

As crazy as it sounds, I'd just wish that she would find "Mr. Right"

for awhile behind my back, f*** his brains-out and get back to our marriage.

 

Afraid it just doesn't work that way. If she found Mr Right and f'd his brains out, she wouldn't come back to the marriage. she would treat you even worse than she is now.

 

 

I'm not trying to be mean or put you down or rub salt in your wounds, but I agree with the others - you have been naïve and have had blinders on.

 

 

Your wife was never a woman of passion or intimacy and has likely never been into you and married you for reasons other than love and desire. She has at bare minimum been having a long term, ongoing emotional affair and has likely been having a physical affair as well right under your nose and hasn't really even put in much effort to keep it a secret from you.

 

 

She has been very disrespectful and dismissive to you and rubbing it in about "Todd" is downright cruel.

 

 

Counseling and therapy are basically processes that open up channels of communication so that couples can express themselves and express their wants and needs as well as their boundaries and limits. A good counselor/therapist can also point out things about your partner and about yourself that you may be over looking and can offer ways to treat each other better.

 

 

Counseling/therapy however do not change crummy people into good people. Counseling does not make someone that does not love into someone that does love. Therapy does turn someone that does not respect or value you into someone that does. And finally counseling does not take someone that is a cold fish and a dud in bed and turn them into a hot, passionate lover.

 

 

Due to her background, training and experience, she is likely a master manipulator and will be able to double-talk her way through anything with a counselor/therapist.

 

 

If she wanted to have a warm, close, intimate and passionate relationship with you, she would. But it's obvious she doesn't. IMHO the quickest, easiest and most efficient way to achieve a warm, close relationship with someone that desires you and treats you well, is to dump this baggage as fast as you can and find someone else. Cut your losses and run.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Because I loved her and I thought we would have the perfect marriage.

 

 

Presently I believe that she is "burnt-out" atwork and she takes it out on me.

and yes, she obviously doesn't want any contact with me

As crazy as it sounds, I'd just wish that she would find "Mr. Right"

for awhile behind my back, f*** his brains-out and get back to our marriage.

 

Well, she certainly has you where she wants you, right? I don't think she's the only screwed up person in this arrangement. To answer your question, yeah, you're kind of stupid - using your word.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wouldn't jump to conclusions, maybe he really is gay. Maybe she needed someone to talk to that would relate and understand her. Would you say your relationship was the kind where she considered you her best friend and could talk with you about everything? What is she wanting? Be that for her. If she has been cheating though, I wish you the very best. It's only your decision whether or not to stay. Perhaps a separation might do you well. Clear your head.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Because I loved her and I thought we would have the perfect marriage.

 

 

Presently I believe that she is "burnt-out" atwork and she takes it out on me.

and yes, she obviously doesn't want any contact with me

As crazy as it sounds, I'd just wish that she would find "Mr. Right"

for awhile behind my back, f*** his brains-out and get back to our marriage.

 

 

So the lack of good sex and passion wasn't an issue for you then?

 

I'm unsure how you thought you'd have the perfect marriage when she never enjoyed sex with you......or is sex not important to you?

She had passion with Todd....and you probably a safe and reliable partner for her. A good husband and father.......

 

If she enjoys the sex with Mr. Right that much she won't come back to you....or perhaps she'd want an open marriage.

 

Now it looks like she has her emotional needs met with another man and if she's not into sex..you don't satisfy that need either.

 

So it comes down to you being a good roomie.

Regardless of actual intercourse..are you physically close? Do you embrace or kiss or anything at all like that?

 

Are you happy to remain in a sexless marriage for the next 30/40 years?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I thank everyone for your replies....

 

 

My wife has always been very frigid / cold when it involves any type of intimacy and unfortunately the little affection she has shown me over the years has dwindled down into a sexless marriage. She has given me a million excuses over the years for her lack of intimacy with me.

But I still love her and I really hope it works out.

Edited by edopits
Link to post
Share on other sites
Many people on this forum seem to recommend getting counselling as the solution for whatever problem someone has. I suggest that everyone either thinking of going for counselling, or recommending it, should read this.

 

Not always, but a few times, I have recommended counseling to others, when the matter involved distorted or unhealthy thinking/feelings that need to be addressed.

 

In reference to what the other poster noted

"I have heard that some of the most f___ked up people are psychologists"

 

Does it matter what kind of people psychologists are in their own personal lives? If a psychologist can help you identify/clarify your thoughts and issues and can guide you to make healthy decisions for yourself, then that's all that matters as far as you are concerned. If you hire someone to take care of your garden, do you care about what his own garden looks like, so long as he provides a good service for your garden?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello and welcome to this board-

To answer your question, "are you naïve ?", well let me be nice and say "nothing" !!! I have been married to a wonderful husband for 32 years and have had a wonderful life with him. We have also been blessed with my material things over the years and live very comfortably in Manhattan and I hope you don't take my opinion in a negative way, but rather in a constructive manner.

 

 

If your --very educated psychologist wife-- of 28 years has not provided you with any"contact" over the last five years and she seeks "contact" from other men, and even of these contact are only "friendship contacts", then obviously one of the following applies to your situation-

 

 

Your wife has a serious medical condition she hasn't told you about;

 

 

Or your wife has a serious issue she hasn't told you about;

 

 

Your wife is not into you anymore;

 

 

Your wife is not into anyone anymore;

 

 

or your wife is into everyone except for you ?

 

 

In either case, your marriage needs help. As a psychologist, I'd figure she wouldsee that there was a serious problem in your relationship and she would of hadinitiated counseling a long time age, but that's just my opinion.

One question to you, why are you still married ?

Good Luck

Edited by xu96cv1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I thank everyone for your replies....

 

 

My wife has always been very frigid / cold when it involves any type of intimacy and unfortunately the little affection she has shown me over the years has dwindled down into a sexless marriage. She has given me a million excuses over the years for her lack of intimacy with me.

But I still love her and I really hope it works out.

 

So the sex has always been bad and in your first post you say you live as roommates and have little communication. I have to ask, why are you trying so hard to hold onto this dead marriage? Don't say it's because you love her. Dig deeper and really think about what is holding you back. I suspect it's mostly fear, not love, that is making you reluctant to make changes. You must be very afraid to face the future without your wife if you would be happy for her to f$$k her brains out with some other guy but remain married to you.

 

I'm not saying you should run out and file for divorce today. I'm saying that you should want a lot more from your marriage then you have been getting and that you need to be willing to walk away from it if you and your wife can't build a relationship with each other that is rewarding and healthy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...