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wife's libido after first child


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My daughter is going to turn one year old next month. Raising a child has been a joy for both my wife and myself. It goes without saying that it takes almost 100% of your time and effort. Thus, I've noticed that quality and frequency of sex has declined. It's not bad. I'm still getting sex. I just feel like the horny passion is gone.

 

My wife has been breast feeding and plans to stop soon. I've read that when women stop breast feeding their libido's have a tendency to rise due to hormone levels. I'm wondering if there are any women in here who can testify to this? Any advice on what I can do personally would help too.

 

We are both around 30 y/o. I've always heard that women hit their sexual prime in their mid 30's. I'm waiting for my wife to hit hers but I'm not so sure it's going to come. Since we've been married our sex life has been stagnant.... not really getting better but not getting worse either. The only time I would say my wife was actually "horny" was when we were dating.

 

I've often talked to her about this. She claims nothing has changed and I'm just making it up in my head. I disagree.

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I doubt you trying to convince her she's wrong about her view will make her more horny.

 

I have also heard that about women who stop nursing. I can't really testify because I was in a sex starved marriage so I always wanted more than he did.

 

I would see what happens once the nursing has stopped. If there is no change or a decline, try romance before you try accusations. If that doesn't work, try bold honesty. If that doesn't work, try counseling.

 

If 5 years from now you are having sex 3-5 times a year...ignore the people who tell you to hang in there and it;s your fault ;)

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Breastfeeding cessation may impact her libido some. I've never noticed a difference, I've asked some friends, nobody felt any surge in their desire for sex. For me it was when the baby slept through the night regularly, so times with teething or cold, or in the young stages when the baby's schedule is all over the place, sleep > most everything else.

 

I think that's pretty normal. Sleep deprivation isn't fun or sexy lol. Is your wife a sahm? Does she have a good group of friends that also have young kids? Do you two go on dates regularly?

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Breastfeeding cessation may impact her libido some. I've never noticed a difference, I've asked some friends, nobody felt any surge in their desire for sex. For me it was when the baby slept through the night regularly, so times with teething or cold, or in the young stages when the baby's schedule is all over the place, sleep > most everything else.

 

I think that's pretty normal. Sleep deprivation isn't fun or sexy lol. Is your wife a sahm? Does she have a good group of friends that also have young kids? Do you two go on dates regularly?

 

Yes, she is a sahm. She doesn't necessarily have a group of moms to hang out with but she will, and is starting to make connections. She is a social person so I'm not worried about that part. When you have your first kid the people you hang out with change. I think that's what you're getting at but I don't make the connection what that has to do with sex?

 

Anyway, I understand about the sleep part. My wife sleeps any chance she gets. I do try to help out around the house as much as I 'can'. I do help out with laundry, cleaning and do the dishes almost every night.

 

Date nights have become few and far between. Now the baby is the center of everything. I don't want to come across as unhappy. I love my wife, kid, and marriage. It's just that I wish there was a little more spark in the bedroom.

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I've read that when women stop breast feeding their libido's have a tendency to rise due to hormone levels. I'm wondering if there are any women in here who can testify to this? Any advice on what I can do personally would help too.

 

When I had kids I don't think my libido changed at all. What did change was I was freaking TIRED all the time. There was no time for sex.... I would have been thrilled to be doing it all the time...if there was time to do it.

 

So..as far as what you could do personally to help the situation? My advice is to figure out a way for her to get more sleep. LOL

 

Leaking milk boobs mean it is very very hard to have horny passion. If you want horny passion you might need to help create it. Think date nights, romance, courting. Foreplay should start hours before you want sex - - it can be in the form of text or notes telling her what you want to do tonight...and you should make the effort to make plans for someone to come babysit the baby and take her out to dinner after she feeds the baby.

 

Good luck!

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Think date nights, romance, courting. Foreplay should start hours before you want sex - - it can be in the form of text or notes telling her what you want to do tonight...and you should make the effort to make plans for someone to come babysit the baby and take her out to dinner after she feeds the baby.

 

Good luck!

 

I think overall, date nights would be the best place to start.

 

I tried the romance thing but that doesn't work much. The last two times I tried foreplay via text (we always used to do that) she never even responded.

 

I might catch hell for saying this, but her sleep deprivation is partially her fault. Baby goes down to sleep at 7:00 but wife will stay up till midnight. Then the next morning sleep till 9:00 (between feedings) and let the baby play around the room while she sleeps (room is infant proof). So she is missing the timeframe for a quality nights sleep. I understand everyone needs self-time to unwind, but if I was so tired I would choose a good nights sleep over other things.

 

I work full time. I go to bed before my wife (normally) and leave the house in the morning before either one are awake. I'm refreshed because I choose to adjust my sleep habits according to my needs.

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When I was a kid my dad came home with a kitten one from work that someone was trying to get rid of. That kitten and I would play and chase each other around the house all day. Every day when I'd get home from school it would meet me at the door and we would play and rough house the rest if the evening.

 

One day it was acting funny and would be crawling around with its @$$ it the air rubbing itself on everything and making weird noises all day and night. It wouldn't really play with me, it would just back up to the furniture and rub its @$$ against it. I asked my mom what was wrong with it and she informed me in somewhat disgust that it was in heat and told me what "heat" was.

 

Not long after that someone opened the front door and the cat dart out between their legs and was gone. I was scared and worried and spent days searching the neighborhood for it but to no avail.

 

Then one day it showed back up at the door like nothing had happened.

 

It really wouldn't play with me though and was just roaming around the house like it was looking for something.

 

A few weeks later we noticed her growing belly.

 

And of course some time after that she scrapped out a little of kittens in the dirty laundry hamper.

 

The kittens were cute but I kept trying to play with the mother cat but she would never play with me. The kittens grew and dad found them homes and they were gone but the mother cat still never played me anymore.

 

She never met me at the door anymore. She played me anymore and would never want to sleep on my bed anymore. She was a different cat in the same body.

 

One day I told mom about it and told her all my frustrations with the cat.

 

She told me that she was now a mother and would never again be the fun, frolliky, carefree kitten she once was. She told me once a mother has babies, she is never again the same animal that waits by the door for you and plays with you untill cuddling up to go to sleep at night. Her world was now filled with other things and her "playfully" hormones were flushed away by all her mother hormones.

 

I was bummed but life went on. Sometime the cat would rub up against my leg and want to be petted. Some times it would cuddle with me for a little while. And occasionally it would even sleep with me. But they days of my being her world and playing with me all day were gone forever.

 

22 years later the exact same thing happened when my daughter was born. The playful kitten that looked at me as the center of her world and played with me all day was gone forever.

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I think overall, date nights would be the best place to start.

 

I tried the romance thing but that doesn't work much. The last two times I tried foreplay via text (we always used to do that) she never even responded.

 

I might catch hell for saying this, but her sleep deprivation is partially her fault. Baby goes down to sleep at 7:00 but wife will stay up till midnight. Then the next morning sleep till 9:00 (between feedings) and let the baby play around the room while she sleeps (room is infant proof). So she is missing the timeframe for a quality nights sleep. I understand everyone needs self-time to unwind, but if I was so tired I would choose a good nights sleep over other things.

 

I work full time. I go to bed before my wife (normally) and leave the house in the morning before either one are awake. I'm refreshed because I choose to adjust my sleep habits according to my needs.

 

Ask her to go to bed with you when you go to bed. She doesn't have to STAY in bed, but you should make that time together to talk, cuddle, and have sex.

 

That's what we did when I was a SAHM and my H got up super early for work. I needed some separation between the baby going to bed and us going to bed (I felt touched out if I put the baby down and H was immediately trying to touch me, gah!), but after an hour to chill and get online or whatever, I felt ready to have that intimate time with H.

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22 years later the exact same thing happened when my daughter was born. The playful kitten that looked at me as the center of her world and played with me all day was gone forever.

 

 

I'll be frank, it sucked. It was a hard pill to swallow. I had gotten used to a string of playful kittens and now I was yoked to no-nonsense adult mother who's priority in life was taking care of her babies and not playing and cuddling with me.

 

In your case the frequency has declined. In my case it basically stopped and when we did find the time and wherewithal to be together, the quality had dropped clear off the charts. It was like trying to make love to an alien that had taken over my wife's body and that alien had no particular love, attraction or desire for me.

 

The sucky part is a couple years later when we did start getting a wee bit of the moon back, lo and behold here comes our son and it was another two years before the dead fires started to glow and flicker a little again.

 

I made all the mistakes and did all the whining and bitching and attempted negotiating. That just made it worse. I would dream of divorcing and moving on. I would dream and fantasize about having an affair and getting a FB/FWB.

 

I would get envious when I'd hear of some married guy getting a FWB behind his wife's back, but that just wasn't how I was raised.

 

Eventually things got tolerable again.

 

Then they got OK.

 

Then they got good.

 

Then there was even a number of years of awesome, but there was some extenuating circumstances.

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GunslingerRoland

I agree with xxoo, it sounds like a double whammy with her staying up hours after you go to bed.

 

#1) If you guys aren't in bed together... sex clearly isn't going to happen at the time it most naturally occurs.

#2) She's staying up late and ending up exhausted, which sounds like 100% her own fault.

 

Parenthood isn't easy, but if you guys have a baby that sleeps for 14 hours overnight with just a small feeding or so, and you do as much as it sounds like do as the father, I think your wife has it as good as it's going to get.

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Also, don't make things worse by panicking. It's NORMAL for sex to slump a bit after the birth of a baby. There's the hormones, the fatigue, the baby filling up her "touch" quotient, etc. Babies don't stay babies. Protect your relationship, establish a couple bed time, be sweet to each other, enjoy each other, and don't worry that she isn't super horny right not. Normal. It comes back. Make sure your relationship is in a good place when it does :)

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If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I'd do many things differently.

 

For starters my wife swears she had a riproaring case of post partum depression that neither she nor anyone else caught on to or diagnosed. We are both medical professionals but we chalked it up to being tired and no sleep and we had moved across the country to a new city a handful of months before DD was born.

 

When she got pregnant with DS (unplanned) she decided she was moving back home with or without me. I capitulated and moved back with her and was unemployed with a pregnant wife living with her parents for 6 weeks.

 

DS was born 6 weeks premature and was in NICU for 3 weeks.

 

We just thought everything was stress and change of environment.

 

If I could go back in time, I'd look into to other things besides stress and get her treated for her PP depression.

 

I would also help out more with the kids so she wasn't so overwhelmed. In actuality I was a good and involved father and I did do things around the house. But I needed to do a lot more than I did to take some of the load off of her.

 

Probably the main thing I would've done differently is not done all the whining and bitching about sex. That created resentment and bitterness in her towards me and towards sex in general.

 

The only thing else I can offer other than don't whine, don't bitch and provide her with as much support and help as possible is be loving without expectation of sex in return and be fit, good looking, well groomed, well dressed and as sexy as possible.

 

Many men get fat, lazy and slovenly after years of marriage and children. If no other woman would to fck you, neither will your wife.

 

Other than that, it's just something you have to live through and come out the other side.

 

I can get better if you don't screw it up. But it will probably never be like it was before the kids came. That playful kitten is gone forever once she becomes a mother.

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don't worry that she isn't super horny right not. Normal. It comes back. Make sure your relationship is in a good place when it does :)

 

We were posting at the same time.

 

I think you said this better. It does come back to a degree. It is important for the relationship to be in a good place when it comes back.

 

Ours really wasn't. It was just enough to get by and things gradually improved over time and worked out. It could've gone either way though.

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I've always heard that women hit their sexual prime in their mid 30's. I'm waiting for my wife to hit hers but I'm not so sure it's going to come.

I never had a child, but my libido was dead during my 30s and skyrocketed in my 40s.

 

Just an FYI...

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And finally....

 

IMHO I think what spells the difference between couples that survive kids and the ones who don't are how much each individual loves and respects and admires and loves the person that their spouse becomes after the baby arrives.

 

Using my cat story as analogy, if the husband misses the playful kitten too much and doesn't really like the brooding mother cat - there's going to be big problems.

 

And if the wife doesn't like and respect and appreciate the husband because he's wanting to play and frolic all the time when the baby needs fed and changed - there's going to be even bigger problems.

 

Before we went through this, I could never understand why a man would leave his wife or how he could cheat on her.

 

And I could never understand why a woman would get so bitter and contemptuous and disrespectful towards her husband.

 

Now I understand perfectly.

 

I not only understand, but I am downright amazed we were able to dodge that bullet.

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And just a quick FYI, when our DS was about 6 months old and appeared to be out of the woods, I marched down to the urologists office and had the plumbing disconnected. I walked in and said, "you gotta disconnect those things and make sure they only shoot blanks forever!!!!!!"

 

At that point I was never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever having any more kids again.

 

I understand fully and completely well why middle aged men leave their wives for younger single women. Maybe I even understand too well if you know what I mean.

 

 

But God as my witness I will never in a quatrillion bazillion years understand why they leave their first wife and kids to marry another woman and have babies with her and go through it all over again!

 

Pure insanity!!!!!!!

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I tried the romance thing but that doesn't work much. The last two times I tried foreplay via text (we always used to do that) she never even responded.

 

Don't confuse foreplay with romance. They are 2 different things.

 

As for it being her fault she is tired blah blah....minds and bodies of new mothers are weird. My 2nd slept for 12 or so hours by 5 months....but screamed most of the rest of the time. I couldn't just go to bed because he did. I was wound so tight it sometimes took hours to be able to settle.

 

I think any version of "she brought it on herself" in respect to a new mommy is probably gonna go over like a giant hormonal lead balloon. Don't go there. :D

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Hello, just gave birth to a baby back in June, part time SAHM (work on the weekends), and am also currently breastfeeding. All women are going to be impacted differently with hormones, so it is very difficult to give a definitive answer, plus lifestyle plays into it as well. I haven't really heard anything so much about sex after breastfeeding, moreso sex after pregnancy and baby.

 

In my case I went from average horny before pregnancy, to every second of the day horny while pregnant. I was masturbating 2-3 times a day and then having sex with my SO. After baby I (sadly) lost the urge to masturbate, and feel like my libido has gone down to slightly above what it was pre-pregnancy. I had an easy birth and attempted to have sex at 4 and 5 weeks, but in the end we waited the full 6 weeks for intercourse.

 

SO has several projects that are due by the spring, and being with baby has cut into our sex life, but we try to do it as often as possible when she is asleep. If anything, our sex life has become more passionate because we don't get to do it as often.

 

The one noticeable change is that I do not get as wet as I did before pregnancy. My doctor said this will be the norm for at least 6 months, while my hormones level out. That being said, KY is always on hand, lol. We have a bottle in the upstairs and downstairs bathroom.

 

I hope the urge to masturbate comes back after breastfeeding. I kind of do miss those times. :o

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I can get better if you don't screw it up. But it will probably never be like it was before the kids came. That playful kitten is gone forever once she becomes a mother.

 

I don't know about gone forever. Our kids are older now, H handled the slumps just about perfectly (loving, understanding, playfully), and I'm quite kitten-ish these days. :bunny: I call him my boyfriend :love:

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I don't know about gone forever. Our kids are older now, H handled the slumps just about perfectly (loving, understanding, playfully), and I'm quite kitten-ish these days. :bunny: I call him my boyfriend :love:

 

Right. As a guy you have to be patient, weather the storm and perhaps love thyself a lot

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Another thing....I can't think of anything much more gross than sexting while taking care of a baby. She needs to get AWAY from the baby to get into that mind space.

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Another thing....I can't think of anything much more gross than sexting while taking care of a baby. She needs to get AWAY from the baby to get into that mind space.

 

Also women are often sore down there after birth so being poorly endowed can help in this case to mitigate pain. Maybe try that, lol

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I don't know about gone forever. Our kids are older now, H handled the slumps just about perfectly (loving, understanding, playfully), and I'm quite kitten-ish these days. :bunny: I call him my boyfriend :love:

 

The libido isn't gone forever, it comes back to a degree. Some woman almost to to prebaby levels, for some women a lot less and for some a way lot less.

 

I'm sure somewhere out there there are a few it even comes back more.

 

But what's gone forever is the kitten that sees you as the center of its world and wants to play and frolic and have fun with you every day.

 

If a guy simply wants to be the center of his girl's attention and wants to play and frolic and have sex all the time, he needs to get the plumbing disconnected right then and there. Men that are self-oriented and all about themselves, should never make babies. It will make them miserable and they in turn will make everyone else miserable.

 

I'm sure there are women the same way. Same thing applies to them.

 

If I could change the world, I'd make it ok for people to choose to not have kids and there would be no societal pressure and expectation to procreate and everyone's grandmother and nosey aunts would accept that some people are not parent material and let the individual determine if they want to have kids or not.

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TrustedthenBusted

I'm pretty convinced that the whole " women hit their sexual peak in their 30's" thing only refers to single women, with no kids, on Holiday weekends or work retreats, after some drinks, way before their period, and after a breakup.

 

or something like that.

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