sheberiding Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 (edited) So I just want to start this off by saying I am cool with my wife's sexual past and have no retro-jealousy around the dudes she's slept with and never ask her about her numbers. However, she recently insisted I attend a birthday party for our neighbors kids as their children and our kids are friends, so I thought. Before we went in their house she told me it was going to a bit awkward because this guy she made out with and gave a hand job to was a friend of our neighbor and he would be there also. Now. I really resent having to meet the man she gave a hand job to at some party way back when. I am angry that she insisted on me going so she would feel more comfortable if he saw she was married. I ended up *having to shake this short fat bozo's hand and it just made me angry because this is something I would never ask her to do and I know from past experience that not only would she not go to a social event where there was an ex of mine she didn't let me go. However, this was a guy from a party not even a relationship so I'm sure she felt bad. Again my kids are there, this guy, his wife all thinking the same thing, I know because my neighbor told me afterwards. He told me that this bozo also got oral and had sex with my wife that night. Again the past is the past but I have boundaries and I let my wife know I didn't appreciate having to be there. We discussed and I further had to deal her emotional break down around how this is effecting her marriage. I explained that's not why I'm pissed at her but rather I just didn't appreciate being around this guy and that I believe her when she said it was just a hand job but she didn't really get it. Edited September 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T Link to post Share on other sites
MrBojangles Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 No doubt this was a very awkward event for you AND her. But she is your wife, and that was in her past. If you truly have no retro jealousy issues at play here, then screw what these people think about your wife! Good for your wife, that she's mature enough to not let a PAST sexual escapade ruin your family's attendance at an event for the children's enjoyment. Why should your wife or any other woman carry the shame for enjoying a fleeting sexual encounter in the past, and have to hide due to that shame? You said that this man and his wife were thinking of your wife as a "slut". Well... what does that make this man whom accepted a hand job and sex from a strange woman, that HE wasn't in a relationship with, that HE met at a party? Does anyone consider him a "man slut" or a "dog" for sleeping with your now wife in the past? A bit of a double standard here IMO. Please don't beat your wife up over this, or her past. Support her and comfort her through this difficult time. It's not fair that she should be expected to hide from her past, and the man involved with her past sexual escapade be viewed as an saintly participant. By the way, why the hell is your neighbor relaying salacious details to you regarding your wife's sexual past? In doing such a thing, how much does this neighbor respect you or your wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheberiding Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 (edited) Please don't beat your wife up over this, or her past. Support her and comfort her through this difficult time. It's not fair that she should be expected to hide from her past, and the man involved with her past sexual escapade be viewed as an saintly participant. By the way, why the hell is your neighbor relaying salacious details to you regarding your wife's sexual past? In doing such a thing, how much does this neighbor respect you or your wife? I think you are applying a double standard here because I am male, I have read so many similar posts where the reverse was the case and the husband was vilified. I believe in don't ask don't tell, when it comes to past sexual encounters. The only thing I don't appreciate is being made to go and be around this bozo. My boundaries were violated. I have a right to feel the way I do. I have a choice and I chose to be annoyed. With respect to my neighbor, someone lied maybe it was her maybe it's him. Again I don't really care what happened, I appreciate the truth. Edited September 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Inflammatory ~T Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 No offense but she sounds kind of immature. Not to mention naive while trying to be manipulative. Emotional breakdown how? Does she not recognize this is a situation of her own making? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheberiding Posted September 18, 2015 Author Share Posted September 18, 2015 No offense but she sounds kind of immature. Not to mention naive while trying to be manipulative. Emotional breakdown how? Does she not recognize this is a situation of her own making? That' kind of what I thought it was a strange response given that she didn't do this other times when we encountered her past flings and flames. I'm going to chalk it up to stress. She did admit that there is no way she would have gone if the situation was reversed, but didn't seem to care that she crossed my boundaries. I guess her needs out weigh mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 18, 2015 Share Posted September 18, 2015 Again my kids are there, this guy, his wife all thinking the same thing, I know because my neighbor told me afterwards. He told me that this bozo also got oral and had sex with my wife that night. Wow, I'm really confused. Are parent's sexual histories common topics of conversation at kid's birthday parties in your neighborhood? Seems like a lot of discussion that has nothing to do with cake and ice cream. The neighbor that couldn't wait to dish the dirt would be off my friend's list ASAP. Were I ever to see the fat bozo again, I'd let him know I'd clean his clock if my wife's name ever passed his lips. If this whole thing predates you, not sure why you're blaming her for these two jerks from her past... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheberiding Posted September 18, 2015 Author Share Posted September 18, 2015 Wow, I'm really confused. Are parent's sexual histories common topics of conversation at kid's birthday parties in your neighborhood? Seems like a lot of discussion that has nothing to do with cake and ice cream. The neighbor that couldn't wait to dish the dirt would be off my friend's list ASAP. Were I ever to see the fat bozo again, I'd let him know I'd clean his clock if my wife's name ever passed his lips. If this whole thing predates you, not sure why you're blaming her for these two jerks from her past... Mr. Lucky I'm not blaming her for what they said. I am annoyed that she made me attend in the first place. She knew I had a boundary and she crossed it. And no I do not feel it is my place to support her in the presence of past sexual partners if she feels uncomfortable or wants to show them that she's married. She would not do this for me. She has lied several times in the past about her sex life prior to our relationship. I could well end up punching someone who is telling the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 And no I do not feel it is my place to support her in the presence of past sexual partners if she feels uncomfortable or wants to show them that she's married. Not sure what this means. How do you "support" a spouse or partner at a function where ex's might attend? And why are you unwilling to do so? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 I think that she was wrong to even attend herself when she would not allow you to be where an ex of yours would be there. However I do believe ex's should be avoided by the both of you. I further believe is your wife is lying. She did a preemptive damage control. Admitting to a HJ because she knew that somehow it would get back to you that she went all the way with the ex. For the person that gets to tell their side of the story first is usually the one that gets believed. Outside of getting a polygraph test there is no way for you to get the truth. Tell your wife from now on there is to be NC on ex's for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 Problem is it was a kids party. When children are friends they get REALLY excited about friends birthday parties. I HATE that a man can say things like that about your wife! I hope you refused to talk to him further after you gave him a piece of your mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheberiding Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 Problem is it was a kids party. When children are friends they get REALLY excited about friends birthday parties. I HATE that a man can say things like that about your wife! I hope you refused to talk to him further after you gave him a piece of your mind. I haven't seen him since and probably won't have to again as he doesn't live in my neighborhood. People are not mature nor discrete when it comes to matters like these, thus creating the need for forums such as these. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheberiding Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 Not sure what this means. How do you "support" a spouse or partner at a function where ex's might attend? And why are you unwilling to do so? Mr. Lucky I don't care about her past sexual experiences and I don't think I should have to meet them in any venue if I don't want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheberiding Posted September 21, 2015 Author Share Posted September 21, 2015 I think that she was wrong to even attend herself when she would not allow you to be where an ex of yours would be there. However I do believe ex's should be avoided by the both of you. I further believe is your wife is lying. She did a preemptive damage control. Admitting to a HJ because she knew that somehow it would get back to you that she went all the way with the ex. For the person that gets to tell their side of the story first is usually the one that gets believed. Outside of getting a polygraph test there is no way for you to get the truth. Tell your wife from now on there is to be NC on ex's for the both of you. I agree. The funny thing is that she has put the rule in place for my ex partners but is ok with a double standard. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 she obviously manipulated your going and meeting this guy. is she shopping around for a threesome? seems a little odd the way she went about it. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I don't think this is an issue with her loyalty now. It's about 'Should a partner have to attend an event where any kind of ex 'lover' is going to be present'? It's one of those problems that seems very simple on the surface...NO! Even if it means changing jobs I think, for the sake of the comfort of both in the M, steps should be taken to avoid these situations. The problem comes when it's little kids in the same neighborhood. It's such a difficult one. It's horrible to tell children that they can't go to parties. If I was your wife I would of wanted your support. The only 'good' option for the 2 of you would of been to decline the invitation once you knew he would be there....but that would of been so unfair to your kids. To be honest I think you made the best of a horrible situation. Please do something about the lack of respect & boundaries some of your 'friends' have in discussing your wife's past. What in your bahavior has made them think it's acceptable to say things like that to you??!? I think you need to make it VERY clear that you will NEVER tollerate that kind of talk. I don't know many H's who would allow that to continue... Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 In general, how do you feel about your wife? Oh, and a polygraph over some guy she dated before you were together would be idiotic overkill. Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I think it sounds like a total overreaction by EVERYONE in this situation. Your wife is not a slut and the other dude isn't horrible. If they were single, let it go. The neighbor should shut his mouth and stop gossiping. Your wife should not have made you go. But, even so, she should have simply said: "I hooked up with this one guy there a long time ago. No big deal, but I just wanted you to know." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I am always amazed at the insight I get into how some husbands must treat their wives on threads like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PainfulLuv Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 She was wrong. & she knows it marriage is 50/50 she can't do it for you. Then why should yu do it for her. That wasn't fare & had she not put you in that awkward predicament the neighbors would have nothing to say! she needs to apologize & make it up Link to post Share on other sites
StellaGrace Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 You say she made you cross your boundary. This sounds like an oxymoron to me. She told you before you walked into the house what you'd be facing, and you chose to go in with her anyway. You could have said, "I've told you this is something I'm not wiling to do. I'm turning around and going home, you go in and I'll see you back at the house." THAT is how you put a boundary in place - there are consequences. While I completely understand why you are annoyed with her for putting you in this position (I would be too), I suspect you are feeling angry at yourself. No one can make you cross your own boundaries - you made the choice to do that. And now you learned first-hand why you set in the first place. Next time don't cross it. Link to post Share on other sites
Manilu Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 I feel you man. Its not easy to handle a relationship when your partner seems to be, like, wasnt ready for the whole thing. I personally think this is bull****. I wont ever intruduce to my husband my ex lovers, and if i accidentally see them, I rather let them go and not mention it. Not because I hide something, but he need my respect, in order to feel confortable and fine with me and our relationship as he should take care of me, to protect my feelings. Because we all have a past, but seriusly have to deal with it the whole time? right? Because even if she want a thresome, she should talk to you with you first, before to expose you to a painful or incofortable moment as it was. I think is not a reason to divorce, but a better good one for to talk and talk a lot, about what both of you really want and how you all feel. I think you re right. That wasnt correct of her. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 I am always amazed at the insight I get into how some husbands must treat their wives on threads like this. Why? Is it wrong for a husband to expect his wife to have NC with her ex's, even if it was before they met and were married? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 24, 2015 Share Posted September 24, 2015 Why? Is it wrong for a husband to expect his wife to have NC with her ex's, even if it was before they met and were married? No, it is perfectly appropriate for a spouse to expect absolute NC with past lovers. THAT is not in question. The overall attitude, treatment, browbeating, etc. is Link to post Share on other sites
Author sheberiding Posted September 24, 2015 Author Share Posted September 24, 2015 No, it is perfectly appropriate for a spouse to expect absolute NC with past lovers. THAT is not in question. The overall attitude, treatment, browbeating, etc. is I don't think your comment is fair as I did not do that. Link to post Share on other sites
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