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Am I being selfish? Honest answers


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I have been married for a few years husband has son from previous marriage that he has full custody of. He lives with us and is 12. His mother is not in his life. I have been in husband and SS life since he was 4. I have no bio kids of my own.

 

Stepson is a bit of a brat. He is really sneaky and once called me a B*tch. Husband lets him get away with everything. Example: if we had plans to have a family outing but on the day of, SS decides he would rather stay home and play video games, we all stay home and cancel our plans while we sit in the living room and watch him play his Xbox. Husband and I never get to date at all because we live in a new area without family or friends. Husband and I sit home all the time. I have brought this up to husband that it is not ok to always let him have his way but he gets offended and lashes out at me. Basically it's my son over you as it should be (I would not want a man who would chose me over child)

 

Let me say: I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GETTING INTO WHEN I GOT MARRIED. It was not okay with me then either but it wasn't enough to for me to call things off.

 

Here is the big BUT: I am now financially stable and have been wanting a baby for the last year. Recently, We have been trying but to no luck. I am now coming to terms that maybe I am not able to have kids. (I'm 30 yrs old) so now I'm finding my situation of not being able to go out, never any peace around the house, watching my SS and caring for him on a daily basis to be a bit much. I'm becoming frustrated with the situation.

 

My main thoughts are if I'm not able to have the kids I so desperately want, should I continue to sacrifice (staying home watching video games when I would rather travel, waking up earlier than I have to to take SS to school, spending money on school supplies, not being able to ever catch a movie because we can't find a babysitter, not able to travel because SS does not want to, never any alone time with husband) should I continue to make these sacrifices of "mom" with a kid if I am probably never going to be able to have any of my own? Or should I leave the situation and live freely and care free as a single person would.

 

I wouldn't mind making these sacrifices of I had kids of my own but now I am reconsidering. Playing mom is painful when I know I may never be a mom to my own and since SS disrespects me j do not completely feel a bond that he is my kid. The reason I need advice because I want to know if maybe I am being selfish or unreasonable.

 

Talking to husband will lead to "my son comes first" as expected. I love my husband but do I Leave or stay?

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You've been in SS's life since he was 4.

He is your son(even if he's not biologically yours) you helped raise him. If you keep thinking of him as your step son and not your real son, then that would cause your resentment to grow.

Your husband is not helping either because he says'It's my son' - no, not really, you helped raise him like your own, he's your son too.

 

He is being annoying - but guess what? he's an annoying teenager - that's what they do.

 

I think the problem is that your husband continues to drill into your mind that SS isn't your son. He's not your biologically, but you raised him for long enough.

 

As for doing what you want and going to movies and stuff, I think you should - moms do it. You and your H don't have to both sit at home and watch SS play video games. Make some friends and have girls nights when stuff like that happens.

 

And for other occasions, find a babysitter. i know you guys are new to the neighborhood but you can find babysitters with good references.

 

I think you need to talk to your husband about the whole 'my son' crap. Make him understand that him saying that makes you feel like anything you did to help raise SS means nothing.

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No you are not being too selfish. If anything, you are too accommodating and you sacrificed the quality of your own young life for ...what?

 

Your husband should protect you and your marriage a bit, and discipline his son - making a brat out of him will not help his son later in life.

 

Baby in these conditions is not the best idea, what do you think little brat of a SS will do? Start screaming for attention and act out even more? Sabotage his little brother or sister's life? - I mean, how would you spend any quality time with your child if all of you just sit at home watch the SS play video games? Would your husband be able to be a proper father to your child if he learned to sacrifice everything for his son?

 

Maybe it is not you but your husband why you cannot have a baby.

 

You are young. You can still leave, find someone else, and have a family of your own.

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My husband does not say "my son" he says "our son"....but SS does not treat me like his his mom. He refers to me as his dad's wife to other people (overheard him saying it)...for Mother's Day he made a simple necklace in art class at school that I'm assuming other kids made too. On Mother's Day he never gave it to me and its sat in his room on the self for weeks so I knew he did not forget to give it to me because he has to pass it every day (literally) in plain sight. He never said Happy Mother's Day to me that day either or any other day.

 

I have talked to stepson about this when we got married and had a heart to heart with him then. But still SS does not consider me his mom as much as I care for him. I cannot blame him because he is only a kid and does not mean any harm in that aspect. For these reasons I do not force anything like asking him to tell people I am his mom. To him I am only his dad's wife....because of this I do not ever think I would think of him as MY son even though I care for him if he was.

 

I don't mind going out with my girlfriends (use freely because I just meet these women) and many times I do. other times I go out with them and they bring their husbands and I am 3rd wheel which is weird but sometimes I'm that desperate to get out of the house. Single friends I know only want to go out looking for men and I do not feel comfortable.

 

Besides I would sometimes want to go out with husband maybe just once a month. I think that's reasonable. When I say go out I mean even just for dinner for an hour or two. Maybe 30 minute walk by the harbor. Anything. Mainly just some alone time that I get with him every 3 months for an hour. I would like more.

 

My newly found idea of not being able to have kids makes me think these sacrifices are not worth it.

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No, letting a child run the household is rediculous. It may not mesh with your parenting style but the book by Dr. Leman, Have A New Kid By Friday, is a start for handling many common parenting concerns and the methods that work to change who is in charge and brings peace and calm to the household. If that book isn't to your taste then there are tons more on parenting skills and reducing kid-run households. Cause that has to stop. The world has plenty of over indulged people, as parents I feel like we should be raising kind and respectful human beings, not me me me types.

 

As for your own fertility, age shouldn't be an issue at all. Thirty is a fine age to have a child. How long have you been trying? If you've been monitoring morning temp, or charting your cycle for a few months and no dice yet, go take your husband to see your obgyn. Go together. See what they say. Good luck! Most women are able to conceive, sometimes it just takes a little tlc, sometimes it's the result of low sperm count or a combo of both. But I'd think handling your existing son and his behavior issues is something to tackle now, with you and hubby as a united front. No kid calls the shots. End of story.

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My husband does not say "my son" he says "our son"....but SS does not treat me like his his mom. He refers to me as his dad's wife to other people (overheard him saying it)...for Mother's Day he made a simple necklace in art class at school that I'm assuming other kids made too. On Mother's Day he never gave it to me and its sat in his room on the self for weeks so I knew he did not forget to give it to me because he has to pass it every day (literally) in plain sight. He never said Happy Mother's Day to me that day either or any other day.

 

I have talked to stepson about this when we got married and had a heart to heart with him then. But still SS does not consider me his mom as much as I care for him. I cannot blame him because he is only a kid and does not mean any harm in that aspect. For these reasons I do not force anything like asking him to tell people I am his mom. To him I am only his dad's wife....because of this I do not ever think I would think of him as MY son even though I care for him if he was.

 

I don't mind going out with my girlfriends (use freely because I just meet these women) and many times I do. other times I go out with them and they bring their husbands and I am 3rd wheel which is weird but sometimes I'm that desperate to get out of the house. Single friends I know only want to go out looking for men and I do not feel comfortable.

 

Besides I would sometimes want to go out with husband maybe just once a month. I think that's reasonable. When I say go out I mean even just for dinner for an hour or two. Maybe 30 minute walk by the harbor. Anything. Mainly just some alone time that I get with him every 3 months for an hour. I would like more.

 

My newly found idea of not being able to have kids makes me think these sacrifices are not worth it.

 

Thanks for giving more detail.

I really sympathize with your situation. It has to be hurtful to love him and care for him like he's your own (especially since you've done it from when he was very young) and for this to actually be an issue.

 

I see now how your resentment is really more towards your husband than your step son- and I totally understand it.

 

Have you mentioned these thoughts/feelings to your husband? Have you expressed your needs and how important it is for you?

 

If you have and he has still ignored them, then that is a marital issue like most, and I think married folks would be better suited to give you advice on that.

 

If you haven't then that would be my suggestion.

 

**HUGS**

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Ask your husband what he thinks his son is learning when husband gives in to him all the time & allows him to disrespect you.

 

 

You may have to get over the Mother's Day thing because you can't force somebody to love you but your husband should be much more insistent that the son be respectful to you.

 

 

Approach this from the perspective that you want to be a team & give the son the best foundation for success in life. Right now all he knows is how to be a spoiled brat (don't say that) so he needs to learn compromise, empathy, compassion & self sacrifice. Imparting a sense of hard work will probably be helpful too.

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Is your husband open to family therapy? I have three stepkids with varying interests of a relationship. But my husband would never allow the kids to dictate our relationship to such an extent. I think there are some independent childrearing issues between your husband and you that would get repeated with another child as well.

 

The child has the right not to see you as a mom. I know it is hard but I do think it should be accepted. But that doesn't give him the right to disrespect you. It does seem like therapy may be helpful to him. He may have issues with (perceived?) abandonment from his biological mother which you get the brunt of.

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My son (biological) would rather sit at home playing computer games than pretty much anything else. He has a younger sister so he CAN'T play xbox (ours is actually a Wii) all the time! He has a family & that's ALL about compromise. Sometimes he sulks when we go out. It's actually funny...I've got a photo of him sulking on the beach in California. He looks JUST like me at the same age in Italy! Hahaha kids are kids no matter the country!

 

My friend has 2 daughters from different marriages. The oldests mantra as a teen was "You're NOT my FATHER!!". when she graduated she made him a certificate thanking him for being THE BEST DADDY ANY GIRL COULD WISH FOR! Teenagers are horrible! I was, you probably were. He loves you.

 

I understand the stress you're going through & his father MUST step up. You are a family. Remember the old "Wait until your father gets home!!"? Your H needs to do a better job of parenting & being a H. Is he the sort who would respond better to a proffesional telling him? I bet my bottom $ that any family therapist will tell him to get his act together....

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My newly found idea of not being able to have kids makes me think these sacrifices are not worth it.

 

some rambling thoughts:

 

OP it appears this discovery has you revisiting your interactions with your step son.

 

maybe if you look at it from his eyes: why are you my dad's wife? you did not mention what happened to mom. could he be holding out hope she will come back into this life? or angry that dad moved on?

 

you must admit the 'year of trying' created a stressful family life. and your son knows it: the stress not the why (still too young to fully comprehend).

 

maybe dad is 'easy' because of what really happened to and/or the guilt of mom. or could it be he reads the above and is trying to make the best of it.

 

after 8 years and while dad calls him our you don't.

 

the teen years will be worse.

 

i think you need to vent. IC with blended family experience may help.

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IMHO you signed up to he a wife and mother with the understanding that you would also be a stepmother in addition to the traditional wife/mother role.

 

It looks to me what has actually turned out is you are more of a assistant childcare provider. And seeing how the SS seems to rule the roost and gets to call the shots, you sound more like a nanny or governess than a true stepmother.

 

I think this will boil down to are you better off being this family's governess or on your own as a single woman.

 

If you were to choose the single adult life over being this boy's nanny, I certainly wouldn't cry foul.

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I really think you need to go see an attorney.

 

But don't think for a second that if you do have a child at some point, that you are going to get the "peace and quiet" you so avidly seek.

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.....additionally, as counterintuitive as this sounds, I would actually recommend you go back on birth control and stop trying to conceive at this time since you are having legitimate doubts of the survivability of this marriage.

 

You have already seen his parenting skills (or lack thereof)

 

And a new baby in the house will make your relationship with SS MUCH WORSE!

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I really think you need to go see an attorney.

 

But don't think for a second that if you do have a child at some point, that you are going to get the "peace and quiet" you so avidly seek.

 

Yeah, a new baby coming into this household is not going to bring peace and tranquility and domestic bliss.

 

It is going multiply the tensions, conflict and chaos multi-fold.

 

With both you and your H' s attention being further redirected, your SS will likely get into real world problems to where you will pray for him to play Xbox again.

 

And if you think your husband isn't taking you out and entertaining you well now, just wait till there's another screaming, puking, pooping creature in the house.

 

At least now you are getting out with your GF' s periodically.

 

Personally I think the idea of you wanting to bring another baby into this household is quite insane.

 

At 30, you are still a young, fertile, viable woman. At this age you still have a chance to marry a single man with no kids, assuming you take care of yourself and are still in good shape.

 

If you wait a few more years however your chances of marry a man with no prior children and getting right back into this situation, decreases dramatically almost to the point of being unrealistic. If you want to not be dealing with step children, you are going to have to act now.

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Ok, let me tell you my story and you decide if it relates to you and what you want to do in your life.

 

I got with my ex-husband when his son was 1 1/2 years old. For the first six months, his mom was not around. I tuaght him to call me by my first name and never spoke bad of his mom. His mom wanted to see him and I made a big deal of him going to see his mom. I told him how he was going to see his mom and they were going to have a great time. My ex took him to see her and came back and accused me of trying to steal his son from from SS's mom.

 

From that time on, it was he's not your son. My SS was allowed to hit and kick me, very spoiled by his dad and mom. I was very good to my SS, in fact when he got older (18 years old) he told me I did more for him than his parents.

 

When my SS was 15 after hitting me, I moved to another house, stayed married, when my SS turned 18, my ex moved SS into the house I was living and moved me back in with him, (ex). My ex used to say when my SS hit me that it didn't hurt me so he didn't stop him from hitting me. My SS was treating me better by this time, not hitting me and getting along with me.

 

My SS had a fight with his dad and hit him, my ex pressed charges and gave him a record at 18 for domestic abuse. I was furious with my ex and told him that's waht I wanted to avoid when I told him to teach SS to stop hitting me. He actually had tears in his eyes when I finished talking to him. (My ex told me when his son hit him, he wasn't hurt from pain of being hit.)

 

By this time in my marriage, I knew my ex was cheating and had cheated the whole time we were together, including before we got married. 3 years later he finally dumped me and we divorced. (There's a reason he had to do the dumping but I don't want to say it online, my family knows why)

 

When we was divorcing my SS was not happy about it and told me he considered me to have been a mom to him. I moved a state away and my SS's parents have turned him agianst me. I have never got a happy mother's day from my SS, verbally or otherwise.

 

If I had it to do over agian, I wouldn't.

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4-12 years old are the EASY years. You are entering into Teen Boy Hell to be honest from what you have described. Although you have been with him since he has been little, there is probably a lot of issues he is having regarding his biological mom. I'm not big into all the therapy stuff, but I do recall something our therapist said about my SS. She said that because its not "okay" for him to hate his real mom, he was projecting a lot of that anger and stuff on me. I never really thought about things in that manner, and I dismissed it at the time.

 

But now, looking back - I really do think she was correct with that statement. And that may be some of what is going on with the SS.

 

Does he have a close relationship with his dad?? In my situation my DH and his son were tight, and very close. They were able to talk about a lot of stuff, and on so many issues DH and I were able to get on the same page and he was able to get SS to follow the rules and work at becoming a integral part of our house and family. It was REALLY hard on my SS. For so long he had no family structure, so going from that to a "mom with rules and expectations" was not easy! It sounds like your household is lacking some expectations and rules. I don't know how you go about fixing that if your DH isn't in agreement. Its really a cornerstone to a harmonious family. You won't agree on everything, and thats okay - but you need to be able to talk and compromise and come up with rules and consequences that you both can live with.

 

I would totally NOT be okay with your DH not stepping up and presenting a united parenting front to the child in the house. You guys have no idea about the wall of hormones that are about to erupt in your household.

 

I would seriously seriously caution you about bringing a newborn into this mix. If you can't find alone time to nurture a relationship with your DH now, you will NEVER find time with a newborn...and a teen boy.

 

And of course it is important to foster alone time together. There is really no reason why you shouldn't be doing that - other than it just sounds like your DH doesn't want to. Frankly I find that selfish and odd. I really believe there would be plenty of other people out there that would enjoy a partner that would like to spend time alone with just them.

 

If he won't talk about this stuff, I would contact a therapist and go for yourself and ask him to come. Then you can make a decision if this is something you want to live with, or if you want something more. Sometimes a third party is able to get through and say things in way that we could say to a spouse and they don't hear.

 

I wish you the best of luck in trying to talk things out with him!

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lucy_in_disguise

It seems like these are a lot of separate issues:

 

-your husband neglecting your needs

-disagreement over parenting styles

-being new to an area where you have few friends

-possibly some depression from the above?

-possible infertility issues

 

I agree with previous posters that it would be crazy to brng another child into the mix without addressing the other issues. Having a child of your own may be a dream of yoirs, but it is not going to solve the other problems in your marriage. And based on other threads on this board, I dont think those issues are going to seem less relevent, either. You married him for a reason, which presumably was more than the opportunity to have a child of your own. I think you should set a definitive timeline to work on your marriage before either trying to have another baby, or throwing in the towel.

 

I dont think thers much you can do about your SS wanting to play xbox all day or his attitude toward you, but theres a lot you and your husband can do to to make your lives more fulfilling despite that. Have you talked to him and expressed your deep dissatisfaction at the way things currently are? It is not unreasonable for you to want to spend quality time together as both a family and a couple. What is his response to that? I think you need a serious sit-down discussion wih him on these points, which hopefully results in his commitment to incorporating these things into your lives.

 

Based on your post, it sounds like you may be a little depressed. I dont know about you, but for me it is always a challenge to move to a new area. Between that and all the other iasues, it would not be hard to feel down, but depression has a way of clouding your thinking. It sounds like you are trying to make friends, and thats great. I think gettif out more will help you feel better, too. After getting your husbands commitment to spwnding quality time together, i would take the planning into my own hands. Look into activities that your SS might enjoy that you can do together as a family, and make it nonnegotiable for him to come. Some suggestions: video game arcade, bowling, paintball. Make it a treat instead of an obligation, somehing for him to look forward to. Maybe let him bring a friend. Maybe let it be just him and his dad sometimes. Find some babysittiers and make some dates with your husband. I cant imagine that he would refuse to do this with you, but if he does, your issues are probably beyond help.

 

Re: the potential fertility issues, that must be difficult to consider. Although I dont think your marriage is ready for another child, I suggest you visit a fertility specialist to identify any potential issues. That will help ease your mind, or at least give you a better sense of what your options may be. At 30, it would be unlikely that any possible problems are solely due to your age. And even if there are some issues, in this day and age, you have a lot of options.

Edited by lucy_in_disguise
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I love how your jack-ass husband is so quick to remind you that you didn't give birth to his spoiled brat but expects you to do all the work involved in raising him and making all the sacrifices to over-indulge him.

 

Yeah, I'd be seeking the single life right about now.

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Yeah, some men go completely overboard with the "my son/daughter is my world and comes first!" And you just have to pass on them. Get out and tell him that you want something different. And next time, don't ever make a man think that you're ok with this.

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TrustedthenBusted

No kid needs both parents sitting around watching him. If you have interests, go partake in them.

 

My family learned this lesson early and often. We recently planned a day of boating, and when the time came, both kids wanted to stay home playing video games.

 

I said fine....call me if the house catches fire. And then I went boating. After an hour they were bored stiff and fighting with eachother and called me to see if I was too far away. Told them " Sorry, mom is wakeboarding right now, we can't talk. Order Pizza. Love you"

 

Live your life.

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I have been married for a few years husband has son from previous marriage that he has full custody of. He lives with us and is 12. His mother is not in his life.

 

If you've effectively been his "mom" since he was 4 years old, the lack of bond between the two of you speaks volumes about the lengths to which your H has gone to undermine the relationship.

 

I'd look long and hard at every aspect of this...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Are you sure your husband has not had a vasectomy without your knowledge. I knew a couple who had this problem. Then she found out he was lying all along. He had the snip before they met.

 

30 isn't old to conceive at all. Have him get his sperm count tested.

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You need to have a behavior consultant work with your family. They can help you set up family rules and teach you and your husband to parent this young man consistently and fairly. However, if there is one thing you can do today that will work its non-contingent reinforcement (google it) you catch the lad being good and consistently offer praise, compliments and encouragement on a regular schedule. I would suggest every 30 minutes in your case. Focus on the good and before you know it this kid will love you and never want to let you down.

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