Stuck in dead-end marriage + Unsure of next steps

[Dallasgirl]

I am 35 and my husband & I had an arranged marriage 3 yrs ago but it has been in trouble since day 1 due to multiple issues - we have never had sex, lack of libido and also ED on DH's part, money problems, his clinical depression, inlaws etc.

 

I moved from india to the u.s where he works. Now that we are hitting the 3 yr mark, our problems remain unfixed despite interventions by therapists and docs (he absolutely hates counselling). i am fed up with my life in the marriage, and i think the best thing to do is to call it quits. I am deadly afraid of having kids with him because i fear being locked-in for life in a sexless marriage.

 

During the 3 yr period i tried finding a job but was unable to due to the serious turbulence in my personal life and due to immigration issues. I am currently on a short solo vacation with my family outside the u.s and have been considering not returning to the u.s and instead filing for divorce. But as timing wld have it i just got an interview call for a decent job. i always hoped to find a job in the u.s just so i could navigate my divorce easier and to cushion the blow instead of having to face nosy questions from relatives back home.

 

But for some reason i am simply unable to make up my mind about booking that ticket to the u.s. my greatest fear in returning, even if it is to attend the interviews, is that

-living with him in close proximity, tends to leave my deeply conflicted about divorce option - partly becos he's an otherwise ok guy to live with - like a good roomie- just not husband/father material. being in an extended period of limbo causes me to slip into a depressive state and then feel hopeless abt my life. it's as if i have chains i cannot break free from. i tend to feel as though i cannot live with the marriage nor without it. living in an unhealthy marriage does quite a number on my head.

- i harbour a guilt in leaving him due to cultural patterning that makes me feel like a bad person in leaving a sexless marriage

- I dont feel very sure if i will be happy living alone in the u.s although i have done that many years ago as a single girl. what if the loneliness is crippling ?

- even if i decide to leave, i feel terribly awkward in breaking up in person. and i risk continuing the marriage just being unable to speak up.

 

The interview process may take 2 weeks and i have no other place to go in my city except the house i share with him. once i have an offer on hand i plan to ask for a divorce, and move out. but then i will have the challenge of finding an apt and car on my own.

 

What i need help in understanding is

- is the divorce decision this complicated and do other ppl find it this hard ? i feel i am coming apart completely and simply unable to decide.

- should i just drop any plans of finding a u.s job and take the safer route of calling it quits while i am in india ?

- is there a benefit in actually considering that u.s job and living with him

 

any perspectives will be helpful.

[casey.lives]

In a western country, with lot's of support for women in these situation, you are making a mountain out of mole hill. If you want pitiful attention - again- then whatever.. There's no such thing as being stuck. you are where you want to be.

[Dallasgirl]

i can assure you it's not some cry for attention. Often times a person in a difficult situation lacks the objectivity to see the path ahead. to each his own.

 

i tried therapists and the lot but either i havent met good ones or i am missing a chip somewhere. i simply have not found the courage to resolve my problem.

it does feel like an unsurmountable mountain - maybe made worse because i have no one to discuss this with.

 

first off i wanted to know from other women - if it is normal to feel this conflicted abt leaving a sexless marriage. surely if the marriage had physical violence then no doubt my decision wld be easy.

 

it's either my depression talking or the fear of being thisclose to divorce -

[sandylee1]

There are a number of people who have a similar dilemma whether they live in the western world or not...so you are not alone.

 

Assuming you get the job and leave....do you have enough money to support yourself?

 

Are you saying your husband was a Virgin when you met ?

I'm guessing your H is a similar age...that's quite unusual. Did he live in the US before you came there or was he born there?

 

Do your family know what the marriage is like?

 

Are you sure your husband isn't seeing anyone else ?

[anika99]

If it were me I would want to stay where I felt most secure and supported during the separation and divorce so I would probably choose to remain in my home country. A job interview isn't a guarantee that you will get the job and even if you get the job what if it's not all that it's cracked up to be? I think I would want the support of my friends and family during the stress of a divorce rather than take a risk on an unknown. But then again I'm not generally a risk taker. Everyone is different.

 

Sex is an important part of marital intimacy. If you have never had that then I totally understand your desire to divorce. You deserve to be married to someone who loves you madly and lustfully. I don't know what the other poster is talking about there being so much support for western women. People in the west get divorced all of the time so nobody will judge you but if you don't already have a network of support in place in the US then you will have to go through it alone.

[Dallasgirl]

Thanks for the reply. i know that my problem may not be as complex as some of the others' in this forum -involving divorce with kids, or domestic violence maybe. i can empathise with that - but the fact of the matter is i feel lost with the choices in front of me. not sure which choice will make things worse. leaving or staying. if staying, then how long ? months and years of being in this unhappy marriage has caused my mind to spin in circles with a feeling of learned helplessness.

 

now to answer your queries.

 

Assuming you get the job and leave....do you have enough money to support yourself? Yes. Atleast enough to see my through 2 months including rent and living expenses.

 

Are you saying your husband was a Virgin when you met ?Yes.

 

I'm guessing your H is a similar age...that's quite unusual. Did he live in the US before you came there or was he born there? Yes, he did live in the u.s for over 10 years before we even married. whatever dysfunction is it, it's a medical mystery. supposedly a hormonal imbalance but even medication has not had the desired effect.

 

Do your family know what the marriage is like?

yes - they are ok with my leaving - but i dont have a solid support group becos my family is very small - just my dad and i.

 

Are you sure your husband isn't seeing anyone else ? yes - sure. he's also not gay.

 

There are a number of people who have a similar dilemma whether they live in the western world or not...so you are not alone.

 

Assuming you get the job and leave....do you have enough money to support yourself?

 

Are you saying your husband was a Virgin when you met ?

I'm guessing your H is a similar age...that's quite unusual. Did he live in the US before you came there or was he born there?

 

Do your family know what the marriage is like?

 

Are you sure your husband isn't seeing anyone else ?

[Dallasgirl]

Thanks anika99. I suppose i have my own depression to deal with. You're right - i do feel a bit safer in my home country, atleast i wont be living on my own. but then the many 'what ifs' come to my mind - what if after i file for divorce, i come to regret it given the limited dating pool in my age group. irrational fears maybe. will the distance prove to be a deterrent should DH improve things on his side ? The answers are so easy if there's a lot of hate and anger between warring spouses. but neither of us hate each other. i just aspire for a better life and my marriage didnt live to my hopes in that regard. indeed, it's unconsummated and i feel terrible for not having an important life experience that a good marriage can give.

 

i've come to realize that my fear of ending up confused and going in circles once again by living with him stem from my guilt . i can identify a few reasons why i want to leave him - i aspire for a better life, lack of attraction, lack of sex - but just the fact that i'm going to be leaving a guy who is otherwise a nice person, and probably a good husband if other important aspects had worked out, makes me feel terrible.

 

If it were me I would want to stay where I felt most secure and supported during the separation and divorce so I would probably choose to remain in my home country. A job interview isn't a guarantee that you will get the job and even if you get the job what if it's not all that it's cracked up to be? I think I would want the support of my friends and family during the stress of a divorce rather than take a risk on an unknown. But then again I'm not generally a risk taker. Everyone is different.

 

Sex is an important part of marital intimacy. If you have never had that then I totally understand your desire to divorce. You deserve to be married to someone who loves you madly and lustfully. I don't know what the other poster is talking about there being so much support for western women. People in the west get divorced all of the time so nobody will judge you but if you don't already have a network of support in place in the US then you will have to go through it alone.

Edited November 16, 2015 by Dallasgirl

[sandylee1]

Thanks for the reply. i know that my problem may not be as complex as some of the others' in this forum -involving divorce with kids, or domestic violence maybe. i can empathise with that - but the fact of the matter is i feel lost with the choices in front of me. not sure which choice will make things worse. leaving or staying. if staying, then how long ? months and years of being in this unhappy marriage has caused my mind to spin in circles with a feeling of learned helplessness.

 

now to answer your queries.

 

Assuming you get the job and leave....do you have enough money to support yourself? Yes. Atleast enough to see my through 2 months including rent and living expenses.

 

Are you saying your husband was a Virgin when you met ?Yes.

 

I'm guessing your H is a similar age...that's quite unusual. Did he live in the US before you came there or was he born there? Yes, he did live in the u.s for over 10 years before we even married. whatever dysfunction is it, it's a medical mystery. supposedly a hormonal imbalance but even medication has not had the desired effect.

 

Do your family know what the marriage is like?

yes - they are ok with my leaving - but i dont have a solid support group becos my family is very small - just my dad and i.

 

Are you sure your husband isn't seeing anyone else ? yes - sure. he's also not gay.

 

Thanks.

 

Maybe try and save a bit more money.

Speak to your H and tell him you want a divorce......this is no marriage at all. You are giving up having intimacy and children and time is ticking along.

 

Think of which area you prefer to live in. The US or with family. Don't let life pass you by in this strange situation.

 

If he refuses to get help for his rare condition...then you can't help him. I

 

It's one thing being a Virgin at 30 +, but then to still be one after 3 years of marriage! It's crazy .

 

Even though there's no sex..do you have intimacy in other ways? Hold each other..cuddle..kiss...hug? Anything at all?

[Mr. Lucky]

i can identify a few reasons why i want to leave him - i aspire for a better life, lack of attraction, lack of sex - but just the fact that i'm going to be leaving a guy who is otherwise a nice person, and probably a good husband if other important aspects had worked out, makes me feel terrible.

 

Have you been upfront and open with your husband about your feelings?

 

I have a hard time believing he'd want to continue much longer in a "roommate" marriage with no sex or intimacy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dallasgirl]

Sandylee

 

Thanks for your response. He is a bit passive, while he is not indicating any signs of intitating divorce, he won't stop me from leaving either. When we talk abt our life like this, he gets angry but mostly because he feels blamed. But nothing can be done - the truth is it is an issue that he shld have diagnosed & fixed before marriage. But becos it has been diagnosed after the wedding, he changes the narrative to make it sound like I "inflicted" this upon him in some way thru my negativity. We are also done with therapy. He has no faith in it & drops out after a cpl of sittings. I end up going but I am fed up of the advice to be patient because 3 yrs is a long enough time.

 

Yes he is aware that I am seriously considering divorce and he appears to be OK with it. He prefers divorce over the constant fights abt this issue & having to work on this becos it is proving to be a lot of work - lifestyle changes, dietary changes, therapy etc. He thinks sexual intimacy will happen with time and when it has to. Its either me waiting quietly without making noise or leaving.

 

 

Intimacy otherwise :he does not appear comfortable with casual petting. Hugging and the like. He dislikes such "childish displays of affection" as he calls it & says we need to act more mature. (!!). I am put off by such an attitude. He has never been romantic in the man/woman sense. That whole dynamic is missing. He is however thoughtful in sharing in household work, running errands & generally running the home.

 

Tbh, I don't feel too good abt having children in this marriage, as I fear it might lock me in. And yes clock is ticking.

 

I do take responsibility for sometimes expressing my anger at the situation. But to blame me for his issues is inexcusable & is like being in denial.

 

 

 

Thanks.

 

 

 

Maybe try and save a bit more money.

Speak to your H and tell him you want a divorce......this is no marriage at all. You are giving up having intimacy and children and time is ticking along.

 

Think of which area you prefer to live in. The US or with family. Don't let life pass you by in this strange situation.

 

If he refuses to get help for his rare condition...then you can't help him. I

 

It's one thing being a Virgin at 30 +, but then to still be one after 3 years of marriage! It's crazy .

 

Even though there's no sex..do you have intimacy in other ways? Hold each other..cuddle..kiss...hug? Anything at all?

[blackcat777]

If you are unhappy and stuck in a situation that's eating your soul, you need to do whatever it takes, listen to that voice inside, stay strong and do something to change.

 

If you really feel like you've done all you can do and you need to call it quits, call it quits.

 

If you think you can bear waiting out an uncertain interview process, do it. If it's too unreliable, you won't have a place to stay or a way to get to a new job even if you do get the position, it might be better to go back with family.

 

It's never easy rebuilding your life.

 

I was in a dead bedroom cohabitation situation for four years. Thank god we never married... and getting out of that situation was a nightmare. I moved back home with family... and unfortunately, I'm still living there (work in progress). I've been really broke, but I am free, I am happy, and I happened to meet a really incredible man who rocks my world. When it was all over, I felt an intense anger--at myself, for having wasted so many years of my life in a pointless situation.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is... never sacrifice your happiness. You can't live your life to please other people, which includes staying in an arranged marriage to please family. I'm not one to jump at the suggestion of divorce, but this sounds like a broken situation. Because you don't have children yet, it's much better to leave before that complication. And it sounds like adding children to the situation would not be a good thing.

[MJJean]

Marriage is, by it's nature, a sexual relationship. You and your legal husband do not have a marriage other than on paper. Isn't it time the paperwork reflect reality?

[MapleLeafMama]

I joined this site just to reply to you.

 

I'm in an 18-year sexless marriage. On average, we would have sex a few times every 1.5 - 2 years. That's it. It's not an exaggeration.

 

Like you, DallasGirl, I thought there must be something wrong with me to want to leave a marriage like this -- my spouse is a nice man, there's no abuse, we don't fight.

 

A few years ago I reached a breaking point and realized I could not stay in this marriage the way it is for the rest of my life. I was deeply depressed and for the first time in my life, feeling as if there was no way out, considered -- albeit briefly -- suicide.

 

I also brought up my concerns about the severe lack of intimacy in our marriage and asked him for help. 3 years ago he said, "we can fix this."

 

And that was it. He did nothing. And myself? In frustration and mounting anger realized this marriage had reached a dead end long ago; it was on life support because I allowed it to be.

 

At that point, I sought counseling and have recently discussed separation with the spouse. Who, interestingly, when I talked of what has been happening/not happening over the last few years, he said, "I thought it would get better."

 

He *thought* it would get better, but he *did* nothing. There were no actions... and I had given up, so none on my part either.

 

Example? Wedding anniversary, which I have always dreaded, arrived. He said, "oh, I was going to get you a card, but was busy." I said, "that's okay, you didn't get one last year, so I assumed we were no longer doing cards." He said, "but I'd still like to celebrate by going out for dinner." My response,"if that's what you'd like to do, then please arrange it." Guess what? It never happened. And I'm definitely okay with it that.

 

He is passive. It won't get better unless both people in a marriage want it to get better and work towards a solution.

 

In a sexless marriage you have a couple options:

 

1. Stay and tolerate it (though, if you ask me, tolerating is harder with each year that passes),

2. Divorce.

 

It may be hard at this point in time to be the bad guy (although your spouse seems okay with divorce as an option -- which seems like a flashing neon sign to leave, if you ask me), but you will get through this.

[ricky_Mumbai]

I am going through divorce myself for some of the same reasons you mentioned. As much as its needed, looking at your situation, my suggestion is for you to try to make it work.

 

Have you tried counselling? May be that helps and he understands he needs to spend time with you ?