SylviaMam Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Hi, I have just bought a house with my so and we moved in 2 weeks ago. I have had a horrendous experience with past relationships but he seemed different and I genuinly trusted him. I had no doubt unlike with the rest. I'm with him because I want to be, not because I thought I should. We had our whole lives to look forward to. We planned on marriage and kids. But recently, I've been getting upset with him as I thought he was losing interest sexually in me. This has happened with every bloke before and I have always been cheated on. Due to the stress of the house and work, we've done nothing but argue. I feel ugly and day and completely worthless. Which he disagrees with. Then, this morning, I've used his laptop and when I typed into Google, his previous searches came up. "Pornhub". So of course, I couldn't help myself, I went into the history. He has been searching porn! And it would appear that had had been watching it whilst I was at work. There was only this one occasion (of quite a few videos) but his history only goes back 2 weeks. I asked him about it but he's denied it. Funny how the type of porn is knee high boots girls. Exactly what he has a thing for! I've had to go out and he's asleep as he's been in nightshift. I feel like he's cheated on me and that I'm totally worthless. Am I overreacting? Thank you for reading. Xx Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 yes you do overreact,i watched porn with my husband 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SylviaMam Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 I think watching it WITH him is a different matter. Him watching it on the sly when I go to work is a tad different don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I think watching it WITH him is a different matter. Him watching it on the sly when I go to work is a tad different don't you think? True but probably your reaction makes him do it,he is afraid i am guessing Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I think if everything is fine in a relationship and one or the other watched/watches porn then I think it is okay and not cheating but feel like if your relationship is having a rough patch and sex isn't happening when it should then yes porn feels like cheating... it isn't cheating of course but can feel like it since your SO is being pulled from you so they can get off with porn and not you.. You need to talk with him and let your hurt feelings be known to him, many times people just don't think what they are doing is affecting the another person. Link to post Share on other sites
Starks Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 as long as he's not beating the sensitivity out of his penis and choosing porn over you, porn is definitely NOT cheating. Come on Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I think what she wrote meant he was choosing porn over her.... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 But recently, I've been getting upset with him as I thought he was losing interest sexually in me. This has happened with every bloke before and I have always been cheated on. Due to the stress of the house and work, we've done nothing but argue. I feel ugly and day and completely worthless. Which he disagrees with. Do you know what a self fulfilling prophecy is? You think you are ugly & worthless so you act out under stress. All your whining & whoa is me attitude makes you unattractive. It becomes too much drama & too much work to deal with you so he retreats. While I don't think porn in cheating, if you do, you have to talk to your SO Personally, since you know he likes the boots, if I were you I'd invest in pair. Then dangle them under his nose & say "honey if you do the dishes or throw in a load of laundry, I'll head to the bedroom & put these on . . . " 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Whether porn is cheating or not can be argued untill the earth grumbles back into cosmic dust. What matters here is he is draining his own tank to other women in knee high boots while you go empty handed (no pun intended) Regardless if it's actually cheating, it does not to addressed in a similar manner. You need to basically lay down the law and insist that you get yours. If you are ok with him having a spank to porn after your needs are completely met, that is between you two, but you absolutely have the right to expect that you get your lovins before he breaks out the laptop and baby oil. And you have the right to move on if he isn't willing/able to do that. This is a valid reason to issue a "me-or-porn" ultimatum and a legitimate reason to follow through with leaving if he continues to pick the porn over you. Some women have delt with this by issuing an "in me or on me" ultimatum. That means his sperm is for you. Again, what he does after your needs are met is between you two. It's fair game to incorporate the porn into your sexual activities as a couple now and then if you both want. But you absolutely have the right to put the kabosh on him taking care of himself and leaving you frustrated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 The porn seems to be a result of you bringing your insecurities and baggage from your previous relationships into this relationship. When you push him away due to your insecurities and feeling ugly and insecure about your worth because you believed what your exes told you, you push him away so that he doesn't feel comfortable being intimate with you. When this happens, and he needs a release, emotionally and physically, he turns to porn. It is a natural reaction. Men are different than women in that we do need sex. No matter how much women do not want to believe this...we need sex like you need hugs. Now, as for whether he is cheating, that is up to you two to determine in your personal relationship. It varies. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about how your insecurities are making you prickly and how his porn is making him distant. Good luck, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Not a fan of an ultimatum of any type since I don't believe anyone has a right to control someone else's behavior but you should tell him you want more/better sex. If you confront him about the porn he will just do a better job of hiding it. So instead of concentrating on what he's doing, concentrate on your needs and desires. Let him know what they are. If you make yourself available to him (make sure he knows you are available) and he still prefers porn you may have some issues to work on. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Aggressively demanding sex from men is the surest route to getting the opposite. The only time that works is if the man is submissive. Most aren't. I get laid whenever I want, regularly. The reason why, is because I am very good at creating desire. I create sexual tension every moment together, always paving the way to sex. I would suggest learning from his porn instead of condemning it. In the past, we'd have to guess, or find a way of learning what our partner's turn-ons are. He left you a complete blueprint to emulate. What you need to do is get over yourself. Get help from a professional if need be. A depressed woman moping around over illusionary feelings of inadequacy, doesn't inspire the red hot passion you seek. Sorry if I'm harsh, but I don't tell fairytale lies. If it's self image, improve it. It's that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 OP, you are going to find that porn is the untouchable sacred cow. To watch it is something quite a few men feel is as much a right as breathing. If he is using porn instead of being with you, or if he is having sexual problems as a result of lots of porn, that is a definite problem. Of course, I personally believe if a woman is being constantly hurt by the porn use of the man who claims to love her, then maybe there should be an adjustment, but then again, sacred untouchable cow.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 No, porn is definitely NOT cheating. And another thing, go get a few pairs of knee high boots...obviously Link to post Share on other sites
beanie66f Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 But recently, I've been getting upset with him as I thought he was losing interest sexually in me. Being as you noticed he was losing interest in you sexually, and he IS watching porn, then yea, I think its a problem. I don't think viewing porn as "cheating" - but if it is detracting from your sexual life, then, yea - its a problem. But, on a good note - maybe he didn't want to bring it up that he likes watching it. Now it is out there, and you can talk about it and figure out a way to use it to your advantage. I'de be out buying boots. ROFL I'de look at this from a perspective of its an opportunity for you guys to talk about stuff that perhaps no one ever brought up before. And my piece of advice- if he says he finds you desirable and attractive - believe him...don't keep harping on if it is true or not. And even if he didn't - Beauty is only a light switch away - But he said he does, so believe him. You mentioned he works a different shift than you - that is going to put strain on any relationship because you are on different schedules - so it is entirely possible that its not the viewing porn that has resulted in any losing interest - but you aren't on the same schedules now. Just a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Curdie Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 He lied to you, so clearly he knew that you have a boundary regarding porn. He just decided that getting his jollies off to a moving picture of some random chick wearing boots was more important than the stability of your relationship. (Also, really? Boots? It gets that specific? Do they have subgenres for all articles of clothing? Say, scarves or long johns or leggings.) But really, your biggest issue is the lie. He gaslit you to keep you in a relationship that doesn't have boundaries that you are comfortable with. If he wanted an honest, solid relationship with you he would have discussed it and you two would have decided whether or not this was a deal breaker. He didn't do that. Instead, he wants you to play along with his alternate reality where you didn't really see what you know that you saw. So he gets to watch his porn while you carry on in a relationship that doesn't meet your expectations. I suggest you dump him and get yourself into therapy. It'll help you develop healthy relationships. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Watching porn is fantasy. Most people are aware of that fact and treat it accordingly. Younger adults (late teen) should not watch because they may develop the thought that this fantasy land is reality. They may develop the notion that women want men to do these things to them or that if their penis isn't 9-10" long, they are inadequate. But for adults who know better, it's just fantasy. In a loving relationship, porn can be perfectly fine. If there is an addiction, then it's not fine. If it interferes with sex, then it's not fine. Many couples watch porn together, but some people are ashamed of their porn use and hide it. I do not consider porn to be cheating since there is no interaction. Chat rooms, web cams, etc. would be cheating in my book because they require interaction. And not all porn objectifies women. There is quite a lot of amateur porn that is made by a couple who just like to show off. Only if it's a stolen video or posted without both partners' consent would that be an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 your boyfriend jerks off. Just like every other man who was born with at least one arm. porn makes this better and faster. No biggy. Really. Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Yes, you have some insecurities based on your previous experiences, however the porn is like a ticking time bomb to relationships. First he HID it. Then he LIED about it. And we all know he must be jerking to it because now it's just too inconvenient/time consuming/much effort/whatever to ML to you. Porn makes it way too easy to have a smorgasbord of different delectables handed over. No woman can compete with that. And if you tried you would forever be exhausted. Who wants that? Oh and God forbid if the woman has a problem....screw her.....LET'S RUN TO PORN and give her the cold shoulder! It's our RIGHT! Or I love it, Autumnnight, the sacred untouchable cow. So true!!!!! You now share a home with him. Make an agreement: Tell him you will get therapy for your insecurities/past baggage as long as he's not running to porn. Set boundaries and stick to them. Good luck. Hopefully if both parties work together for the common good the relationship will flourish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 your boyfriend jerks off. Just like every other man who was born with at least one arm. porn makes this better and faster. No biggy. Really. Porn makes the masturbating man desensitized to his SO. Therefore leaving her in the cold. How is this no biggie? Would it be acceptable if she rubbed one out and refused her man? OH, then there would be problems! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueBlood Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 So comfort and desire. Two different and opposite beasts. You feel like crap and want cuddles and comfort. That's fine but it isn't sexy. Sexy is a little risky, it's not knowing what she's going to do with that silk scarf, being apart, aching for the reunion. One is close and snug, the other vibrant and free form. A relationship needs both, it needs a stable base but some jazzy surprises, too. Right now you aren't jazzy. Right now you are telling yourself you are not pretty or sexy and honestly while everyone feels that sometimes, it's really hard for your partner to buoy you up for long. It's tiring. It's clingy. It kills desire and lust. So porn is a fast bandaid. He gets some steam off, doesn't have to cuddle and comfort and cajole you through the act of intimacy, and he probably sees it as the lesser of all evils and as just takin care of business. I doubt he did it to further send you into a spiral of more emotional pain. I think that's the last thing he wants, as from your words you are tired, down, quite possibly depressed, and feeling less than pretty. You are snowed in under a lot of glum and heavy weight. Might be time to reach out to your doctor and have a talk and look at your overall health and mental health. No shame in that. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Chicken and the egg. Does she feel less attractive because they are having less sex, or are they having less sex because she has an unhealthy view of herself? CONFIDENCE is sexy - describing yourself as ugly and worthless is not. WHY do you feel ugly and wortless? Is he extremely abusive to make you feel like this, or is this an issue which is coming from within? And no, I would not in a million years call viewing a bit of porn "cheating" I figured all guys do it, and heck I do too if I want a little "help" taking care of myself (and mastrbation is totally normal and to be expected). Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I'm sorry you are in pain OP. I honestly wish people had the capacity to see past the need to protect porn at all costs and could understand that there aqre things at play here that probably need to change. But don't touch my porn! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Porn makes the masturbating man desensitized to his SO. Absolute Rubbish. Billions of dollars spent on porn each year, and that doesn't include the gazillions of free videos. Believe me... men have been spanking it to porn ever since ink was invented. The only thing that desensitizes a man to his SO....is his SO. Link to post Share on other sites
pondhawk Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Absolute Rubbish. Billions of dollars spent on porn each year, and that doesn't include the gazillions of free videos. Believe me... men have been spanking it to porn ever since ink was invented. The only thing that desensitizes a man to his SO....is his SO. So why is he hiding it and lying about it if it's so wonderful? Oh, because it's hurtful to the relationship! That's right! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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