Super Depressed

[Emerald_11]

Hi everyone!

I haven't posted on here in a long time.

Back a few months ago I told my husband I wanted to separate and just split our tax money and go our own ways. My husband was really sad and surprised when we talked about that. We went to one marriage counseling session and barely discussed anything. I think I was afraid to bring stuff up because I just met the counselor. It was more of a meet and greet meeting. My husband hasn't really been available for any other appointments. He acts like since we went to that one appointment everything is all better now.

Then when we got the tax money he spent all of it on a truck for his business against my wishes. He told me he would sell a different truck to get the money back but has not done that yet. He justifies that purchase by saying his business supports us and the truck was necessary. He does not bring up the fact that I asked him for half of the tax refund and I am choosing to not keep bringing it up because he gets really mad every time I have and there is no point because that money now = that truck.

He finally took me on a little vacation like I had been wanting to do. I thought it was good for us to spend time just the two of us But he later said that he didn't have a fun time because the lake we visited was not what he expected it to be....

I quit my job when my kids went on summer vacation to stay with them to avoid having to put them in daycare all summer long. It was my husbands idea for me to do that. I am glad I got to spend that time with my kids. Since they have gone back to school I have been applying for lots of jobs and have an interview later his week. It will be great to have my own money again. & not be so dependent.

My husband has been working full time and going out of town about a week out of every month. He says he has to wait up to 90 days to get paid for some of his work but when he gets paid its going to be thousands. So things have been really tight financially. Almost all of his employees have left him now due to the long wait for money in between pay days. I keep telling him he needs to set it up so he gets paid more regularly. All of our bills except rent are past due.

It is a subject that gets him all upset but I can't just ignore the fact that even though he works so much he isn't covering simple expenses anymore. I have been stuck at home with no gas to drive anywhere or money to spend on anything a lot.

I have been dog sitting my neighbors dog while he is working and taking the dogs on lots of walks when it is nice outside. I make things--arts & crafts stuff, & I recently taught myself how to knit watching you tube videos. Just to keep myself busy....I am home alone a lot now.

The other night we were invited to go out with friend of mine & some of her friends but my husband decided to stay home. When I got back at about 12:45 he had locked the door - I had to use my key...He was just sitting on the couch and was acting mad about the fact that I went out. I wasn't even drunk. My friend & I shared 2 pitchers of beer with her friend I had just met over the course of about 3 hours.

I didn't even spend any money that night. I really needed that time to talk and be in an adults only environment.

I feel like my husband wants to isolate me socially from other people and it makes me uncomfortable. I enjoy my friends because they actually care about things I have to say or what I think.

He stifles me...

 

 

Today he did not come home from work until almost 10 pm and he was really drunk. He was in a terrible mood & really mean. I guess he had a "work meeting" at a bar

Then he got sick in the bathroom and went straight to bed.

 

I just don't know what to do! I told him What I wanted months ago and he ignored it. He selfishly spent all of the money as a way to control me and trap me with him.

I tried to work on our relationship and for a minute I thought everything might be ok again....

but I just feel like the connection we once had might be gone forever....

 

I am in no position to move out anyplace because I have no $..

I really hope I get one of the jobs I applied for soon!

 

What should I do????

 

Feeling sad.

[TaraMaiden2]

You keep drawing lines in the sand, and he keeps stepping - no, actually, jumping huge great leaps - over them, and you put up with it.

 

What do you expect to change, if you don't change it?

[Emerald_11]

I want him to move out. I want to stay here with my kids so they can stay at the same school. My kids have a lot of friends in is neighborhood. I don't want to take that away from them.

I plan to have a job soon. I hope to be able to afford to pay the bills here without much help from him. But I realize I might need his help....

The way he acts makes me think that I may have to be the one to move out because he wont go willingly. It will be hard for me to get a place for me and my 2 kids but I am prepared to try if that's what has to happen.

My name is the only one on this house. I don't just want to give up my place to live.

I keep asking him about him selling the truck he said he would but I can see he really is not motivated to do that and is showing no signs of actually doing it.

I don't want him to be homeless..I will miss him..but I don't really want to keep living this way...behind the false front of a solid marriage.

[TaraMaiden2]

Your first course of action, therefore, to get the ball rolling, is to file for divorce, and joint custody.

Until he knows you are intent on not living like this any longer, he will continue on his own sweet way, and nothing will change.

[d0nnivain]

Step up your job search & talk to a lawyer sooner rather than later, especially about custody & child support.

[Popsicle]

Get a job first a foremost, then talk to a lawyer to find out your rights and responsibilities, then file. Do it in that order and be prepared for changes in your life. If you can't handle changes, you're not ready for divorce, so don't even bother talking or thinking about it.

[Mr. Lucky]

He told me he would sell a different truck to get the money back but has not done that yet.

 

Can you sell this other vehicle yourself to get your half of the return money?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Emerald_11]

No, it is in his name. He doesn't want to sell it. So now he has two trucks that are almost identical. He says if he uses one as a work truck only he can write off mileage and maintenance on it completely on taxes. The other is for personal use...I understand his thinking on this but at the same time it really is frustrating.

I'm just frustrated about a lot of things I guess.

[TaraMaiden2]

No, it is in his name. He doesn't want to sell it. So now he has two trucks that are almost identical. He says if he uses one as a work truck only he can write off mileage and maintenance on it completely on taxes. The other is for personal use...I understand his thinking on this but at the same time it really is frustrating.

I'm just frustrated about a lot of things I guess.

 

The question is: What are you going to do about it?

[Mr. Lucky]

No, it is in his name. He doesn't want to sell it. So now he has two trucks that are almost identical. He says if he uses one as a work truck only he can write off mileage and maintenance on it completely on taxes. The other is for personal use...I understand his thinking on this but at the same time it really is frustrating.

I'm just frustrated about a lot of things I guess.

 

Then I'd divert living expenses to pay money owed to you and tell him, if he wants a roof over his head, do as he promised and sell the vehicle.

 

As others have mentioned, at some point you have to stop whining/complaining and start standing your ground...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't want him to be homeless..I will miss him..but I don't really want to keep living this way...behind the false front of a solid marriage.

Let the careless fool live in one of his prized trucks, then.

[Emerald_11]

I'm doing a lot better. I start a new job tomorrow and I got my own secret bank account today. It's at the same bank as our other account though but I specifically said my husband is not to know about it. I'm thinking I need to get a whole different bank soon though... I had to set up direct deposit and really don't want him having access to the money.

I'm excited about my new job! Everyone seemed cool & easy to get along with.

My husband has been hard to deal with the last few days.

He has been slamming doors and yelling about nothing.

He was pissed that I got insurance on my car after not having it for about 6 months because I had to prove it today for my job. He freaked out! Because he wanted to pick out the insurance. I have only been reminding him that we needed to do that for months while I was forced to drive with my kids in the car with no insurace.

I'm not sorry I got insurance. He was upset it took money he wanted is all I can assume...

Im playing nice wife still..making nice dinners & getting along in front of the kids.

This smile is getting almost too hard to fake and I think he knows it...

He is now saying he wants to trade both trucks in on another really nice truck.. It makes me want to roll my eyes but I try to "be on his side as an advisor" I question why two paid off trucks is worth trading for one with a payment I know he cant afford.

I do think my husband is bi-polar.

He still does hydros and drinks beer everyday.

He won't stop acting this way.

We got married young. He was only 22.

Sometimes when you outgrow something it's painful at first.

 

I am at peace with what lies ahead and know my life will take the right path for me and my kids.

 

I feel so grateful for this job because of the freedom it makes possible for me.

[Emerald_11]

Then I'd divert living expenses to pay money owed to you and tell him, if he wants a roof over his head, do as he promised and sell the vehicle.

 

As others have mentioned, at some point you have to stop whining/complaining and start standing your ground...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Yes, I realize it may seem like I am a big cry baby wimp. You are right but I am getting stronger. I see things a lot more clearly. The input from everyone here helps.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, I realize it may seem like I am a big cry baby wimp. You are right but I am getting stronger. I see things a lot more clearly. The input from everyone here helps.

 

Everyone always knows what's right.

Even you do.

Implementing it safely, logically and to the advantage of those who need it most, takes time and strategy.

But keep going.

Little steps will get you there, just as much as huge strides will....

[MidwestUSA]

When you say hydros, you mean hydrocodone?

[Emerald_11]

When you say hydros, you mean hydrocodone?

 

Exactly. He puts them in a pill crusher and sniffs them up hid nose. Just about every day. I beieve he gets 7.5s

[MidwestUSA]

Exactly. He puts them in a pill crusher and sniffs them up hid nose. Just about every day. I beieve he gets 7.5s

 

 

Oh dear. You're doing the right thing. Hide your money and get out.

 

I had to do the same (altho it was meth). Took me five years. It's not as easy as everyone makes it sound. Strategic planning indeed.

 

You're in my prayers.

[Emerald_11]

The other night my husband was not doing good. I think it was a mental breakdown.

How it started was he tried to initiate sex with me. Then I wasnt too into it. We started talking and he asked me if I dont want him can he have sex with other people. I said yes and suggested a few people he could call. He then cried! I have only seen him cry a few times. So it is a rare thing. Then my husband began saying he wants to die and he was threatening to "blow his brains out" he accused me of having a boyfriend on the side. Which is not true. I stayed up really late basically just repeating the same comments over and over trying to calm him down. After he fell asleep I went to sleep. The next day when I was at my new job he kept texting me depressing messages. I did not respond. Then later I lied and said my phone had been in my car all day.

We talked again last night and he admitted he does not want me to have a job because he wants me to need him financially. I find that disturbing that he can't be happy for me because he doesn't want me to have my own money.

 

Last night my husbands mom called him saying his dad who is bi polar left the house on foot and very angry. He was missing all night. She called my husband this morning because his dad was found behind a restaurant and has apparently overdosed on drugs to the point he cannot walk. My husband went to help his mom get his dad to the hospital.

 

I see how my husbands dad acts and cannot imagine a

life with issues like this out of no where all the time.

 

I think my husband will become just like his dad as he gets older. Its not a pretty picture to look forward to.

Edited October 3, 2015 by Emerald_11

[TaraMaiden2]

The other night my husband was not doing good. I think it was a mental breakdown.

How it started was he tried to initiate sex with me. Then I wasnt too into it. We started talking and he asked me if I dont want him can he have sex with other people. I said yes and suggested a few people he could call. He then cried! I have only seen him cry a few times. So it is a rare thing. Then my husband began saying he wants to die and he was threatening to "blow his brains out" he accused me of having a boyfriend on the side. Which is not true. I stayed up really late basically just repeating the same comments over and over trying to calm him down. After he fell asleep I went to sleep. The next day when I was at my new job he kept texting me depressing messages. I did not respond. Then later I lied and said my phone had been in my car all day.

We talked again last night and he admitted he does not want me to have a job because he wants me to need him financially. I find that disturbing that he can't be happy for me because he doesn't want me to have my own money.

 

Last night my husbands mom called him saying his dad who is bi polar left the house on foot and very angry. He was missing all night. She called my husband this morning because his dad was found behind a restaurant and has apparently overdosed on drugs to the point he cannot walk. My husband went to help his mom get his dad to the hospital.

 

I see how my husbands dad acts and cannot imagine a

life with issues like this out of no where all the time.

 

I think my husband will become just like his dad as he gets older. Its not a pretty picture to look forward to.

 

I'm going to suggest a comment made by someone else, in response ro another post, on this forum, but the situation warrants it:

 

You're not a victim here, you're a volunteer.

 

You KNOW how toxic and dysfunctional this situation is, yet I see nothing in anything you say that determines what exactly you might want to implement to begin withdrawing.

You can't fix your husband, but you should also not be expected to give in to emotional blackmail such as blowing his brains out.

Harsh as it may seem, that might be a risk you have to take, but it's ultimately not YOUR responsibility to ensure he doesn't do anything stupid.

 

is he under a doctor?

A psychiatrist?

Is he on medication?

Shouldn't he be?

 

As a father, he has responsibility towards his children.

If you have a son, and your husband's condition goes - and remains - untreated, then maybe he - or one of your children, will also inherit this condition.

You don't want to have to deal with 'bookend' situations.

Please consider a strategy to get yourself and your children out of there.

 

Keep yourself safe, but think of what you can do now, to get out of this situation soon.

[Emerald_11]

I know I should do something soon. I wont get paid for about two weeks. Maybe I should file for a legal seperation / divorce and somehow order him to move out? Should I tell anyone before I do it? Or just find a lawyer to do this for me? I know my husband will act suprised but it really shouldn't be a very big surprise.

 

Right now I am just hanging in there. I can't wait to be free of this heavy burden and be happy.

I thought it might be a process that takes months but it would be better just to be done with it.

[TaraMaiden2]

I know I should do something soon. I wont get paid for about two weeks. Maybe I should file for a legal seperation / divorce and somehow order him to move out?

You'd have to discuss the finer points with a legal representative. I personally can't offer any information, as I'm in a different country....

 

Should I tell anyone before I do it? Or just find a lawyer to do this for me? I know my husband will act suprised but it really shouldn't be a very big surprise.

If I were you, if you are close to any family member, it wouldn't be a bad thing to confide in them, providing they can be discreet...

Your husband will be surprised to the extent that he won't actually be able to believe you've actually done it.

But do it, you must.

Find a lawyer who can help you....

 

Right now I am just hanging in there. I can't wait to be free of this heavy burden and be happy.

I thought it might be a process that takes months but it would be better just to be done with it.

we'd like that for you too. And yes, it would be better to just go ahead and do it....

But gather all the financial info you can, including info on those two damned-to-tarnation trucks!

[ShatteredLady]

I'm assuming you're in the USA.

 

Can I ask how he's getting Hydrocodone? The new laws (reschedule) means he needs a (monitored) paper prescription from his doctor every month & after 3 months he's supposed to be transferred to pain management.

 

Are you sure he's getting the prescription from a doctor? Is he buying off the street?

 

Does he have a legitimate need for the medication?

 

You can get him 'cut-off' very easily if it's prescription.

 

As a chronic pain sufferer it REALLY makes me angry when people abuse meds & make it even harder for people with legitimate pain to get the meds they need.

 

The way he's taking Hydrocodone tollerance (needing more & more) WILL be an issue. New laws mean a GP is basically criminal (bit complicated) if he continues to provide ever increasing amounts without cause.

 

THIS ADDICTION does explain a LOT!!

 

You can message me if you need more info.

[Emerald_11]

Shatteredlady I sent you a message but do not think I have access to private messaging on this site. He buys them from anyone he can and does not have a prescription. I don't think he needs them he just wants them. I realize the addiction issue explains a lot. What are the symptoms I should look for? I don't know if he can stop without help.

[TaraMaiden2]

Shatteredlady I sent you a message but do not think I have access to private messaging on this site....

 

Messaging privileges are only activated after a period of time has passed/a number of posts have been achieved.

You've not been a member long enough yet.....

 

Sorry....

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry. I replied in detail to your message. Sorry you can't access it here. I know this isn't an addiction forum, I'll try to make it quick....

 

Basically the way he is taking the hydro's makes addiction & other issues far more severe. It's about blood plasma levels of the narcotic. He's constantly getting high AND going into withdrawals with makes him almost like a multiple personality. If you don't have a stable blood plasma (how narcotics are meant to be taken for pain) he WILL need more & more (check bank balances & cash withdrawals) he WILL have impulse control issues. He WILL be grumpy & not very rational. He needs the hydro to just feel ok, healthy. His body NEEDS it. When his body doesn't get it he will suffer anxiety, depression, sleepiness, mood swings.

 

Statistics say you can be completely addicted in as little as 2 weeks of regular (normal) use.

 

Becoming obsessed with buying stuff & feeling guilty for buying it & researching 'better' stuff to buy is common. It's about getting locked into patterns. Even if he gets the 'better truck' he will again research & again convince himself that buying different is a GREAT idea. Narcotic addicts have lots of GREAT ideas!

 

Narcotic addiction is bad. Hydrocodone is mixed with Tylenol (abuse deterrent mostly) snorting Tylenol is VERY BAD. Tylenol will destroy his nasal passages (& more) & too much WILL shut down his liver & kill him. The 2nd number indicates how much Tylenol is in the pill. The first number 7.5 is the narcotic.

 

Switching to taking it orally, broken up, a little throughout the day & then titrating down will make it easier to stop. He has to want to stop.

 

If you want to private message an email address I can answer questions & send you links for info.

 

Taken PROPERLY chronic pain patients can live improved lives. These meds are wonderful. They give lives back. Abusing narcotics destroys lives. Not just the addict but everyone around them. Don't fall for the 'educated' arguement that people can take narcotics for 30-40 years without problems. Real patients DON'T get high. It's a world of difference!