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Was this my fault?


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shootingfromhip

I am feeling very vulnerable and need some feedback.

 

I'm dealing with extreme issues with my husband of 4 years. I have a job that requires me to travel from time to time. A few days ago, I told my husband that my client (2.5 hours away) needed me to attend a meeting in person -- that I would leave at 8am and return by 3 or 3:30. He got off work at noon.

 

He went nuts...because he said I had been traveling too much and that I am looking for "excuses" to travel to that city. I told him I NEEDED to be at this meeting for my client. He told I was wrong -- I didn't NEED to go and I am "playing games".

 

Well, my dog had a vet appointment at 3:15. I had already set that. My husband was OFF WORK. I told him -- don't worry I will STILL be home to take our dog to the vet. He told me I wouldn't be.

 

Anyway, I was hoping to get my check that day from my client too -- after the meeting.

 

As the meeting was going on my husband was texting -- saying he couldn't believe he was going to have to change his hair cut appt because I might not be home in time. I told him I will be home -- by 3:15. I will handle everything.

 

As time ticked closer during this meeting-- the texts were coming in from him telling me he was upset that I was not responding fast enough and he was feeling "ignored."

 

So, at the time I needed to leave to be home by 3:15 -- I left. I told the client I had to leave early. I made a point to be on time. So, what happened?

 

I hit traffic and I was 10 minutes late. My husband told me I "lied" to him about what time I would be home. It turned into a horrible fight because he said "where is your check"? I said - I couldn't stick around and ask for it because you said I HAD to be home by 3:15. He said well you weren't...you were still 10 minutes late AND you didn't get your check. He said "it's always MY fault" "you can't face the fact that you screwed up.."

 

My head is still spinning from this fight. It ended with him telling me that he thinks I want to leave him...that I'm up to something...he thinks I'm plotting things. I told him I WANT TO BE WITH YOU! I love you! Why are you doing this? He said ...yeah, you want to be with me on YOUR terms.

 

I very rarely travel anymore because he doesn't like it. My income has gone down, and he complains about that too. But, I feel so stuck.

 

Should I have handled this differently?

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Your husband is being ridiculous! 2.5 hours is a p.i.t.a. but it's not "traveling" for business imo. To me that requires being an a plane. For him to pitch a fit because you had a business meeting is unfair. Since he was off a good partner would have taken the dog to the vet not complained because you got stuck in traffic & to accuse you of lying because you were 10 minutes late. Some else is really wrong here.

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shootingfromhip

I thought so... It's all about control. He says he doesn't want "his woman" traveling so much. This even happens when I'm with my daughter. I thought her volleyball practice was at 5. It was 5:30 instead. So I was a half hour late to get home last week... He said I lied about Our return time! I said I simply got the practice time wrong! He said I like to keep him "in the air" and he's sick of it.

 

I am simply a good woman who changes her schedule left and right to please him. But he says since (early in our relationship/dating) he discovered (by going through my computer) that i was talking via text go another guy/friend... I can't be trusted. This was forever ago but he uses that as a way to point out why he doesn't want me out of his sight.

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shootingfromhip

It was when we were 4 moths into dating. I just talked about possibly getting the kids together for a play date. I said would be good to see him. The guy at one point said he wondered what I looked like in swim suit. And I stopped communicating ...period.

 

But I had said something like "thinking of you..." He had just had a problem in his family.

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Should I have done something differently?

 

Yes. You should have married someone else.

 

This one is insecure, controlling, and feels entitled.

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It was when we were 4 moths into dating. I just talked about possibly getting the kids together for a play date. I said would be good to see him. The guy at one point said he wondered what I looked like in swim suit. And I stopped communicating ...period.

 

But I had said something like "thinking of you..." He had just had a problem in his family.

 

I hear you. I suspect you can probably also empathize with your H's anxiety at least to some extent.

 

Personally, I think that since your H subsequently married you, he should leave that incident in the past. If he had issues, they should have been resolved prior to marriage.

 

My point in focusing on this is that I think it's the core problem that still needs to be resolved. I strongly suggest marriage counseling to discuss this particular issue. In fact, I would insist upon it. Find a good one. Schedule an appointment when you know you'll both be available. If he refuses, tell him you either keep this appointment or you make one for yourself with a famiy law attorney, because you're not staying in a marriage like this permanently.

 

Unresolved resentment will kill a marriage. You're both getting there. Resolve it.

 

That's my $.02

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Yes. You should have married someone else.

 

This one is insecure, controlling, and feels entitled.

 

Perfectly said.

 

This man has zero excuse for behaving the way he did. Not one

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What were the texts to the guy/friend about?

 

The texts were mostly from her husband bugging her about the meeting.

 

I cannot think of a single legitimate excuse for him to behave this way.

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I thought so... It's all about control. He says he doesn't want "his woman" traveling so much. This even happens when I'm with my daughter. I thought her volleyball practice was at 5. It was 5:30 instead. So I was a half hour late to get home last week... He said I lied about Our return time! I said I simply got the practice time wrong! He said I like to keep him "in the air" and he's sick of it.

 

I am simply a good woman who changes her schedule left and right to please him. But he says since (early in our relationship/dating) he discovered (by going through my computer) that i was talking via text go another guy/friend... I can't be trusted. This was forever ago but he uses that as a way to point out why he doesn't want me out of his sight.

 

Respectfully to all men, this is BS.

 

You were early in dating, you were not married. He, like sadly many other men, is looking for something to hold over your head.

 

His anxiety is BS. You can try to assuage it if you want to, but I'm not sure it will work. Men like this have generally resolved in their heads that the wife is wrong because it keeps them from having to examine themselves.

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shootingfromhip

Oh sorry. Yes those texts were from him pouting that I wasn't texting him right away while in a meeting. And that I was still there ... 5 minutes past when I said I would leave to be home on time for him.

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shootingfromhip

I have tried to explain to him that I was doing my best and got back as soon as I could. But he said I promised something I obviously couldn't deliver.

 

Then another fight erupted because he walked in and saw me with one of my old credit cards. I had told it was closed. It is in my name only from before marriage.

 

I was secretly using it to buy his birthday present. I had already asked him last week to give me money because i didn't want him to see. He said no. He wasn't doing that.

 

So I used my old credit card. (Which I would pay). And he flipped out. Said again. I am a liar brcayse I told him it was closed. He says he felt very nervous about what I'm doing behind his back.

 

I says it is for your birthday. He said he didn't care. I lied.

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Oh sorry. Yes those texts were from him pouting that I wasn't texting him right away while in a meeting. And that I was still there ... 5 minutes past when I said I would leave to be home on time for him.

 

You had it right the first time. I was asking about the texts to/from the other guy/friend.

 

Autumnight could be right that he's just using that old incident as an excuse to exercise control over you. That's possible. It also could be that he has never really trusted you since that incident. And if you never took his anxiety seriously, it still needs to be resolved.

 

Either way, I think you should make a legitmate effort to eliminate that issue. Take away his ammunition. A marriage counselor can act as an objective third party in these kinds of disputes and call people out on their bullshlt.

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You had it right the first time. I was asking about the texts to/from the other guy/friend.

 

Autumnight could be right that he's just using that old incident as an excuse to exercise control over you. That's possible. It also could be that he has never really trusted you since that incident. And if you never took his anxiety seriously, it still needs to be resolved.

 

Either way, I think you should make a legitmate effort to eliminate that issue. Take away his ammunition. A marriage counselor can act as an objective third party in these kinds of disputes and call people out on their bullshlt.

 

I'm sorry, if he has hidden and held onto something so insignificant since their early dating days...he has a problem. This whole "she looked at someone else 10 years before we were exclusive" routine is getting old.

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I highly recommend therapy for you both and if he won't go for you. He is controlling and just plain annoying and I would be hard pressed not to just give into his little predictions and just walk. How do you tolerate the constant temper tantrums?

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You shouldn't have lied about the credit card no matter the excuse. Since your husband has such a problem with your working hours tell him you will quit and he can pay all the bills. Start standing up for yourself and don't allow him to talk down to you. It will get worse.

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ShatteredLady

I might be way, way, way off base here. I don't know your history. If this not trusting, accusing, crazy stuff is new, could he be up-to something wrong?

 

I'm asking because my H only seems to accuse me of things I'm completely innocent of when he's guilty of similar...

 

Do either of you have a history of cheating, lies etc? Is this grudge holding or just crazy?

 

You shouldn't be being treated like this by the one person who vowed to love, cherish & keep you safe. :(

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He's manipulating and controlling you, by making so much fuss and so much drama, that you'll happily do whatever he tells you to do just to shut him up for a while.

 

 

 

“There are those whose primary ability is to spin wheels of manipulation. It is their second skin and without these spinning wheels, they simply do not know how to function.”

 

― C. JoyBell C.

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Why are you allowing this?

 

You shouldn't.

 

He's controlling and makes you feel terrible - marriage is supposed to make each person feel amazing.

 

He looks abusive.

 

 

Please get help in getting out of this terrible Union. His behavior is not kind or loving!

 

 

He should have OFFERED to take the dog! He should be grateful you are willing to work hard!

 

 

Why are you allowing him to treat you so poorly? We train others how to treat us - and you need help by not allowing him to treat you this way any longer - or get out and away from him.

 

Make a decision - but please get help otherwise you're likely to choose the next man the same type.

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Why was your H concerned that you were travelling too much into that other town?

 

Why didn't you get your cheque? ya I read the reason you gave. But it doesn't stand. I mean you went to another town and bore all the hassles associated with it but didn't collect your money? Sorry can't believe it. My suspicion goes only higher because you told your husband that you will be getting the cheque that day. Your husband is already concerned that you are visiting that town too frequently. That cheque was your only proof and you return empty handed. And then you gaslight him by saying that you would have collected it if he wasn't hurrying you to get home.

 

Sorry, I can see where your husband is coming from

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shootingfromhip

Well the tough part about the credit card is that he gives me no access to money unless he approves it. He doesn't want me having my own checking account. That's what the card was tied to. It's a debit card. And I told him what I had done is returned some of my clothes purchases and had the refund put on there so I could buy his present.

 

That's why I don't think what I did was wrong.

 

 

You shouldn't have lied about the credit card no matter the excuse. Since your husband has such a problem with your working hours tell him you will quit and he can pay all the bills. Start standing up for yourself and don't allow him to talk down to you. It will get worse.
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Well the tough part about the credit card is that he gives me no access to money unless he approves it. He doesn't want me having my own checking account. That's what the card was tied to. It's a debit card. And I told him what I had done is returned some of my clothes purchases and had the refund put on there so I could buy his present.

 

That's why I don't think what I did was wrong.

 

You keep lying to him.

 

He's too controlling.

 

Stop with the lies.

 

Get counseling and start being a strong woman who isn't needing his approval.

 

He's being a jerk. Don't stay if it's unreasonable.

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shootingfromhip

I even shared my location on my phone. There was absolutely nothing to doubt me on.

 

 

Why was your H concerned that you were travelling too much into that other town?

 

Why didn't you get your cheque? ya I read the reason you gave. But it doesn't stand. I mean you went to another town and bore all the hassles associated with it but didn't collect your money? Sorry can't believe it. My suspicion goes only higher because you told your husband that you will be getting the cheque that day. Your husband is already concerned that you are visiting that town too frequently. That cheque was your only proof and you return empty handed. And then you gaslight him by saying that you would have collected it if he wasn't hurrying you to get home.

 

Sorry, I can see where your husband is coming from

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