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coping with husband's weight gain


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Livin&Learnin

Hello,

 

Let me begin by stating that I love my husband.

 

However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to remain physically attracted to him due to his long-term battle with being overweight.

 

We have been together for 21 years and married for 19 yrs. When we met he was in good shape...muscular and healthy. He remained consistent with his weight over the first 4-5 years of our relationship. Then he began gaining the pounds and would fluctuate between 30-40 pounds overweight. He would attempt to lose the weight periodically, but the weight loss would not last. He'd go all gung-ho to Weight Watcher's or on a low calorie kick for a couple months, lose 20-30 lbs and then gain that back, plus 5lbs etc... Typical Yo-Yo dieter.

I have tried for years to be encouraging...getting him motivated to join a gym...clearning junk food from the house...exercising with him...cooking healthy...speaking to him about the health risks...I really wanted him to keep fit and healthy.

 

Well, currently he is at his heaviest - on the rebound from a 50lb loss about 2 years ago. Since that large loss, he quickly ticked up in weight. He is now 60-70 lbs. overweight as he is 5.7 and weights 245lb.

(according to the doctor he should be around 170-180 tops)

 

I'm afraid of coming across as "mean" or "harsh"...but on a personal level... I'm really struggling to find ways to remain physically attracted to my husband. His weight gain has caused stress in many areas of our relationship...sexually, he just doesn't have the "drive" anymore. It's not that we don't have sex, however; I'm the one to initiate it 9 times out of 10. He is tired all the time and can be snappy and cranky and a bit depressed due to his admitted low self esteem and consequences of dragging the extra pounds around.

However, he admits he "likes food" and it obviously brings him a form of comfort.

 

I sometimes feel hurt because I try to keep myself in good physical shape. Even after 2 children, I'm exactly the same weight as when him and I met. I try hard to keep myself in shape and looking attractive for him as well as, for myself and I know that he is visually stimulated by my body.

SO - Why am I not worth him looking sexy for me?

 

I guess I just feel cheated. He's not the man I met & married (physically). Our sex life has dwindled to 1-2 times a month. It can be satisfying, however I find that looking at his belly & large man boobs turns me off. Also, it's become increasingly uncomfortable in certain positions so we are very limited in changing things up. He actually hurt my back a couple months ago from his stomach weight across my hips/stomach.

The closeness has also suffered as he can't lay down on me and hold me tight to him. There is just too much gut in the way for that level of intimacy which I miss so much. :-(

 

OK - I've given a lot of background. My questions are:

Are there other women here who have had to deal with this issue in their marriage or long-term relationship? If so, how did you cope with the loss of intimacy and with the lack of attraction toward your partner?

What can I do??

I don't know what else to try and I'm afraid of him gaining even more weight. I also carry tremendous guilt for being so turned off by his body. This is hard to admit, but lately, I've caught myself looking at other men because they are in fit shape.

Any advice?

 

Thanks for listening!

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You can't tell somebody you love nicely that their extra weight is a turn off. It comes across as mean.

 

 

Instead try making healthier meals, keep the junk food out of the house and plan fun active calorie burning things for the family to do.

 

 

Help him. Don't knock him down.

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Livin&Learnin

I appreciate your feedback, but I in no way ever told him that his weight gain is a turn off for me. Hence my post here. :)

I feel this way, but I have not said it to him.

I'm hoping to hear from others as to how they have dealt with similar situations (woman turned off by man's being overweight) so that I can learn to help him and myself.

As I posted - I have been very encouraging and very much behind him and helping him every time he decided to lose weight.

But thank you for your comment

Edited by Livin&Learnin
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GunslingerRoland

Typically adults gain weight together to at least some degree. it's surprising that he has managed to get so far overweight while you are so slim.

 

Are you cooking healthy meals and he is just not eating them? Or are you exercising and him not? Or is there something else causing his weight gain.

 

Normally I'd say, helping encourage healthy eating by doing your part shopping for/making healthy meals and planning healthy activities to do together would be my suggestion, but clearly you are already reaping these healthy benefits while he is somehow not.

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I'm not a woman. But from a man's standpoint I don't think beating around the bushes is going to work. A lot of people are going to tell you that you can't come down on him for his weight, have to be encouraging etc. That's all true but only up to a point.

 

Eventually it becomes a deal-breaker in the marriage and you owe it to both of you to be blunt about it. Not mean, but straight forward and honest. If you truly love him then you don't want to end up leaving him or something without giving him every opportunity to pull his weight in the relationship (no pun intended).

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Weight control is a way of life... one needs to develop habits that keep them healthy and control their weight.

 

I'm not a big fan of diets and gimmicks or formal weight control programs. Weight control is very simple.... it's a matter of how much one eats, and how much one exercises. And good eating habits.

 

It's not easy to get someone to change, but you can encourage them. Do things with them. Perhaps the exercise done together three times a week for about 30 minutes. Try to do something fun.... biking, kayaking, playing tennis, or active sports is all more fun than pushing weights at the gym.

 

The help with the diet. There should be certain foods that you two NEVER EVER eat. Fried food, potato chips, (the high saturated fat stuff) for sure. And eat minimal would be sweets and deserts. And eliminate ALL snacks...nothing between meals. Eat meals ONLY to satisfy hunger... never to get full. Don't go to bed after dinner... take a walk instead.

 

And if alcohol is used, do the diet stuff. Some drinks have a lot less calories than others. Light beer, mixed drink with water or diet juice, are better. A glass of wine once or twice a week is a good substitute. And limit quantities.... have a few days off, and no more than 2 or 3 drinks per day. (perhaps 300 calories).

 

It can work, and be fun, too. But, gotta develop HABITS for life.... not just to loose a few pounds on a binge.

 

Good luck.

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Livin&Learnin
Typically adults gain weight together to at least some degree. it's surprising that he has managed to get so far overweight while you are so slim.

Absolutely - yes people sometimes put on weight together - bad eating habits etc...but that's not us. I tend to avoid junk foods and have always watched the quantity of food that I eat.

 

Are you cooking healthy meals and he is just not eating them? Or are you exercising and him not? Or is there something else causing his weight gain.

I exercise consistently - he usually exercises in bursts revolving around "trying to get back on track" and then it fizzles. However, we do walk together for 4-5 miles 2x per week every week.

 

Normally I'd say, helping encourage healthy eating by doing your part shopping for/making healthy meals and planning healthy activities to do together would be my suggestion, but clearly you are already reaping these healthy benefits while he is somehow not.

Yes, thank you! He drives truck (NOT over-the-road) 4 days per week, but he also unloads deliveries to many stops so it's a combination of driving (sedentary) and unloading (active).

However, he constantly eats at fast food places, grabs donuts and chips and hot dogs (he shares this with me when he's "determined to get back on track") and has told me that he enjoys fast food because it's easy and tasty. ? So, what am I to do?

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He has to do it on his own. I don't subscribe to these ideas that YOU have to jolly him along in exercising, eating etc. This shouldn't be about you holding his hand. He is the captain of his own ship and if he decides he needs to lose weight he doesn't need you jogging alongside him to do it. He can do it on his own.

 

The question is does he know how important it is to you? If he does and he's choosing to do nothing about it, you're not left with many options. He may know its important to you but doesn't know its approaching a critical level.

 

I think you need to sit him down and lay it on the line and then he can decide what his priorities are.

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Livin&Learnin
I'm not a woman. But from a man's standpoint I don't think beating around the bushes is going to work. A lot of people are going to tell you that you can't come down on him for his weight, have to be encouraging etc. That's all true but only up to a point.

 

I agree that hiding my true feeling from him could cause more harm than good, but I just can't bring myself to divulge that I'm really turned off by his appearance and how his weight negatively impacts our sex/recreation life. How could I possibly bring this up in conversation without sounding cruel or insensitive??

 

Eventually it becomes a deal-breaker in the marriage and you owe it to both of you to be blunt about it. Not mean, but straight forward and honest. If you truly love him then you don't want to end up leaving him or something without giving him every opportunity to pull his weight in the relationship (no pun intended).

 

I know that I won't leave him. But I do find other men in our social circle attractive and then I find myself feeling resentful because I wonder why can't my husband lose the weight if they can? I hate thinking this way.

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GunslingerRoland

His activity level sounds not bad all things considered, it's clearly all the fast food that is causing the problem. What can you do? You can't eat healthy for him. Can you help him prepare healthy lunches to take with him?

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Livin&Learnin
He has to do it on his own. I don't subscribe to these ideas that YOU have to jolly him along in exercising, eating etc. This shouldn't be about you holding his hand. He is the captain of his own ship and if he decides he needs to lose weight he doesn't need you jogging alongside him to do it. He can do it on his own.

 



The question is does he know how important it is to you? If he does and he's choosing to do nothing about it, you're not left with many options. He may know its important to you but doesn't know its approaching a critical level.

 

I think you need to sit him down and lay it on the line and then he can decide what his priorities are.

 

 

 

I completely agree with you. I'm afraid that I'm being more of a mother to him rather than a wife. I have "held his hand" more times than I want to admit and then felt as if "I'M" failing at being more supportive and understanding. Sometimes I wonder how he would treat me if the shoe were on the other foot. He is in charge of his own choices - he should do this on his own. Thank you for this I think I needed to hear that!

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Livin&Learnin
His activity level sounds not bad all things considered, it's clearly all the fast food that is causing the problem. What can you do? You can't eat healthy for him. Can you help him prepare healthy lunches to take with him?

 

Yes. Sadly he simply likes sweet, salty, fatty foods. He admits to not controlling his portions. Yes I have prepared healthy lunches for him and that's just it - for him. If he's responsible for doing it - it doesn't get done.

Plus, there have been days that I know he's taken the lunch I prepared to work with him and then passed it up for a cheesesteak at one of his stops or Wendy's or whatever. Then I get mad and say - make your own lunch. LOL

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Livin&Learnin
He has to do it on his own. I don't subscribe to these ideas that YOU have to jolly him along in exercising, eating etc. This shouldn't be about you holding his hand. He is the captain of his own ship and if he decides he needs to lose weight he doesn't need you jogging alongside him to do it. He can do it on his own.

 

The question is does he know how important it is to you? If he does and he's choosing to do nothing about it, you're not left with many options. He may know its important to you but doesn't know its approaching a critical level.

 

I think you need to sit him down and lay it on the line and then he can decide what his priorities are.

 

I do believe he is aware that his being so overweight has decreased my sexual attraction to him. I guess I'm assuming that after being together for so many years - I mean it is common sense right...how could he not know? He himself isn't attracted to heavy women. He knows that keeping reasonably fit and healthy is important to me and is very aware of how his weight gain has impacted his energy level and confidence.

How can I "lay it on the line" ? Without sounding shallow or uncaring. Your points are so very valid - I just don't know how to craft the delivery.

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Would he be open to an insulated lunch bag so you & he can pack healthy meals he can take & eat on the road? Lessening his consumption of salty, fatty foods & sugary sodas during the day may help

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GunslingerRoland

How can I "lay it on the line" ? Without sounding shallow or uncaring.

 

Similar to men in the same situation... you can't. Telling your husband that he's fat when he knows he's fat isn't really going to solve anything. It's just going to hurt his confidence and his faith in his relationship with you.

 

That being said, he's made it clear that he wants to lose weight and be healthier, so you can continue to try to find ways to support him in it.

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Are you concerned about his health? I'd be!

 

My approach would be to talk about health concerns, wanting him to stay alive, healthy, and active, and not wanting to be the caretaker to someone with diabetes in later years. Maybe try to scare him straight.

 

Changes have to be lifetime changes, though. Temporary diets don't work. I'd stress that as well.

 

Why does he comfort eat? Why does he need that escape in food during the day? If you could get to the heart of that, you might work through the root problem.

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Livin&Learnin
Are you concerned about his health? I'd be!

 

My approach would be to talk about health concerns, wanting him to stay alive, healthy, and active, and not wanting to be the caretaker to someone with diabetes in later years. Maybe try to scare him straight.

 

Changes have to be lifetime changes, though. Temporary diets don't work. I'd stress that as well.

 

Why does he comfort eat? Why does he need that escape in food during the day? If you could get to the heart of that, you might work through the root problem.

 

Yep, I've tried that scare tactic - his doctor has warned him about his increasing blood pressure and diabetes risk and so forth. It really hasn't motivated him. Oh and yep I've actually said to him that I it'll be me as a caregiver when he's sick from obesity-related health issues. No change.

I agree with how he must make the changes and that he must resolve to stick to healthy habits rather than quick diets.

I am not sure why he eats comfort foods.

I mean just like some people can be addicted to this or that substance...I believe people can also be addicted to foods.

He simply enjoys eating - I'm not sure what emotional benefits he's gleaning from the act of eating certain kinds of foods.

This is the root of his problem.

 

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I'm going to be harsh and tell it like it is. I'm not trying to be mean but want to cut to the chase.

 

He's not going to change because his weight gain hasn't cost him anything he cares about. He is still scoring a couple times a month and you are doing all the work.

 

Maybe once he hasn't had any sex or physical contact from you for six months or finds out you have the hots for some ripped stud at the gym, he'll get serious about adopting a healthier lifestyle.

 

When the guys here write to this and other forums that their wives don't want to be intimate with them, the first piece of advice they are given is to get to the gym and lose the flab.

 

A man 60 lbs overweight on a 5'7" frame is not attractive to any woman and he wouldn't be able to get anything on the open dating market. He has gotten lazy and content because he is still getting all the benefits of a fit man.

 

In the mean time you are forcing yourself to have sex with a man you are not attracted to. You wouldn't have touched him with a 10 foot pole when you were single so why are you initiating sex with him now?????

 

You are at huge risk of going to the well one too many times and becoming so disgusted with him that you lose all love and esteem and respect for him and then you'll be vulnerable to be coming attracted to a fit and attractive man and straying and then everything is going to blow up.

 

Don't have sex with a man you aren't attracted to. If he asks you about it (which will probably take several months) be open and honest about it.

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From personal experience weight loss /management is something that the individual has to want to do by themself. It's great to have an encouraging supportive partner, but ultimately, it's down to them.

 

It's a very sensitive issue for the overweight individual and apart from pointing out the health risks...you can't really do any more than you already are.

 

You can't control his eating ....you can encourage him to go back to weight watchers. ...you can offer to help by giving him a reward on reaching a certain goal as a motivation for him. I've a friend whose husband promised her a new car when she reached her goal weight...but she was already in a slimming club..she stuck with it this time .

 

I'm not suggesting something as expensive as that.....but be mindful not to say anything hurtful (I'm sure you wouldn't ), because he will become self concious and withdraw.

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Yep, I've tried that scare tactic - his doctor has warned him about his increasing blood pressure and diabetes risk and so forth. It really hasn't motivated him. Oh and yep I've actually said to him that I it'll be me as a caregiver when he's sick from obesity-related health issues. No change.

I agree with how he must make the changes and that he must resolve to stick to healthy habits rather than quick diets.

I am not sure why he eats comfort foods.

I mean just like some people can be addicted to this or that substance...I believe people can also be addicted to foods.

He simply enjoys eating - I'm not sure what emotional benefits he's gleaning from the act of eating certain kinds of foods.

This is the root of his problem.

 

 

Well, if you don't know the 'why'... sounds like a good starting point.

 

Some people aren't emotional eaters at all. Sometimes it's just their body's way of looking for some nutrient they can't metabolize. Some folks don't get the satiety signal to their brain. There are all sorts of physiological reasons... and there are all sorts of psychological reasons.

 

Seems like a trip to the nutritionist would be in order. Meantime, there are some cool phone apps these days that provide nutrition diaries and calorie counters so you can know exactly what the nutrition content of a given food is right on the spot before you even put it in your mouth.

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OP - I struggled in the same thing with my first husband. It was similar that he didn't want to do anything to lose the weight, improve his hygiene change his focus, and it greatly impacted sex. I stayed active and in shape and couldn't figure out why my attraction didn't matter.

 

I am sorry, never found a way to improve things. It wasn't until we separated and divorced that he got in shape and ultimately started running and has stayed in shape. Maybe, yes, it was now needing to be desirable on the market that effected the most change.

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OP - I struggled in the same thing with my first husband. It was similar that he didn't want to do anything to lose the weight, improve his hygiene change his focus, and it greatly impacted sex. I stayed active and in shape and couldn't figure out why my attraction didn't matter.

 

I am sorry, never found a way to improve things. It wasn't until we separated and divorced that he got in shape and ultimately started running and has stayed in shape. Maybe, yes, it was now needing to be desirable on the market that effected the most change.

 

Not maybe, that IS it. He took you for granted and would have with any woman he was married to until he learned that lesson. Sadly, many people are like this (men and women). I prefer to stay on my toes and to be with someone who also stays on their toes.

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Not maybe, that IS it. He took you for granted and would have with any woman he was married to until he learned that lesson. Sadly, many people are like this (men and women). I prefer to stay on my toes and to be with someone who also stays on their toes.

 

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that due to depression, exercising may have been the help with kicking it. And found the benefits from it. I also don't want to speak for him and assume that was/is the only/correct reason.

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I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that due to depression, exercising may have been the help with kicking it. And found the benefits from it. I also don't want to speak for him and assume that was/is the only/correct reason.

 

That's very gererous of you but I'm still glad you left him. :)

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