Lack of Physical intimacy

[rmurphey15]

Hello

 

My wife and I have been married a little over 3 years. We would have regular sex then all of a sudden 6 mo into the marriage everything changed. We went a whole year without any sex. I would try and try different things never treating her any differently than I did. I would be romantic, listen to her, try to understand why. Just try and love her the way she deserves. But every time I would try to be intimate I would get shut down. Excuses like:

 

1. Too hot, Too cold

2. Tired, don't want to waste my energy

3. Why didn't you try earlier in the day even though I was following her around to her families houses and supermarket. Not during the day.

4. You are a pervert… When I was just hugging her and grabbing her bottom.

5. I heard every excuse that contradicts itself.

 

I question her : Do you love me? Are you not attracted to me? Am I doing things wrong? What can I do different?

 

She will not tell me she loves me. I workout 4 days a week and swim 5 days a week trying to make her more physically attracted to me. But I get way more attention from other women than my wife. Not even an acknowledgment. She says I am not doing things wrong. The biggest reason she can give is : "that is the way I am."

 

I fully know she has changed so it is hard for me to believe that is the way she is. After a year of no sex she reluctantly had sex with me. Since we have had sex every 4 months or so.

 

Do you think I should stick it out? Am I being a selfish baby? Should I expect more or less?

I have thought how nice it would to be holding a woman on my chest just watching a movie. Or making out and hugging. I have always believed affairs are wrong. But lately an affair sounds very possible and nice.

[Grumpybutfun]

There is some disconnect in your expectations. You need to sit down with her and tell her that physical intimacy is your love language (touch) and that with her keeping it from you, you feel abandoned emotionally. This is about a marriage where both parties get to get their needs met. I think you are right to feel confused and hurt. Physical intimacy is a very sacred part of marriage and romantic relationships as it is something we can't get form anyone else without cheating.

Speaking of cheating...do not go there. Instead, if she says she doesn't care to meet your physical/emotional needs because she has changed after false advertising herself to be sexual before and at the beginning of marriage, ask for an open marriage so you can get your physical needs met by other women with her approval. Be aware though that she can also do this...though if she just isn't into sex anymore, you might not have any activity on her part or she could fall in love with Paolo and run off to Brazil. Be cognizant of the dangers of this arrangement.

I don't really understand withholding intimacy in marriage. My wife and I feel it is so important that we schedule it when life gets crazy busy.

You deserve to have your needs met....if she won't meet them then you have a choice to make on whether the rest of your marriage is good enough for you to settle for almost celibacy....one time in four months seems almost sexless to me. That is three times a year. So, settle for an almost sexless marriage where you know your wife doesn't care much for your needs, agree on an open marriage and plan dates for sex, or move on and find someone who wants to share your life fully with you including your love language.

 

The real kicker on why I said divorce is because she will not tell her own husband she loves him. To me that is the real withholding. It isn't compassionate or fair to you.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Popsicle]

She's never going to come around, sorry. Divorce her.

 

Do not cheat.

[sandylee1]

Have you sat down and talked with her?

 

Aside from the sex..what's the rest of your relationship like?

Is she affectionate with you?

Does she show you any love at all...in any way?

 

To ask her what's changed from when you used to be closer and have the intimate relationship you used to?

 

Try asking her if she thinks the status quo is sustainable?

 

Is there any chance she's cheating? Do you have access to her phone ? Emails? I'd do some digging..there's an awful lot of married women cheating.

 

Do you have kids? Do you help with chores around the house?

 

Do you spend time together romantically? Dinner? Movies? Theatre?

 

Maybe you should ask straight up if she wants a divorce.... but not before you've done some investigation to see if she has a secret lover.

[Bufo]

Movie title from several years ago: She's Just Not Into You. Close enough for our purpose.

 

This is something that will not get better all by itself, if it ever gets better. You do not want to live your life with a dead bedroom situation. There's something inside her head that tells her sex is unnecessary once the ring is on the finger or that sex is dirty or bad. You can't fix that for her. Trust me,,I know what I'm writing about here.

 

She won't even say she loves you? You have a serious problem that maybe marriage counseling can help, but she needs to find out why she can't speak those words to you and has no interest in sex. That IC stuff. Is she willing? Even if she is there is no guarantee you'll be satisfied with the results.

 

Forget the open marriage thing. Even if you hook up with a new 9 or 10 every day, you still have to come home and deal with lovelessness that approaches scorn.

 

Don't have unprotected sex with her as the last thing you need is a pregnancy and a child. If you don't have a house together, don't buy one now. Kids and mortgages create entanglements.

 

You should find out from a lawyer what divorce means in your circumstances. Knowledge equals power. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you are getting divorced, but rather lets you know how divorce would impact you financially.

 

I don't know how old,or,young you are, but life,is too short to live in misery.

Edited November 9, 2015 by Bufo
Stupid tablet causes misspellings

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife and I have been married a little over 3 years. We would have regular sex then all of a sudden 6 mo into the marriage everything changed. We went a whole year without any sex.

 

I'm not sure which seems stranger to me - that she would suddenly change after six months or that you would go A WHOLE YEAR without forcing some resolution to this?

 

According to your post, you were having regular sex - after only six months, would be at least 2-3 times a week, right? - and then she woke up one day and mysteriously said "no more".

 

Has to be some information missing here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

She won't say she loves you?

 

No sex for a year?!?!?!!

 

Sounds like there are some serious issues here. How is the rest of your marriage? What do you two do to enjoy each other?

[Miss Peach]

Is there something that happened around 6 months ago? I know for me the only time my sex drive tanks is when I feel resentful.

[ShatteredLady]

I was part of a large 'Mom's Club' & I'm going to give the usual advise but to be honest I'm more worried about the not saying she loves you. That's NOT medical, mental etc!!!!

 

1. Many women put on weight after marriage & become self conscious.

2. There's lots of excitement leading up to marriage. The 'anti-climax' can cause depression. Does she show signs of depression?

 

3. Has her birth control changed? Some are libido killers.

4. Is she taking any medications? Again...libido killers.

 

5. Go to a hormone specialist (NOT GP) & have a complete work-up. A tiny hormonal imbalance can cause big problems.

 

Sex can be a habit. I know that sounds very unromantic but not having sex can kill women's desire. Many women say this. Then sex becomes a battle & that's definitely NOT a turn-on.

 

I think a good solution that some friends tried could work....Plan Sex!! "We are going to have sex on Saturday nights. The rest of the week we WILL NOT have sex!".

 

Some women end-up getting tense over the issue so they end-up withdrawing from ALL contact because they're scared that holding hands will lead to you wanting sex, her rejecting, big issue!! If she knows no sex will happen because it's Wednesday she might cuddle on the sofa, have & give massages, etc. etc.

 

The theory is that all the affection will turn her on & in the end she won't be able to wait for Saturdays!

 

As I said, this is 'normal' advise. What does she say when you talk about her not even verbally expressing her love for you? Did something big happen that has caused resentment? What was going on in the months after your wedding?

[ShatteredLady]

Are you having open communication on this subject? I've sat with women complaining about their lack of sex life & I bet their husbands are doing the same!! BOTH thinking that they have become undesirable to their partner. It becomes awkward & no one initiates... so no sex. Then no sex becomes a habit & things get even more awkward.

 

I know how horrible rejection feels, I truly do. I'm so sorry.

[rmurphey15]

Have you sat down and talked with her? Yes I have been pushing the issue for years. I have wrote her, I have talked to her, I have done everything I can and Im exhausted.

 

 

Aside from the sex..what's the rest of your relationship like?

 

The relationship is equivalent to roommates at times. But also there are some times I think she likes to be around me.

 

Is she affectionate with you?

Not at all. She will not touch me unless I ask her to. Even then sometimes she will notions I am talking about the holding hands thing, trying to cuddle.

 

Does she show you any love at all...in any way?

When she goes to the store she will buy me things I like. Sometimes she will get me a card for special occasions.

 

To ask her what's changed from when you used to be closer and have the intimate relationship you used to?

 

Try asking her if she thinks the status quo is sustainable?

She has said yes in the past, but I think that is just to pacify me.

 

Is there any chance she's cheating? I don't think so.

 

Do you have access to her phone ? Emails? I'd do some digging..there's an awful lot of married women cheating.

It would almost be a relief if she was cheating because that would be some kind of explanation. Rather than sit in doubt all these years.

 

Do you have kids? Do you help with chores around the house? Yes I have kids ages 2 and 4.. I do 75% of the chores, cooking, cleaning, etc etc . Taking care of kids … I entertain them I would say 90% of the time.

 

Do you spend time together romantically? Dinner? Movies? Theatre? No

 

Maybe you should ask straight up if she wants a divorce.... but not before you've done some investigation to see if she has a secret lover.

[rmurphey15]

I'm not sure which seems stranger to me - that she would suddenly change after six months or that you would go A WHOLE YEAR without forcing some resolution to this?

I have forced the resolution several times… I am at my whits end.

 

According to your post, you were having regular sex - after only six months, would be at least 2-3 times a week, right? - and then she woke up one day and mysteriously said "no more".

 

She never said anything verbally. But ya sex was regular. I get the assumption she wanted a sperm donor.

 

Has to be some information missing here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rmurphey15]

I believe this might be targeting some of the problem…. Thanks for some valuable advise.

 

Sex can be a habit. I know that sounds very unromantic but not having sex can kill women's desire. Many women say this. Then sex becomes a battle & that's definitely NOT a turn-on.

I think a good solution that some friends tried could work....Plan Sex!! "We are going to have sex on Saturday nights. The rest of the week we WILL NOT have sex!".

Some women end-up getting tense over the issue so they end-up withdrawing from ALL contact because they're scared that holding hands will lead to you wanting sex, her rejecting, big issue!! If she knows no sex will happen because it's Wednesday she might cuddle on the sofa, have & give massages, etc. etc.

[rmurphey15]

Im sorry everyone I am learning how to use the forum. I am trying to reference what others have wrote and am having trouble.

[rmurphey15]

I agree more than ever with some of you. Not being able to say I love you is a bigger issue and hurts to even think about it. I have stopped saying it out of embarrassment and looking pathetic. When I would say I love you on the phone she would mumble ok buy. When in person she would pretend I was not there or she was preoccupied to respond. When I would make sure she heard and ask her if she did heard she would say yes I heard you. and that would be that.

 

Again when questioned further it comes down to her explaining that is the way she is and I want to change her.

 

Dam! I try and not to think about this because it puts me through the ringer.

[rmurphey15]

She won't say she loves you?

 

No sex for a year?!?!?!!

 

Sounds like there are some serious issues here. How is the rest of your marriage? What do you two do to enjoy each other?

 

Our marriage is up and down. We are not the best of friends, like being able to enjoy company and laugh together.

[rmurphey15]

To be completely honest everyone. I have pushed these issues to the point I am starting to get tired of the same conversation. I have been thinking lately about being affectionate with a woman (not any specific woman). Just finding someone who wants to be close to me. And in this post I am not talking about having sex.

 

I have recently been thinking about how nice it would be to hold someone and cuddle. Touch them and feel a closeness with some kind of bond. Look in a woman's eyes and see the desire to be kissed. Maybe hold hands, caress her back. She enjoys hugging me.

 

Now don't get me wrong I would love for my wife to be that woman, but lately i wonder if she will ever be willing to be that woman.

[Phoenician]

Murphy ,

 

I strongly beleieve that your story is very similar to mine ; I want you to read it and take benefit from it ; because if I had Love shack 10 years back , I would have gained a lot;like you I have been deprived of real intimacy ( not talking about sex here ) for years too.; now I am living a great love story , with my wife .

 

 

Married for 17 years .

-Wife is a great woman socially , good looking , faithful, honest , but :

she is lazy and selfish .

 

-She didn't like house chores, nor intimacy/ fantasies ; everything for her is a duty .

 

-I ended up doing 90% of house chores and services , and earning the bread for the house too.

-there was always excuse for missing a responsibility ; and gradually I became a doormat ; what is worse , she didn't even acknowledge or appreciate me .

 

-my attempts to be closer were most of the time considered as odd ; and when I demanded more than just vanilla intimacy i became the image of a sex maniac .

-Any desire of mine was considered odd .

-15 years passed , until I became so resentfull, i even felt abused .

-One day I attempted to cheat with an ex Whom i haven't seen for 20 years , then at the moment of big event ; I apologized , came back to my wife and confessed ; assuming that this will create a positive pulse ; nothing happened.

 

-I went through so many things up to thinking that my wife is cheating ; monitored her , nothing , she is loyal !

 

Then gradually i dicovered it , she is just a depressed lazy woman who hates house chores ; but things became bad when we lost respect toward each other ; and the big thing happened , I cursed her , she slapped me , I slapped her , she left the house .

 

 

she went to her parents ; kids started crying , I felt so bad for them ; at the same time , I took a decision :

 

-I left her a message :

no more Mr nice guy , you have only one chance , abuse it and you will regret , use it and i will be yours , I have only 2 conditions .

 

-I am no longer a housemaid .you are responsible for the house duties ; if you need help you ask me for it ; i will probably help if I can , but it is your responsibility .

-Disrespect me another time , you will see my other face , I will make you hurt without touching you .

 

My relative arranged a win win situation to have her return home , that night she changed , and she is still changing to better status .

 

Since then I do no house chores , she can as me me for anything , anything she wants , but I no longer do any of the wife duties.

 

 

Beleieve me until the roles are back to normal , nothing will change .

 

get back your role , you are the man of the house , if she works , make it gradual that her earning are not to feed the house if you can .

 

Don't misunderstand my approacjh , I am not saying that you should use your physical power , I am talking about the roles.

 

Now , I am acting the role of the man again , and she is enjoying it to max ; to an extent she ofeered things she never did before |( Oral , etc ) ...

and happy about it .

 

I discovered that man women though they enjoy equality , they are in desperate need of a powerfull man.

 

the lovely creature venus is really a strange one , so don't put expectations , just now act on rectifying your status ; take back your role man .!

like me

[dichotomy]

My wife and I have struggled for years with a drop in sex, she was VERY sexual before me and mostly sexual with me during dating. However it was not as bad a change as you describe with your wife. My wife also remained affectionate (hugs and touches) and says I love you all the time.

 

My conclusions for my wife's change was (is)... 1) that monogamy and stable marriage and stable family are not a turn on for her- sex and love are different mechanisms for her 2) She was very sexual before me for reasons of loss, confusion, self esteem, power, competition, control, and other non love reasons while single.. that no longer exist while with me 3) she was a bad girl with bad boys and is now a nice girl with a nice guy 4) She is a bit selfish and lazy with me because she can be - and could not when dating. 5) Her health and physical condition have dropped in the last 5 years of marriage.

 

Your wife's changes worry me - the "I love you's" have gone, so has any affection, not to mention sex.

 

I am sorry you have kids as this makes the decision much more difficult.

 

I would suggest for you.

 

1) You spy and get into every communications method she uses. You may find an affair, but you may also find out other things - like whats going on in her head and heart - maybe she tells a friend or support group what she feels.

 

2) Google "Athol Kay" and get his books and guides and support group.

 

3) Seek a couples therapist that specializes in sex. Make the first appointment and lie why your going - say "I have a problem and need your help". Go on your own if needed.

 

4) See a lawyer so you know what would happen in a divorce.

 

5) Consider cheating if leaving the marriage is difficult. (ya I am going to catch hell from the people here on LS for this last one).

Edited November 10, 2015 by dichotomy

[oldshirt]

 

I would suggest for you.

 

1) You spy and get into every communications method she uses. You may find an affair, but you may also find out other things - like whats going on in her head and heart - maybe she tells a friend or support group what she feels.

 

2) Google "Athol Kay" and get his books and guides and support group.

 

3) Seek a couples therapist that specializes in sex. Make the first appointment and lie why your going - say "I have a problem and need your help". Go on your own if needed.

 

4) See a lawyer so you know what would happen in a divorce.

 

5) Consider cheating if leaving the marriage is difficult. (ya I am going to catch hell from the people here on LS for this last one).

 

I agree with all of this.

 

 

I would also suggest you get the Athol Kay books/videos and get on his forums and tell your story there first.

 

 

This is likely an attraction issue and that is what they primarily deal with day in and day out. They will help you formulate a game plan specific to your situation and specific to your current strengths and weaknesses.

 

 

Their methodology is basically you working on yourself to become as attractive and proactive as possible to the point that any other woman of her caliber would have you and then you basically give her the option of stepping up to the plate and doing what needs to be done to reestablish a marital relationship, or you exit the marriage and take up with someone else that does find you attractive and desirable.

 

 

The key point here is that you have to be in that position of strength before you go to MC or before you make any ultimatums or try to negotiate anything. It's pointless to try to discuss her not being attracted to you if no other woman would be attracted to you or want you either.

 

 

Check out Athol Kay's "Married Man Sexlife" website and get the books/videos and read the blogs and forums there. Your situation sounds quite serious and dire so I would even recommend the one-on-one coaching.

[Lois_Griffin]

Their methodology is basically you working on yourself to become as attractive and proactive as possible to the point that any other woman of her caliber would have you and then you basically give her the option of stepping up to the plate and doing what needs to be done to reestablish a marital relationship, or you exit the marriage and take up with someone else that does find you attractive and desirable.

He's already DONE that and he didn't need to pay a huge amount of money to some guy who looks like Uncle Fester to be told how to do it. Jesus, I went out to the website and all I SAW were dollar signs everywhere. What a crock.

 

She's completely disengaged, OP. It ain't rocket science.

 

I'd be giving her 6 months to get her sh*t together. Whether that would be through going to the doctor and finding out if she has a hormonal imbalance, or a therapist to find out why she's so completely void of all emotion.

 

If she can't fix herself or shows no desire to do so, then you need to consider other options.

[OldRover]

Im sorry everyone I am learning how to use the forum. I am trying to reference what others have wrote and am having trouble.

 

Rmurphey,

 

To make your post clearer, his the "quote" button for a reply, that will quote the text of the person, putting it in a box, and you're replying to it will be clear (no box).

 

You can also answer questions by leaving the quote in regular and typing your response in bold. Hit the bold "B" above the box, putting a bracketed B on both ends of your sentence.

 

Hope that helps.

[rmurphey15]

He's already DONE that and he didn't need to pay a huge amount of money to some guy who looks like Uncle Fester to be told how to do it. Jesus, I went out to the website and all I SAW were dollar signs everywhere. What a crock.

 

She's completely disengaged, OP. It ain't rocket science.

 

I workout a lot and keep my appearance up… I have been taking better care of all my hygiene, started dressing up going out… Even to the market.. Wearing cologne even though it gives me allergies. Just so she might notice me. But nothing… Since my original post though I have half way checked out ….

Don't go anywhere with her… Don't complete her needs for fixing things, projects, housework..

[basil67]

Our marriage is up and down. We are not the best of friends, like being able to enjoy company and laugh together.

 

Voila! And here lies the answer to what happened to her sex drive.

 

I know you're working on your physical appearance, but you're missing the mark. For your wife - attraction comes from having a good relationship.

 

They say that problems inside the bedroom most often stem from problems outside the bedroom. Instead of looking at her sex drive as the issue here, consider that her sex drive is a symptom of bigger issues. Until your marriage issues are fixed, she'd probably rather stick pins in her eyes than have sex with you.

 

So, what are the two of you fighting over? Why aren't you enjoying each other's company?

[privategal]

I agree more than ever with some of you. Not being able to say I love you is a bigger issue and hurts to even think about it. I have stopped saying it out of embarrassment and looking pathetic. When I would say I love you on the phone she would mumble ok buy. When in person she would pretend I was not there or she was preoccupied to respond. When I would make sure she heard and ask her if she did heard she would say yes I heard you. and that would be that.

 

Again when questioned further it comes down to her explaining that is the way she is and I want to change her.

 

Dam! I try and not to think about this because it puts me through the ringer.

 

When you get married its because you pledge love to the other and want to give and recieve love forever. I would give her divorce papers yesterday. I would not suffer sexual neglect and rejection from my spouse and no I love you.

Thats cruel and harmful for you. It will be a real eye opener when she is forced to look at her own actions and see how her cold cruel manner has pushed her husband away.

No way should you stay. This is cruel and is nothing like how a wife should be. Im so upset to see you are being treated like this.