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I feel like I'm trapped


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Hello all. I am dealing with an issue that I'd like your opinions on. I'm married to a very caring man. We've been married for four years. Slowly over time I feel that I've lost all my independence. He runs the finances, he has a car, I dont (from an accident I had), we live 20 miles from town, he works, I stay at home. He's really good to me and I love our home and where we live, but I feel a bit trapped. I'd like to get a job in town but he doesn't want me to. I've asked about going back to school and taking online courses, but he says we can't afford it. He's the only person I ever see. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.

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I'm married to a very caring man.

 

Doesn't meet my definition of caring.

 

Someone with your best interests at heart wouldn't want you to be isolated, unfulfilled and cut off from the world. Your husband sounds manipulative and borderline abusive.

 

Do you have a friend, family member or church official you can talk to about your situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Anyone who is happy for you to be isolated is not caring. Can you get an evening job when he's home and use his car.

 

Do you have family in the area?

Is there any public transport?

 

Do you have any access to money at all? There are some cheaper online courses that you could do depending on your interests and that could open more doors for you.

 

Try making friends if you have any local groups in your area. There are online friendship communities as well.

 

Do you have any skills or qualifications?

Didn't you get any money from the insurance for another car?

 

You certainly will go crazy and more if there are no changes.

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Hello all. I am dealing with an issue that I'd like your opinions on. I'm married to a very caring man. We've been married for four years. Slowly over time I feel that I've lost all my independence. He runs the finances, he has a car, I dont (from an accident I had), we live 20 miles from town, he works, I stay at home. He's really good to me and I love our home and where we live, but I feel a bit trapped. I'd like to get a job in town but he doesn't want me to. I've asked about going back to school and taking online courses, but he says we can't afford it. He's the only person I ever see. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

Bagheera,

 

He may REALLY feel that he is doing the best for you... giving you "freedom" by not letting you have a job, drive or got to school.... having a ton of free time to yourself.

 

You need a serious talk with him, and perhaps get a counselor. You NEED to keep your mind active, have personal goals, accomplishments, people you meet and relate to, etc.

 

If you stay like you are you WILL go crazy, and worse, take up drinking, drugs, other men or something to get you going. I've seen it many times (and actually experienced it once).

 

There's a TON of things you can do that cost very little or nothing.

 

But, because it sounds like money is tight, get a job.... ride in with him. That would be a great way to spend time together, have some accomplishments and bring a few dollars back to the household.

 

Also, you NEED to be financially savvy, regardless of who pays the bills. You need that just in case he becomes incapacitated or ill.

 

And, another thing that will help overall, is a reasonable exercise program, preferably something you enjoy with him. Works wonders.

 

Good luck

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Thanks for your responses. My husband forgot to pay the insurance on my car (I didn't know) and so I just don't have a car anymore. We live pretty far from town and we don't have any close neighbors either. The best I could do is ride by bike into town, which might take two hours. He doesn't feel that's safe though. I do workout. I mostly work in the garden and do housework and read. My closest family is 2 hours away. Going grocery shopping is about the only thing I ever do away from home. I don't want this. I love him, but I want to do things in life. I feel like I'm just waiting to die here.

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Also, he used to actually be abusive, but that was only when he drank and he doesn't drink anymore. He's been sober over a year and has been attending domestic violence classes for the past year, by court order.

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You can't carry on living like this...... it's like you are a child imprisoned.

 

Can you get a weekend job. Explain to your husband how you feel.

I also have to wonder if he genuinely forgot to pay the insurance or was trying to save money.....either way..you loose out and he's not doing anything about it. That's not good.

 

Could you perhaps get a moped/scooter....maybe a loan from family to help out?

 

It's not right that you only get to grocery shop. Is moving nearer to town an option?

 

Do try and connect with other females online..... others may feel as you do and come up with ideas.

 

Your H may not see this..but it's kind of controlling and keeping you under watch all the time.

 

How old are you?

Have you worked since being married?

Are you from another ethnic background? ..Asian or African?

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You I will defiantly ask about a moped. Thank you.

I do have a FB account, but it just isn't the same. I don't spend much time on it. My escape is reading. When my husband first told me I didn't have to work, I thought, "great, I will have more time for school and other things" but that's not how it worked. I've never been a big socialite and so without something requiring me to get out around others, I didn't. Now I wish I could have a job just to get away for a while and talk to other people face to face. He doesn't have any friends either, but at least he gets to interact with other people at work. Unless I'm home alone, I'm never around other people without him there. I feel like a prisoner in a way. I tried to explain before but he gets hurt that I wouldn't want to spend time with him. I do want to spend most of my time with him, I just feel that I'm losing my independence.

We're both Caucasian and from a relatively close area of the US. I'm 30, he's 38. No kids.

Edited by Bagheera Kit
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Can you work from home and save for a car that would allow you to get an in person job?

 

If money is so tight, have you applied for grants to go back to school for a degree or is transport the issue there, too?

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You aren't crazy. You are trapped.

 

 

Get a car. Take over paying the bills so he can't forget to pay the insurance. Get a job.

 

 

If any of those things cause him to get upset, get a divorce because he is being abusive to you in a different way.

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Tell him you love spending time with him, but he's not home 24/7 and it's unhealthy not to have contact and interact with others on a regular basis. You'll be bored out of your mind.....and what happens years down the line if things go belly up between you? You will have no work experience....no skills. ...no qualifications....... nothing to stand and be financially independent. It would all be spousal support.

 

I'm not being pessimistic..just realistic.

 

It's like you've been dumped in a remote area with no outside physical human contact.

 

All too often, I find that after several years of marriage....Some men end up full of admiration for working women........While their wives stayed at home.

 

He says you don't need to work....but there's no money to buy you a car.....so then you need a job.

 

Take control of your life...otherwise you'll end up with depression.

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The advice already given is good. Maybe start w a part time job first thats not stressful then move up. Also, develop a new skill or two. Hobbies help.

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Also, he used to actually be abusive, but that was only when he drank and he doesn't drink anymore. He's been sober over a year and has been attending domestic violence classes for the past year, by court order.

 

Abusers like to be in control of their partner and it sounds like your husband has total control of you. How convenient that he forgot to pay your insurance but didn't forget to pay his own. His logic is faulty too. He says there is no money for you to drive or take classes but then says you don't need to work.

 

You tell him you want a job and a car. If you can't get a car right away then he needs to help you figure out transportation. Keeping you locked away at home all for himself is disturbing and could be considered abusive. Since he has been physically abusive in the past I would be very wary of this man. Don't let this situation continue. Do not have any children with him under these circumstances. He has taken away your independence and soon you will lose your identity if you don't get back into the world. Take action now.

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I don't care who he is, he has no right to tell you what you can and cannot do. He's manipulating and controlling you. Insist on getting a job, and then a car. If he continues to resist you, then leave him. He's an immature and selfish child.

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I don't care who he is, he has no right to tell you what you can and cannot do. He's manipulating and controlling you. Insist on getting a job, and then a car. If he continues to resist you, then leave him. He's an immature and selfish child.

 

Well.... yes he does, and she does, also, within reason. That's setting parameters and boundaries. However, it's CLEAR, that she should be able to work and get out and interact with others. Without that, it more than sucks... leads to depression, anxiety, addictions, etc. And this is a serious problem, with a very simple solution.

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I applied online and on the phone to a veterinarian's office in town and got the job! I told my husband and he was really excited for me. He took me in finalize everything today. I'll be riding with him into town to work. He's happy for me, and that means so much to me. Thanks for all your help. If it weren't for you all, I might not have sat him down and really told him just how u felt. Thanks so much!!

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I applied online and on the phone to a veterinarian's office in town and got the job! I told my husband and he was really excited for me. He took me in finalize everything today. I'll be riding with him into town to work. He's happy for me, and that means so much to me. Thanks for all your help. If it weren't for you all, I might not have sat him down and really told him just how u felt. Thanks so much!!

 

That's fantastic! Good for both of you!

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Also, he used to actually be abusive, but that was only when he drank and he doesn't drink anymore. He's been sober over a year and has been attending domestic violence classes for the past year, by court order.

 

This concerns me A Lot! Don't think that just because he is not hurting you physically at the moment that he is not still abusing you. He is manipulating you by not providing you with things you need like a car/ transportation or anything to entertain or help you grow as a person.

Do you think he would have gone to those clases if the court wasn't forcing him to?

It is great that he was able to quit drinking but the underlying issues are still there.

M husband liked me not working too. I got a job anyways and my husband threw a big fit about it. I felt it could help us since we always seemed to struggle to pay for things. Some men take it personally when they can't admit they need a womans help to provide.

 

I definitely think you need to get some sort of transportation first and also a job. Check the local papers....look up the number for your local ymca office and tell them what is going on. They might be able to hook you up with local resources that could help you.

 

It definitely sounds like he is actively trapping you on purpose.

Why does he not have any friends? It seems odd...

 

What happened to your friends? Maybe you could still call an old friend to catch up.

Be careful to not lose yourself out there all alone!! ?

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This concerns me A Lot! Don't think that just because he is not hurting you physically at the moment that he is not still abusing you. He is manipulating you by not providing you with things you need like a car/ transportation or anything to entertain or help you grow as a person.

Do you think he would have gone to those clases if the court wasn't forcing him to?

It is great that he was able to quit drinking but the underlying issues are still there.

M husband liked me not working too. I got a job anyways and my husband threw a big fit about it. I felt it could help us since we always seemed to struggle to pay for things. Some men take it personally when they can't admit they need a womans help to provide.

 

I definitely think you need to get some sort of transportation first and also a job. Check the local papers....look up the number for your local ymca office and tell them what is going on. They might be able to hook you up with local resources that could help you.

 

It definitely sounds like he is actively trapping you on purpose.

Why does he not have any friends? It seems odd...

 

What happened to your friends? Maybe you could still call an old friend to catch up.

Be careful to not lose yourself out there all alone!! ?

 

Perhaps a bit overboard on the violence and drinking... it's been over for a year, and not worth mentioning. We often get too critical at times, paint dome and gloom and forget the OP real goals.

 

Now that she has solved the problem and WITH full husband support, we can wish her well with her new ventures.

 

If future issues come up, perhaps she'll post again, but this one seems to have been solved, which is nice.

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