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He called me "sister"


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remorseful_tab

We are gettung divorced. The process is still ongoing...

 

The next weekend H would spend at his parents. And our son spends the weekend with him. So its understood that my son will be spending the weekend at his grandparents. Good for him.

 

But then my H tells me that he will be bringing his new gf to meet his parents this weekend. That means my son will also be meeting his new gf. We started having a huge argument about why I did not feel was right to introduce our son to his gf.

 

And in the middle of the argument the m@therf%cker tells me "Calm down sister. Its not like I will be telling our son 'meet your new stepmother' "

 

I immediately call him on that and ask that I was his sister now? So our son must be his nephew? So was he asking for permission from his sister to let his nephew meet his new gf?

 

He said thats not what he meant. It just an expression that came out of his mouth. And in the end it was decided our son would stay the weekend with me.

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GorillaTheater

"Sister" was a fairly popular expression used up until the 60s; "brother" was used in much the same way, i.e. "brother, can you spare a dime". You hear it used pretty frequently in old movies.

 

I use it occasionally, generally in a kind of smart-ass way I imagine your ex was using it.

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But then my H tells me that he will be bringing his new gf to meet his parents this weekend. That means my son will also be meeting his new gf. We started having a huge argument about why I did not feel was right to introduce our son to his gf.

In this regard, you have no say in when/how/why your Ex starts introducing other people to your child.

 

It was a fruitless argument and one you will just have to let go of...

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Interesting......he suddenly is leaving after 8 years of trying, and he already has a girlfriend to introduce.

 

Interesting.

 

I guess many of us were right.

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Interesting......he suddenly is leaving after 8 years of trying, and he already has a girlfriend to introduce.

 

Interesting.

 

I guess many of us were right.

 

I haven't read OP other threads, so now I'm curious, right about what?

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Cliff Notes: She cheated on him years ago. He gave her a second chance. He suddenly gives up on the marriage, years later, citing he can't get past that event. Now it's going to divorce. She wants to reconcile. He doesn't. He has a girlfriend.

 

That should be about it.

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And in the middle of the argument the m@therf%cker tells me "Calm down sister. Its not like I will be telling our son 'meet your new stepmother' "

 

I immediately call him on that and ask that I was his sister now? So our son must be his nephew? So was he asking for permission from his sister to let his nephew meet his new gf?

 

He said thats not what he meant. It just an expression that came out of his mouth. And in the end it was decided our son would stay the weekend with me.

 

You're new to the process but you'll eventually learn that, unless you carefully pick your battles, everything will be a crisis. In the beginning my ex-wife and I bickered over everything from the meaning of "afternoon" to the clothes our son wore going back to her house.

 

Eventually we settled down and became pretty good co-parents. As CarrieT says, there's parts you simply have to let go of and understand your world is different now...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Amateur psychologist here...;)

 

I think you're fixating on the 'sister' comment as a way of cloaking your real anger at him for divorcing you. I imagine that deep down you know that you have no right to be angry at him for divorcing you since you were the one who committed adultery. You feel like a woman scorned even though you know it's not rational given the circumstances. Then again I could be wrong, but it's something to think about. It's always a good idea to question your own motives IMO. :)

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On another item here, not to side track the question however interesting that he is choosing to take the GF to his parents as opposed to taking his weekend with the kids and letting them spend time with him and the grandparents. Wonder how the kids feel about this?

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I haven't read OP other threads, so now I'm curious, right about what?

 

Whether or not he had a GF prior to deciding to divorce.

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I am certain being called sister hurt. You don't want the divorce. You tried for 8 years. It didn't work.

 

And there is probably zero doubt he had this new gal in the wings before he filed, but because wrong is only wrong if you didn't do it first, your hurt is pretty much dismissed.

 

No surprise there.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. You very bad choice 8 years ago should not preclude you from empathy now.

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From what I remember the OP's H met this new gf after he filed for divorce and he was honest about it. So I don't see any wrongdoing from his part. And I'm amazed with people who want to bash this poor man once again for making choices of his life. He was kind enough to waste 8 years of his life so his son grows up inside a family. Lets give him a break. The OP needs to understand that this man is not her H anymore - in the contrary she seems to still want to control his every move with the excuse of "the kid". She should focus on her son, to make him feel secure in the new situation and stop obsessing with her xH.

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I am certain being called sister hurt. You don't want the divorce. You tried for 8 years. It didn't work.

 

And there is probably zero doubt he had this new gal in the wings before he filed, but because wrong is only wrong if you didn't do it first, your hurt is pretty much dismissed.

 

Maybe, maybe not.

 

Remember he has been disconnecting and detaching for a long time - maybe even for 8 years.

 

It's certainly possible he was seeing this gal before he announced his intention to divorce, but it's also possible he wasn't. I'm not sure it really matters either way.

 

Even if he wasn't seeing her before the announcement, it was clear from post#1 that he was done with the marriage and announcing it to her was just a formality.

 

He may have asked the other gal out on their date the next morning for all we know.

 

People typically don't have an issue on Monday, decide to divorce on Tuesday, announce their intentions to their STBX on Wednesday and file on Thursday.

 

Many spend YEARS disconnecting, making plans, settling up their new life and then file once everything is in place.

 

Often times filing for divorce is the final act of separation, not the first.

 

Either way it doesn't really matter if he was seeing her for months or years before filing or if he met her the next day, what's done is done here.

 

Would I introduce my kids to a new GF this soon after leaving their mom? No, I wouldn't. But I know a couple that knew deep down they'd be together on their first date and introduced all their kids together and went on a group outing with both sets of kids on their second date. It worked for them.

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It is always interesting to me that people say there is no justification for an affair. And then when a spouse has played at reconciliation for 8 years and likely has someone in the wings, somehow THAT is fine.

 

Call me silly and block and white, but if you are married and find someone else, that IS an affair...unless it's one of those "it's all over put the paper signing" things....which this wasn't.

 

OP, I am sorry you are hurting, and I am sorry that the bad choice you paid for for 8 YEARS is STILL being used to dismiss your hurt.

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....and in regards to the sister comment. It's just an expression. He may have been getting a little snarky, but it didn't have any deeper meaning.

 

It may have triggered you and rubbed you wrong, but that is going to happen a thousand more times in the upcoming months.

 

Divorces and shuffling off kids is a very emotional and very sensitive time.

 

You're gonna get pissed off many more times before this is all over.

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Call me silly and block and white, but if you are married and find someone else, that IS an affair...unless it's one of those "it's all over put the paper signing" things....which this wasn't.

 

 

It you see I think for him it IS one of those times when it's all over but the signing.

 

I think for him it has been over for a long long time.

 

It's certainly possible he was seeing her before announcing the D, but he may have been so detached and disconnected that for him, he was able to file for D on one day and move right in to dating someone else the next.

 

Everyone has their own moral compass on the morality of when dating is ok after filing for D but in his eyes, he could've been done with the marriage long ago and dating was just another item on the 'to-do' list the next day.

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It you see I think for him it IS one of those times when it's all over but the signing.

 

I think for him it has been over for a long long time.

 

It's certainly possible he was seeing her before announcing the D, but he may have been so detached and disconnected that for him, he was able to file for D on one day and move right in to dating someone else the next.

 

Everyone has their own moral compass on the morality of when dating is ok after filing for D but in his eyes, he could've been done with the marriage long ago and dating was just another item on the 'to-do' list the next day.

 

Probably so. Too bad he didn't have the character to tell her sooner.

 

I was done with my marriage in 2010. If only I'd know it was okay to date then.........of course, my then husband had no idea, but as long as I knew, right?

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Probably so. Too bad he didn't have the character to tell her sooner.

 

I was done with my marriage in 2010. If only I'd know it was okay to date then.........of course, my then husband had no idea, but as long as I knew, right?

 

I agree with what you are saying in principle. People 'should' communicate their dissatisfaction and their issues with their spouse and they 'should' make them aware of what the stakes are if things don't improve.

 

I'm with ya 100% on that one.

 

But the problem is many people DO discuss it with their spouse. You see someone here every day that says they talked to their spouse about or even sought MC about it and then two weeks later everything was right back to the status quo.

 

Then there are thousands of cases a year where people do try to discuss it but the other partner just hears blah blah blah whine whine whine and it all goes over their heads. They see their lips move but don't really hear what they're saying.

 

In regards to when it's ok to start dating, I don't know the particulars of your case, but in this case if I remember right, Mr RT reported that he didn't start dating this other gal untill after he had announced his intentions of divorce, had moved out and she had been served with papers.

 

I know some people think dating before the divorce is finalized is completely unacceptable and is adultry.

 

IMHO once papers have been served and its been made perfectly clear that the leaving partner is moving on with their life, then all bets are off and anything goes.

 

Yes it will cause hurt feelings and ratchet up the drama and chaos and cause various other people to get in a tither, but there's no actual foul.

 

This also gives RT the "all-clear" to get out and start dating too, should she wish to do so. She didn't have trouble getting dudes when she had a husband at home taking care of a baby, so I don't see why it should be a problem now that she is a single woman who has the house all to herself half the time.

 

I personally think she should start getting out and having some fun and doing what she enjoys on the days he has the son. It doesn't have to be actual dating per se if she's not up that point yet, but there is no reason she should be sitting home stewing about this. She can get out with friends or pursue some hobbies or do whatever. She has been relieved of her marital obligations and is now an adult, single woman and is free to do as she pleases.

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I was done with my marriage in 2010. If only I'd know it was okay to date then.........of course, my then husband had no idea, but as long as I knew, right?

 

Has the OP said that her spouse admitted to dating this woman before starting the divorce process? :confused: If not then I don't see how he's behaving in a deceptive way. He told her he's done with the marriage and that there was no fixing it. Isn't that what almost everybody here recommends to anybody that says they want to have an affair?

 

Personally I don't think either of them should be dating anybody until the divorce is finalized. I know that's not a very popular opinion nowadays, but it's what I believe in. Having said that, I can also see why so many people who have been cheated on see the marriage as nothing more than a piece of paper after adultery. That's the chance people take when they introduce an affair into the marriage equation.

 

Regardless, the OP is gonna have to deal with things like this for the foreseeable future. Eventually this GF or some other GF will be introduced to her child and as much as it sucks she will have to deal with another woman becoming a permanent part of her and her kids life at some point.

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I guess I'm just not seeing how the continual "yep, you got what you deserved, cheater," lines are helping the OP (who came here hurting) at this point. Seems to me like an axe to grind instead of an attempt to help.

 

Or are imperfect people not allowed compassion?

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